Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.22: The Brief and Tragic Life of Spike Murtaugh
“The Urkel Who Came to Dinner”
Original Air Date: April 3, 1992
Previously on OUM: I mean, who knows, right? It was like a year ago. But I vaguely recall Waldo trying to bang Laura. If only I had a pocket computer that I could use to look this up.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl, Eddie, and Laura are in the living room. Carl’s feeding a fish, but Laura wants to do it. Carl balks at her request, telling her that it’s LT Murtaugh’s, and that he’s fishy-sitting while his commander is in Vegas looking for the future Mrs. Murtaugh. Gee, I wonder what will become of this fish? Laura makes a crack about how Murtaugh might be in Vegas for a long time. What the hell does she know about love? She dates the same type of douchebag fuckboy every three episodes. All that changes is the name of the suitor. Just then, Harriette and Rachel burst through the kitchen door, excitement etched clearly on their faces. They announce to the family that it looks like the Urkels are going on vacation, and they dance a happy dance that Laura fucking loves. Eddie rushes to the window and confirms this happy news, and everyone in the family celebrates as the Urkels drive away. Unfortunately for them, their celebration is short-lived:
(Family Matters)
The Story:
Laura, now completely off her brief high and headed straight for depression city, asks the Urkman why he isn’t going on vacation with his parents. Steve responds by telling her that his parents have left on separate second honeymoons. Carl wonders why any married couple would want to honeymoon apart from each other, and Urkel informs him that his folks desperately want to avoid the mistake that they made on their fist honeymoon, a mistake that turns out to be Steve himself. Laura, still clinging on to one last shred of hope to be Urkel-free for fourteen days, asks the Urkster if he’s spending the length of his parent’s absence with a relative, but Steve immediately dashes Laura’s dreams by telling her that he’ll be living the bachelor life directly across the street. He then boldly invites her over for some romantic alone time right in front of Laura’s parents, aunt, and brother. The balls on this kid. They must be bigger than he is. Harriette wonders how any parents would leave a boy home alone by himself (how many examples does she need to know that Steve’s parents are pieces of shit?), and the Urkman balks:
(Family Matters)
Despite Steve’s assertion that he’s manly enough to be alone, Harriette insists that he stay with the Winslows until his parents return. Everyone else in the room is…not happy.
From that scene, we jump into a classic:
(Family Matters)
Okay, so Jaleel White crushes this, gang. Not only is he singing a hilarious blues song, but he sings it as Urkel, and he does so spectacularly. I wonder how many takes it took him to pull this off. If it was any less than ten, it’s legendary. This is also a quintessential “Carl is frustrated with Steve” moment. “I came down to sing backup” is such a fire line. Anyway, the purpose of this scene is to make sure you know that Urkel knows whose fish is currently in the Winslow’s home, and they could have mailed it in. I give the writers a lot of flack for laziness, but this was so creative and inspired, and it’s one of those times when I’m reminded why I loved this show in the first place. Also, “Spike” is a dumb name for a fish, that’s so Murtaugh (it’s a future I can see).
The next morning, Steve has gotten up early so that he can make omelets for the whole family. They’re thrilled, until he tells them that the omelets are made of liver and head cheese. Carl does a spit take for some reason, and they all run upstairs. Only the Urkmeister and NLR remain to eat breakfast, but Ritchie tells Steve that he’s not hungry because he’s being bullied at school. I guess the school bully doesn’t like mullets and Michael Jackson impressions. I think I’m on Team Bully. Anyway, Urkel tells NLR that getting beat up feels really bad, but being afraid all of the time feels even worse. Makes sense to me, and it seems to make sense to NLR as well, as he nods thoughtfully.
Later that day, Steve is vacuuming in the living room. The doorbell rings, and Steve puts the vacuum down next to the fish tank so he can go answer the door. Surprisingly, he remembers to turn it off, but I believe this is what those in the biz call “foreshadowing.” And that, dear reader, is likely the closest this blog will ever come to breaking down symbolism. It’s not really my forte. I’m much better at writing things like, “Hey, Urkel is singing a song, that’s pretty funny, right guys?” Anyway, I like that they show you that this could be something Urkel might do wrong. Steve answers the door, and would you look at that? Laura has yet another cookie-cutter suiter. Maybe you shouldn’t be throwing rocks at LT Murtaugh while he’s standing in your glass house. Urkel lets this new douchebag (whose name is Mark) in, and tells him that Laura will be home shortly. Mark immediately realizes that he is talking to Steve Urkel, because there is a “Kick Me” sign on the Urkman’s back. This isn’t funny, until Steve reveals that he’s being picked on by teachers, not students. Nice touch. Urkel doesn’t trust Mark (and let’s be honest, with Laura’s history, he shouldn’t, not that it’s his business to do anything about it; is every teenager in this show toxic except for Waldo?) and he asks him to prove himself worthy by peeing in a cup so Steve can screen it for drugs. Mark balks at this, obviously, but he decides to leave immediately, like denying Urkel’s request will suddenly mean that Laura is no longer interested in him. NLR comes in through the door sporting a shiner, and bragging about how he gave the bully a stiff left hook. Steve gives him a high five, but when Rachel comes in, the mood drastically changes. She sends Ritchie up to his room, and then explains to Urkel that NLR has been kicked out of pre-school. She blames the Urkster, who is so distraught that he unleashes a classic Urkel “Oops” face:
(Family Matters)
Later, The Urkman, now completely racked with guilt, has resumed vacuuming, when an angry Laura storms through the door. She has figured out Urkel’s involvement in the destruction of her study date, and she reprimands Steve before storming upstairs. Urkel is now even more glum, and he mutters, “Why can’t I do anything right?” Obviously, this is when he accidentally sucks up Murtaugh’s fish with the vacuum. He tries to get suck it out, but he ends up accidentally swallowing the fish when Carl comes in unexpectedly and smacks him on the back. I know you’d probably expect me to post a video of this, but honestly, I found none of this amusing. I can’t really explain why. Maybe I feel like it’s pet abuse? That honestly doesn’t feel like the reason (*Shrugs*). Anyway, Carl finds out what happened, and he’s about to try to get Steve to regurgitate his commander’s beloved pet, but that’s when Murtaugh walks in, back early from his Vegas vacation. No one bothers to ask him if he found love, which was honestly my only concern. I just want my dude to find happiness. Murtaugh immediately asks about the fish, and after Carl briefly (and poorly) tries to cover up for Steve by telling Lieu that his fish had committed suicide, Urkel comes clean and tells him that he had accidentally sucked him into the vacuum. Murtaugh’s response is hilarious:
(Family Matters)
I feel like someone thought of that joke and that’s what this entire episode was premised on. Predictable, but good. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
The Conclusion:
The Winslows are all in the living room, complaining about Steve (except for Estelle, Eddie, and NLR, who I suppose really didn’t have any issues with him). Harriette hears all their complaints and finally acquiesces to their demand that Urkel leave immediately, but asks for a minute to figure out how to break the news to the Urkman. This turns out to be irrelevant, since Steve was downstairs cleaning the furnace and heard the whole conversation through the heating ducts. He tells them that he'll lead of his own accord, but NLR tells everyone to wait a gosh darn second. Apparently, he never told his mother that the reason he fought was because he was being bullied. He does so now, and Rachel softens towards Steve. Estelle is next to speak, and she tells Laura that she spotted her study date making out with a redhead at Make Out Point. What ever happened to make out points? I feel like we all used to universally agree that it was okay to hook up in public as long as it was on a hill. Does that still happen anywhere? Carl asks his mother why she was at Make Out Point, and Mother Winslow basically tells him to mind his own business, and then celebrates the fact that she’s getting some with her teenage grandson. Harriette points out that every mistake that Steve made had a silver lining, and they all agree. What was the silver lining to murdering the fish? Murtaugh should have met a girl in Vegas who was perfect except for one thing: she hates fish. Carl tells Urkel that the next time they ask him to stay, he should just stay, not try to do all their chores. Urkel agrees, and asks for a group hug. When the Winslows decline, Urkel shrugs it off, and suggests that they dance instead. For some reason, they do agree to that:
(Family Matters)
The thing that weirds me out is that no one turned on any music. Is this like all of the other background music, where we can hear it but no one on the show can? If so, they’re all dancing to nothing, which is weird as shit. Maybe this is actually more like the “Do the Urkel” episode, where Steve just has the power to make random music play despite absolutely no preparation. He didn’t even use Siri. This whole thing is weird, and it also ends the episode.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.23, “Robo-Nerd II.” Maybe this time it’ll only be like a six month break between blogs.
