Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.13
“Man’s Best Friend”
Original Air Date: January 4, 1990
Last week, Eddie’s friend came over and left his headphones on the whole time, which isn’t weird at all. Oh right, and Steve Urkel arrived.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Welcome to the 90’s! It feels fitting that the shows that existed without Urkel as an important character were in a completely different decade than the rest of them.
This might be the most 90’s screencap ever (Photo Credit: IMDB)
Cold Open:
Eddie is painstakingly building a model ship (and doing a great job at it, I might add) when Steve Urkel walks in. I breathed a sigh of relief, because after last week’s fantastic episode, I never want to watch an episode of this show without Urkel in it again. Urkel tells Eddie that he’s going to ask Laura out for Saturday night, and Eddie tells him that Laura will never go out with him. Laura comes downstairs, and after telling Steve that she has plans for Saturday, he asks her about Sunday. She tells Steve that she will never, ever go out with him, which is legitimately the nicest thing she could ever do for him, and he takes this to mean that he caught her at a bad time. He then tells Eddie that she wants him bad, and says, “See ya!” before tripping over the mat that Eddie has set to protect the living room table from the glue he’s using to piece together the ship. Of course, the ship shatters into dozens of pieces, and Urkel (for the first time) says one of his most popular catchphrases: “Did I do that?” Eddie chases him out of the house, and probably beats the bag out of him off camera.
The Story:
The kids come home from school and find Harriet, Rachel, and Little Ritchie in the kitchen. They tell them that they have a big surprise for them, one that Harriet and Rachel can’t live without. Harriet hopes it’s a maid, and Rachel hopes it’s a man. You gotta love how man-crazy Rachel is, and since she’s obviously incredibly attractive, you know she’s getting it whenever she wants. I legit want to give her a high-five. Anyway, the kids have the adults close their eyes, and they bring in the surprise. “It’s a dog!” says Harriet, and Rachel congratulates her for getting it right on the first try, which got a cackle out of me. Harriet tells the kids that it’s a cute dog, but Carl has a strict no-pets policy, so they need to get it the fuck out of there. Rachel takes the kids’ side, and Harriet agrees to try to warm Carl up to the idea. Just then, Carl comes home from work through the front door of the house, which he never does, and hollers, “Harriet, I’m home!” which he also never does. It was kind of him to give them a warning. Also, why is his shift done so early in the day? The kids just got home from school. I guess crime called it an early day as well. The kids take advantage of Carl’s unexpected warning and hustle the dog upstairs to hide. Rachel tries to go with them, but Harriet yells, “Stay! Sit!” at her to get her to stay, which is funny, because dog.
Carl comes into the kitchen, and he is in a MOOD. He was in a high-speed chase, and ran out of gas. That’s a really funny visual. He also almost ran over Eddie’s bike, which was left in the wrong spot in the driveway. He is about to head upstairs to chew Eddie out, but Harriet cuts him of at the pass. She yells for Eddie to come downstairs, and Eddie yells, “Coming! Oh, no, don’t drink out of the toilet!” and Reginald VelJohnson does one of his trademark, “Carl Reaction Faces.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, VelJohnson has some of the best facial reactions of any actor I’ve ever seen. It’s part of what makes Steve Urkel so iconic. Anyway, Harriet explains the toilet situation as Judy going through a difficult time, and that’s pretty damn funny. Between this week and last, Family Matters is on a comedic roll. Carl goes to watch the news (but not before making one last hilariously exasperated look regarding the Judy/toilet situation), and Harriet tells Rachel that she’ll tell Carl about the dog when he’s in a better mood. Rachel wants to know how long that will take, and Harriet tells her that Carl has eight years until retirement, so she’ll tell him at the party. Good line. Also, we know that this show will last an additional eight seasons after this one, so I wonder if there will be an episode where Carl retires. I also wonder if I have the determination to keep writing about this show for that long. (Of course I do. Don’t sweat, my pet.)
Up in Eddie’s room, there’s a throw-away scene in which Rachel, Eddie, Laura, and Judy do an elaborate dance to Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative” and Carl accidentally eats candy intended for the dog. I originally wrote about this scene, which continued to establish that they have a dog that Carl doesn’t know about, but it was about 600 words, and so little happened that I cut it from the recap. You’re welcome. The only thing really worth mentioning is that Eddie no longer lives in the attic, as he did in the pilot episode, “The Mama Who Comes to Dinner.” I guess they moved him after Carl discovered his peeping problem.
At breakfast the next morning, Carl comes downstairs dressed as a referee for some reason.
Flag on the play: roughing the slipper. Ten yard penalty, automatic first down. (Photo Credit: Family Matters)
He shows the family one of his slippers, which has been chewed up. Laura tried to blame Little Ritchie, but since Carl isn’t a moron, he knows something’s up. Just then, there’s a sound coming from the pantry, where the family has hidden the pupper. Harriet tries to block Carl from the door, but Carl tells her to step aside. He opens the door, and out comes the dog, with a tablecloth draped over him for comedic effect.
Harriet explains where the dog came from, but Carl stays firm to his “no pets” policy. Rachel asks him why he doesn’t like dogs, and Carl tells her that he loves dogs, but launches into a story about how when he was six years old, his father brought home a cocker-spaniel puppy, and they became inseparable. “He’d follow me school every day and wait for me outside.” At this point, Eddie cuts in to ask why Carl’s father would follow him to school every day. They worded this joke exceptionally, and I was so surprised by it that I laughed out loud. Anyway, Carl’s dog got sick and died, and he’s been heartbroken by it ever since. This is a perfectly good reason to not want to get a dog, but Harriet rightfully tells him that it was a twenty years ago, and to get some therapy. She could have said it in a nicer manner, but it accomplished the goal regardless, as Carl finally relents and tells the kids they can have the dog as long as they take care of him.
The next day, the kids are heading to the mall, and Carl asks them if they’ve taken care of the dog (whose named has been revealed to be Mickey) yet. They have, so he tells them to bring Mickey into the kitchen and away from him. Carl sits down to read the paper, but Steve Urkel walks in looking for Laura. He calls Carl by his surname, and Carl tells him that he should be calling him, “Mr. Winslow.” Urkel tells Carl that his parents, Herb and Diane, think the same thing. Is Urkel adopted? I can’t imagine two back people named “Herb and Diane.” Urkel heads into the kitchen to grab some food, but Mickey is there, and he backs Steve up against the wall, so that he has to climb onto a piano to escape him. The Urkman leaves because he’s scared of the dog, and this is what makes Carl start to love Mickey. Cause and effect writing at its finest. I loved this scene.
Two weeks later (heck of a jump in time), the family has soured on Mickey. He’s eaten Eddie’s homework, Laura’s science project, Rachel’s workout outfit, Harriet’s blouse (although she doesn’t know it yet), and apparently Mother Winslow, because she’s nowhere to be found. This is the second episode in a row that Estelle hasn’t been in. I know you found out where your bread is buttered (Steve), but Estelle is your second funniest character. Don’t do her like that. Carl, however, has also flip-flopped on Mickey, because the dog is his new favorite family member. He shows them all the trick he taught Mickey, and wishes the kids could be that disciplined. It’s almost as if the dog would behave well for the rest of them if they got on board and helped train him. Carl goes to work, and Harriet, upon finding out about the blouse, says, “That’s it, this dog has got to go.”
The next scene is the most infuriating one in the history of the show thus far. Carl comes home with a Frisbee for Mickey, and the family is ready to stage an intervention on him. They tell him that Mickey is destructive, and that they need to get rid of him. Yeah, don’t take any responsibility for the dog and teach him to do better like Carl is, just give up and abandon him. Rachel even has the nerve to tell Carl that Mickey is an outdoor dog that needs the room to run around and play. You’ve had him for TWO WEEKS. Before that he was abandoned. Give the dog some time to fucking adjust. I don’t think I can ever look at this family the same way again. Carl, who wants to keep Mickey, doesn’t put his foot down on this, even though the whole world knows he’s in the right. He agrees to find Mickey a new home.
Conclusion:
Carl walks sadly onto “The Magical Porch That Fixes Everything,” where Mickey is comfortably lying on the porch swing. It’s a heartbreaking scene where Carl explains to this adorable doggo that he’s found him a new place to live out in the country, where Mickey can run around and dig holes all he wants. This, of course, is the same type of place that parents tell children their dogs went to when they don’t want to explain the concept of death to them. Wait, did Carl kill Mickey? Either way, this was the one time when I desperately needed “The Magical Porch That Fixes Everything” to fix, well, everything, and of course this is the one time it let me down.
Carl comes home from shooting Mickey in the back of the he…um, dropping Mickey off at his new home, and this family of dog-abandoning monsters comforts him as if they all made the right decision but understand how sad that must have made Carl. I hate them so much right now. Urkel walks through the door, and Carl doesn’t understand how Steve got into the house, because he locked the door when he came in. Urkel tells him that he “took the liberty of making (his) own key.” Hysterical. Carl asks Steve what he wants, and the Urkman says, “You mean besides Laura?” like the goddamn psychopathic yet adorable nerd that he is. Steve noticed from his window that Carl got rid of the dog (Urkel and Eddie could start a peeping club together), so he brought him a new pet, or more accurately, pets. It’s an ant farm, and anyone who’s ever seen this show knows what’s about to happen. I’m not counting the thousands of spilled red ants in my tally of Urkel damage, but it is a shitty thing to have happen in your home. Urkel, of course, is more concerned for the pregnant queen ant, and the episode ends with him frantically looking for her, yelling, “Your majesty? Your majesty?!” An extremely funny end to an extremely traumatic episode of Family Matters.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 1.14, “Baker’s Dozens,” when the family ups the ante by abandoning thirteen dogs instead of just one.
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