Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.19: Ash Everywhere
“Busted”
Original Air Date: February 15, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel did the Urkel Dance so hard that an embarrassed Willie tried to give him alcohol poisoning.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open
Here we go again:
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Steve is in the kitchen, reading a book about fungal infections to New Little Ritchie. When he’s done, NLR wants him to read him another one, but the Urkman has got planes to catch and bills to pay. On his way out the door, he runs into Judy, who asks him where he’s going. Urkel tells her that he’s going to a “Save the Roaches” protest. Judy thinks that this is disgusting, but Steve tells her that roaches are misunderstood. He pretends there is one in the room, and she freaks out. Urkel and NLR both laugh, but one is slightly more convincing than the other:
The Story:
Steve and Laura are in the living room, and he’s bought her a gift:
I showed you that whole scene because they both absolutely crushed it. Kelly Shanygne Williams is starting to get really good at that, “Oh, Steve” type of humor that they desperately need out of her. She and Reginald VelJohnson are just as important to getting the Urkel character to work as Jaleel White is. Eddie comes in, and he’s freaking out because he just crashed the car for the second time in a little more than a month. Urkel points this out (thank God) and asks him how the hell he even got his license. Not even Eddie has the answer for that one. Eddie got the damage appraised, and this new fender-bender is going to cost him $800. He asks Urkel if he can borrow the money from him, but Steve just spent all of his money on a new telescope, which he wants to use to see what his sneezes look like up close. Eddie asks him if he can take it back (what a selfish prick) and Urkel tells him that’s not how sneezes work, which is hilarious. Eddie asks Steve if there’s any other ways to get the money, and after a bit of prodding, Urkel confesses that he knows of an illegal gambling den inside of a bakery. Urkel promises to use his family’s natural gambling instincts (what?) to help Eddie win the money. All he wants in exchange is Eddie’s friendship (so sad). On his way out, Urkel sneezes into a handkerchief, and runs home so he can inspect it under the microscope.
Later, Estelle is sweeping some dust into a dustpan (foreshadowing alert!) when Rachel and Harriette walk in. They’re dressed in all black, so it’s clear that they just came from a funeral. Also, Rachel is crying like Salem the cat:
It turns out that the funeral was for their Aunt Clotilda, who passed away at the age of ninety-four during a game of Simon Says. I do enjoy the mental image of a bunch of senior citizens lying on the ground because “Simon” is dead, and they think they’ll lose the game if don’t copy what she’s doing. Harriette and Rachel have been tasked with scattering Clotilda’s Ashes (coming soon to a theater near you) over Lake Michigan. Rachel starts weeping again, so the women head to the kitchen with the intent of getting her a cup of tea, but not before Harriette places Coltilda’s Urn (the sequel!) directly above a trash can:
(Family Matters)
That’s a good spot for the remains of your dead relative. Nothing can go wrong! After the women have left the room, Carl walks in, and he loudly announces that he’s home, which he always does right before something terrible happens to him. He notices the urn, which he mistakes for a candy jar. I have a hard time believing that a grown-ass man wouldn’t know what an urn looked like, but maybe that’s because I grew up watching a mystical undead wizard (as Brandon Stroud would put it) be controlled by an urn carried by his obese mortician father:
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Anyway, Carl starts looking for candy, but as he’s pulling at the urn’s lid, Laura startles him, and he accidentally dumps the urn into the conveniently placed trash can. Carl admonishes Laura for having the audacity to greet her hero father as he comes home from a day of fighting crime, and then, seeing that he got some ashes in the new candy jar, dumps all it into the trash. It’s another example of a cheap joke made good by Reginald VelJohnson’s exceptional commitment to the bit:
He really looked at this as a job well done, like what was left was an acceptable amount of ash to be inside a candy jar. (Family Matters)
Later, we see a man in a casino playing craps. The camera pans back to show a door with one of those sliding slots for someone to give you a password through. Urkel gives a password to a large bouncer, and the bouncer hits a switch, which caused me to create this wonderful GIF:
(Family Matters)
Like every man in the entire world, I’m fascinated by secret doors. Also, I love that Urkel and Eddie are in tuxes. They’re already $800 in the hole, but they thought they should go the extra mile and rent tuxes. Also, why are people wearing tuxes into a casino masquerading as a bakery? You would think that would be a dead giveaway to the police (Spoiler Alert: it is). Eddie and Urkel start to get the feeling that they are a little in over their heads, but ultimately decide to act like they belong there.
Back at the Winslow house, the women are about to go spread their aunt’s ashes, and Carl finally realizes that the ashes that he scooped into the bin belonged to a relative of his. He calls her “Aunt Mofloppy” and “Aunt Clobubba,” which is hilarious, especially after he realizes that he’s desecrated this poor woman’s final resting place. He asks for a moment alone with the urn, and the ladies look at him like he’s out of his fucking mind:
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I feel like I don’t compliment Jo Marie Peyton nearly enough. She has one of the best, “What the fuck did you just say?” looks in the business. Conversely, RVJ has one of the best “I know what I’m doing is weird as hell, but I have to pretend that it’s not” looks in the business:
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All in all, I have to give all these actors credit for doing a lot when they were given very little. While Carl desperately tries to scoop Clotilda’s ashes back into the urn, he prays to God that he won’t come up a foot short.
Back at Mom’s Bakery/Secret Casino, it’s been half an hour, but Urkel still hasn’t played any games. Eddie presses him to use his Urkel Instincts, so Steve takes off his glasses and lets his senses lead him to where he needs to be. He ends up at a slot machine, and Eddie puts a quarter in. When they hit the jackpot, Urkel claims that he could get used to this.
Moments later, we find the boys at the craps table:
Urkel has won a ton of money, but like every great gambler, he knows that when you’re hot, you’re hot. He’s got to let it ride:
Urkel keeps winning, and he’s built his fortune up to $32,000. Eddie wants to quit while they’re ahead, but Urkel tells him that nothing can stop them. That’s when the secret door opens again, and the raid of this covert gambling establishment begins.
At the Winslow home, the family is returning home from spreading Aunt Clotilda’s ashes on Lake Michigan. Carl asks to speak with Harriette alone, and he confesses his urn crime to her. Harriette is still processing that half of her aunt is still in her family’s trash can when the phone rings. It’s Eddie, calling from prison.
Conclusion:
Carl has retrieved Eddie from prison, and he’s admonishing him for his decision making. He tells them that covering up his crimes will always make them worse, and he tells him that he’s not allowed anywhere near the family car until it has learned self-defense. That’s a pretty good line. He tells Eddie to hit the sack. Once Eddie has left the room, Harriette scolds Carl for covering up his urn mistake, which is of course the exact same thing he just punished Eddie for. When she’s done, she tells Carl that they should hit the sack, and he jumps up eagerly. It’s very sexual end to the show.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 2.20, “Fighting the Good Fight.” Seems to me like it will be a Very Special Episode.
Note: We’ll be taking a Thanksgiving break from the normal column, but I’m hoping to provide some bonus content so stay tuned to our Instagram account for updates on that.
