Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.1
“The Mama Who Came to Dinner”
Original Air Date: September 22, 1989
Again, just a dreadful title for your pilot episode. If you’re going to mail it in, just call your first episode “Pilot” like everyone else does.
We open with the “Family Matters” theme song, which is delightful. It was written and sang by Jesse Frederick, whom I thought was a black man for thirty-one years. Nope, this is Jesse Frederick.
He honestly couldn’t be any whiter.
Despite his lack of pigmentation, Frederick is the John Lennon of television theme songs. He wrote not only the Family Matters theme, but the themes for Full House, Step-By-Step, and Perfect Strangers as well. This version of the theme song is a bit longer than the one that will be on later episodes is, but I suppose something has to get cut so that Urkel can have the time to clone Benjamin Franklin or whatever.
“I hope you honor this agreement that I never told you about!” (Photo Credit: IMDB)
Carl’s Story:
After the theme, we meet Carl Winslow, a proud, African-American police officer who is about to be emasculated for the first of ten thousand times on this show. The very first thing we hear after the credits is his wife, Harriet, yelling for Carl to hurry up, because his mother is going to be there any minute. Carl tries extremely hard to convince his wife that his mother can go live with one of his brothers instead of them. Harriet likes his mother (affectionally called “Mother Winslow” by the entire family) and ignores all of Carl’s warnings. Well, Mother Winslow comes into the house and immediately starts undermining Carl, telling him that she’s going to put him on a diet (Carl’s biggest fear). Carl is a simple man, and all he wants to do in life is eat donuts and help John McClane kill Hans Gruber. But Mother Winslow isn’t just here to change Carl’s diet. She’s also going to undercut his authority over his children, which leads us to…
Eddie’s Story:
When we meet Eddie, he’s been doing unsolicited chores all day. Since this is a sitcom in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s, Carl makes the contractually obligated, “Who are you, and what have you done with my son?” joke. Eddie reveals that there’s a party he wants to go to, and since it will go long after his curfew, he has been trying to butter his parents up by doing the chores. Carl says that he can’t go. Later, Mother Winslow asks him why Carl won’t let him go, and Eddie tells her about the curfew. He also explains that all that he and his friends were going to do was watch a Rambo Marathon, which starts at 9:30, half an hour before Carl wants him home. Mother Winslow says, “Well, that stinks! Rambo won’t even blow anybody up until after 10:00.” Mother Winslow is down with the youth and hip to their struggle. She tells him that she’ll try to convince Carl to let him go at dinner that evening.
Harriet’s Story:
As you already know, Harriet thought Carl was being ridiculous for thinking that his mother would be a nuisance to them if she moved in. Barely hours later, however, Harriet is already complaining about how Mother Winslow is getting on her last nerve. If only someone had warned her.
Laura, Judy and Ant Rachel’s Story (AKA not important):
Laura and Judy have multiple arguments over who gets to watch baby Ritchie. It’s not important to the story, unless you subscribe to my theory that this tension eventually leads to Laura murdering Judy off-camera. Seriously, guys, one day Judy will disappear completely, and the family will never mention her again. Ant Rachel is writing a book and has backed herself into a corner by killing off an important character via shark attack. Both Harriet and Laura tell her that she needs to rethink this choice. I don’t think she ever finishes the book. Eventually, Laura comes to see Ant Rachel, worried that Carl is going to throw Mother Winslow out of the house. This seems strange, especially since Carl hasn’t complained about his mother in front of his kids at all (solid parenting, by the way. Carl is the best). Ant Rachel explains that everyone is just adjusting to the new situation, and also mentions that her husband is dead. Laura tells her that the two hours tops that she’s spent worrying about her Grandmother has given her a rash. The entire scene exists so that we can find out that Ant Rachel’s husband is dead, and is otherwise a waste of time. I wish that she had just had one or two lines at dinner, like, “Great meatloaf, Harriet, I sure wish my dead husband Robert was here to taste it!”
Conclusion:
All of the stories lead up to the titular dinner. Judy wonders why she can’t ever change the baby, so naturally Laura challenges her to a fistfight, exposing her true violent nature. Her parents do not reprimand her. Judy’s blood is on their hands. Eddie enters, apologizing for being late even though no one ever told him it was time for dinner. Carl wonders why he’s dressed so nicely, and he makes up a pretty great lie on the spot: he wanted to look nice for his grandmother’s first night at the house. It takes the attention off of him and makes everyone else look shitty by comparison. Just masterful work. Mother Winslow tried to manipulate Carl into letting Eddie go to the party, but Carl, a good parent, stands his ground. Eddie yells, “It’s not fair! I’m fifteen years old and you treat me like a kid!” This, of course, makes him seem even more like a child. But he goes up to his room and says he’s not coming out, and that really sells me on how mature he is.
Carl confronts his mother, who is knitting on the back porch. He tells her that she needs to back off and let him and Harriet run the household. She apologizes to him, but also advises that he let Eddie have a little more freedom so that he can prove he’s responsible. Carl says he’ll talk to Eddie, and Mother Winslow says she’ll apologize to Harriet, but not before insulting her cooking one more time, which got a genuine laugh from me somehow. God help me.
Eddie is in his new attic room, PEEPING ON THEIR NEIGHBOR. Seriously, he’s got binoculars, and he’s being a full-on creep. Carl comes in and tells Eddie that he appreciates that he moved into the attic so that there would be room for his grandmother. Eddie, creep that he is, says, “It’s got its advantages.” Pervert. Carl tells Eddie that he thinks Eddie is ready for new responsibilities, and extends his curfew to 11:00. He also tells Eddie that he can go to the party. Carl is a good guy. During the course of their conversation, Carl absent-mindedly picks up the binoculars and realizes that he can see his neighbor go about their private business. As he’s leaving, he grabs the binoculars, saying that he needs them for his next stakeout. I honestly can’t tell if he took them because he realized Eddie was being a creep, or if he intends to use them to spy on his neighbor himself. This is a 1989 joke that would definitely not be allowed to air today.
The episode ends with the adults singing, “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hand” while Judy and Laura watch from the stairs. Weird. Eddie, presumably, has gotten out his backup binoculars and resumed his creeptastic activities.
Of course, none of this episode mattered at all, because Steve Urkel isn’t on the show yet, and only Urkel Matters. Next week, I’ll be recapping Episode 1.2, “Two-Income Family.” I’m sure Carl will handle everything confidently in that one.
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