Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.14
“Baker’s Dozens”
Original Air Date: January 12, 1990
Last week, the Winslows rescued and then subsequently abandoned a stray dog.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
“You’re my favorite deputy!” (IMDB)
Cold Open:
Aunt Rachel comes downstairs in a bathrobe (hachi machi!), and it’s clear that she’s getting ready to take a shower. The children are headed to the mall, and Eddie invites his aunt to come along, which is super sweet of him. She declines in favor of the aforementioned shower, and heads into Mother Winslow’s bathroom. Urkel walks in, and Laura asks him if he’s ever going to knock before entering. Urkel tells her that he doesn’t like to disturb anyone. If you’ve ever read this column before, you know that I laughed my ass off at that. The speed with which the Family Matters writers went all-in on Steve Urkel is absolutely staggering. Someone at the network (the smartest guy/gal there, by the way) was like, “This kid is money, put him in every episode.” Watching him slowly take over is fascinating. Urkel asks to tag along to the mall, but the children do some quick thinking and convince him that they’re playing hide-and-seek. Steve tells them that he loves that game, and he plays it all the time with his folks. He once found them living in Milwaukee living under an assumed name (again, I laughed extremely hard at this). Laura tells him that he’s “it,” and to count to twenty-five. Urkel tells her that he’s coming for her first, very much in the manner that a sexual deviant would. As soon as the closet door closes, the Winslow children bounce. Urkel, who definitely did NOT count to twenty-five, hears Rachel running the shower in the bathroom and says, “That shower running doesn’t fool me, Laura!” and enters Mother Winslow’s bathroom. Obviously, he sees Rachel naked, and she screams. He apologizes, but then looks directly into the camera and says, “WOWWWWWW!” and heads out the door, presumably to masturbate furiously.
The Story:
The family is finishing up dinner, and Harriet wants to know who’s going to help with the dishes. Every person at the table has an excuse to not do them, and they start getting up to leave. Carl tells them to freeze, because he cooked dessert for everyone: lemon-cream tarts. They both sound and look amazing, but the family makes sure that Carl knows they do not have high hopes for a Carl-made treat. They all have to eat crow though, because Carl has made some dope-ass tarts. They’re from a secret recipe, passed down from generation to generation by the males in the Winslow family. Carl tells Eddie that he’s next in line. Rachel is so impressed by the tarts that she wants to serve some at her next writer’s workshop meeting. Carl agrees to make her some, and Harriet tells them that now that dessert is done, it’s time for the dishes. They all scatter, using the same excuses they used before: Laura and Judy have homework, and Eddie is heading to play video games with his shitty friend Rodney.
Days later, Carl comes home from work complaining about lawyers. It’s not a funny or original line, so let’s move on. Rachel comes into the living room, and she’s all excited because a man at her writer’s workshop is the manager of a restaurant, and he’d like to buy some of the Winslow family tarts to sell there. It doesn’t take too long for the rest of the family to get hyped as well, and they start negotiating shares of the profits immediately. Harriet doesn’t want them to use her kitchen for this, but they ignore her, of course. They excitedly discuss putting Carl’s face on the labels, and he wonders if he should wear a chef’s hat in the photo.
Later that evening, the gang is in the kitchen, waiting for Rachel to come home and tell them exactly how many tarts the restaurant would like to order. When she walks in, she’s ecstatic. She tells them everything has gone to plan, including getting Carl’s face on the label. Harriet knows her sister well, so she asks Rachel what the catch is. Rachel tells them that they need 1,000 tarts. Carl thinks this will be tough, but as long as the tarts don’t need to be ready by Monday, they can do it. Rachel tells them that they need to be ready by Monday. Big laughs from the studio audience. Carl is a little disturbed, but he truly believes that when the Winslow family comes together, they can do anything. Rachel loves his spirit, and so she breaks the news that it’s actually 1,000 dozen tarts. CLASSIC COMEDY.
(I hope you know me enough by now to know when I’m being sarcastic. That scene was devoid of comedy. Also, I’m never being sarcastic about Urkel. I truly love that nerdy bastard.)
After a brief commercial that I didn’t have to watch because I spend my Urkel profits on Hulu Plus, Carl is skeptical that they can accomplish this seemingly impossible task. Rachel starts spouting off clichés that are designed to inspire the family, but Harriet interrupts her and tells her to call the manger of the restaurant to let him know that they can’t accomplish the task. What I’m wondering is why they can’t strike a deal that allows them to use the restaurant’s ovens and staff to help them. Anyway, Rachel can’t back out, because she already spent part of the advance that the manager gave her without consulting anyone. Who put this woman in charge? Laura is clearly the person who should be negotiating here. Aside from selling a priceless family heirloom to a white devil, she’s got business savvy coming out her ass. (She’s pooping business savvy? Did I think this through enough? I’m too dug in at this point.) The doorbell rings, and Rachel tells the family that she’ll get it, but not to follow her. Naturally, everyone follows her.
When Rachel opens the door, a white man wheels in several bags of flour on a dolly, fulfilling their contractual obligation to have a white person in every couple of episodes. He’s followed shortly by a black man, wheeling in a bulky piece of equipment that Rachel tells us is the “Bartlett 111, (which) can mix 300 gallons of batter an hour.” Harriet objects once again, which historically means that they’re going to do it anyway and everything will turn out all right. Rachel tells her that they need to take risks if they want to make Carl the “Prince of Tarts.” Carl immediately objects, because he’s no prince; Carl is the goddamn KING of tarts. Harriet begs them one final time to stop and think about what they’re getting into. They think for about two seconds, and then completely ignore her. Lord help me, I LOVE when people get ignored in comedy shows. (Sweet Dee, Jerry Gergich, Meg Griffin, ect.) I love it even more when no one learns any lessons.
Later that evening, the whole Winslow family (except for Mother Winslow, who Laura mentions is out of town) is busy making tarts and singing up a storm. Urkel strolls in, and asks if he can help. Rachel wants to know if they can use his family’s oven, and he tells them sure, as long as he gets Laura’s hand in marriage. Carl pretends to accept, which is funny. Urkel walks over to the batter mixer and excitedly asks if it’s a Bartlett 111, because of course Steve Urkel knows the brand names of batter mixers. He then tells Carl about how the donut shop next to the police station accidentally dropped a mouse in their Bartlett 111. This show has a very strange obsession with Steve Urkel and eating mice, and I’m excited to see if they eventually pay it off. Carl wants Steve to leave, and Urkel sees himself out.
A few hours later, the family is in low spirits. They’ve only made about a third of the tarts that they need to make to complete the order. Laura and Judy are fighting, so Harriet brings Judy upstairs to help her get ready for bed. Eddie wants to know when the next break is, and Carl tells him to ask Rachel, because this was her idea. Rachel is a little off-put by this, but she lets it go. Unfortunately, she accidentally shoots some batter out of the bag and onto Carl. He thinks it’s on purpose, and what you’ve known was going to happen for the whole episode happens: the Winslow family gets into a food fight. They’re all covered in batter, and Carl and Eddie smash two of the tarts that they’ve been painstakingly making into each other’s faces. Urkel walks in with some nifty looking earmuffs on (Steve’s parents get a lot of heat on this show for not caring about him, but they do buy him a LOT of clothes) and asks if they’ve got anything to eat. They all throw tarts at him, and he too becomes covered in batter. Harriet comes in and berates them all for acting like children, ruining her kitchen, and for having this dumb idea in the first place. I just want to point out that this idea wasn’t dumb. Their planning and execution, however, was terrible. Steve asks for some milk to go with his face, which is still dripping with batter. You know I laughed at that. If you’re wondering if I’m ever going to get over how funny I find Urkel doing ANYTHING, just know that it’s been almost thirty years now.
Conclusion:
Carl, Laura, Harriet, and Eddie are all passed the fuck out in the living room. Carl is having a nightmare about mice and tarts, and it’s so loud that Laura wakes up. Laura gently wakes up Carl, and the rest of the family wakes too. Judy comes downstairs (remember, she went to bed early) and asks if they completed the tarts in time. They did, with just two hours to spare. Rachel comes home from dropping off the tarts, and she has their profits. Laura and Eddie look at the check, and they declare that the family is rich. Rachel explains that because they had to buy pots, pans, batter, and the Bartlett 111, they only made $24 in total. Laura says that she knew this wouldn’t work, and Harriet mockingly calls her “Ms. Black Enterprise.” I didn’t know what this meant, so I googled “Black Enterprise.” It’s a magazine that had been covering African-American owned businesses since 1970. Maybe not knowing this shows how white I really am, but I thought it was interesting information. The family starts to talk about how they learned that they can accomplish anything, and that even though the business is a failure, they still had some fun along the way. However, as my buddy Ryan pointed out to me (we watched four episodes together after an eight-hour day-drinking session), they should not be giving up so quickly. Most of the expenses Rachel described were first time costs only. They’ll still need to buy the flour, but they’ve already purchased the pots, pans, and most importantly, the Bartlett 111. Furthermore, they absolutely don’t have to use their own oven for this. Negotiate a different deal the second time around! Giving up now is borderline foolish. This family loves to give up on things though (RIP Mickey), so they head into the kitchen so that they can clean up the mess they made. Once they’ve seen the mess, Laura and Judy claim that they’ve got homework to do, and Eddie leaves to go to his shitty friend Rodney’s house. The adults have also mentally checked out on this whole ordeal, so they decide to spend the profit that they’ve made to pay someone to clean the kitchen for them. That is the end of the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 1.15, “The Big Reunion.” Could the reunion be Mother Winslow’s return to the show after conspicuously missing the previous three episodes? One thing’s for sure, it certainly won’t be a reunion with Mickey, because Carl 100% shot him in the back of the head.
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