Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.9
“Stake-Out”
Original Air Date: November 23, 1989
Last week, Harriet successfully convinced Carl that screwing up his home construction project didn’t make him any less manly, and Aunt Rachel spent the whole episode trying to convince everyone that Little Ritchie could talk, even though no one gave a shit.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
But…but you’re a woman! (Photo Credit: IMDB)
Cold Open:
Carl is in the living room, listening to some 60’s music and bopping along, when the kids come downstairs. He tells them that the 60’s had the best music to dance to, and he tries to show them how to do it. Because this is a television show that ran in the 90’s, Carl is contractually obligated to hurt himself while dancing, and the kids are contractually obligated to think that his cries for help are part of the dance.
Carl and Harriet’s Story:
Carl comes home for the day to find his family sitting at the kitchen table. He’s forlorn because his longtime partner, Burt, has quit the police force to pursue his dream of writing a screenplay. Carl has been given a new partner, but what’s this? She’s a woman?! Talk about a storyline that wouldn’t get on the air today. Anyway, Carl and Eddie make fun of women together for a bit, calling them weak, small, and slow. All the while, the entire family is trying to open a jar of pickles, and when Harriet opens it easily, Carl tells her that he loosened it for her. Ha-ha-ha, 90’s comedy. Laura can’t believe how chauvinistic her father is, and Eddie says that he thought the family was Baptist. I actually said, “Ugh, terrible” out loud.
A full day passes by, and Harriet is cleaning the living room. She’s wearing a do-rag and an apron, a classic sitcom cleaning outfit. I’ve never seen someone dress specifically to clean in real life, except maybe a maid at a hotel. Carl comes home, and he’s done a complete 180 on having a female partner. He raves about how Vanessa did all the leg work on their first call that morning. He’s also excited because she lifts weights and is going to join their bowling team as well. Carl goes to grab his bowling shirt, and that’s when Vanessa shows up to pick up Carl. The women visibly react to her being gorgeous, and then Carl comes back in with his bowling shirt on. This is when I noticed that not only do Carl and Vanessa already have matching bowling shirts, but Vanessa has altered hers so that she can show off her cleavage. They do the team cheer, which I guess Carl taught her right after she apprehended the bad guy. Harriet tries (admirably) to pretend that she didn’t notice how hot Vanessa is, remarking that she seems very nice. Mother Winslow says, “Uh, huh,” in a sassy older black lady way, which is ALWAYS funny, I don’t care who you are. Harriet tries to push through this (because she’s a good, trusting woman), and states that it’s good to see Carl and Vanessa getting along so well. Estelle, again, says, “Uh huh.” Rachel says that Vanessa has “plenty of upper body strength,” which I guess is supposed to imply that she has large breasts. Harriet says that she didn’t notice, and for a third time (comedy rule of three, bay-bay!) Mother Winslow says, “Uh, huh.” I’m not lying, I laughed every time she did this. Every. Single. Time.
The next morning, Carl comes downstairs in a suit. Harriet, trying to demonstrate her value, offers him some blueberry pancakes. Carl declines, saying that he is trying to slim down. Estelle asks her son why he’s looking so spiffy. Carl tells her that he’s just on a routine stakeout that day. Harriet points out that with Burt, Carl always wore a t-shirt and jeans on a stakeout, and Carl tells her that Vanessa has convinced him that a police officer should always look his or her best. When Rachel and Mother Winslow point out how attractive Vanessa is, Harriet tells them to cut it out, and that she’s glad that Carl has a good working relationship with his partner. Carl leaves, and Estelle mentions that she’s glad that her dead husband Sam never had a partner that looked like Vanessa, and Harriet, who has told her female family members to quit it several times now, firmly states that she trusts Carl. Estelle tells her that it’s not Carl but Vanessa that she needs to worry about, because she could be a sex-crazed vixen.
A little bit later, Harriet is folding laundry, and Estelle and Rachel are STILL giving her crap about Carl being alone with Vanessa for so long, and Harriet again puts her foot down, insisting that she trusts Carl. What a good woman. She’s got her two closest friends telling her over and over that some bimbo is trying to steal her husband, and she’s staying strong. Unfortunately, while she’s declaring her trust, a hotel key for a room at Louie’s Love Grotto (sleaziest name ever) falls out of one of Carl’s pants pockets. Estelle gives us one more, “Uh, huh” but with a slightly different tone, and it’s hilarious.
Eddie, Laura, and Judy’s Story:
Puberty. No, really. The kids are sitting on the couch together. Laura and Judy are busy reading (the same book?), and Eddie is staring at the TV. There’s a Paula Abdul video on, and it’s driving him crazy. Remember, this is back in a time when the internet didn’t exist, at least not in the way it does today, so Eddie, a fifteen-year-old boy (or thereabouts), doesn’t have pornographic materials readily available to him. Laura shuts the television off (so remote controls already exist), but Eddie continues staring at it with a dreamy look on his face. Aunt Rachel comes downstairs and wonders why he’s staring at a blank TV screen, and Laura explains. Judy says that Paula Abdul can really move, and Rachel remembers fondly a time when she could really move as well. Now she just reads. Laura gives Eddie one more minute to recover before she goes and gets the hose. This is the only scene for the children this week, but it’s an amusing one.
Conclusion:
Even after she finds the key, Harriet is still trying to give Carl the benefit of the doubt. Estelle suggests that they might not be his pants (even though Carl is the only person of his size in the household), but when Rachel finds a Twinkie in his other pocket, they become certain that they’re his. Harriet tries one more time to maintain her trust in Carl, but when Rachel finds “ask about our hourly rate” on the back of this disgusting hotel’s key, Harriet finally relents, and she and Rachel head to the hotel to check on Carl. Everyone’s got a breaking point.
We cut to a hotel room at Louie’s Love Grotto, and Carl and Vanessa are playing Gin Rummy. Carl sucks, so Vanessa suggests they play Go Fish instead. She thanks him for being a gentleman, because she had been worried that he would hit on her like the other male officers that she’s worked with. She feels comfortable with Carl. The phone rings, and it’s another officer, letting them know that he can’t hear them over the microphone wired inside of Vanessa’s cleavage. Carl helps her fix the microphone, which he does in a truly gentlemanly way, still managing to be funny in the process. Nice job there by Reginald VelJohnson. Carl makes sure that the other officer can hear him when he gives the signal, which is “they look real to me!” This means that Carl is yelling, “they look real to me!” into Vanessa’s cleavage, which is funny. Vanessa asks Carl to help her secure the microphone, and Harriet and Rachel come into the room as his arms are wrapped around Vanessa. The next few minutes are Carl explaining to Harriet what’s really going on, Vanessa showing them the money that they have to “buy” stolen diamonds, and then Harriet feeling stupid. If you’ve ever seen a sitcom before, you’ve seen this scene. I’m not saying that it wasn’t amusing. It’s an oldie but a goodie. A knock comes on the door and Carl, fearing for Rachel and Harriet’s safety, ushers them into the bathroom. The knock on the door is not from the jewel thieves, however. It’s Estelle, and SHE. IS. PISSED. She yells at Carl for bit, even using his middle name, which is Otis. Carl’s initials spell “COW.” This is the kind of mind-blowing analysis that is unique to “Only Urkel Matters.” The jewel thieves arrive as Carl is trying to get his family to safety. They try to do the exchange, but when Carl tries to signal his fellow officers, no one arrives to help them. Carl and Vanessa try to make the bust regardless, but one of the thieves escapes Vanessa’s grasp. It seems to me that they should have had Carl be the one to lose his perp, to really drive home the “girl power” theme of the episode. Regardless, the thief is flipped on his back by Mother Winslow, earning praise from Vanessa. Estelle tells Vanessa that she should have known her when she had two good hips.
Back at the house, the ladies are regaling Laura and Eddie with the story of their adventure. Harriet sends the kids up to bed, and expresses regret over her actions. Rachel and Estelle admonish her a bit, until Rachel eventually admits some fault in the matter. Estelle, old-school as fuck, doesn’t admit to wrongdoing of any kind. Rachel doesn’t think she can sleep because of all of the adrenaline the evening caused, and Mother Winslow agrees, eventually suggesting that she and Rachel ding-dong ditch the neighbors. She was absolutely the MVP of this episode. Carl comes home and tells Harriet that the thief that Estelle flipped is claiming police brutality. That’s a lazy joke, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Harriet apologizes to Carl for doubting him, but he’s not even mad; he was flattered because she thought that he could pull Vanessa. He tells Harriet that she’s the only one for him, and they race off to Louie’s Love Grotto for some hot tub sex, ending the episode.
Join me next week, when I’ll be reviewing Episode 1.10, “False Arrest.” I know I get these predictions wrong A LOT, but if this episode doesn’t have something to do with police work, I might have to think of a less Urkely profession.
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