Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.23: Robo-Nerd II, Electric Boogaloo
“Robo-Nerd II”
Original Air Date: April 24, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkel’s parents abandoned him yet again, so Harriette invited him to stay at the Winslows’. He immediately screwed up their lives, but not really.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie and my main man Waldo Geraldo Faldo are in the living room, getting ready to go to a rap festival. They are both hyped as hell for the event, but they each have a concern. Waldo’s worried that all the performers will attempt to rap at the same time, and he won’t be able to hear any of them. After Eddie assures him that this will not be the case, he shares his concern, which is that the girls at the concert won’t be able to hear his impotent pick-up lines over the noise emanating from the speakers. Luckily for Eddie, Waldo was prepared for this scenario:
(Family Matters)
Waldo uses the pickup line, “are those real?,” adopting the now-popular “negging” strategy, insulting a woman until her confidence is so low that she might actually consider sleeping with him. We never see the results, but I hope Waldo somehow overcame the odds, and actually got some action after screaming insults at women over a bullhorn. I don’t necessarily condone the tactic, but I just want good things for my favorite lovable buffoon.
The Story:
The front door opens, and Carl and LT Murtaugh stroll in. It should be noted that in a show filled with dumb nineties fashion, Murtaugh’s hair withstands the test of time. If my hair looked like his right now I’d be thrilled. Murtaugh complains to Carl that some other lieutenant got a promotion that he feels he deserved. In order to kiss his boss’ ass, Carl makes fun of the newly promoted captain for working with inner city kids and generally being a good fuckin’ dude. The Urkman glides in, and he looks like he’s ready to get back in that hot air balloon:
(Family Matters)
Murtaugh also notices that Steve is dressed like a steampunk nerd, and he insults him. The Urkster, ever quick-witted, immediately shoots back with a barb about Murtaugh’s flat feet. Steve is excited, because while working on retooling the Urkel-Bot, an idea (and the robot) struck him: Urkelbot’s function should be to be a Chicago P.D. officer. Carl ridicules this idea, but Murtaugh is intrigued. He thinks that a police force chalk-full of robots is just what he needs to earn himself that promotion.
The Winslow ladies sans Laura (and obviously sans Judy, because of course) are in the kitchen, and they’re arguing about…something, I don’t know. I watched it four times and I couldn’t decipher it. Laura comes in, and she crows to them about a money-making opportunity that she’s discovered. If she sends a makeup company $400, that company will send her $800 worth of beauty products. If her family will provide her the money, Laura will do the work of selling the product, and “everyone wins.” This is an obvious scam, but that’s not what bothers Harriette and Rachel about the situation. Money is tight, and the two sisters are hesitant to give their hard-earned cash to a sixteen-year-old girl, no matter how much of a go-getter she is. Estelle, ever the optimist, convinces them to invest in her grand-daughter, and also persuades them to cover her share as well. It seems odd to me that four intelligent women (three of whom are adults and one of whom lived through the Great Depression) can’t figure out that they’re basically setting their money on fire, but then again, every time I go to the store to grab a Red Bull I end up waiting in line while some poor soul picks out forty dollars’ worth of one dollar scratchies like they know exactly which ones produce big money, so I guess it’s not all that unrealistic.
Later, in the living room, Urkel is busy putting the finishing touches on Urkelcop. He’s obviously worked incredibly hard on it, because Urkelbot has been painstakingly redesigned to be the best police officer that he can be. He has a…new hat. That’s pretty much it. Steve activates Urkelcop by placing what he calls “an official police badge” on the robot’s chest. Neither Carl nor Murtaugh have a problem with this. Urkelcop springs to life, and once again, his movements are fantastic. Urkelcop, like Urkelbot before him (the distinction is an important one; remember, he has a hat now), is again played by the fantastic Michael Chambers, who made a career out of dancing like a robot in Hollywood. I’d love to interview the man, I bet he has some fantastic stories. Murtaugh is delighted by Urkelcop’s abilities (which include being able to recite police regulations verbatim and regurgitating quotes from famous gunslingers), but Carl is not as easily impressed. He wonders what will happen when Urkelcop needs to get rough out here in these streets. Urkelcop responds by using karate to annihilate Carl’s coatrack, proudly representing the Urkel brand of destroying the Winslow’s home. Far from being mad about the obliteration of yet another of his earthly possessions, Carl is impressed by Urkelcop’s strength, and accepts him as his new partner. Urkelcop celebrates this news by saluting his new comrades, which LT Murtaugh eagerly (and hilariously) returns:
(Family Matters)
The Winslow ladies come in from a baby shower and make cracks about how the expectant mother had her baby shower before her wedding one, hilariously shaming teen mothers everywhere. The beauty products have arrived, and they each take turns smelling the shampoos. Rachel remarks that she “can’t wait to see how (her) hair comes out.”
The next morning, Estelle, Harriette, and Laura come into the living room, and they are skin bald. Of course the joke is that Rachel’s comment about her hair can be taken literally, and sure, it’s a bit of an easy joke, but if you have a problem with it, just keep your mouth shut about it. I mean it, gang, keep my favorite sitcom family’s name out yo fuckin’ mouth!
The whole family has gathered around the hairless Winslow dames, and they wonder what happened. Laura calls the shampoo company’s hotline number, but their phone has been disconnected. Carl explains to her that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. The Winslow men (including that trick-ass bitch NLR) all make bald jokes, but none of them are worth writing home about. Let’s get back to some Urkel!
Carl, Steve, and Urkelcop have posted up at a convenience store that Urkelcop has deduced to have the best odds of being the next in the chain of robberies. Carl is posing as the night manager of the store, and for some reason he has decided to use a racially insensitive accent to perform this duty:
(Family Matters)
Rather than rebuff his neighbor and father figure for his borderline racist actions, Steve commends him for it. Carl tells the Urkman that since Urkelcop is all set up, he can go on home. Unfortunately, the man who has been committing the robberies chooses that time to arrive. He waves a gun in Carl and Steve’s face, instructing Carl to give him all the money in the register and for the Urkel to grab him a slushie. I guess he was too thirsty to wait for July 11 (sorry, I’m writing this on free slurpy day). While Urkel and Carl do what the gunmen says, Urkelcop sneaks up behind him and prepares to arrest him. The gunmen attempts to shoot Urkelcop, but he is a robot and is simply unaffected. With Urkelcop’s help, Carl arrests the gunmen. Now that the robber is unarmed, Steve mocks him. Urkel loves making enemies of violent people.
Conclusion:
In the kitchen, Carl fills the family in on his apprehension of the convenience store robber, and they’re super pumped. Harriette wants Urkelcop to track down the con artists that ruined their hair, but Urkel tells him that Urkelcop has given up policework to become a dancer. I suppose that just makes him Urkelbot again. My biggest problem with this is that the robot has become sentient and started making its own decisions. Is the name Skynet ringing any bells? Urkel didn’t want the robot to have to dance on its own, so he built it a dancing partner in Laura’s likeness. The family goes into the living room, where Urkelbot and Laurabot (I can’t believe that I just added “Laurabot” to my Microsoft Word dictionary) have a brief conversation. Laurabot speaks in Laura’s voice, but she had nothing to do with its creation, so this means that Steve had to use nefarious means to make that happen. Everyone ignores this, and the episode ends as the Winslows dance along with the robots:
(Family Matters)
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 24, “Dudes,” which I assume is about Cody Lambert.
