Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.4

“Rachel’s First Date”

Original Air Date:  October 13, 1989

Last week, Aunt Rachel wrote a story that was too real for everyone in the family, and Eddie got his ass handed to him by a guy named Bubba.

I have a few administrative things to address before we get into this episode.  First, for some reason I have been calling Aunt Rachel “Ant Rachel.”  This was pointed out to me by a reader named Brandi Judd, and I don’t know why I was doing that.  It must’ve been some weird childhood memory thing that stopped me from hearing it correctly.  Going forward, I will do my best to not screw this up.  Second, my buddy Ryan suggested that I start using a star meter for every episode that doesn’t have Urkel in it to rate just how badly they needed him in that episode.  I think this is a fantastic idea.  So, I’ll do that now for all of the episodes we’ve covered so far:

(Note:  The scale goes from one star to five stars, with one being an episode that didn’t need Urkel at all, and five being an episode that DESPERATELY needed Urkel)

Episode 1.1, The Mama Who Came to Dinner: **

Episode 1.2, Two-Income Family: ***

Episode 1.2, Short Story: *****

Going forward, these ratings (if applicable) will be available at the end of the recap. 

If you’d like to catch up on the episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Every “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here. 

This episode was a fantastic turn-around from last week’s clunker.  Enjoy.

“I don’t know how to be honest with my wife’s sister, so please sleep with her!” (Photo Credit: IMDB)

 Cold Open: 

For the second straight episode, there is a cold open to start the show. Carl is preparing an ice cream sundae for himself, when in the door walks STEVEN Q. MOTHERFUCKING URKEL, sending a shock through my body like a bolt of lightning.  This cold open was not a part of the episode when it originally aired, but it was added on when the show went into syndication.  Apparently, the show-runners agreed with me that the pre-Urkel era was not nearly as good, and tried to fix things with a little Urkling.  What’s interesting is that anyone who has not watched this show before would not have any idea who Urkel is, because there isn’t any sort of introduction for him.  Because of this, I’m considering this to be non-canonical, and I will go into more detail about Steve later in the series.  Anyway, Steve convinces Carl that the sundae is far too unhealthy for him to be eating, and Carl says, “Once again, you’ve come between me and the things I love.”  He leaves, and Steve says, “Works every time!” and eats the Sundae.  I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this fifty second exchange.  The Carl/Steve dynamic is the comedic backbone of this series, and it was a breath of fresh air for me.

Carl, Harriet, and Aunt Rachel’s Story:

This was definitely the best job so far that the Family Matters writers did of grouping the adult characters together in a satisfying narrative arc.  Carl, Harriet, Mother Winslow, and Little Ritchie are in the kitchen, and Carl is pretending to fly his nephew around like an airplane.  Mother Winslow tells Carl that she couldn’t have done that with him as a baby, because he was so fat.  Harriet says that he’s still a wide-body, but it’s all first class.  That’s actually kind of adorable.  She loves him regardless of his weight problems.  Carl tells Mother Winslow that for the first time in a long time, he and Harriet are going to dinner and a movie, alone.  She tells him not to see a slasher movie, because he has nightmares.  Harriet agrees and makes fun of him for using a nightlight.  Back to the emasculation, I see.  Carl takes it all in stride, because he’s a hell of a cop, and a hell of a man.  Carl and Harriet send the kids out to a slumber party, and get excited for their date.  Before they can leave, however, the phone rings.  It’s a man named Alan on the phone for Rachel, so Carl yells for her to come downstairs.  Apparently, Alan has been asking Rachel out on a regular basis, but she continuously shuts him down.  These days, he’d be arrested for stalking.  Aunt Rachel turns him down again, telling him that she just has too much to do.  Carl and Harriet go to leave, but Rachel asks where they’re off to.  Upon finding out that they’re going to the movies, she invites herself on their date.  This honestly not a problem, because Carl could have explained the situation to her. Instead, he says nothing to her, which is weak as hell.  You’ll notice that I didn’t blame Harriet.  That’s because she was waiting for her husband to do the right thing, and tactfully explain to her sister that they are trying to have a date night.  This is not something that Harriet should have to explain to her sister. As I said before, nothing gets said, and they head to the movie. After the movie (and subsequent dinner, which Aunt Rachel also attended), the three of them arrive home.  Rachel goes to check on Little Ritchie, and Carl and Harriet talk about how she ruined their date.  They settle in on the couch, trying to make the most of what remains of their date night, until Rachel comes down and interrupts again.  Carl and Harriet finally tell her that they need some space, and that she needs to go out with people who aren’t them (preferably single men).  Rachel agrees that the next time Alan calls, she’ll accept his invitation to go out with him.  About a week later, Carl is fed up waiting for Alan to call, and is using the phone book to call every Alan Smith in their area, hoping to find the right one.  Alan is doing the right thing, though.  After he was turned down, he waited a week before asking again.  If he hadn’t, he’d have come across as desperate.  On the other hand, Carl said earlier that he’s been trying for several weeks, so obviously he is desperate.  After she said no twice, he should have moved on to someone else.  Aunt Rachel comes through the kitchen door in gym clothes, and wouldn’t you know it, that’s exactly where she just came from.  I’d like to take a second here and point out that she is in TREMENDOUS shape.  She’s got muscles for days.  The phone rings, and would you look at that, it’s Alan on the line.  Aunt Rachel instinctively tries to turn Alan down, but after a look from Harriet, she agrees to go out with him on Tuesday night.  She’s clearly not ready for this date.  You can tell from her body language, and also because she forgets to bring Little Ritchie along when she goes upstairs to burp him.  Later, Rachel is getting ready for her date, and she’s worried that she’ll seem too sexy.  She doesn’t want Alan to get the wrong idea on the first date.  Harriet tells her that she needs to relax.  Somehow, no one has noticed that she’s definitely not ready to go on this date.  Her husband just died a little over a year ago, gang! They could have just told her that she couldn’t come on their dates with them anymore.  There was no reason to push her into something that she obviously couldn’t handle yet.

Eddie and Laura’s Story:

Eddie and Laura are playing poker, and Eddie doesn’t know how to play.  He has a pair of fours and he thinks he’s guaranteed to win with this shit hand for some reason, even going so far as to tell her to “read ‘em and weep.”  Laura, however, has a Full House, so she takes the pot.  Eddie has been using a marked deck, so he wants to know how she got such a good hand when she didn’t receive any face cards.  Laura complains to Carl that Eddie is cheating, and Carl rightfully tells her that it’s not helping him any.  The doorbell rings, and Carl throws Eddie from the recliner to the couch, because Aunt Rachel’s date is here, and the recliner is for company. 

Conclusion: 

Carl opens the door, and Alan is trying to adjust his tie in the reflection of the door’s window.  Carl ignores this, because he’s a nice man, and he welcomes Alan into his home.  Laura tries to get Alan to gamble with her. She can spot a sucker a mile away.  Carl tells her to go tell Aunt Rachel that her date is here.  Carl tells Alan to take a seat, and Eddie pushes over on the couch.  Alan sits on the couch, and Carl sits in the recliner, WHICH IS FOR GUESTS, EDDIE.

Upstairs, Aunt Rachel has settled on a yellow dress, and she is looking damn good.  Why did I never have a crush on her? Weird.  The first crush I had on this show was Myra (which makes sense, because, damn), but Aunt Rachel was sneaky hot this whole time. Anyway, Laura comes in to tell her that Alan is there, and Rachel starts to panic.  Harriet asks Laura to stall Alan.

Laura goes downstairs and tells Carl that she thinks Alan is going to get stood up, and she thinks she should break the news to Alan.  Carl, like Harriet, tells her to stall Alan while he figures out what is going on.  Alan’s intuition tells him that something is wrong, so he asks Carl if everything is all right.  Carl says, “You know women.  They’re like doctors.  They make you wait forever, and then they cost you an arm and a leg.”  Alan, who is a doctor, is visibly annoyed by this joke.  He doesn’t even give Carl a courtesy laugh.  I turned on Alan as soon as this happened.  This man just welcomed you into his home (without pointing out the stupid shit you were doing in his doorway), and you’re going to do him dirty like that?  Unacceptable.  Eddie tells Alan that he’ll show him a magic trick while he waits.  Eddie tells him to pick a card, any card.  Alan picks one, and Eddie proceeds to guess all of the deuces in the pack.  When he is through all of them, he says, “It’s not a two, right?”  Alan confirms this, with a lot more charm than how he’s dealt with Carl.  Maybe Carl has previously made fun of Alan for being in the choir at church.  Fuckin’ nerd.

Rachel has changed dresses, and still does not like the one she’s wearing.  I would have stuck with the yellow one.  She doesn’t think she can go on the date. Harriet points out that Alan deserves something, since he’s had to deal with her terrible kids.

Downstairs, Eddie, one of said terrible children, is still guessing which card Alan is holding, and Alan is getting annoyed.  In walk Mother Winslow and Judy, fresh off selling hundreds of boxes of girl scout cookies.  She tells them that anyone can say no to a little old lady or a little girl, but no one can say no to both at the same time.  Mother Winslow is the world’s greatest salesman.  She tells Alan that she’ll go check on Rachel for him.  Eddie guesses at Alan’s card one more time, and he’s wrong again.   Judy guesses correctly on the first try, causing Eddie’s blood to boil.  This is likely the moment when he decides to join Laura in her murderous conspiracy against Judy.

Upstairs, Carl is trying unsuccessfully to talk Rachel into going on her date.  Mother Winslow comes in and asks to talk to Rachel alone.  These two proceed to put on an acting clinic.  This scene is why I like this episode so much.  They discuss what it’s like to have a husband die young (something they both have in common) and having to put the pieces back together afterwards.  Honestly, this episode is worth watching for this scene alone.  Eventually, Mother Winslow tells Rachel that she needs to start moving on, even though it’ll be tough.  Rachel asks her how, and Mother Winslow tells her that she can start by going on a date with the nice young man who is waiting for her downstairs.

Judy and Laura are singing a Supremes song to Alan and their parents.  At the end, everyone applauds, including Alan, who sneakily checks his watch while applauding, a nice touch by that actor.  Rachel finally comes downstairs, and apologizes to Alan for making him wait so long.  They leave for dinner.

Later, on the magical porch that fixes everything, Carl and Harriet are snuggled up together on their porch swing.  Remember porch swings?  Those things rule.  Rachel comes home, and thanks them for pushing her to go on the date.  Carl asks for details, but Rachel doesn’t kiss and tell.  It’s still evening, so she is certainly not DTF on the first date either.  Rachel is a classy dame.  She retires for the evening, and Harriet tells Carl that she’ll get all the details for him later.

That’s the end of a very good episode.  Ironically, I would have given it one star on the “Needs Urkel” scale just on the back of the Mother Winslow/Aunt Rachel scene alone.  Of course, that scale isn’t necessary, because the king nerd himself walked through that door and back into our hearts.

Join me next week, when I’ll be breaking down episode 1.5, “Straight A’s.”  I’m 0 for 2 in my last two title-based predictions, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess that this isn’t about Eddie.

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