Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.10
“False Arrest”
Original Air Date: December 1, 1989
Last week, Harriet got a case of the Jealous Jenny’s, and Carl’s smoke-show new partner let a perp get away, so Mother Winslow had to drop him for her.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
“I bet this is the piece of shit that tried to punch me.” (Photo Credit: IMDB)
Cold Open:
Eddie is in the living room with a bench-press. Harriet asks him why there are weights in her living room, and Eddie tells her that Steve Urkel is paying Eddie to teach him to bench press. Harriet wonders why this can’t happen in his bedroom (which definitely doesn’t have the space for this), and Eddie reminds Harriet that Urkel isn’t allowed upstairs. Urkel comes in and starts doing Urkel stuff, which in this case is flexing and pretending he’s already buff. This sets up the obvious, “Eddie is spotting Steve, but the phone rings and Eddie gets distracted, causing Steve to drop the weights on his chest” joke that every 90’s sitcom was contractually obligated to do. Laura comes in and does the “Steve, what are you doing?” line that will be how the majority of her conversations start after this first season. He tells her that he’s getting in shape for her, and she easily lifts the bar checks to see how much weight he’s pressing. She says, “Not bad,” and heads upstairs, causing the bar to fall on Steve once again. Steve calls out for Laura, then Eddie and then finally Judy to help get the bar off of him. I love how he never calls for an adult, but DOES call out for the twelve-year-old girl. Classic stuff.
Carl’s Story:
Carl comes home from work (insert Die Hard joke here), and his family is gathered around the TV, watching the number one sitcom in their universe, “The Buddy Goodrich Show.” It’s a show about a rich black man who adopted two white kids. The entire family LOVES Buddy Goodrich, and explain to Carl (who just wants to tell them about his day) why Buddy is such a good father. Carl makes a very meta joke about how it’s easy to be a good father when you have twelve writers giving you lines. Estelle asks Carl if he’s picked up tickets to the Buddy Goodrich one-man show, and Carl tells her that he’s been too busy. There’s a lot of things the internet makes easier that I take for granted, and not having to drive to a box office and wait in line when I want to go see a show is definitely one of them. Then again, it was a lot easier to not randomly buy tickets to something that you may not really want to go to at two in the morning (after drinking ten or eleven beers). Carl tells Estelle that he will pick up the tickets the next day on his lunch break.
On his way to the box office, Carl notices that there is a car improperly parked in a handicap spot outside of the theater that Buddy Goodrich will be performing at. Since he’s a good cop and an all-around great guy, Carl goes inside the building to ask someone to move it. He’s told that it’s Buddy Goodrich’s car, and is pointed to Buddy’s dressing room. Carl knocks on the door and Buddy’s assistant tells Carl that he’ll get the keys to move the car, but Buddy comes out and goes on what I assume is a drug-fueled rant about how he’s a star, and his car is parked there so he can get out of town as soon as possible. The actor who played Buddy absolutely crushed this role, and he seemed familiar to me, so I looked him up on IMDB. The information that I found blew my mind, because it was the late Ron Glass, who played Shepherd Book on the critically acclaimed, “Firefly.” The reason I was shocked was because these two television shows were only thirteen years apart, but he looks and acts vastly differently on Family Matters than he does on Firefly. I suppose that’s the mark of a good actor. Anyway, Buddy refuses to move the car, and calls Carl fat. Carl, still good natured even though this guy is being a pretentious prick, politely insists that Buddy move the car, so Buddy takes a swing at him. Carl dodges the punch and handcuffs the guy for assaulting a police officer, which Buddy tells him is a dumb move. Carl might just be wasting his time. You can take his car and take his spot, but you can’t take the sky from Buddy.
Carl goes home, and the family is upset because “some wacko cop” arrested Buddy Goodrich. Carl tries to explain the situation, but Harriet tells him to shush, because Buddy is holding a press conference on the matter. After making some small jokes about the arrest, Buddy maintains that he doesn’t blame the police department or the city, but just one rogue cop. He names Carl as his “attacker,” and the whole family turns to look at him with disgust. Mother Winslow give him her signature, “Way to go, Carl.” Carl tells the family what really happened, but the only one who takes his side is Harriet. The children want to move to Canada, and Rachel and Mother Winslow tell them that they understand why he fucked up, and therefore pity him. It’s crazy that no one believes him. Carl has never shown anything but the utmost professionalism at his job. I understand the children being stark-struck, but his own mother telling him that he “choked” made me feel real sympathy for Carl and turn on everyone else but him and Harriet.
Conclusion:
The next morning, Carl’s face is on the front page of the paper next to Buddy Goodrich’s. It’s not a very flattering picture, which Rachel is kind enough to point out to him. The doorbell rings, and “America’s #1 Dad” (Buddy Goodrich) walks into the house of America’s TRUE #1 Dad (Carl, dummy). Buddy schmoozes the family, saying that he’s sorry that the media blew what happened out of proportion, and that he respects what Carl does for the city. He’s also brought some tickets to his show for the whole gang. The family is head over heels for this guy, especially Rachel, who can’t even seem to speak in front of him. Carl’s bullshit detector is going a mile a minute, and when he agrees to speak with Buddy privately, he does so warily.
Buddy tries to schmooze Carl as well, but Carl isn’t having any of it. He tells him to get to the point. This is the strongest Carl has looked on this show, and it’s an important scene. Buddy offers Carl $2,000 to change his story, and tell the world that it was all just a misunderstanding. Carl has integrity though, and he politely tells Buddy to go fuck himself. Buddy warns him that if he isn’t ready to comply, Buddy will have his assistant commit perjury and claim that Carl assaulted Buddy unprovoked. Carl tells Buddy that if he gave into his demands, he wouldn’t be able to look himself in the mirror. Buddy offers him $3,000, and Carl tells him to get out, now. Buddy tries to chitchat with the family again on his way out, but they were listening at the door, and they treat him like the scumbag that he is. Eddie hands Buddy the tickets that he gave them, and tells them that they won’t be needing them anymore. Buddy tries one last time to save face, but Harriet slams the door in his face, and the family erupts in celebration.
We flash forward a couple of weeks, and Estelle and Rachel are discussing how tough those weeks have been for Carl. Carl and Harriet walk in victoriously. Apparently, Buddy Goodrich’s lawyer broke down on the stand and told the truth about what happened (which is really just that he wasn’t in the room when Buddy took the swing). Goodrich didn’t handle this well, firing his assistant and then punching out his lawyer. He was sentenced to a large fine and 100 hours of community service. Rachel laughs her ass off, but Carl tells her that she shouldn’t take pleasure in someone else’s misery, right before he suggests that they take a slow drive along the interstate so that they can watch Buddy pick up trash. You have to give Buddy credit for diving right into his community service on the night that he lost his trial. The family embraces, and that’s the end of the episode.
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