Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.3
“Short Story”
Original Air Date: October 6, 1989
Last week, Harriet somehow convinced a businessman that she didn’t need to be qualified for a position in order to get the job, while something about Carl paying bills scared the shit out of the rest of the family. Surprisingly, we are going to get more information on Carl and his bills this week.
You can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. You can also read any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed here.
I’m going to be straightforward with you: this is one of the worst episodes of television I’ve ever seen. I had zero recollection of ever seeing this, and I’m not sure if that’s because I didn’t see it until now, or if my mind mercifully blacked out the memory for trauma reasons. I understand that all of Family Matters was bad, but most of it is so bad that it’s good, in a “The Replacements” kind of way. “Short Story” was more boring than bad, and that’s worse. Much, much worse. Maybe that’ll make for a fun recap? Let’s find out.
“Honey, you wouldn’t even believe how bad this episode is.” (Photo Credit: IMDB)
Cold Open:
For the first time in Family Matters history, we get a cold open to start the show. If you don’t know what that is, it’s when there is a scene before the opening credits. A lot of times, especially in a sitcom, it’s used to make a joke that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. That’s how it’s used here, but “joke” is too strong of a word in this case. Eddie is setting the table, and we get “Eddie, the forks go on the left.” “The left?” “Right.” “Oh, they go on the right.” Such a terrible joke. It literally makes my stomach clench in disappointment. Ant Rachel brings in a pizza, and Eddie is relieved that they don’t need silverware anymore. God, this show needs Urkel.
I’m right there with you, Erin from The Office.
(Note): I’m still jamming out to the theme song every time it plays, and I watch these episodes two to three times each. I wonder how long it will take before I never want to hear it again?
Ant Rachel’s Story:
Yep, after being unimportant for the first two episodes, Ant Rachel is the main character in this one. In case you forgot who Rachel is, I’ll summarize her character growth for you so far: she has a dead husband and an alive baby. Anyway, her story is literally about her story; she has written a short story and submitted it to “Sci-Fi Magazine.” Back in 1989, the internet was not what it is today, and shitty writers couldn’t just create their own website and bitch about Family Matters episodes not being up to their standards. Unfortunately for Ant Rachel, she has been rejected by the magazine, probably because her story was about a trucker who has tattoos, but SURPRISE TWIST: the tattoos are aliens. Ant Rachel is a fucking hack. Harriet advises her to stick to writing about what she knows, which is fantastic advice. That’s why I’m writing about Family Matters and not Gossip Girl. That’s what the youths are watching, right? Although, if Family Matters ever gets a reboot, your boy got in at the ground level. Later, Ant Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, and she has a bad case of the writer’s block. Laura comes in and Rachel asks her how school went. Laura says she could get A’s in her sleep because the public-school system is geared towards idiots like Eddie. Laura is a fucking SAVAGE. Carl holds a family meeting and yells at everyone (more on that later). This inspires Laura to tell Rachel that she should write about their family, because people love stories about domestic violence. Wait, what? A little later, Ant Rachel doesn’t just have writer’s block, but mother’s block as well, because she can’t get Little Ritchie to accept a teething ring. He’s not crying though, so does it really matter? I’m not sure. Harriet suggests putting applesauce on it, letting the viewer know that she butts into Rachel’s life a lot. If you look closely, Ritchie doesn’t even put it into his mouth. Rachel opens a letter and sees that her new story has been accepted by a magazine, and runs off to make copies.
Carl’s Story:
Carl is sitting in the living room, hoping for mail, which is the 1989 version of constantly refreshing your email. All of the mail is going to Mother Winslow, including a letter from the late Barbara Bush, who I guess was in regular correspondence with Mother Winslow during their administration for some reason. The only letter Carl has received is the water bill, so he takes that and Rachel’s rejection letter and heads into the kitchen. While Rachel whines about not getting her story in the magazine, Carl furiously reads the bill, and eventually asks Harriet if they got a pool and no one told him. This is callback joke from last episode, where Carl read the food bill and asked Harriet if they had another kid that he didn’t know about. If this show is going to be about Carl reading bills until Urkel gets there, I’m gonna have a bad time. Carl completely shuts off the water, so Harriet threatens to not feed him, and since Carl loves him some food, he turns the water right back on. Later, Carl is on the warpath again because Eddie left the sprinkler on all morning. He calls everyone into the living room to tell them that they need written consent from him to access water from now on. I didn’t laugh at this when I first watched it, but I guess that’s kind of funny. The execution must have been lacking. Eventually, Carl tells his mother that they finally have the water usage under control, wrapping up this storyline.
Conclusion:
Unfortunately for Ant Rachel, no one in the family enjoyed the story. It’s entirely about them, and they don’t like how they were portrayed in it, even though it describes them to a tee; Mother Winslow is too pushy, Carl is cheap, Laura is a know-it-all, Judy is a whiner, and Harriet tries to run everyone’s life. Only Eddie, who is portrayed as a ladies’ man, enjoys the story. If Rachel knew about Eddie spying on his neighbor, she probably would not have written him this way. Harriet is the most pissed, because the story is mostly about how she’s an overbearing sister who likes to push Ant Rachel around.
Harriet is so upset with Rachel that she refuses to talk to her. Carl convinces her to hear Rachel out, so Rachel tries to apologize, telling her that it was just a story, and that Harriet was the one who told her to write about what she knew in the first place. I have to say, I’m completely on Rachel’s side here. It hurts to hear inconvenient truths about yourself, but that doesn’t mean you should stop talking to a loved one because they pointed it out to you. Either wear your faults as a badge of honor, or try to make a change. Anyway, Harriet doesn’t do either of those things, and their argument just gets more heated.
Eddie is riding high because his aunt thinks he’s a ladies’ man, so he puts his creep binoculars away for a few minutes and gets dressed up nice. He’s decided to ask out the prettiest girl in school, Linda Fontaine. Laura tells him that he’s an idiot, but Eddie is on Bae Watch, so he’s off to win the girl of his dreams.
Harriet and Ant Rachel are still squabbling, and Harriet bars her from dinner, which absolutely proves that she is not a controlling sister. Carl tells her that it’s time to bury the hatchet, but Harriet isn’t ready to talk it out with Rachel yet. He should have tried telling her on the porch. The porch fixes everything.
Laura heads up to Ant Rachel’s room. When she enters, Ant Rachel is eating pizza because she’s been banished from family dinner by her psychopath sister. Rachel and Laura discuss how shitty it is to have a sister. Judy comes in and Laura throws a pillow at her, screaming at her to get out. Ant Rachel tells Laura that she needs to apologize. Laura tells her that of course she’s going to apologize; she doesn’t want to ruin her relationship with her sister, that would be the WORST. Wink, wink. Laura retrieves the pillow she threw and throws it back to Rachel, WHO DOESN’T HAVE A PIZZA ANYMORE. Just a terrible mistake by the director. I need more continuity from my favorite shitty 90’s sitcoms. Laura leaves the room, and of course Judy is waiting for her. This whole segment has been a scheme by Laura and Judy to help their mother and aunt make up. The kids are doing the parenting on this show now.
Rachel comes down to the kitchen, and sits at the table with Harriet so she can apologize. Harriet, like a goddamn child, picks up the book she was reading and moves to a different spot in the kitchen. Rachel just wants to fix this, so she follows Harriet and tells her that they need to talk. Rachel apologizes for the story, and Harriet tells her that it’s not about the story anymore. She doesn’t want Rachel to think she’s bossy, but Rachel DOES think she’s bossy, so Harriet tells Rachel to just let her know if she’s acting that way. Rachel agrees, and Harriet tells her that she really means it. Rachel tells her she’s being pushy, and Harriet is surprised by this, because she suffers from an insane lack of self-awareness. They hug, and Carl runs about a second later and joins their hug, which is legitimately the only thing I actually laughed at while watching this. What was he doing, just standing near the doorway? Eddie walks in, and his clothes are all torn up. Apparently, he’s been beaten up by Linda Fontaine’s boyfriend, Bubba. He hasn’t suffered any physical damage, so it seems as if Bubba just decided to tear off a bit of Eddie’s clothing for him. Maybe he was looking for a threesome. Carl tells him that it’s time they had a talk about girls and guys named Bubba, and, mercifully, that’s the end of the episode.
That was difficult to get through. A sitcom (even an early nineties one) should make me laugh once or twice, or at the very least not bore me so much.
Join me next week, when I’ll be recapping episode 1.4, entitled “Rachel’s First Date.” We should start a pool on how long she gets into her date before she tells the guy that her husband is dead.
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