Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.16
“The Party”
Original Air Date: February 2, 1990
Last week, Carl learned that he might be fat, but so is everyone else. Additionally, Eddie became the kingpin of the produce section of a grocery store.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
After this episode, we have less than 200 “Only Urkel Matters” columns to go! We’re flying through them, gang.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie is sitting alone on the living room couch when Steve walks in. When Eddie tells him that Laura is upstairs, Urkel says that he knows, because he just called. “Nobody slams a phone like Laura!” Steve asks Eddie if he should change his approach. Eddie suggests that Steve try dancing like Bobby Brown. Steve busts out some moves, and they’re basically the precursor to “The Carlton.” White people love when black people dance like white people. Eddie tricks Urkel into dancing his way out the door, and is proud of how clever he is. In what is one of the funnier things to happen on this show so far, Urkel somehow makes his way around the house, through the kitchen door, and back into the living room, all with his eyes closed, and all while dancing. That all happens off-screen, but my beautiful brain delights in imagining it. Steve yells, “Hey Eddie! I think I got it!” Eddie, having had full confidence in his deception, reacts like Urkel just pinned the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
(Family Matters)
(WWE)
The Introduction:
Carl is in the living room, practicing his “roast” for his brother’s fortieth birthday party. His structure and execution are terrible, and it’s clear that he’s going to bomb. His own mother doesn’t even understand that he’s telling jokes, and not just flat-out insulting her eldest son. He explains that he’s making fun of Darryl, and that there are no hard feelings. Carl also reminds Estelle that Darryl roasted him on his birthday. Estelle says, “Yeah, but his jokes were funny.” Carl asks Harriet if she thought his jokes were funny, and she placates him for a moment before telling him that they should go say goodbye to their kids.
Eddie is in the kitchen, preparing to cook dinner for himself, Laura, and Judy. He tells his parents that he has everything under control. Carl tells Judy and Laura that while he and Harriet are gone, Eddie is in charge. Laura asks him to consider that idea for a moment. To be honest, she’s way more mature than Eddie is, and she’s the logical choice to be put in charge. Eddie is easy to manipulate (as we’ll find out). Carl only gives Eddie one rule: no friends can come over while he and Harriet are gone. Eddie tells him not to worry, because he only wants his shitty friend Rodney to come over, and he knows that Carl doesn’t mean Rodney. Carl tells him that he ESPECIALLY means Rodney. Rachel comes downstairs with a heavy suitcase, and Carl and Harriet are confused, because they’re only going out for one night. Rachel tells them that she packed the essentials for Ritchie to leave with her sitter, and lists a blanket, rubber duckie, and pajamas, none of which are heavy. Carl is clearly struggling with the suitcase, too. What the hell is in there? Rachel is concerned about being away from her baby overnight for the first time. I guess she never stayed overnight at Alan’s house. Poor Alan. All that effort, and they never did the dirty. Carl, Harriet, Rachel, and Estelle head out for the party.
Eddie’s Story:
Eddie pulls a meatloaf out of the oven, and he burnt the shit out of it. It legitimately just looks like he cooked a rock. There’s a knock on the door, and a shitty little fucker yells out, “Pizza man!” This is Rodney. He brought pizza over because he heard Eddie was cooking, and he rightfully knew that Eddie would screw it up. Laura warns Eddie that Carl said no friends could come over, but Eddie points out that without Shitty Rodney, they don’t have an edible dinner. Laura acknowledges this, and they let Rodney in. Eddie tells Rodney that as soon as they’re done with dinner, he’ll have to leave. Rodney compares Eddie’s meatloaf to his mother’s. It makes sense that Rodney’s mom can’t cook, because she also can’t raise non-shitty children.
A little while later, they’re finishing up with the pizza, and there’s a knock at the door. Rodney says, “they’re here.” Eddie asks him who he means, and Shitty Rodney tells him that he met some people at the pizzeria. Eddie tells him that he can’t imagine the type of people who would be talking to him at the pizzeria (fair point, Rodney is the worst), but that they aren’t coming in, and Rodney is going out. He opens the door, and two average looking girls are standing there, which to a sixteen-year-old boy is like two gals from the Playboy Mansion showing up on his doorstep. One of the girls (the black one, can’t have any interracial stuff going on this early into the nineties) says, “You must be Eddie. You’re even cuter than Rodney said.” I run down Rodney a lot, but a teenager having the confidence to call another teen of the same sex, “cute” shows that he is very comfortable in his sexuality in his young age. The white girl, who has insanely huge hair and is wearing what appears to be a bathrobe, suggests that they watch the new Janet Jackson video.
Maybe she brought it over for Waldo. (Family Matters)
Rodney guides the girls into the living room, while Eddie loudly thanks God for delivering him this opportunity to disappoint a young woman. Laura says, “If you’re having friends over, then I’m having friends over,” and heads to the phone. Judy, meanwhile, immediately starts to blackmail Eddie, which, as we all know, eventually gets her killed.
Rodney and the interracial ladies (great band name) are trying to set up the VCR so they can watch the music video, when the doorbell rings. It’s a twenty-five-year-old black man, posing as high school student named Lamar. Rodney daps him up, and when Lamar tells him that he brought a few friends, Rodney says, “Mi casa es su casa, dude,” which is Latin for, “I’m the worst person on the goddamn planet, dude.” About ten guys walk in, completely changing the vibe from, “sexual stuff is about to go down” to “horrible, horrible, sausage fest.” Laura and Eddie come in the room and are understandably upset, right as Laura’s friend Penny (FKA “Not Maxine”) walks in, complaining that it’s all over town that her best friend is having a party, and she didn’t even get an invite. Eddie insists that it’s not a party, and even when the average looking black girl starts dancing up on him, he continues to maintain that there is not a party going on. I have to say, I’m pretty much on his side. The only thing he did wrong was let Rodney in the house, and the only reason he did that was so his little sisters could eat a meal. Everything that happened after that was Rodney’s fault.
Later in the night, the party has grown exponentially, and there’s a douchey white kid dancing front and center with a bowl of popcorn in his hand. He’s trying to eat the popcorn and dance at the same time, and ninety percent of it ends up on the floor. Eddie is on the ground with a Dustbuster trying to clean up after him, and it’s a hilarious sight. This is the most 90’s episode of TV that I’ve seen in a WHILE. If Cory Matthews walked in with his jean jacket on, we’d have full Voltron. Lamar is standing at the door (bouncing, I guess?) talking to yet another average looking gal with a dumb hat on, when Urkel walks in. NOW it’s a party. Lamar asks Urkel if he has any girls with him, and Steve tells him “Sure, in my back pocket.” He’s got a set on him, that’s for sure. I’m telling you, Urkel fucks. Steve greets Eddie, but after seeing Laura, shouts “My princess” across the room at her. He legit dances over to her, and it’s hysterical, as always. Laura walks away, so Steve tries to go after her (still dancing, of course) and accidentally bumps into a bully, who throws him onto a couch filled with people. The Family Matters universe has like seven total good people in it, and everyone else is a dirtbag. Eddie is still trying to vacuum, when in walks Waldo Heraldo Faldo, one of those seven good people, and maybe my second favorite behind Steve (I’m a big fan of Looney, hard to say if he’s better than Waldo or not). This is the first time he and Eddie ever met, and spoiler alert, they will eventually become best friends. Also of note is the fact that he has just showered at the Winslow house DURING THE PARTY. Waldo tells Eddie that the water pressure is wiggety-wiggety-wack (keeping it 90’s, bay-bay!) Judy appears and snaps the following picture:
(Family Matters)
When Eddie asks her what she’s doing, Judy replies that she’s gathering more evidence for the blackmail. Eddie laments his luck to Laura, who, because she is the true leader of the Winslow children, tells him to stay cool. As long as there isn’t a fight, she tells him, everything will be okay. Obviously, a fight breaks out in the kitchen at that exact moment, and Shitty Rodney comes in the living room, jumps on the couch (which has taken an unnecessary amount of abuse during this episode) and yells, “Fight! Fight in the kitchen!”
We go to the kitchen, and there is indeed a fight that seems moments from breaking out. Two football players from different high schools are arguing over a touchdown from a recent game. Urkel, because he’s way more of a man than Eddie is, steps in to break up the fight. Urkel tells them that the fight is unnecessary, because that play wasn’t what decided the championship. In his opinion, the game was blown by a free safety who had done a terrible job of covering his man for the whole game. Unfortunately for Steve, that free safety is one of the guys who is arguing. That guy tosses Urkel at the guy he was arguing with, and tells him to stuff Urkel somewhere. The guy inexplicably does his bidding, even though they were seconds away from blows a moment earlier. As he’s carried into the living room, Steve tells Laura that he’ll call her. What. A. Stud. The second Urkel is gone, the two guys are back at each other’s throats, and they decide to play that down over again. In the Winslow’s house. With Harriet’s gravy bowl. These guys are terrible fucking humans. Of course, they toss the bowl right through a window.
Carl’s Story:
Carl is driving Rachel, Estelle and Harriet, and he pulls to a stop on a dirt road. He cuts the engine, and pulls out a napkin, which he claims is a map that was drawn for him by a man at a taco stand. Estelle tells him to just admit he’s lost, but after looking at the map for a moment, Carl proclaims that they should be in Sheboygan in half an hour. Unfortunately, the car won’t start, which is Carl’s own fault, since it’s apparently freezing cold outside. I know this because when he says that he’s going to walk to a gas station, she tells him that he can’t, because it’s “freezing cold outside.” I’m a detective. Why would you ever cut the engine in this scenario? You’d want to maintain the heat, and there’s no way a man says to himself, “The three women in this car (to include an elderly woman) won’t care if I turn this heat off for a few minutes.” Carl asks Harriet if she’d like to walk with him, and she simply hands him a flashlight and rolls up the window, trying to maintain the heat as much as possible.
It’s been quite a while since Carl left on his two-mile walk, so the Winslow women are getting worried about him. Rachel starts talking about a story she read about ugly people that live in the woods and prey on out-of-town tourists that break down on the highway, “The Hills Have Eyes” style. At the climax of her story, Carl arrives, pressing his face against the window like a weirdo, scaring the living shit out of his family. Harriet realizes it’s him, and lets him in. Carl tells them that the gas station was closed, but that he used the emergency highway phone to let the highway patrol that they are there. Unfortunately, the description he gave to the patrol was that they were broken down under the Highway 180 sign, and they are actually under the Highway 130 sign.
It’s been two hours, and Carl is starting to get really annoyed that the highway patrol hasn’t come for them yet. Harriet is tired of waiting, so she gets out of the car, determined to do something about it. Carl is a good, albeit dumb man, so he follows her. Harriet notices that the highway sign says 130 on it, and Carl is embarrassed. He makes Harriet promise to not tell Rachel and Estelle, because he hates looking foolish in front of his mother. The second they’re back in the car, Harriet tells them what happened. Carl says, “Boy, Harriet, they really had to beat that out of you, didn’t they?” All of a sudden, a flash of light appears, and Rachel thinks it’s a UFO, because reasons. It’s the highway patrol, and Carl, a respected police officer, has to admit to a highway patrolman that not only did they break down in the middle of nowhere, but they shouldn’t have been there in the first place. This whole ordeal has been a real slice of humble pie for him.
Conclusion:
Moments after the gravy bowl incident, Eddie and Laura make their way back into the living room, where the little twats that weren’t interested in the fight have begun to silly string each other. Why is there so much silly string readily available on this show? Eddie is just plain miserable, and Laura tells him that they’re in this together, no matter what. The door opens, and Carl, Harriet, Rachel, and Estelle come home. A hush comes over the party, and Laura takes the opportunity to flip on Eddie, saying, “It was all his fault!” A crash comes from the kitchen, and Harriet starts pushing people aside to get to the scene of the crime. It’s like that ancient Chinese proverb says: A woman can always sense when her shit is being thrown through windows.
It’s later on, and Eddie is holding a garbage bag. He’s in for a long night, because this place is a disaster. Rachel comes downstairs and lets them know that the bathtub is full of green Jell-O, and wants to know what the hell went on here. Judy tells her not to worry, because she has pictures of everything. Rachel takes Judy upstairs, and Carl and Harriet admonish Eddie and Laura for the party. It’s the standard, boiler plate “We’re really sorry,” “The rules exist for a reason” type of conversation. Carl sends the kids to bed, promising to dole out their punishments in the morning. Harriet heads off to see if she can find the rest of the bowl. Carl sits down on the couch, muttering, “What a night” sadly to himself. All of a sudden, you can hear humming coming from the couch, and Carl lifts up the cushions to find Urkel with a bag of cheeseballs in his hand. Steve says, “Party of the year, Carl. Party of the year!” and the episode ends.
Lots of good stuff in the show this week. It had just the right amount of Urkel. Also, it’s fun to watch shows from a time when every problem they had could have been fixed by the possession of a cell phone.
Join me next week when I break down episode 1.17, “The Big Fix,” which is hopefully just twenty-four minutes of Eddie cleaning up from the party.
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