Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.17
“High Hopes”
Original Air Date: February 1, 1991
Hey guys! Long time no talk. I appreciated each and every one of you that expressed your eagerness for this column to return, and I also appreciated your support when I told you that the hiatus might last a while. I am very aware that I have the best readers in the world.
Previously on OUM: Steve and Carl both had difficulty recognizing their own face for some reason.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl starts the episode by coming in hot:
(Family Matters)
He’s mad because he was chasing a perp across the roof of the Sears Tower, and the guy got away because Carl’s fear of heights caused him to have a panic attack. You’re telling me that Carl Winslow chased a guy up one hundred flights of stairs? Don’t buy it. Harriette asks him how he got down, and Carl tells her that he crawled, which I buy even less. Harriette also doesn’t believe that shit, and Carl admits that he rolled down the last sixty flights. If you’re one of those people that gets mad at this show for getting more and more unrealistic the longer that it stays on air, this is where you should get off, because Steve transforming himself into Bruce Lee is far more believable than Carl Winslow slowly crawling down the steps of the Sears Tower.
The Story:
Harriette and Rachel walk into the kitchen, and I presume this happens immediately after their discussion with Carl, because they are still talking about it. Rachel says she can’t imagine breaking out in a sweat and feeling dizzy all of a sudden, and Estelle chimes in that she feels that way every time she sees Denzel Washington. Why is she so goddamn horny? Is it a medical condition? The phone rings, and Harriette answers it. It’s a radio station DJ, calling to tell her that she’s won the chance to win a brand-new car! Harriette tells Rachel to turn up the radio, which is exactly what she shouldn’t do (because we’d be able to hear the radio on loop in the background), but makes sense for television purposes (because it allows Rachel [and us] to hear the conversation). To win the car, Harriette must be able to name a song within ten seconds. It takes about eight seconds, but Rachel is able to name that tune, and Harriette wins the car! After she hangs up, they celebrate for a moment before immediately getting into an argument about who won the car. I’m Team Harriette, by the way. Sure, Rachel was the one who provided the answer, but they didn’t call Rachel, did they? I think if they had gone to court, Harriette would have won. Anyway, Rachel gets really pushy, and I think it’s just because she is dressed like she’s in the Nation of Domination:
(Family Matters)
Estelle tries to break up the fight, but Harriette and Rachel both yell, “Butt out, Grannie!” at the same time, which should have caused them to burst out laughing, because no one has ever called her Grannie before. It’s quite a coincidence. This doesn’t occur to either of them, and they continue yelling at each other.
In the living room, Carl is trying to overcome his fear of heights:
If you’re one of those people who read my blog but skip the videos, don’t do that this time. There’s so much to love here:
· Eddie’s hormones causing him to let his father down yet again
· Family Matters’ continued love of shitty camera effects
· The crowd’s massive overreaction to Urkel entering
· Carl landing on Urkel even though his falling trajectory would have taken him nowhere near the Urkman
· Steve’s crushed ding-dong (😉)
After a bit of prodding from Urkel, Carl explains that he’s working on his fear of heights. Steve recounts to Carl the time he overcame his fear of nudity by entering a house of mirrors naked. The rules regarding sex crimes were a bit different back then. The doorbell rings, and it’s my dude, Lieutenant Murtaugh. Carl welcomes Murtaugh in, and Urkel asks him how his dog Bloodfang is. Murtaugh reveals that Bloodfang is dead, which is super sad, you guys. That dog was the only thing keeping the lieutenant afloat. Urkel lets him know that he’s sorry, and Murtaugh sullenly tells him that sorry won’t bring Bloodfang back. Damn, that’s dark. The lieutenant explains that he is here because he heard about Carl’s roof escapade. Who did he get this information from, you ask? The answer, which should be obvious to you, is that piece of shit Charlie Carnelli. Carl tells Murtaugh that this is just a vicious rumor, like the one about the lieutenant and a stripper. Murtaugh, who definitely did something super nasty with a stripper, leaves. Carl is freaking out, but Urkel tells him that he can cure his fear of heights easily. Carl tells Steve that he’s better off going to the precinct shrink. I know that mental health was thought of in a different light back then, gang, but Steve basically calls Carl a bitch right here, and I’m not okay with that. The Urkman tells Carl that he has two choices: cry about his mommy for the next five years or let Steve cure his fear of heights in just one day. I don’t know about you guys, but I want a spin-off where we watch Carl in therapy for five years and we eventually find out that Carl’s fear of heights is Estelle’s fault, somehow. Unfortunately, Carl chooses to take Steve up on his offer, and he asks Urkel what he needs to do. The Urkster tells him that he’ll pick him up the next morning at eight o’clock, and that all Carl needs to do is trust him and do exactly what he says. At this point, I was like, “Oh, they’re going to go up in a plane together, and Carl will have to land it for some reason.” I was not correct this time, but that happens in every sitcom, so stay tuned.
(Family Matters)
How did I not see this coming? I want to again point out that they are certainly not in the woods, and the background is just a painted canvas. Carl takes one look at the balloon and tries to bail, but Urkel drags him back. The balloon operator introduces himself as Jimmy “Wild Blue Yonder” Phillips. I want a nickname as dope as that. Maybe something like, Evan “Nineties sitcom” Donohue. WBY is played by another classic sitcom “That Guy,” Jim Doughan, who you would probably recognize the most as the donut-eating cop named Doyle in The Mask. Carl introduces himself to WBY as Carl “Yellow-Bellied” Winslow, which I laughed pretty hard at, to be honest. WBY heads off to grab some maps, and Carl and Steve jump into the balloon. Urkel starts fucking with the machinery, and, quite predictably, the balloon lurches off of the ground. Carl yells at him to fix it, and Steve tries to, but only succeeds in causing them to head even further into the sky. The balloon starts to drift away, sans instructor.
Later, Carl and Steve are still in the air, and Steve is nowhere closer to figuring out how to get them down. He suggests that Carl look around while they’re up there, so Carl takes a peek over the basket. He promptly faints, and luckily, he falls backwards and not forwards, because there’s no way Urkel could have prevented him from toppling over the side.
Back at the Winslow house, Harriette and Rachel are still arguing about who the car rightfully belongs to. Estelle admonishes them both, and tells them that they should start acting like people who care about each other. Preach, Grannie. When Estelle suggests that they just sell the car and split the profits, the two sisters finally agree, and plan to spend the money they make in a good old-fashioned shopping spree. Yeah, just burn through that money, fam. It’s not like you need enough money to send four fucking kids to college. Laura is glad that this whole ordeal is behind them, and she mentions that when Carl gets home, he’ll be happy too. That’s weird thing to say, but it’s just to set up this line from Estelle:
Steve tells Carl that he’s proud of him, because his scream was much shorter this time. Carl insists again that Steve gets them down, and Urkel tells him that once the air in the balloon cools, they will drift safely back to earth. That’s when Carl spots the airplane that’s headed right for them. The pilot of said plane is able to avoid the balloon, but the residual gust of air blows Urkel out of the basket. As Steve dangles perilously, Carl overcomes his fear of heights and pulls the Urkman safely back inside. Urkel congratulates him on conquering his fear of heights, and tells him that whether he’s on the ground or in the air, Carl is the world’s greatest cop. We get an absolutely gorgeous shot of the balloon drifting away, and Steve blatantly rips off Casablanca:
(Family Matters)
Conclusion:
Urkel is in the Winslows’ living room, recapping the days’ events to Harriette, Estelle, and Rachel. He and Carl take turns praising each other for how they handled the horrible situation that they easily could have avoided by just doing nothing. Urkel finally proclaims that it’s time for him to go home, and he jumps in his new ride, which is waiting for him right outside the door:
(Family Matters)
The Winslows wave goodbye as Urkel floats away into the sky, ready to make the long journey down the street. That’s how the episode ends.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 2.18, “Life of the Party.” This is one of the few times when I do know what happens in the next episode, and I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while. Don’t miss it!
