Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.25: Detective Pikachurkel
“Farewell, My Laura”
Original Air Date: May 8, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkel went on a dating show to make Laura jealous, won, spit in the face of an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii with a beautiful coed, and got rejected once again by his lady love. Just a cornucopia of bad decisions.
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(Family Matters)
The Story:
Laura and Rachel are closing down Rachel’s Place when Laura finds what appears to be a screenplay left on one of her tables. It’s a short story called “Farewell, My Laura,” by Steven Q. Urkel. Apparently, Steve has been very mysterious about said story, and it’s driven Laura crazy enough that she and Rachel start to read it. Finally, the Urkman has done something right; by being mysterious, he has piqued Laura’s interest. He should apply this logic to his endeavor to win her heart. We hear Steve’s voice begin to read his story, and then fade into a detective spoof using flashback blur.
The Urkman is sitting at a desk, feet propped up. He’s wearing a detective’s hat, which he throws towards a coatrack by the door. He misses, and we see a pile of hats, implying both that he’s been trying this for a while and that he has a never ending supply of hats. Okay, Family Matters, you’ve got my attention. Urkel’s voiceover, which is accompanied by generic saxophone detective music, tells us that this is an ordinary Tuesday (sandwiched between a Wednesday and a Thursday, as Voice Over Steve points out) in 1946. Maxine is in the corner, and we find out that she’s the one playing the saxophone. Urkel introduces himself as Johnny Danger, which is exactly the right name. They’re cramming as much silly shit into one scene as possible, which, as you know, is the key to my heart. Drums are heard in the background, and a silhouette of Laura appears in the glass at the door. Laura walks into the room and seats herself in front of Maxine’s desk, which is about three feet away from Johnny Danger’s. She tells Max that she’s here to see Johnny, and Maxine and Johnny go through the motions of using the intercom, even though everyone in the office can plainly see each other. This is actual comedy, gang. Believe it or not, I’ve laughed out loud several times, and I almost never do anymore at this point in the recaps. I’m genuinely excited to be writing this for you. Danger tells Max to show Laura (whose last name is Wigglesworth in this story) in, and Laura walks the three feet over to Johnny’s desk. While she walks, the drum plays again, and Johnny Danger bobs his head to the beat, breaking the fourth wall and showing us that he can hear it too. Danger gets a good look at Laura, and falls backwards in his chair, finally replacing Vince McMahon Chair as my go-to “sexual arousal” gif:
Is anyone as good at the “trying to look like nothing happened after falling” gimmick as Jaleel White? Maybe Zach Braff, but I can’t think of many others. (Family Matters)
This comes not a moment too soon, as well. Vince McMahon’s horniness isn’t really a good look these days. Anyway, Laura tells Johnny Danger that someone is trying to kill her aunt, Rachel Crawfish. I have no idea who the murderer is at this point, but I’m guessing it’s not Judy, since she’s destined to be a murder victim herself. I’m going to guess Waldo. Danger agrees to help, and the two flirt a bit. I enjoyed this, but I didn’t enjoy the bet the two of them placed on the ’46 series, since I know how that is going to go for my beloved Red Sox. Laura leaves, and Johnny Danger wonders to himself where she is hiding the drums.
Later, Johnny Danger walks into Rachel’s Place, which is slightly different in the forties. Rachel herself hasn’t changed much; she’s still doing everything for attention’s sake. In this particular scene, she’s finishing a love ballad. When she’s done, she walks over to Danger, who has been chatting up Laura Wigglesworth. He tells them to go about their business as usual while he cases the place. He then takes turns meeting the Winslows’ 1940’s counterparts: Harriette is a bitter middle-aged woman, jealous of her sister’s success. Eddie is a sleazy gambling type. Finally, Danger meets Carl (who is named Officer Wigglesworth in this detective spoof). They have a brief stare-down (Reginald VelJohnson and Jaleel White having a ton of fun working together, as usual), and then Danger hears drums again, signifying the approach of Laura Wigglesworth. What he doesn’t notice (and what I didn’t notice until the third time I watched this scene) is LT Murtaugh reading the paper in the background. If this is the only time we see him, that’s fantastic. Laura hands Johnny a glass of what appears to be orange juice. I can’t be certain, maybe it’s implied that this is a mixed drink of some kind. They chat about whistling for a moment (during which Johnny spits in her face; she shrugs it off, what a trooper), and she walks away once again to the beat of a drum. Johnny Danger’s heart is racing, which he attributes to his growing attraction to Laura, but soon the room begins to spin, and he falls to the floor as he realizes that he’s been “slipped a mickey.” A “mickey” is an old-fashioned term for a roofie, for those of you who didn’t know.
When the Urkman, er, Dangerman comes to, he’s got a splitting headache. He looks up and sees Rachel sitting alone at a table. He asks her how long he’s been out, but she doesn’t respond. Danger puts his hand on her shoulder, and she flops forward dead, with a knife sticking out of her back. Johnny doesn’t even get a second to process this, because all of a sudden:
NLR comes in dressed as a newsie, and hilariously hands Johnny Danger a newspaper with a very interesting headline:
(Family Matters)
Great headline kid, but remember, headlines don’t sell papes.
Conclusion:
Johnny Danger gathers the family (sadly, Murtaugh is there too; that would’ve been so funny), and accuses them one-by-one of killing Rachel Crawfish. Every time he accuses someone, thunder rolls, the lights flicker, and that person is murdered. The most notable of these accusations is “Chef Waldo,” who plays an extremely stereotypical Italian immigrant who has signed an equally offensive contract making him Chef at Rachel’s Place for life. After the last family member (Carl) is accused and subsequently murdered, Laura Wigglesworth is shown holding a gun. Apparently, she shot every person in the room during those brief thunder claps (except for Waldo, who was chased down by Bullet Bill). Since it’s my job to point out dumb shit, you should remember that Laura was the one who hired Johnny Danger in the first place. Happily, I can attribute this shitty writing to a fictional teenager nerd, instead of actual sitcom writers, as I usually have to do. Danger is able to wrestle the gun from her, and he gives her a choice: she can run off with him and live happily ever after, or she can go to jail. Her answer, to Urkel’s credit, is true to Laura Winslow’s character:
(Family Matters)
Laura Wigglesworth is dragged off (literally, I might add, what a hilarious choice it was to have her go dead weight) to jail, and Steve’s story ends. He appears behind Rachel and Laura, and he asks them what they think of his story. They both tell him that they liked it, and they prepare to go home for the evening. After Rachel exits singing the song her 1940’s counterpart had performed, Laura asks Steve why he didn’t write an ending where they ended up together. The Urkman tells her that he’s saving that ending for real life and shoots her a finger gun, which is honestly baller as fuck. That ends the episode, and season three.
Thanks for sticking with me this long, gang. It means the world to me, especially since you had to wait a full year and a half for me to come back from my hiatus. Join me next time, as I break down season four of Family Matters!
