Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.24: Mott the Hoople
“Dudes”
Original Air Date: May 1, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkelbot returned, but this time as a cop, and then almost immediately afterwards as a dancer. Hey, I’m not here to judge. Robots can identify as anything they want as far as I’m concerned.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie and Waldo are watching “Dudes,” a type of dating show that we used to watch in the nineties before “Temptation Island” came out and producers realized that these types of shows were way better if there was a chance that adultery would occur. They weren’t wrong, but I kind of miss how they used to be: one guy/girl would have a chance to ask 3+ girls questions and ultimately decide which one they wanted to hook up with. Laura comes in and expresses how disgusting she finds it all, which Eddie dismisses off-hand. They repeat the process when the Urkman comes in and he too is disgusted by the show. An announcement is made on “Dudes” that the next week is Teens Week on the show, and that they would be holding open tryouts. Eddie and Waldo sprint for the door, with Eddie slamming it in Waldo’s face, leading to this classic Waldo Geraldo Faldo moment:
(Family Matters)
Once alone, Urkel condemns their actions as debaucherous, and then immediately makes a move on Laura, who sees through this charade and elbows him hard, causing Steve to buckle in pain.
The Story:
Later that day, Eddie and Waldo are sitting at the kitchen when Urkel comes in. They inform him that they were successful in their endeavor to be on “Dudes.” For some reason, Eddie tries to tempt Steve into doing the same. I’m not sure what he’s getting out of this. Perhaps he’s hoping he’ll look better in comparison if Steve comes along? And how can he be so sure that Urkel will get a spot? Were he and Waldo the only ones who showed up to the tryout? Eddie tries to pretend that if Steve goes on the show and flirts with attractive women that Laura will go into a jealous rage and agree to go out with him. Steve ponders this as we head into another scene.
Carl is on the living room couch with NLR and believe it or not, Judy. Laura enters and tells them that she’s very much going to enjoy watching her brother embarrass himself on television. She runs off to make some popcorn, and Carl takes the opportunity to hassle the youngest Winslows about what Harriette has planned for his birthday. They both tell him that Harriette does not have anything planned, so Carl tries to bribe Ritchie, the easier target. NLR eagerly takes Carl’s money, but gives him no more information regarding the celebration of his birth. I do think that this is leading to a surprise party, but if so, Carl is going to want his money back. What use is an informant if they are lying to you? The rest of the Winslow women file in and they take their seats just as “Dudes” is about to begin. As it turns out, Dudes is not a show where one contestant gets to choose from three potential suitors. Rather, there are three women and three men on the show at once. I’m not really sure what the rules are, but if I had to guess (and I do, because that’s kind of the point of this blog), I’d say that after they interview each other for a bit, each person would choose a member of the opposite sex to go on a date with, and if they choose you too, you get to hookup. We’ll see if I’m on the right track here. We get introduced to the three women, and they are indeed gorgeous and far too good for any of our three knuckleheads. Eddie is the first of the men to be introduced, and, true to form, he has lied about his hobbies so the girls will be impressed with him. I am confident that this will not work. Waldo and Steve are actually honest about their likes and dislikes (Waldo enjoys playing songs with his armpits, Urkel likes bugs, cheese, and synchronized bowling). It’s Steve I want to focus on here, and not because he does yet another spectacular pratfall, but because he has a new hair style that is so ridiculous, it’s basically a plot point:
(Family Matters)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ponytailed man on a dating show before, and I’m eager to see how it will go. I mean, it’s definitely fake, so it will probably just fall off, but I’m hoping for something even sillier.
After Laura makes fun of Dudes for being a dating show that would stoop so low as to have Urkel on it (a fair assessment, by the way), she and Harriette head off to the kitchen to get more food for the family. It’s been like thirty seconds, how is it all gone? I’m looking at you, birthday boy. Speaking of birthdays, Carl takes advantage of Harriette’s absence by probing Rachel for information about Harriette’s plans for him. Like Ritchie before her, Rachel insists that Harriette has nothing planned. This will never happen, but I’m begging for this to be true. No resolution, just no party. Zoom in on Carl’s disappointed face, roll credits. I suppose this is why I could never write on a family sitcom. Harriette and Laura return just in time to hear the game’s rules, which are: the dude who gets the most kisses wins. Great, I feel like I could play it on my own. I’m just being sassy though, I enjoy that they realized that this wouldn’t be a tough game to pick up as you go along, and they trusted the viewer to not be a moron. How the game works is that each woman writes down how they felt about their date with each of the men (the dates have already happened, apparently), and if the “dude” correctly guesses which girl wrote what statement about them, they get a “kiss,” which is essentially one point. The girls write mostly flattering things about Eddie, except for one of them, who wrote that he had a massive ego (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT). I wish we could have found out which one of them wrote that, because she’d have earned my respect forever. Eddie correctly guesses which girl called him a hunk, and the game host asks the lass what made her write that about Eddo. Up until this point, I did not remember this episode, but as soon as she said, “He sang to me,” I knew exactly what song it was:
(Family Matters)
I get asked a lot why I write about this show, and the person asking usually assumes that I just have a weird love for it. That’s kind of true, but I don’t necessarily love the show itself; I love random moments that I latched onto as a kid that buried themselves in my subconscious. This is one of those moments. It’s not a good song, it’s not a funny moment, but it’s something I’ll randomly sing to myself from time to time, and certainly I’ll being singing it more often in the days to come. For his correct answer, Eddie gets a kiss. Waldo too gets a kiss, because he’s able to pick out which girl he didn’t actually go out with. Unfortunately for my man Waldo Geraldo Faldo (he deserves more respect than an abbreviation), he wrote down the directions to the girl’s house on the inside of a payphone (look it up, youths) and “the darn thing kept falling out of (his) car.” Since Waldo just confessed to destruction of private property on television, somebody please write some fan-fiction about the misadventures of Waldo in prison. The Urkman also gets a kiss, because one of the girls wrote that Steve gave her the ride of her life. Urkel immediately knows which girl it was, because he took her for a ride on his “neato Schwinn” and let her ride his sissy bar. Urkel is coming in hot with the innuendo.
We fast forward to the end of “Dudes,” where it is announced that the grand prize for the winners of the game are getting a week-long stay in Hawaii. Who in the hell thought it was a good idea to give two teen coeds an all-expenses-paid trip together? You’re basically begging for teen pregnancy (which will then be mocked by Mother Winslow). The final round of the game works as such: the boys choose which girl they’d like to take to Hawaii, and if that girl chooses him as well, they are the winners of the game. Eddie and Waldo both choose incorrectly, so it comes down to Steve. He chooses the girl who got the wild ride, and wouldn’t you know it, she chose him too! Celebratory music and balloons ensue, and the girl rushes to hug the Urkman. Urkel, however, immediately stops the proceedings. He walks towards the camera and tells the world that he can’t go anywhere with any girl that’s not Laura. His fellow victor begs him to reconsider until after they get back from Hawaii, but Steve can’t be reasoned with. He’s in love with Laura Winslow, and he wants to the world to know. He gets even closer to the camera, and it’s at this point that I notice that his ponytail is literally attached to his hat. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Evan, how could you possibly not have noticed that?” Well, I’m a little embarrassed, but I’m also not infallible. It’s good for you to see a vulnerable side of me. Urkel continues to profess his love, culminating in yet another Family Matters moment that lives rent-free in my head:
(Family Matters)
It’s really interesting to me that I forgot the plot of this episode, but it was clearly a seminal one in my viewership.
Later, Laura is sitting at the kitchen table, angrily flipping through a magazine. The door opens, and as he promised, the Urkman has come home to her. Laura lambasts him for embarrassing her on television, and asks him why he would go on such a misogynistic show. Urkel reveals that he did so to inspire jealousy in her, and Laura tells him that she’ll never feel that way about him. Steve tells her that she will, and instead of calling the police to have this stalking nerd removed from her household, Laura tells him that he has a long time to wait. Why give him hope? Methinks she enjoys the attention a smidge.
Conclusion:
It’s late in the evening, and Harriette walks into the living room with a cupcake. On that cupcake is a lone candle. She yells upstairs for Carl to come down, and he does so, but he’s super mopey. She tells him to blow out the candle, and he complies, but he is still down in the dumps. Harriette asks him what’s wrong, and he admits to her that when he told her to not make a big deal oput of his birthday, what he really meant that he would have liked her to make a big deal out of his birthday. Harriette gives him a knowing smile, and flips a lightswitch. The family pops out from various hiding places, and, as Carl realizes that his wife knew what he wanted all along, they sing the Happy Birthday song to him as the episode ends. Not an inexpensive ending either. According to ABC News, it can cost anywhere between $500 and $3000 to use that song on a TV show.
Join me next time, when I break down the season three finale, “Farewell My Laura.”
