Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.20: Steuby-Doo and Race Wars Too
“Fight the Good Fight”
Original Air Date: March 1, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel brought Eddie to an underground casino, and there weren’t really any consequences. Do what you want, fam. Nothing means anything!
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available!
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
One more time, with feeling:
(Family Matters)
Carl is in the living room with NLR, and he’s trying to fix a vacuum. You have to admire his perseverance. He’s tried to unfuck so many things in his house, but it never ends well. This time is the same as all the others:
(Family Matters)
The Story:
Laura is in the living room, spouting facts about various accomplishments of African Americans. Honestly, a lot of this episode is just people saying, “Did you know (name of African American) did this?” It never becomes overbearing, however, because the point they’re trying to make rings so true: these facts are never taught in school. More than that, I wasn’t even aware as a very white boy that there were facts that were intentionally not being taught to me. Something I did notice was that a lot of these facts were being read out of a book with a very interesting title:
(Family Matters)
Laura is upset because most history books do not showcase the myriad of contributions made in the United States by African Americans. Carl (who is still trying to fix the vacuum, and gets hit in the face with a cloud of dust again) suggests to Laura that if she’s truly upset about this, maybe she should do something about it. Laura says, “Maybe I will.”
Later, Laura and Maxine are going through the line in the cafeteria. Urkel shows up, and immediately cuts two dudes:
(Family Matters)
There are no consequences, do what you want. Urkel tries a quick pick-up line on Laura, which does not work, obviously. That would be a weird time for her to finally give in. Steve runs into the principal, who is a Asian man, and converses with him in fluent Japanese. He makes a pretty good joke about how the meatloaf needs moistening, but the principal is unimpressed and walks away. Urkel heads over to the table where Laura and Maxine are sitting, and busts out another original “Camptown Races” melody:
You may recognize a returning Ms. Steuben (the teacher who aided Urkel in his quest to stalk Laura in episode 2.3) squishing an orange in her frustration with the Urkman. Laura gets up and announces to the student body that she has created a petition to add a black history class to the curriculum. Ms. Steuben (who squished a carton of milk in further annoyance with Steve) is the first to sign it, and the rest of the cafeteria huddles around Laura. Things are going very well with this plan, and in no way is this about to get super racist.
Later, Urkel is in the hallway, convincing people to sign Laura’s petition. In order to convince the basketball team, he shows them some sweet moves:
(Family Matters)
While watching this scene, I found myself wondering if the white guy was Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s boyfriend, Harvey. It’s not. Not all white guys are the same, Evdogg. However, the screenshot that I took did lead to me noticing something weird:
(Family Matters)
That guy is like forty years old. Is this a Never Been Kissed scenario? All of the basketball players sign the petition, and as they walk away, Urkel yells, “Good ‘tudes, dudes!” which is now something I will be saying in my personal life. Laura comes in, and Urkel brags about getting the basketball team to sign. He tells her that his next target will be the swim team. He demonstrates his backstroke, which somehow destroys a model of a dinosaur and creates a blood rival at the same time:
(Family Matters)
This broken dinosaur brings the SUBtotal to twenty-six, and brings dishonor onto Urkel’s family. Somehow, what I just wrote will not be the most racist thing in this column. Laura heads over to her locker, which she finds ajar. There’s also a note taped to the door, which reads, “If you want black history, go back to Africa.” The “something really bad is happening to this character” music starts to play, and at this point, I’m thinking, “Okay, that’s shitty, but it’s definitely not enough to break her spirit. This is Laura fuckin’ Winslow we’re talking about!” Unfortunately, we’re not done, because when she shuts her locker, we see this:
(Family Matters)
Guys, I haven’t been this shocked since Urkel walked into the kitchen in episode 1.4. But that was a happy surprise, and this was…not. Again, I’m a very white man, and thus unqualified to speak on racism, but I’ll continue to give my thoughts as usual, because thoughts are all I have. For starters, that’s a hard R at the end of that N-bomb. I’m not sure why that’s worse, but it definitely is. Secondly, the idea of raising children to act like this makes me sad. Racism is not embedded in our DNA, it has to be learned, and the fact that there are still parents out there who speak poorly of other races in front of their kids makes me sick to my stomach.
What I can only assume is the next day at the Winslow house, Carl is rightfully HEATED. He wants to know what the fuck is going on at that school, and suggests that the kids there are being taught the three R’s: Reading, Riting (that one hurt me just to type), and Racism. Harriette tells him that it’s not the school’s fault. She remembers going through this as a child, but hoped that it would never happen to her kids. This is an especially poignant scene, and I want to share the end of it, which I find especially heartbreaking:
A few days later, Laura comes in from school, and she’s devastated. The locker incident has incited tension between whites and blacks at her school, and she feels like it’s all her fault. Carl and Harriette try to intervene to no avail. Mother Winslow speaks up, asking to talk to Laura alone. Carl and Harriette rightfully protest (it’s their daughter after all) but Estelle insists. That was a nice touch. Estelle asks Laura if she minds if her old grandmother tells her a story, and Laura tells her that she’s not old. Estelle tells her that she’s her favorite grandchild. Upstairs, Judy hangs herself. The rest of the scene is absolutely CRUSHED by Rosetta LeNoire, and at the risk of this column being especially video and GIF heavy this week, I’m going to include that too:
So, for those of you keeping track, this elderly woman plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, and was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library.
Conclusion:
Urkel, Laura and Maxine are in the cafeteria, and they put up posters that present facts about African American inventors. Laura wonders aloud why the white students have such a problem with black history, and Urkel tells her that it’s because it’s different, like himself. Laura tries to make Steve feel like he’s not different, but the Urkster is proud of being different, and he tells her that he likes who he is and won’t ever change for anyone. Good call. Ms. Steuben comes in with the principal (who we find out is named Edgar), and the head of the institute is extremely displeased. I can see his point. The students in his school are already riled up because of racial tension, and there are now a shit-ton of black inventors plastered on the walls. Fortunately, the posters have the opposite effect, and bring the students together. Ms. Steuben tells Principal Edgar that she’s spoken with the rest of the faculty and they would all welcome the opportunity to present a more balanced version of American history. Urkel tells her, “Way to go, Steuby-Doo!” which is extremely inappropriate, but hilarious. It reminds me of a time that my eighth-grade teacher told me that she didn’t like that I spoke to her as if I was an adult, which I still laugh about every so often. Edgar suggests that Laura present a plan to add black history to the curriculum at the next month’s school committee meeting. Laura jumps at the chance, and she and Ms. Steuben leave, whispering to each other excitedly. Urkel (in Japanese) tells Edgar that he thinks Ms. Steuben was impressed by Edgar’s fair decision making, and Edgar thinks he might be able to get some sex out of this whole ordeal:
(Family Matters)
Back at the Winslow house, Carl is still trying to fix the vacuum. When it explodes one more time, NLR tells him that he’s going to need to pop for a new one. Judy (who I assume someone rescued from the noose) tells him, “Fat chance.” Laura comes in, and she’s convinced the school board to add the black history course! The family celebrates, and Laura ends the episode by thanking her grandmother for teaching her that one person really can make a difference. If you were wondering, the racist vandal was never discovered. The no consequences rule sucks sometimes.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 2.21, “Taking Credit.”
