Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.20
Last week, Eddie defended Urkel from a bully, and then a large group of kids poured orange soda all over Urkel immediately afterwards. Where were you on that one, Eddie?
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
This week’s episode starts with a pair of skinny legs standing on a chair in the Winslow’s kitchen. The camera slowly pans up, and Urkel is revealed, wearing this outfit, which is goddamn insane.
(Family Matters)
Eddie is doing an art project, and needs to paint a picture of a Greek God. Not sure why this requires Urkel too be pant-less or carry a frisbee, but what the fuck do I know? Laura comes downstairs and gives the classic, “Urkel, what in the world are you doing?” line that she’ll be required to say 200 more times in this series. He explains that he’s a god, she calls him a chicken, and we jump right into the opening theme.
Eddie’s Story:
Eddie and Shitty Rodney enter the kitchen from the living room. Rod announces that Eddie has decided to run for Class President. The family is stoked, but Eddie hasn’t made up his mind yet. Rachel, who is sitting at the dining room table with Carl and Harriet, explains that he’ll probably get way more ass if he agrees to run, so Eddie acquiesces.
Later, Rodney is making signs for Eddie’s campaign; they all say, “Eddie for President.” Eddie feels this doesn’t have the necessary pizzazz, so Shitty Rodney suggests “Vote for Eddie.” Laura comes downstairs and mocks Rodney, and then suggests “Win with Winslow.” Shitty Rodney quickly realizes that she’s coming for his campaign manager job, so he points out that he had 1,000 “Vote for Eddie” buttons made. Unfortunately, they all actually say, “Vote for Edie.” Eddie admonishes him, but Rodney says that the button people charged by the letter, which was the first thing that Shitty Rodney has said that made me laugh. They could have gone with the easy “Rodney doesn’t know how to spell his best friend’s name” gag, but I much prefer the “Rodney is trying to save money by skipping a letter” joke. Laura tells Eddie that his only chance to win is to let her run his campaign. Eddie says he’ll think about it, and they all cross their arms at the same time for no reason whatsoever.
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Eddie ultimately chooses Laura to be manage the campaign.
Eddie and Laura enter the kitchen to find Carl and Harriet cutting coupons out of the newspaper. Laura knows that Eddie needs to practice winning votes, so Eddie tries Carl first. After telling him almost nothing. Eddie accidentally stabs Carl with a “Vote for Edie” pin. Even so, Carl tells Eddie that he has his vote. Harriet recognizes that Eddie said absolutely nothing of substance, so Eddie tries a different tactic with her. He asks her if he’s seen her before on the 1985 show, “227,” which was about the lives of the people who lived at apartment (you guessed it) 227. She rolls her eyes, but he compliments her dress and eyes, which somehow DOES win her vote. Carl and Harriet rush off to a movie, and Eddie and Laura start to really believe that they have a chance to win, as long as no one asks Eddie any questions about his values or his platform in general. Comedically, that’s when Shitty Rodney shows up and tells them that he’s arranged for Eddie to debate the other candidate for Freshman president, Margie Flegman. Laura says that they’re dead meat unless they find a picture of Margie on a yacht with Gary Hart. This episode is flush with 1980’s references. According to Wikipedia (which I can use as a source because there’s nobody that can tell me I can’t. Fuck you, schoolteachers!), “Gary Hart was the front runner for the 1988 Democratic nomination until he dropped out over allegations of an extramarital affair.” Look how far we’ve come as a society! That guy’s political career was ended just because he got his rocks off outside of the bonds of marriage, but now we have a president that full-on admitted that he grabbed a lady by her vagina. We’re living the dream!
Laura is pissed off at Shitty Rodney, so she attempts to strangle him.
So far, this is my favorite GIF that I’ve made for this column. (Family Matters)
After Eddie saves him, Rodney tells that that the debate isn’t a big deal, and that it’s just questions from the editor of the school newspaper. Laura decides that they can get through the debate by not providing any content and ducking the more difficult questions. Shitty Rodney heads out to draw mustaches on Margie Flegman’s campaign posters, because bringing other people down is really the only thing that he knows how to do. On his way out the door, Rodney runs into Urkel. He does the “what’s that on your shirt, oops I flicked your nose” bit that is incredibly popular with people who think they’re funny but are actually just terrible humans. Urkel cracks up, and then the two boys gaze into each other’s eyes for what feels like an eternity. Rodney finally leaves, and Urkel strolls on in. Laura tells him to go home, but he can’t because his parents are hosting a game of Bridge and have forbidden him from coming home until their friends have left. Urkel’s parents belong in prison. Steve lets slip that he goes to the same allergist as Margie Flegman, and that he thinks that she’s a nerd. That gives Laura an idea on how to proceed with the debate, but we don’t find out what that idea is, because Urkel cuts her off with a fantasy about the two of them on a desert island together. She kicks him out of the house, and he thanks her for a lovely evening (through the closed door).
Debate day arrives, and Eddie is clearly nervous. Laura reminds him to smile, and to remember to avoid answering tough questions. The debate begins, and Eddie puts that strategy to work right away, answering the very first question by saying that he’s formed a committee to answer that question and doesn’t want to comment until he’s received a report. Margie responds to the same question with a substantial answer, and that’s when Laura’s debate plan gets put into action. Laura knows the strengths and weaknesses of her team like the back of her hand. Eddie is handsome but stupid, so she advised him to avoid the questions and just look pretty. Shitty Rodney is also stupid as hell, but he is extremely gifted in the art of ruining someone else’s day. That’s why as soon as Margie makes her first point, Rodney’s bitch-ass stands up and boos her. This same sequence happens again on the second question, except this time Rodney starts a “Winslow! Winslow!” chant instead of booing.
Rachel’s Story:
Yep, it’s a story about Aunt Rachel. Her stories are about as fun as Family Guy episodes about Meg. Rachel comes into the kitchen with a box filled with cans. She’s writing a story about the environment, so she’s been doing research. Harriet warns her not to go off the deep end, and Rachel tells her that she has it under control. Carl tries to put some whipped cream on a piece of pie, and Rachel freaks the hell out, warning him that the aerosol can is creating a hole in the O-Zone layer. Carl decides that he’s going to eat his pie anyway, and Rachel sulks off.
Rachel’s completely unnecessary storyline continues as she explains the merit of recycling to Little Ritchie in the kitchen. Carl and Harriet enter, and they are rightfully concerned because there are now six barrels sitting in the middle of their kitchen. Rachel explains that these are all for different types of recycling. Carl and Harriet are visibly annoyed, but they don’t say anything, even though Rachel has just drastically changed their home despite not receiving any sort of permission from them to do so.
Later, Carl and Harriet walk into the kitchen to find piles and piles of newspapers and cans. Harriet is so proud of this kitchen, and it gets ruined almost weekly by her jerk family. Carl is so distraught at the sight of this that he needs an aspirin. Harriet directs him to the pantry. Upon opening the pantry door, this happens:
(Family Matters)
Carl and Harriet are understandably pissed. Rachel comes in through the back door, and they explain to her that their house is not a goddamn recycling center. Rachel tells them that she was just trying to help the environment, so Carl tells her that if she writes a good article, she’ll do a lot more good for the world than if she tries to do it all by herself. Mercifully, this is the end of this storyline. Or is it? Let’s read on.
Conclusion:
The debate continues, and Eddie slowly realizes that he has no idea what he’s doing on that stage. His friends continue to support him regardless, which is admirable in a way, but is also shitting on the only viable candidate their miserable school has to offer. The next time Margie speaks, Shitty Rodney starts a “Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!” chant, causing Margie to look out at them sadly and say, “I am who I am.” You have to respect her courage. Eddie certainly does, as he tells his friends to fuck off (paraphrasing here) and that they should listen to her speak, because she has some great ideas. He admits that he only ran to get girls, at which point a cute girl stands up and shouts, “I love you Eddie!” Eddie drops out of the race, and recommends that everyone vote for Margie. Everyone wins: the class gets a viable leader and Eddie gets an over-the-pants HJ from the girl in the crowd.
Back at the Winslow household, Laura is sulking in the living room. She’s mad because Eddie dropped out, even though she had no personal stake in Eddie winning whatsoever. She was just doing him a solid. She would have received the same thing win or lose: nothing. Eddie tells her that it would have been wrong to win the way they were trying to, and she eventually admits that he’s right. He tells her that they won’t be needing the “Win with Winslow” signs anymore, so he’s going to put them away until it’s her turn to run for president. Unfortunately for Eddie, when he opens the closet door, this happens:
(Family Matters)
Eddie Screams, “Aunt Rachel!” and the episode ends.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 1.21, “Bowl Me Over.” It’s obviously a bowling episode, here’s hoping Steve tries to throw a ball and heads down the lane with it.
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