Only Urkel Matters, Episode 4.2: Only Sandwiches Matter
“Dance to the Music”
Original Air Date: October 2, 1992
Previously on OUM: Carl and Steve duked it out in an episode of American Gladiators. It was delcared a tie, but the real winner was the viewing public.
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Before we begin, I’d like to address a couple of things that your fellow readers pointed out to me during the last week on the 7thEvan Facebook page. First, as Matt Elliot pointed out to me, I’ve been spelling NLR’s name correctly for the entirety of this blog’s run. It’s “Richie,” not Ritchie. Second, Andrae Coleman shared an interesting Instagram post on that same page. It’s a video of Shawn Harrison explaining how they shot the basketball scene in the opening credits, and it’s definitely worth a watch. The man speaks so eloquently! Without further ado, here is Episode 4.2 of Only Urkel Matters:
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Laura are in the kitchen making a sandwich, and oh boy, is Carl ever in his happy place:
Have you ever seen someone groove so hard while making a sandwich? The man is living his best life. His incredible high comes crashing down almost immediately, because Hurricane Urkel blows in through the back door. He’s got a stool stuck to the back of his pants, so naturally, Laura asks him why he is stuck to a stool. Steve disagrees with this sentiment, and tells her that it is the stool that is stuck to him. As he says this, he saunters towards her, and creates a fantastic visual:
(Family Matters)
Jaleel White never takes a scene off. This is just a segment about him making a mistake, and he includes a wag of his stool-tail. I legitimately burst out laughing at that. The phone rings, and Laura walks over to answer. It’s Steve’s mother Roberta on the line, and she’s calling to let Steve know that the super glue he’s created (you know, the one that got a stool stuck to his rear) has imprisoned her inside the bathtub. Good thing she kept her phone nearby. Remember, there aren’t cell phones yet, so this was a landline she’s calling from. Steve tells his mother that he’s on his way, and wheels his way out of the house. He doesn’t judge his trajectory correctly, however, so he crashes into something off screen. He’s been doing a lot of off-camera breaking of shit, which is why we haven’t seen an update to the SUB-total in a while. Actually, If I’m being honest, I completely forgot about the Shit Urkel Broke total since my hiatus, and I’m going to have to go back and figure out what I’ve missed.
The Story:
Carl is in the living room reading the newspaper when Eddie walks in. He pretends to join his father in reviewing the days’ events, but Carl realizes quickly that his son has ulterior motives. Eddie wants Carl to buy him a car, and it seems like this isn’t the first time that they’ve had this discussion. Carl explains that he can’t afford to buy Eddie a car now and send him to college in a year’s time. Eddie suggests that he is willing to sacrifice college in favor of a vehicle. Carl simply rolls his eyes.
Later, Carl is in the kitchen, furiously scribbling away on a notepad. Harriette, sensing Carl’s agitation, asks him what’s bothering him. It turns out that Carl has been trying to figure out a way to be able to afford to buy Eddie a car. What a guy! It actually made me a little emotional watching Carl explain that when he held his baby boy for the first time, he made a promise to himself that he would give Eddie everything he ever needed. Harriette tells him that he has made good on that promise, and that a car is not a necessity. She also suggests to Carl that he buy Eddie a “clunker” that he and his son could fix up together. Carl loves this idea, and I do too. He gets to make Eddie’s dream come true and stay within his budget, all while spending quality time together, and he won’t even have to almost die in a frozen pond to do it.
Laura and Urkel walk in through the front door, and Steve is still bragging about his super glue (which he’s dubbed “Wacky Tacky”). Laura doesn’t care about Wacky Tacky one single iota, and she asks him if she can use it to glue his lips shut forever. Steve is taken aback, which I guess makes sense since his lady love just suggested that she would really dig it if he starved to death. The Urkman tells her that she should really start appreciating him, because it’s not like the man of her dreams is right outside her door. He then goes to leave, and standing outside her door is another in a long line of creepy potential suitors for Laura. I won’t deny that he is a handsome man, but my dude has got the crazy eyes:
(Family Matters)
His name is Ted Curran, and he’s a door-to-door candy salesman. He immediately uses the cheesy pickup line, “Laura, you are beautiful. Is that my heart pounding, or am I still knocking on the door?” Laura, as she loves to do, falls for this immediately. She deserves the inevitable heartbreak. Is this what gets girls in high school? This may surprise you, but I was not very debonair in my youth. I wasn’t always the suave Urkel blogger that you know and love today. Anyway, Ted asks Laura out instantly (which actually is the move), and she agrees to go out with him that very night, much to Urkel’s dismay.
Eddie is in the kitchen, and Carl excitedly runs in to tell him that he’s purchased him a car. Eddie freaks out, and they go outside to check it out. I was ready for Eddie’s disappointment, but I honestly didn’t expect this to go down this way:
(Family Matters)
I don’t know how I didn’t see this coming. Carl needed a car on the cheap, and he’s a police officer. Where else would he look? This actually reminds me of my second vehicle, a used work truck that I purchased from my father’s company. The only difference is that the 2005 Dodge Ram that I purchased from my father was (and still is) my dream car, so my reaction once I saw it was more like Eddie in the kitchen, not outside.
Carl proudly divulges to his offspring that he bought the car from a police auction, which is hilarious, because where the heck else could it have come from? Eddie informs his father that he’s been cheated. Carl is baffled, because he hasn’t even told his son what he paid for it yet. Eddie tells his father that if he paid anything for this vehicle, he’s been cheated. Carl understands his son’s skepticism, but he’s super excited to begin working on the car, and he begins to sell his vision to Eddie:
(Family Matters)
God, RVJ is a master at his craft. This is a nothing scene. I mean that, almost nothing is accomplished here, but the man is riveting and quit funny. Darius McCray as Eddie is also wonderful here, reacting to his father’s whimsy in a believable way. It’s not often that I gush about a scene in this show that Jaleel White is not present for, but these two actors put in fantastic work.
Later, Laura is getting ready for her date. She has a broken earring, so naturally, she asks Urkel to glue it back together with some Wacky Taffy. This, of course, is a terrible idea, since Steve’s mother has already gotten herself stuck to the tub. During the process of repairing the earring, Steve accidentally glues his hand to Laura’s shoulder. Was this his plan all along? Maybe. Laura, now panicking because Ted is due to arrive at any moment, tells the Urkman to use the solvent. Steve sheepishly tells her that it hasn’t been invented yet, which means two things: first, that Laura’s date with Ted is almost certainly doomed, and second, it means that Steve’s mother is definitely still in that bathtub. The doorbell rings, and instead of immediately coming clean with the situation when Ted walks through the door, Laura and Steve try to play it casual by pretending they’re just chilling on the couch together. Not sure why either one of them thought that might work, but Ted isn’t buying any of this, especially when Urkel tells him that Laura is grounded for killing a man. Laura tries to come clean, but since she’s already told him several lies, Ted thinks the truth also sounds phony. He storms out of the house, and Laura’s shoulders sag in disappointment.
Carl walks out to the driveway to see a pair of legs already under Eddie’s new car. He tells Eddie that he understand why he would get started without his father, since Carl himself couldn’t be more excited to work on the car. Unfortunately, the pair of legs doesn’t belong to Eddie, they belong to Waldo, who is moved by Carl’s excitement to work with him. The real Eddie joins them, and Carl tells him that he thought the two of them were going to do this together. Eddie tells his father that they can do that another time, but he thought it would be fun to do it with Waldo. Carl walks away glumly. Harriette, who was gardening and witnessed this whole exchange, comes over and asks Waldo if she can have a word with Eddie in private. Waldo obliges. Once Waldo is kind of out of earshot, Harriette admonishes Eddie. She informs her son that Carl was excited to spend time with Eddie that he barely slept a wink. I have to hand it to Harriette, she’s really patient with Eddo. This is at least the second time he’s had to learn this lesson.
Conclusion:
We flash forward six weeks, and damn, that car is looking good! In fact, I might go as far as to say that it’s looking fine. Eddie tells Carl that he knows this was expensive, but that he wouldn’t have traded the experience of building the car with his father for the world. Carl chokes up at this, but to save face, he tells Eddie that he shouldn’t keep the ladies waiting for a ride with the “E-Man.” Am I going to call Eddie the E-Man from time to time now?
(Family Matters)
Eddie comes back from his raid on Castle Greyskull long enough to explain to his father that the girls can wait, because he’s got to go pick up his best friend. He drives about six inches, opens the door, and says, “Get in, Dad.” Now it’s my turn to get choked up. They got me, gang. It’s corny as hell, but they got me.
Tag:
Whoa, the episode isn’t over? But we’ve already had our emotional resolution! I know Family Matters has had tags before, but for my money, this is the first true tag, because you could have completely deleted this scene and we wouldn’t have been denied a satisfying conclusion. Laura is in the kitchen looking very pretty, which an entering Urkel informs her of. She tells him that she is going on a date with Ted, and that she has a plan to keep Steve out of her business for the evening. When the Urkster scoffs at this, she tells him that she’ll explain everything to him if he gets her a soda. This plan is so elegant in its simplicity. She knows that her neighbor is such a pandering simp that he won’t be able to resist any task she sets in front of him. Steve opens the fridge and gets said soda, but is unable to proceed from there, because he is now stuck to the handle of the fridge. Laura has used his own invention against him, and because he has yet to invent a solvent, the Wacky Tacky will keep Urkel from meddling in Laura’s date. She leaves, and Urkel is stuck in the kitchen, impressed with her ingenuity despite himself. The episode ends with Ted taking Laura’s virginity in the back room at Rachel’s Place. Obviously, that’s a lie, but I needed to make sure that you were paying attention. The episode actually ends with Steve searching for light and finding it in the refrigerator. He also finds some cheese.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 4.3, “Driving Carl Crazy,” a seminal episode in the Donohue household. But for now, let’s talk about the title of this episode, “Dance to the Music.” This tells me that the most important part of the episode was Carl dancing while making a sandwich. Hard to argue with that. See you soon.
