Only Urkel Matters, Bonus Episode 2: The Time Jaleel White Taught Bea Arthur How to Do the Urkel
In the last Bonus Episode of Only Urkel Matters, Urkel tried multiple times to murder the gang from Scooby-Doo.
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A few weeks ago, a commenter on my Facebook page named Andrae Coleman told me that he thought he remembered Jaleel White teaching Bea Arthur to “Do the Urkel.” This sounded amazing to me, so I told him that if he found the video, I’d review it. About ten minutes went by, and then I received a five minute clip from Andrae that was exactly what he told me it would be. Being a man of my word, I decided that I’d review it on the week of Thanksgiving, instead of just taking the week off like I’d planned. Unfortunately, I sat down to do this on Tuesday and the clip had been pulled from YouTube. I was only able to find the last minute of the interaction between one of the Golden Girls and the Golden God of nerd comedy. Don’t worry, though. This one minute clip is still fucking RIDICULOUS.
Where do you even begin with this shit? I think it’s with the title of the video. This sloppy asshole posted a video and didn’t even check to see if he spelled the name of a beloved TV character correctly. Fuckin’ amateur hour over here.
We start the actual video with the Urkman trying to teach the worst Golden Girl how to snort like him. Bea gives it her all, but she’s far too masculine to get her voice that high. Her balls were bigger than White’s entire body.
After her piss-poor attempt at snorting, the two of them Do the Urkel (as you might have guessed), but they’re not alone. There is an extremely diverse (like, a college brochure’s amount of diversity going on here) group of 90’s kids that are on the stage with them. This is most likely an attempt at distracting the audience from the fact that there is an octogenarian on stage.
If you were wondering if Bea is going to try to to finish the dance in the way it was intended to be ended, you should have known better. There’s no way an eighty-year-old lady-who lived in a time before stretching was considered to be a smart thing to do-would be able to get that low. Instead, Bea throws her arms in the air as if she accomplished something, and pretends to laugh so poorly that it rivals NLR’s performance from last week’s OUM:
Who did it worse? (Family Matters)
You think it’s over, but the best parts are at the end. Jaleel White takes his glasses off as soon as humanly possible, probably because he’s already become weary of the Urkel character. We get a quick shot of America’s sweetheart (and undisputed BEST Golden Girl) Betty White, who mouths, “That was wonderful!” to the camera, and seems like she really means it. My God, she’s a good actor. Bea doesn’t even notice, because she still feels like she needs to throws some shade at beloved one-hit-wonder, MC Hammer.
Finally, we get to the absolute best part of the video. A young Macaulay Culkin (who at this point was smack dab in the middle of his bizarre friendship with Michael Jackson) wearily shakes his head in disbelief at what he’s just seen:
(I have no idea where this video came from, so I don’t have a source. Let’s say “Home Alone 3”)
That’s it for this bonus edition of Only Urkel Matters! Join me next time, when I get back to the regularly scheduled programming.
