Only Urkel Matters, Episode 4.3: This One Is Also About Cars
“Driving Carl Crazy”
Original Air Date: October 9, 1992
Previously on OUM: Someone bought a car, and that was the majority of the plot. They wouldn’t dare do that in back-to-back weeks, right?
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Harriette are dancing alone in the living room. It’s clear that for the first time in a long while, they have a chance to be romantic. Carl claps his hands, and the lights dim. So suave. He then sweetens the pot by offer her a little bit of the bubbly. It seems like we’re headed for yet another mouth to feed in the Winslow household, but luckily, the world’s greatest contraceptive arrives in the form of Steven Q. Urkel. The Urkman is excited because he just completed a hundred hour course in trumpeting. Carl asks him to leave so that he and his bride can have some discretionary times, and not only does Steve understand, he attempts to help in the wooing of Harriette by playing them a song. Unfortunately, he plays a note so high that it shatters the champagne glasses, potentially ruining the evening and certainly enraging Le Champion. We never find out if Carl managed to seal the deal regardless of Urkel’s antics.
The Story:
Carl is pissed at Steve, because he ruined a perfectly good (and according to him, expensive) bottle of wine. Urkel, far from feeling contrite, questions how costly the bottle really is. This is the last straw for Carl, and he tells Steve to leave. Steve does leave, but not before getting in one of his newer catchphrases: “I don’t have to take this. I’m going home.” Harriette wants to resume their evening, but Carl is still furious, and he complains about the Urkman for a while. Suddenly, he becomes faint, and nearly passes out onto the couch. Harriette is immediately concerned, but Carl, sure that he can still get some, convinces her that he’s good to go for the evening. Harriette acquiesces, on the condition that Carl agree to go see his doctor in the morning.
Later, Laura is headed out for the afternoon when she runs into Hurricane Urkel coming in through the backdoor. He serenades her with a rendition of Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy.” I haven’t heard or thought about this song in decades, so it made me laugh to recall how huge it was while I watched the world’s greatest physical comedian bust a move to it:
(Family Matters)
Laura tells Steve that he isn’t too sexy for anything, which is a great line. When Urkel asks her where she’s going, the eldest Winslow daughter tells him that she’s headed for the mall, and “before you ask, the answer is no.” Urkel, quick as a whip, wants to know what the question was. When she tells him “Can I go to the mall with you?” and he tells her “Sure, baby, let’s go.” Urkel has avoided getting bullied several times just by using his wit, and I guess he’s now trying to use this strategy to woo his lady love as well. I support this; play to your strengths, my guy. Eddie comes down the stairs, and he’s also singing and dancing to “I’m too Sexy,” which is a huge coincidence, because I was just thinking about that song seven sentences ago. I’ve noticed that they’re trying to hide their sexualization of Laura by oversexualizing Eddie, which is a good idea, because I didn’t notice this at all until I started watching these episodes closely enough to write 3,000 words about them. Laura tells Eddie that his favorite sister needs a ride in her big brother’s car. Eddie asks her why Judy didn’t just ask him for the ride, laughs, and then walks into the living room. From Laura’s reaction, I know we’re supposed to think that she’s mad that he pulled one over on her, but I think that this is when she decides that she’s going to kill Judy. I mean, just look at how mad Laura gets when it’s implied that someone likes Judy better:
There’s murder in those eyes. (Family Matters)
To calm her bloodlust, Laura resumes her discussion with Urkel. She tells him that not having a car is wack (which is probably the first time that yours truly, a five-year-old white boy at the time, heard the word “wack”) and that she is going to go steady with the next guy with wheels who asks her out. She walks out the door, leaving Steve standing in the kitchen with an “I have an idea” look on his face:
(Family Matters)
I thought for sure that we were going to see what he was thinking in a bubble above his head, but since they didn’t go that way with it, let me show you what I think it would have looked like:
(My sick fucking brain)
Later, Carl comes home in his policeman’s uniform to find Harriette and Rachel sitting on the living room couch. Harriette is relieved to see her husband, and asks him if he’s seen the doctor. Carl tells her that he did; his blood pressure is a little high, but he’s fine. Rachel asks him what it was, and Carl tells her that it was 160/98. Rachel reacts poorly to this (remember, she’s a health nut who serves milkshakes for a living), but Carl insists that he’s fine. All he needs to do is control his temper. To help him do this, his doctor has given him a mantra, one that could be heard on a regular basis in my house growing up: “Three, two, one. One, two, three. What the heck is bothering me?” I just sent my brother a voice message:
This was his response:
As you can see, to say that this was a mantra that was repeated many times in my household would be a substantial understatement.
We go forward in time and see Eddie and Laura rushing outside. Eddie tells his sister that Steve has a surprise for her, and mentions that it’ll be something out of her nightmare. Maybe he meant “wet dreams,” because look at this stud:
(Family Matters)
Steve informs Laura that he’s got a car, so she’s contractually obligated to be his girlfriend. Laura knows that will never hold up in court, and she walks away after pointing out that Steve gets into accidents without the added risk for vehicular homicide. Eddie makes fun of the car too, but Urkel isn’t phased by either of them. He asks Eddie to teach him to drive it. Both of the Winslow kids are using common sense (maybe for the first time ever) and Eddie declines, citing as a reason that he doesn’t want to die in “something that looks like that.”
Later, Carl is in the kitchen gabbing with his mother when the Urkman walks in. Carl, realizing that he needs to get his blood pressure down, wisely tells him to kick rocks. Steve ignores this, because his parents never taught him any boundaries (lock them up, throw away the key). Urkel asks Carl if he’ll teach him to drive, and Carl naturally balks at this. Estelle, however, thinks it will be the perfect opportunity to test out his new mantra, and convinces Carl to help Steve. Carl tells Urkel that if he wants his neighbor’s help, he’ll have to try extremely hard not to annoy him. Steve excitedly agrees, and then rips Carl’s shirt clean off. For some reason, this doesn’t immediately void their agreement.
Steve drags Carl out into the driveway, where Carl gets a first look at the Urkster’s brand new vehicle. To Steve’s chagrin, Carl can barely control his laughter, and makes a good joke about how you don’t get in the car, you wear it. The two enter the vehicle, and Carl begins to explain the basics of driving. Upon turning the ignition, Urkel goes mad with excitement, and backs straight into the Winslow’s garage, which is apparently made of papier-mâché:
(Family Matters)
Go ahead, check me on that spelling. I’m fancy, bitch. Carl is justifiably distraught at the destruction of his garage, and we get another Jaleel White/RVJ masterclass in physical comedy:
As Carl attempts to get his hands on Steve, he begins to feel dizzy. Steve goes off to get help as Carl leans against the car, experiencing what is basically every heavyset dad’s worst nightmare. I mean, he’s gotta be thinking heart attack, right? What a transition, going from pure comedy to potential tragedy in the blink of an eye. I hope that the team at Family Matters were grateful to have such a tour de force of an actor at their disposal.
Conclusion:
Carl is sitting on his couch, being profusely apologized to by Urkel. Harriette comes in asks to speak to her husband alone. Steve decides now is the time he will respect their privacy, and does not try to fix the problem with trumpet playing. Once they are alone, Harriette drops a bomb: she just got off the phone with the doctor, and Carl neglected to tell her that his doctor advised him to lay off the salt and fat to help with his high blood pressure. Not only that, the “three two one, one two three” bit was not recommended by the doctor at all, but was something Carl read in a book while sitting in the waiting room. Harriette asks Carl why he would lie like this, and Carl explains to her that he didn’t want to to exercise or give up donuts. Harriette tells him that he is being selfish, and that she can’t bear the thought of Carl not being there to see his kids get married and have children of their own. It’s actually pretty touching. Carl is also moved, and he tells her that he loves her as the credits start to roll.
Tag:
Whoa, a rare tag at the end of the episode! This is filler, but at least it’s worthwhile clown car filler:
I notice Judy didn’t get out of the car. Hmmm.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 4.4, “Rumor Has It.”
