Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.15
“The Big Reunion”
Original Air Date: January 19, 1990
Last week, the Winslows created and then subsequently abandoned a business.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
(IMDB)
Cold Open:
Eddie walks down the stairs spinning a basketball on his finger like the cool, hip guy that he is. He tells Laura that he is heading out to play basketball with the guys, and to tell Harriet that if she asks where he is. Laura tells him to tell her himself, because she’s not his secretary. What a bitchy thing to say. He didn’t even tell her that she had to tell their mother anything unless Harriet specifically asked where he was. Steve Urkel comes into the kitchen (without knocking, obviously; they don’t even bother him about it anymore) and he’s dressed exactly the way you’d expect if you thought to yourself, “What would Urkel wear to play basketball?”
Air Urkel (Family Matters)
Steve asks Eddie if he’s ready to shoot some hoops, and Eddie wonders why Urkel would put himself through this; he never gets picked to play, not even when the only alternative is a girl in heels. Eddie heads out to meet the fellas, and Steve asks Laura to play some one-on-one. Laura and Judy tell Steve to stay in his lane, and stick to chess. Urkel tries to show them some moves he’s been practicing, and ends dropping the ball directly into Laura’s cereal. After Steve says, “Did I do that?” Laura sarcastically tells him that the basketball was a prize that came with the cereal. It’s obvious that the only idea they had for this cold open was, “Steve Urkel is a nerd, let’s make him a nerdy basketball costume!”
Main Titles:
This week, I noticed something strange going on during the dinner table scene in the opening credits. The entire family is talking at the same time. Did they all get the exact same stage direction? Weird.
Carl’s Story:
Carl’s story this week starts with a phone call from one of his high school friends, Darnell Clark. Harriet is the one who takes this call, and Darnell tells her that Carl’s twenty-year high school reunion is next month. When Harriet hangs up, a returning Mother Winslow asks her which Darnell it was that had called. You see, Carl’s three best friends were all named Darnell. Estelle says that those were some confusing times, and I think my own parents would understand her plight. I have a brother, a former landlord, a boss, and two best friends that are all named Ryan. Every time I say “Ryan” to my parents I have to specify which one I’m talking about. Anyway, the news comes out that Carl was in a singing group with the three Darnells, “The Darnells.” Obviously, it should have been “Carl and the Darnells,” but maybe Carl thought that would be too conceited on his part. Carl’s a humble man, he doesn’t have a massive ego. (SHAMELESS PLUG) Carl doesn’t seem to have any interest in going to the reunion, and when Eddie asks why anyone would want to go back to high school after finally being done with it, Carl agrees.
After some prodding, Harriet gets Carl to admit that he doesn’t want to go to the reunion because of all of the weight he’s gained since high school. He’s embarrassed, because the Darnells were all track stars, and he doesn’t want to be the only fatty amongst his friends. Rachel comes in from the gym looking fine as hell, and Harriet suggests that if Carl wants to lose some weight, he should work with her. Rachel guarantees that if he commits himself fully to her system, he’ll lose the weight he wants to before the reunion.
Later, at the dinner table, Carl is feeling faint and dizzy because of the diet. Harriet says that it’s only been twelve hours, but the math doesn’t add up. Even if they’re eating dinner as late as 8:00 PM, that would’ve meant that Carl came home from work at 8:00 AM. Now, I know he’s a cop, and cops have overnight shifts, but Eddie had also come home from work minutes earlier, and there’s no way that a minor would have been working at a grocery store overnight. This scene should be at least twenty-four hours later. Maybe Carl ate one last huge meal before starting his diet the next morning? If so, that’s never a good idea. Just commit. The family is eating a delicious lasagna in front of their obese, dieting father, which is another contractually obligated 90’s sitcom scene. Of course, Rachel serves Carl an extremely small portion of vegetables. I never understand when people try to go from zero to a hundred with their diets. Completely unsustainable.
Later that evening, Carl sneaks downstairs in PJs and a bathrobe (hella comfy), and he goes to get a snack. Because this is a 90’s sitcom, his family has locked the freezer door shut. There was no actual writing involved with this episode, they just re-shot scenes from other family sitcoms with their own actors. In his desperation, Carl grabs some of Little Ritchie’s baby food, but he gets busted when he accidentally dumps all of the silverware onto the floor, waking Rachel and Harriet. They call him pathetic, even though they dropped his caloric intake from 3,000 a day (being charitable) to about six calories a day. Carl’s body does not understand what the fuck is going on, of course he’s going to get desperate.
It’s been about a week now, and Carl is on a stationary bike, watching TV. He keeps having to change the channel because every station has food related content currently airing. Laura and Judy walk in, and they’ve been eating cupcakes. They accidentally leave two behind, and Carl tries to grab them without getting off of the bike. Obviously he can’t, and Laura comes down and retrieves the cupcakes. Carl actually weeps. Rachel comes in to tell him that his fifteen minutes on the bike are up, and congratulates him on making it through a week of her regiment. She tells him that it’s time to kick it up a notch, and demands that he do fifty push-ups, which he definitely cannot do, at least consecutively. His form is terrible too; his butt is up in the air. Get that ass down, Officer Winslow.
An unidentified amount of time later, it’s time for Carl’s weigh-in. It comes out organically that Mother Winslow hasn’t had a physical in fifty years, and no one bats a goddamn eye at this. Carl steps on the scale, and he’s lost eleven pounds! It’s probably even more, but he weighs himself with his bathrobe on for some insane reason. The whole family is proud of him (as they should be) and Carl finally agrees to go to the reunion. But wait, plot twist! Darnell called this morning, and with no approval from Carl whatsoever, Carl is now obligated to perform on stage with “The Darnells” during his reunion. This much attention is too much for Carl, who is, again, NOT going to the reunion.
A little later, Carl has completely given up on being healthy. As he asks Harriet to pass him some hot fudge for the sundae he’s preparing, Carl gives a little speech about how there’s too much emphasis on being thin these days. He’s not thin, and he’s always been happy. Fuck thin people! Harriet asks him why he cares what people think of him if he’s really so happy. Carl tells her that he really only cares what the Darnells think. Harriet rightly tells him that his friends won’t give a shit. Carl pushes the sundae aside, and finally agrees (for realsies this time) to go to the reunion.
Eddie’s Story:
Eddie comes home all excited, because one of the guys in the produce department got fired. The family asks him why this is a good thing, and he tells them that if there’s an opening, that means he can try to grab that position. Laura asks him why that’s so important, and Eddie tells her that all of the “biggies” at the market got their start in produce. He lists Louie in fish, Chuck in meats, and Stella in cheese. Obviously, I don’t need to tell you anything about THOSE names. Goddamn legends in their fields. Laura tells him to reach for the stars.
After the aforementioned “twelve” hours pass, Laura asks Eddie how he did in his interview for the produce job. He tells her that when he was spraying down the vegetables, the hose got away from him. He soaked two customers and knocked down his boss, Mr. Fukumoto. For once, I’m not showing my age here, because I don’t remember a time when the Japanese had a stranglehold on Big Supermarket and produce misters hadn’t been invented yet. Anyway, Eddie thinks it’s between him and two other guys for the job (way to not consider any women, Mr. Fukumoto); they’re better with the hose, but he’s the smartest. Laura can’t believe that the other two guys can even find their way to work if Eddie is the smartest of the three. Solid burn.
A week passes, and Eddie got the job! He’s sporting a new apron that reads, “Ask me about our tomatoes.” Laura obliges, and Eddie tells her that he has no idea, and wants to know why she’s asking. Carl walk in, and he congratulates Eddie on getting the job. He too asks about the tomatoes. Eddie asks why people keep asking him that. Two things:
1) This is a lazy joke.
2) Why did they do it twice? Once was enough, but if you’re going to do it again, you should do it a third time as well. Comedy rule of threes, bay-bay!
Conclusion:
The night of the reunion comes, and Carl picks up his name-tag from one of his old teachers, who’s played by the rapping grandmother from “The Wedding Singer.” He and Harriet meet a nice white couple, who decide to get divorced right in front of them. It’s a great start to the night. It’s at this point that the banner behind the stage becomes visible, and we can see that Carl’s high school mascot was the Purple Knights. Were they using the Backyard Baseball team naming system? Carl runs into the Darnells, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re ALL fatter than Carl. There was never anything to worry about! The Darnells all make jokes about how skinny Carl is. Carl wants to rehearse the song in an empty classroom, but the Darnells are all too hungry to focus on music right now. They all head to the buffet, and Carl tells Harriet that he loves her. She loves him too, even though he’s so damn skinny.
A little later, Carl and the Fat Darnells belt out a very husky version of “Do You Love Me,” in which Carl shows how much weight he’s lost by busting out “The Mashed Potato” and “The Twist.” If you recall from Episode 1.9, Carl hurt himself while showing his kids these very moves. The episode ends on this musical number.
The moral of the story: If you’re worried about being fat, don’t, because everyone else is fat too. Decent episode. Needed more Urkel.
Join me next week, when I review episode 1.16, “The Party.” PLEASE be the episode where Steve gets drunk on the roof.
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