Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.17
“The Big Fix”
Original Air Date: February 9, 1990
Last week, Eddie’s shitty friend Rodney threw a party at the Winslow house with absolutely no permission from any of them, and the adults almost froze to death on their way to Sheboygan.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Cold Open:
Eddie, Laura, and Judy are playing Nintendo with strange joysticks that I don’t remember existing.
(Family Matters)
Carl comes in to tell them to go to bed, because the adults are dying for it to be their turn to play. I don’t know what they intended this scene to be, but it sure wasn’t comedy.
The Introduction:
Carl is in the kitchen, trying to explain polynomials to Eddie, who is pretending that he understands. Honestly, he’s got the right idea. I graduated from high school in 2005, and this is the first time I’ve heard the word “polynomials” since then. At some point, Carl decides that the chair that he’s sitting in is wobbly, and he starts to fuck around with it. Harriet and Laura enter, and Harriet asks Eddie why his father is under the table. Carl tells her that the chair is uneven, and because she is the only one on this show that remembers what happens from moment to moment, Harriet tells him to just call the shop and have it fixed. Carl has forgotten his brief flirtation with plumbing, however, and he decides that he is the one to fix this chair. This guy lies to himself on a consistent basis. Carl goes to resume his algebra lesson with Eddie, but Eddie asks if they can be done for the night, because he’s tired. Carl agrees, since Eddie has algebra down pat anyway. Even though he’s a cop, it’s rare for Carl to be truly aware of what’s going on around him. When Carl and Harriet leave the room, Eddie tells Laura how fucked he thinks he is. If he doesn’t manage at least a “C” on his math mid-term, his mother and father aren’t going to let him go to the Prince concert. Laura suggests that he get Steve Urkel to tutor him, and Eddie says that he’d rather eat worms. Laura tells Eddie that Urkel can help him with that, too, starting yet another vicious rumor about Steve eating things, and making me feel bad for Steve for what will be the last time this episode, and maybe ever.
Laura’s Story:
Eddie is sitting in the living room watching TV when Urkel walks in. Steve can’t believe that Eddie wants to hang out with him, and it’s kind of adorable how excited he is. Eddie tells him that he needs a tutor, but Steve is in extremely high demand this close to mid-terms. He gives Eddie a quick test to see just how much tutoring Eddie needs, and Eddie bombs it harder than anyone ever has before. Eddie tells Steve that he’ll give him anything he wants if Steve will help him, and Urkel gets an almost psychopathic gleam in his eye. It’s unsettling.
“Well, I guess I’m gonna have to fuck your sister bud!” (Family Matters)
Urkel tells Eddie, “Let’s just say that you owe me a favor” and takes Eddie’s tickets (third row) as collateral.
A few days later, Urkel walks into the kitchen as the Winslow family is enjoying a steak dinner. Urkel asks them if they’ve ever been to the slaughterhouse, and tells them that he finds it fascinating. This remark causes Carl to roll his eyes spectacularly and give up on his dinner. Steve asks Eddie if they can speak privately, and Eddie says, “Sure Urk,” and leads Steve into the living room.
The moment that Steve and Eddie enter the living room, Eddie exclaims, “I got a B!” and puts his hand up for a high-five. Urkel misses wildly, obviously, and ends up slamming into the door. Urkel brings up the matter of payment, and Eddie tells him to name his price. Steve wants Laura, on a date, this Friday night, and the terms are non-negotiable. I know I was young in the 90’s, but this was already considered a piece of shit move back then, right? Eddie tells the Urkster to be reasonable (and even used the term “Urkster”), but Urkel stands his ground.
Later, Eddie tries to convince Laura that going on a date with Steve would be a good idea, and she basically laughs in his face, so Eddie comes clean about his debt to Steve. She tells him that he’s out of his mind if he thinks that she would ever agree to that. Eddie insists that he can’t go back on his word, so Laura tells him that he should have promised something he’d have a better chance of delivering, like a ride on the space shuttle. (Spoiler Alert: Steve will end up getting that too)
Later, Laura asks the adults if they ever went on a date with someone just because they felt bad for them. Harriet asks her how she thinks that she met Carl (solid burn), and then Rachel and Estelle both describe their worst first dates. Estelle’s is the more notable one, as she went out with some pathetic chicken farmer (her words, not mine; I have a tremendous amount of respect for our farming population) simply because it was the Great Depression and she needed a meal. This old bag is a survivor. Carl asks Laura who she’s talking about, and when he finds out that it’s Urkel, he says, “That’s not a mercy date, that’s a Lord have mercy date.” Terrible joke, especially since he pronounced Lord, “lawd.” Estelle, who is an Urkel mark like myself, says that Steve is a fine choice to go on a date with, and that if she was a few years younger, she’d give Laura a run for her money. Laura asks her if she’d like a head start, and then they hug, presumably to celebrate how good of a joke that was.
That evening, Steve walks through the front door and asks Eddie what time he should pick up Laura for their date on Friday. Eddie breaks the news to Urkel that Laura has said no, and calls him “Urkman,” in the process, which I love. The more nicknames they give Steve the better, because I get bored of writing the same name over and over. Steve wonders who he should take to the Prince concert: one of the guys from the chess club, or his allergist, Dr. Wu? Goddamn, this child is sad. Laura comes downstairs, and in a moment of pure selflessness, tells Steve that she’ll go on the date. He isn’t allowed to touch her, though, and he can’t tell anyone about this “non-date.” She hands him a contract, which he is so excited to sign that accidentally throws about nine pens at it, knocking it off the table. Instead of picking it back up, he signs it on the floor, which got a small laugh from me.
On the day of her date, Laura comes downstairs in a hood. Carl makes a Phantom of the Opera joke, and it’s not very funny. Urkel comes in through the back door in a suit and tie. He’s also carrying flowers and some chocolates. Right before he greets Laura, someone in the audience wolf whistles, and they leave it in for some reason. I noticed this on my second viewing, it’s crazy subtle. Steve immediately drops the chocolates, and some of them break on the floor, bringing our new “Shit Urkel Broke” number to three. He also drops the flowers, which I’ll count as well, bringing the tally to four. The Urkman tells Laura that their Limo awaits, and Harriet can’t believe that Steve rented a limo for her very-not-into-him daughter. She’s right to be skeptical, because it’s actually a Hearse, and they have to make a drop-off before their date. Fantastic joke. I like imagining Steve and Laura sitting in the back of the limo with a corpse. Steve backs into the door on the way out, knocking down one item (couldn’t tell what it was) and causing another (a bronze figurine of a horse) to hang into the doorway. Steve apologizes to the item on the ground (the second time he’s apologized to an inanimate object in this series), and tries to leave, but the door keeps slamming into the horse until Carl finally slams and locks the door. That horse is absolutely fucked up, and likely was before Carl slammed the door, so I’m counting it as Steve breaking something, bringing the new SUB (Shit Urkel Broke) Total to five.
(Get it, “subtotal?” God, I’m clever.)
Steve and Laura arrive at a fancy restaurant, and the Urkster checks in with the host as “Dr. and Mrs. Urkel.” Laura hits him, violating her own contract. Steve tells her that he was just practicing. Urkel sweeps his arm towards the table like he’s the goddamn ringleader of a circus, smacking some poor older gentleman in the dome in the process.
Urkel falls when he tries to sit down, and there’s really just never been anyone quite like Jaleel White when it comes to pratfalls. The guy’s a legend. The maître d' attempts to give Steve and Laura menus, but Urkel has already ordered ahead, a real “power move.” Urkel is already trying to cultivate an abusive relationship. Since the order was in French, Laura asks what it was that he ordered. When the Urkster calmly tells her, “frog legs,” Laura does a spit take, and all hell breaks loose. Steve goes to check on her, and bumps into a waiter, who bumps into another waiter. In the end, a tray of glasses and a tray of plates go crashing onto the ground. Since it’s impossible to tell how many of these things broke, I will count them each as one, bringing our new SUB total to seven. Steve says, “I hope their food is better than their service” because he’s completely unaware of who has caused what to happen, and immediately knocks over another glass. This one doesn’t break.
Later in the evening, Urkel has been mowing down on the frog legs like the restaurant is going out of business. He asks Laura if she wants Dessert, but she says no, because every time they get another course, he moves closer to her. Steve says that he can’t help it, because he’s drawn to her, “like a moth to a flame, a bee to a blossom, a mouse to cheese.” The Urkman isn’t helping himself with those mouse rumors much here. Laura asks for the check, but then admits that the date hasn’t been that bad. What are her fucking standards? He’s completely botched everything since the beginning of the date! Makes you wonder what Mark (Two completely different “Mark” links! I spoil you guys) did to lower her standards so far down. Steve asks for a kiss on the cheek, and Laura correctly points out that this, too is a breach of contract. Urkel plays the sad, puppy-dog role and says, “Why should you lower yourself…just because it would mean the world to me?” She rolls her eyes, and he remarks that he’s peaked at thirteen. PATHETIC. Gentleman, if you act like this, you will never (EVER) get out of the friend zone. Laura begrudgingly gives in to his fuckery, and Urkel starts bobbing up and down excitedly. Is he orgasming? HARD to tell. At the exact moment that Laura kisses his cheek, Ernie Urkel (Steve’s uncle) snaps a photo of them together. STEVE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT. Laura angrily runs out of the restaurant, and Urkel, in his haste to catch her, forgets that he is tucked into the table for some reason, and everything on it smashes to the ground. I counted two broken glasses, two plates, and salt and pepper shakers that have broken, meaning that the new SUB total is thirteen. He’s really adding to that total, isn’t he? Steve says, “Bonjour” to the host, and then leaves. I looked it up, and Bonjour is used to say “goodbye” primarily in Quebec. Quebec is nowhere near Chicago, so what the hell is going on here? Is Steve from Quebec?
Judy’s Story:
Judy, Estelle, and Rachel are working on Judy’s history project together. Judy and Estelle are doing a good job, but Rachel is doing terrible at her portion (building a log cabin out of popsicle sticks), which Estelle points out in her sassy old black lady way. Judy tells Rachel that she needs to hurry up, because they’re falling behind schedule because of her. Rachel says she’s almost done, and Estelle says that it took the pioneers less time to build an actual cabin, drawing an involuntary laugh out of me. Urkel walks in, and Rachel asks him if it’s ever occurred to him that the reason the door is closed is to keep unwanted people outside. Even the adults are only half-heartedly trying to get him to knock at this point. Steve naturally assumes that she’s not talking about him, so he locks the door, which is hilarious. Estelle, who I forgot was Steve’s number one fan, says that he’s such a thoughtful child. Steve compliments the diorama, except for the log cabin, which he describes as pitiful.
A few days later, Carl toasts the children, who all did well on their mid-terms. Judy especially did well, as her diorama received top marks. Rachel asks how the teacher liked her log cabin, and Judy tells her that she loved it, because Judy set the cabin on fire and called it an Indian attack. We all know how much teachers in the 90’s loved racism and arson.
Carl’s Story:
After the toast written about above, Carl oddly remains standing. Laura asks him why he doesn’t sit down, and Harriet says that he doesn’t have a chair to sit in. Estelle asks him how his chair is coming along, and Carl tells her that with any luck, he’ll be sitting by breakfast. Honestly, is it any wonder that this show becomes predominantly about Urkel? We’re not even at the end of the first season, and we’ve already had two episodes about first dates and two episodes about Carl not being very handy.
The next day, Carl comes into the kitchen all excited, because he finished the chair. It’s still not even, though, and Carl ends up leaning backwards. Harriet congratulates him on making it into a recliner.
A few days later, Carl is vigorously sanding the legs to the chair. Harriet tells him that it’s taking him forever to finish the chair, and Carl asks her if she wants it fast, or she wants it good. (That’s what he said) Estelle says that Carl doesn’t have a shot either way. A solid burn there. I love when Estelle gets these kinds of lines, she really executes them well.
Conclusion:
On the night of Laura’s date, Carl is drinking coffee and sitting in a chair with tiny legs. It is even, so I guess he kind of accomplished his goal. Laura comes in, and Carl asks her how her date went. Laura, after a brief beat to acknowledge that her father is sitting in a tiny chair, says that it was the most humiliating night of her life. This will not be the last time she says this regarding her time with Steve. Eddie asks her how the food was. What a dick. Your sister just spent the night being sexually manipulated by an all-time creepy dork, and you’re gonna sass her like that? Carl tells her that someday she’ll look back on the night and laugh. Eddie tells her that he’s going to bring her to the Prince concert, because it’s LITERALLY THE LEAST HE CAN DO AFTER PROSTITUTING HIS SISTER. Rachel tells Laura that the bright side is that Steve will probably leave her alone for a while now, because she’s never met a single man, I guess? Most men, when given an inch, will try to take a mile. Anyway, the phone rings four second later, and it’s Steve, of course. Since this is the 1990’s, Family Matters is contractually obligated to make a “You’ve reached the Winslow family. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!” joke. This has never been funny. Steve thinks he’s on the answer machine, so he starts rambling on about how Laura’s his girlfriend now and many other extremely alarming things. That is the end of this episode.
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