Only Urkel Matters, Episode 4.1: My Name is Gladiator
“Surely You Joust”
Original Air Date: September 18, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkel wrote a short story in which he had Laura choose going to prison over being with him. I guess we all try to write our truth.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Steve comes barreling into Rachel’s Place wearing knee pads and a helmet. Laura, who desn’t fucking need this today, tells him that he’s late for his shift. The Urkman informs her that he is late because he was working on a way to be more efficient at his job. He has done so by making modifications to his skateboard:
(Family Matters)
It’s a scooter. Steve invented the motorized scooter. Alas, this brilliant invention does nothing for Steve at work, and he predictably and promptly crashes into a very angry looking man. I get his anger, that seems like a terrible thing to happen to you at a dining establishment, but you know that milkshake is going to be very free. The Urkster gives him a quick, “Did I do that?” and we cut to the opening credits.
Opening Credits:
As is my custom in the first episode of a season, I wrote down all of the changes made in the intros from season to season:
· They replaced Carl coming down the stairs with a shot of him coming in from a day on the streets and hanging his hat on a coatrack.
· They exchanged Harriette setting flowers down inside with a shot of her gardening outside. She’s in a business suit, so it seems like she is also coming home from work. You know, I’m starting to feel like they’re not giving JMP enough to do. She’s so talented, if you don’t count her ability to run. She’s much more than “a lady who likes flowers.”
· Estelle has gone from reading a magazine to swinging a tennis racket around, which makes much more sense for a woman who plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library, and thwarts robbers with the common snow shovel.
· Eddie has gone from simply wiping down his car to installing douchebag lights on it.
· Instead of working a shift at Rachel’s Place, Laura is now looking in the mirror to see if a dress will fit her properly. Laura has done a good deal of growing up since the previous season, and since I’m a classy motherflower, I’ll leave it at that.
· Judy (AKA dead man walking) has progressed from putting something in a dollhouse to studying on the couch.
· NLR has stopped dancing like MJ, and returned to riding a bike, this time with two wheels instead of there. I’d love it if every other season he lost a wheel. Unicycle in season six, walking casually in season seven. By the way, we’re in season four now; is it time to stop calling him NLR, and just call him Ritchie? Not sure how much longer we should honor a baby’s stake to the character, and as we know, Bryton McClure eventually gets better. I’ll put a story poll up on the 7thEvan Facebook later this week.
· In the previous season, Urkel came after NLR, but now Waldo Geraldo Faldo is getting hit in the head with a basketball. I could have sworn that he had already been in the credits, but I couldn’t find any proof of this after going back and looking. Well, welcome to the main cast, you absolute stud! It’s a well-deserved promotion for Shawn Harrison,
· The Urkman is no longer playing accordion. Now, he’s desperately trying to get into the Winslow house while Carl, Harriette, Laura, and Eddie attempt to keep him out. When I think of the Family Matters theme song, that is the image that comes to my head. I’d love to know yours!
· Telma Hopkins is still just putting down menus, and she’s still super hot.
· I don’t know if it’s because they added Shawn Harrison to the credits, but they’ve also decided to remove the “smother the blues with ten-der-nessss” portion of the song, as well as the random clips like Carl and Harriette dancing and Waldo getting hit by Lowell. It’s interesting how some shows add time to the credits (e.g., Psych, Entourage) and some remove time (e.g., this show, New Girl). This shorter version is the one I would have sang to you if you asked me before I started writing this blog to sing the song off the top of my head.
The Story:
Carl and Eddie are on the roof of the Winslow house, trying to install a new satellite dish so they can watch “tonight’s World Bikini Contest,” which, of course, isn’t a thing these days, because we’re all supposed to pretend that fit girls aren’t attractive anymore and that Lizzo is the belle of the proverbial ball. Cancel me, daddy.
Downstairs, Hurricane Urkel comes through the front door and catches Laura as she tries to sneak away. Upon hearing him ask her, “where is everybody?” I knew that we have finally arrived at an inevitable problem that plagued Family Matters for the rest of its run: Jaleel White was eventually going to go through puberty, and he would not be able to do the Urkel voice the same way that caused him to become a star, Family Matters to become relevant, and Lee Norris to get the boot from Boy Meets World (I’m still a little hurt by the lack of Minkus in season two of BMW). The choice to make Jaleel White do his very best to continue to do this nasally voice as his became suave and debonair was really the only one they could have made, but it was one that got weirder and weirder by the year. Laura ducks his question, simply telling him that everyone is out. Then, as she is wont to do, Laura threatens violence to thwart off Steve’s sexual advances, and retreats when he is instead turned on by said threats.
We cut back up to the roof, where Eddie warns Carl to be careful with the wires. Carl tells his son not to worry, since the wires are not plugged in.
Family Matters wouldn’t be Family Matters if we didn’t cut back to the living room, where the Urkman realizes that there is a loose wire, and decides to plug it in, which no one would ever do. On the roof, Carl is electrocuted, using graphics that are the clear result of an Urkel related increase in budget:
I honestly thought that he might become a Power Ranger for a second. Would have been a heck of a crossover. (Family Matters)
Eddie tries to save his father by grabbing him, but that’s not how electricity works, so he gets shocked as well. Carl is able to separate his hands, and they both recover slowly from what I can only assume is an incredibly painful ordeal. Carl and Eddie look each other in the eye, and as they slowly shift from shock (teehee) to anger, they both exclaim, “Steve!”
Later, the Winslow ladies (Judy isn’t there, do I even need to say this anymore?) are in the living room. Waldo comes in with a determined look in his eye, and he heads straight for the chimney, where he explains that the TV is “real dark.” Of course, it isn’t on. Harriette turns it on, and begins flipping through the channels. Waldo reports to Carl that the channels won’t stop changing. This is just the same bad joke twice. Do you know how hard you have to try to keep me from laughing at Waldo Geraldo Faldo? It’s nearly impossible. Harriette has settled on a channel featuring American Gladiators. This show was the jam in the nineties. It’s similar to what American Ninja Warrior is today, in that if you stumble across it while drinking, you’re flat-out not changing the channel. Waldo and Estelle explain the premise to Harriette while Rachel runs it down. I’m not really sure why she hates it. I recently praised the writers for their ability to explain things to the audience while still creating compelling content, but this scene did not do that. It was just kind of boring, and that word should not be used to describe a scene with Estelle and Waldo in it. The only thing you really need to know is that Waldo has a cousin who is loosely affiliated with American Gladiators.
We return to the roof, where the Urkmeister has joined the Winslow men, much to their displeasure. Urkel takes a turn getting electrocuted, and then tells Carl that he should have used masonry screws instead of wooden ones. Carl balks at this, and tells him that wood screws will work just fine. I know the kid is annoying, and extremely clumsy, but he’s also built a goddam robot and a mother-flipping jet pack. He knows his way around building things. Steve insists that he’s right, and Carl has had it:
(Family Matters)
“Get off this roof, get off this roof, get off this roof” is classic Carl Winslow, and RVJ nails this line reading, as usual. Steve tries to leave, and naturally begins to slide off the roof. He grabs at Eddie, who in turn grabs Carl. Carl saves them all by grabbing onto the antenna, but as the Urkman predicted, it can’t hold their weight. They all fall to the ground, and Steve says sarcastically, “wood screws are good enough.” He’s saying this to himself, though, because Carl and Eddie are dead.
Later, Carl and Eddie are returning from the hospital, supported at each side by a member of the family. Steve comes in a few moments later, annoyed that no one even offered to help him in. He demands an apology from Carl, who rightfully balks at this suggestion. Carl points out all of the annoying things that Urkel has done that day, which is a long list that somehow does not include the sentence “also, you electrocuted us.” Carl tells Steve to go home, which Urkel is only too happy to do, until Carl insists that he never come back. Steve has the balls to tell a grown man in his own home “I’ll come over here any time I want to, and you can’t stop me.” This legitimately pissed me off, until I remembered that Steve did win a bet that stipulated that he could come over anytime he wants. But then, I remembered that Carl actually won this bet, and was kind enough to pretend that Captain Urk had won, and I got mad again. I would have lost my mind if this teenage shrimp had the gumption to say this to me in the house that I owned. Carl obviously agrees, as he finally loses his cool, and the whole family has to hold him back. Steve tells him to bring it, and the two of them may have come to blows if it wasn’t for the voice of reason, Waldo Geraldo Faldo:
(Family Matters)
We come back to the action, where the American Gladiator hosts, Larry Csonka and Mike Adamle, interview “Bone Crusher” (Carl) and Hurricane (Steve). It’s a nice touch to have Steve choose to revel in the “Hurricane Urkel” moniker instead of shying away from it. I don’t have any prior experience with Csonka, but if you’re a big wrestling guy like I am, you might recognize Adamle for his time as the worst GM in Monday Night RAW history. I had planned on posting a link to some of his bigger gaffes in that capacity, but sadly when I researched him I found out that a lot of his troubles were due to CTE. He’s taken those problems and done something super positive with them, as you can see in this video. Anyway, we learn that Carl and Steve have made a bet. If Carl wins the competition, Steve can never come to the Winslow house again. But if the Urkman wins, Carl must apologize.
The first event is the joust, in which the contestants get ten points if they can knock their opponents off a pedestal. Bit on the nose, if you ask me. I was surprised to see that Carl and Steve do not go head-to-head in every event (I have almost no recollection of how American Gladiators worked). Steve goes one-on-one with a guy named “Turbo.” Waldo asks Steve where his glasses are, and the Urkman informs him that he’s wearing contacts. True to form, Waldo tells him that he doesn’t care who Steve knows, he just wants to know where his glasses are. Good, he’s back at Peak Faldo. I was worried for a second. I’d climb to the top of Peak Faldo, but I’m pretty sure Maxine is the only one allowed to climb that mountain. Kind of a spoiler, but you don’t think of that joke and not write it! Urkel swings his pugil stick with all his might, but Turbo no-sells it like Hogan in his prime. Steve immediately shifts to a Viper vs The Mountain strategy, but ducking and dodging only works for so long before he is unceremoniously knocked off his pedestal. Laura rushes to his side, and tells El Urkelrino to quit before he gets hurt. Steve takes this as a sign that he should keep going as long as he can, for some reason.
Carl too must face Turbo, but Turbo gets a little too big for his britches and does the “too slow” handshake bit:
(Family Matters)
He must’ve gotten cocky after obliterating a ninety-pound teenager. Carl is a grown-ass man, though, and after taking a couple of hits he unseats Turbo to gain a ten-point lead in the competition. Harriette never read a book on sportsmanship, and she rushes into the arena to get a few cheap shots in on poor Turbo. Screw Ric Flair, Harriette is the dirtiest player in the game. There, pretty sure that reaches my “wrestling reference” quota for one blog. Not sure why the American Gladiator security team is just letting anyone run down from the stands, but I don’t know what their protocols are. Turbo goes down like a ton of bricks. What was in that handbag, gold bars?
The next event is The Wall. The two contestants get a short head start, and then two gladiators follow them up the wall and try to bring them down. You get ten points if you can climb the wall before getting pulled off. Carl is caught almost immediately, but the Urkman gets a little further. He’s almost to the top, but the gladiator (Saber) catches up and grabs his foot. Urkel pulls off a classic “made you look” ruse, and kicks poor Saber down the wall. He makes it to the top and earns his ten points. Heading into the final event, Urkel and Carl are tied.
The concluding event is “The Eliminator,” which is a smorgasbord of activities designed to test every level of the contestants’ athleticism. Fortunately, this graphic lists all of the tasks, so I don’t have to:
(Family Matters)
Conclusion:
If you haven’t seen this episode, I highly suggest you check out the ending at the very least. It’s a very entertaining race, with Steve and Carl both excelling at their strong events and struggling with their weakest. It comes down to the gauntlet, which they both valiantly struggle through, and it’s so close that the result is a photo finish:
(Family Matters)
When the two contestants are informed that they have tied (the first in American Gladiator history), they are intrigued for a second, until Adamle tells them that they’ll have to run through The Eliminator again to decide a winner. The prospect of going through this ordeal a second time causes Carl and Steve to rethink their feud. They talk why they were hurt by each other’s actions, and they make up, even though they already knew what the other person’s beef with them was. Additionally, no one apologizes. Urkel, to his credit, tells Carl that he loves him. Carl can’t muster the strength to return the love, but he does tell Steve that he admires his persistence. They hug, and the episode ends. What an unsatisfying ending for the American Gladiator audience.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 4.2, “Dance to the Music.”
