Walking in America: A Manifesto
Welcome to a new Evitorial! Before you read this one, why don’t you take a look at some previous posts, like this one about the time an ex-lover told me that I had a “massive ego,” or this one about a GMC commercial that I have a particular hatred for.
(Photo Credit: https://pxhere.com/en/photo/1062341)
In 2018, I started attending school at UMass Boston. The school has a lot of weird quirks, but there’s one that is a huge pet peeve of mine: for some reason, the students there choose to walk on the left side of the hallways a LOT. This makes no sense to me. I assume that these same people are aware that when driving a car in America, we do so on the right side. Maybe I’m wrong, though. After all, the student body at UMB is extremely diverse, so perhaps the problem is simply that many of those attending are not accustomed to the American way of moving. In that regard, here’s a quick list of rules for walking in America (many of which are extremely similar to driving in America).
1) Walk on the right side: If you consistently walk on the left side of the road, simply do the opposite of that instead. Honestly, every country should do it that way. It’s literally called the “right” side.
2) The left side of the sidewalk is for passing only: Just like driving, the left side is for passing slow fuckers. Also similar to driving, you do this at your own risk. I once had a guy run straight at me on the left side of a crowded hallway. I put that dude on his ass with a clean shoulder check. It was self-defense. My options were to either let him hit me at full speed, or use his own momentum against him, and I chose the latter. TL;DR: Move to the left to pass slow pedestrians, and then get right back to the right side as quickly as possible.
3) If you’re walking in a group, only walk in a horizontal line if it makes sense within the amount of space: We’ve all been walking down a hallway and seen a group of four or more people in front of us. In most cases, this takes up the entire span of the hallway, causing the people behind them (including you) to have a max speed of whatever pace they’re walking. This is so inconsiderate. Always leave enough room for at least one human being to fit through. If you’re in such a group, set the example and drop back behind the rest of your posse.
4) Don’t stop in the middle of the hallway or sidewalk to talk: This one seems like it should be obvious, but I see it all the time: people posting up in the middle of a hall to hug, or to have a discussion. We shouldn’t have to go around you. Move over to the side, out of the way.
5) Don’t stop in a doorway: This is one that truly irks me. It’s almost as if people don’t decide to leave or stay until they reach the arches of a doorway. Everyone else has already made this decision, so they have to stand and wait while someone hovers in the doorway with a deer-in-the-headlights look on their face.
6) If you’re texting while walking, you do so at your own risk: In many states, texting while driving is illegal. Even if it isn’t illegal in the state you live in, if you’re checking your phone and get into an accident, you’ll probably be found at fault. Likewise, if you’re walking and texting and you bump into someone, you should assume that this was your fault, and apologize. After all, even if it was truly the other person’s fault, you have no way of knowing this, because you were not aware of your surroundings.
7) If you’re holding hands, break the link if necessary: I have no problems with people holding hands while walking. It’s a beautiful sign of love between two human beings. However, there are times when the link between them needs to be broken. For example, in a narrow hallway, there is occasionally only room for two people to be walking in a straight line. In that instance, the couple should release each other’s hands and let someone walking in the other direction slip between them. They can then rejoin hands.
8) Don’t push other people aside so that you can get to your destination faster: I went to Disney World for the holidays, and as you can imagine, the park was insanely crowded. After getting off of the monorail, there was a tremendous amount of people heading towards the park, and my family was caught up amongst those people. All of a sudden, a man started shoving through the crowd, dragging his child by the hand after him. Apparently, the rest of his family was up ahead of him, and he thought that they would never reunite if he waited until everyone was out of the small queuing area that we were in. He didn’t even say excuse me. I was the first person in my family that he shoved, and though I was surprised, I managed to catch him in the ribs with an elbow. Super gratifying. My father managed to get him in the shin with his ankle bone. 40 points to the Donohue family. I’m not sure how much physical pain he had to suffer from everyone else until he caught up to the rest of his family, but I hope that it was a large amount.
As I’m sure that number eight will not be the last rule that I think of for walking in America, please do not consider this a finished list, but instead as a manifesto that has the potential to be added to until the day that I die. Check back here from time to time for an updated list.
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