Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.21: Bad Credit
“Taking Credit”
Original Air Date: March 15, 1991
Previously on OUM: Someone spray-painted the N-Word on Laura’s locker, and was never caught. Really thought they might pay that one off.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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Good News Everyone! I’ve added a Glossary to the site, to help newcomers (or day one readers that just need a refresher) understand the nonsense that is my writing.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
This is the entire cold open:
Just by typing, “This is the entire cold open,” I’ve already put in the same amount of effort writing this blog as the Family Matters writing team did while writing this episode.
The Story:
This episode was a giant regression from what has been a very solid season two. It almost seems like it was shot way before the others from this season. The episode begins with NLR’s (check the glossary, ya turkey!) voice over a picture of the house. He says, “Hurry up and try this cake, Mom. We made it ourselves!” Thanks for the exposition, little dude. No real person in the history of the world has ever told someone to “hurry up and try this cake.” It just doesn’t take that much coaxing to get someone to dump a delicious concoction of lard and sugar down their throat. Rachel takes a bite of the cake, and grimaces. You see, the kiddos put horseradish into it. That’s not what you put in a cake! Silly youths. Ritchie takes credit for thinking of making the cake, and he and Judy get into an argument over it:
Look at how much easier a time that a young Bryton James had with anger than he did with any other emotion. His anger is very believable! As a grown man he looks like a regular human being, but as a child he straight up looked like a serial killer. Rachel tells NLR that taking the credit for the cake wasn’t very nice. When NLR doesn’t understand why, she launches into the first of two separate stories about taking credit for things. We shift into the first of those stories with the most basic of PowerPoint transitions:
(Family Matters)
Eddie and Laura come bursting in through the backdoor, and they’re delighted because they took so many twists and turns on the way home from school that there is no way that Steve could have followed them home. Of course, Urkel knows the way to the Winslows better than he knows the route to his own home, so this plan was doomed from the start. I expect this kind of dumb plan from Eddie, but Laura should be ashamed of herself. Obviously, Urkel pops up from under the counter, and he’s like, “Why the hell were you guys running around town?” Harriette comes downstairs, and she encourages Eddie to sign up for an essay writing contest. Eddie and everyone else don’t understand why, until Harriette mentions the A+ in English that Eddie received on his last report card. After the last report card fiasco, you’d think that Carl and Harriet would be on the lookout for any and all suspicious shit (See Rodney, Shitty) in Eddie’s report card, but no. Harriette goes back upstairs, and the Urkman tells Eddie that he’ll get started on his essay right away. Laura catches on immediately: Urkel has been writing all of Eddie’s papers for him. In return, Eddie and Shitty Rodney will be taking Urkel along with them on their next fishing trip. Laura is concerned that Steve is trying to buy Eddie’s friendship, but Urkel tells her that at the very worst, he’s trying to lease it.
We go back to Rachel, who uses another PowerPoint swipe to launch into a story about Carl and LT Murtaugh on a stakeout.
Carl immediately offers the lieutenant a donut, and it’s from a box that clearly rips off Dunkin’ Donuts:
(Family Matters)
The lieutenant is using his binoculars the wrong way, so Carl has to show him the correct way to point them. I don’t like how stupid they’re making Murtaugh seem. When we first met him, he was a confident (if slightly depressed) and competent commanding officer. Here, Carl asks him when he thinks they’ll make their move, and Murtaugh thinks he’s being asked when he is going to shit out the donut. It’s just too much. Murtaugh tells Carl that he thinks they should be on a first name basis, but thinks Carl’s name is Kevin. They do this joke a few times, and I’m fine with that. At least you could think that he doesn’t know Carl’s name because he’s power (and lust) driven, and isn’t willing to take the time to learn his subordinates’ names. Carl admits that he doesn’t know what the Lieutenant’s first name is, and Murtaugh tells him that he had his name legally changed to Lieutenant. This made me crack up, and reminded me of Chad Johnson changing his name to Ocho-Cinco. Carl asks him what his name was before that, and Murtaugh tells him that it was “Sergeant.” How can a writing team that writes all of NLR’s shitty dialogue also come up with gold like that? It’s mind-boggling. LT Murtaugh goes on to tell Carl that knows of Carl’s family members like the back of his hand. He gets all their names wrong, but shows that he’s at least aware of Harriette, Eddie, and Laura. Per usual, Judy is missing from the conversation. Carl doesn’t even correct him, he just moves on. Finally, Murtaugh mentions Rachel (he gets her name right, by the way), whom he is interested in dating. I wondered at this point if that actually happened, or if Rachel just threw that part of the story in to make herself look good. It certainly could be true, I’m just not sure. Murtaugh admits to Carl that he needs to make this bust because his boss, Captain Davenport, is out to get him.
Back at the Winslow house, Harriette and Estelle are celebrating together in the living room. Eddie and Laura walk in, and ask them what’s going on. Harriette proudly tells Eddie that he’s won first place in the essay contest. I want to preface the GIF I’m about to show you by saying that Darius McCrary grows into a fine actor. Anyone who has ever seen that scene about a racist cop knows that he knocked it out of the park. That being said…he’s not there yet:
(Family Matters)
NLR is confused, because he thought that his Uncle Steve won the essay contest. Rachel tells him that this is true, but that Eddie took credit at first. Judy asks if Eddie “’fessed up,” which is dumb as hell, because otherwise how would NLR have known what really happened?
We jump back into the flashback, where Harriette and Estelle are so excited about Eddie’s writing prowess that they head off to phone their friends about it. Urkel comes in, and they tell him that his essay won first prize. The Urkman doesn’t care, and tells them that this will all just be something for him, Eddie, and Shitty Rodney to laugh about on their camping trip. Eddie breaks the news that Shitty Rodney (in an unsurprisingly shitty move) has told him that he won’t go on a camping trip with Steve, and that Eddie will have to choose between them. Personally, when someone asks me to choose between them and someone else, my answer will always be the person who didn’t make me choose, because they aren’t acting like a piece of shit. Eddie, however, chooses Shitty Rodney, because he too is shitty. He promises Urkel that he’ll take him on a different trip, and it will just be the two of them. Steve puts his foot down and tells Eddie that if he doesn’t man up and tell Rodney to go screw, Urkel will let everyone know who really wrote those papers. He also tells Eddie that can’t be his doormat because he’s already Laura’s doormat, which is hilarious. Eddie tells Steve that he’s been feeling guilty about the way he’s been treating him, and not only will he be confessing to his parents regarding the essays, he’ll also be calling Rodney to let him know that Urkel will be coming on the trip whether the Shit One likes it or not. I know we’re supposed to feel like Eddie is doing this because he’s a good person, but if he keeps making grand gestures and promises simply because he got caught doing shitty things, shouldn’t he just be known as a guy who does shitty things, apologizes, and then does shitty things again? I remember my ex-wife would always get on my case because I didn’t buy her gifts (her love language was giving and receiving gifts, while mine is touch; those two don’t work well together in retrospect), and I’d always apologize, and then promise to start surprising her with gifts. I’d do it once or twice, and then completely forget about it. Eventually, she correctly concluded that my apologies didn’t mean shit. Urkel is so happy that Eddie has “come around” that he hugs him, which he does in a weird, Urkely way:
(Family Matters)
Who the fuck hugs upward like that? I kept rewinding to watch it over and over, which is why I eventually put it into GIF form for your viewing enjoyment. You’re welcome. After the hug, Urkel feels uncomfortable because he’s hugged another man, so he says, “How ‘bout those Bears.” I love this kind of joke. I usually go with a Tool Time grunt, followed by saying “Steak, beer, TITTIES!” Always gets a laugh. You know, because toxic masculinity is fucking hysterical.
Carl and LT Murtaugh are on the tenth day of their stakeout, and they’re getting pretty antsy. Murtaugh tells Carl that he’s going to go out and get them some Eggplant Parmesan, despite Carl’s warning that them separating is against regulations. Of course, the moment Murtaugh is gone, the bad guys spring into action. Carl starts to record their wrong doings, using state of the art police equipment:
(Family Matters)
The only technology in that room that could potentially still be in use today is the walkie-talkie. Everything else has been obsolete for at least a decade. Carl grabs pictures of the stolen computers, and then snaps a few of the criminals themselves. But wait, one of them looks oddly familiar:
(Family Matters)
If I’m not mistaken, the Asian man is the same gentleman whose dinosaur bone display was destroyed by Urkel in episode 2.20, making them blood rivals. Unfortunately, IMDB does not list an actor for either of those characters, so we have no way of knowing for sure. After getting the pictures that he needs, Carl quietly mocks the perpetrators, saying, “Too bad you can’t see me.” On cue, LT Murtaugh returns and turns on the lights, revealing Carl to the criminals. Led by Urkel’s blood rival, they immediately start shooting in the general direction of the police officers.
Conclusion:
Carl and LT Murtaugh are standing in a room full of reporters, answering questions about their big bust (apparently, they survived the onslaught of bullets). Murtaugh doesn’t know the answer to any of their questions, but Carl covers for him. After the reporters leave, Murtaugh asks Carl (whose name he gets right for the first time) why he shielded him from the journalists, and Carl explains that he had nothing to gain from dragging Murtaugh’s name through the mud, especially since they both stand to gain from it. Murtaugh gives Carl a hug.
Out of the flashback, NLR shows Rachel that he understood what lessons he was supposed to learn from those stories by apologizing to Judy. Rachel tells them to go to bed, so NLR and Judy head towards the stairs. Before he can make it there, NLR doubles back and tastes the cake. He grimaces, and says, “This cake could kill ya!” The crowd laughs, Rachel laughs, I groan, and the episode ends.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 2.22, “Finding the Right Words.”
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