Only Urkel Matters, Episode 1.18
“Sitting Pretty”
Original Air Date: February 23, 1990
Last week, Urkel manipulated Eddie into convincing Laura to pity-date him, because Urkel is secretly a piece of garbage.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Urkel walks in through the back door and presents Laura with the opportunity of a lifetime: he’s got two tickets to the Greater Chicago Rock and Mineral show. Laura hides her lady-boner and tells Steve that she’s busy. When Steve tells her that he never told her when the event was taking place, she’s like, “Fair enough, I’m busy forever, jerk.” Steve then tries to get Eddie to accompany him, but Eddie is “allergic to rocks.” Eddie is the kind of person who thinks he’s super clever, but is actually the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. He seems destined for a military career. Steve moves on to Judy, who doesn’t even try to come up with an excuse and just says, “Pass.” This might be what causes Steve to join the conspiracy to murder her. Finally, Little Ritchie comes walking in through the kitchen door (which I didn’t even know he could do), and we cut to the main credits as Steve tries to convince an infant to go to a fucking rock exhibit with him.
Carl’s Story:
Carl walks into the living room from the kitchen, and he’s worried about paperwork that he has to do for the new police captain. This guy is a stickler for the rules and demands neatness (a real Captain Holt type), so Carl thinks he should put the paperwork in a folder, or a binder, or a new car. Mother Winslow tells him that no one likes a kiss-up. I haven’t heard “kiss-up” in a while. “Kiss-ass” makes more sense. What are you kissing upwards towards? The taint? Anyway, Harriet tells Carl that his record is spotless, but Carl, a realist, knows that when you get a new boss, what you’ve done before doesn’t matter anymore. Harriet tells him to take him to lunch, but Captain Davenport thinks lunch is a waste of time. Estelle points out that this means that he and Carl have nothing in common. Good burn.
Carl is in the kitchen with a fishing rod, practicing both fishing and ass-kissing. He actually tries to cast the rod inside his home, while also saying, OUT LOUD, “No sir, Captain Davenport, there’s nothing I enjoy more than fishing, except of course working for you.” God damn. He catches his hook on the kitchen curtain, and instead of turning around to see what he’s caught on, he tugs and tugs until it comes off. Harriet, who was walking in through the backdoor when all of this started, asks Carl if he’d like her to fry the curtain or throw it back. Carl explains his plan to take Captain Davenport fishing. Harriet wants to know why Carl can’t just talk to his boss at work. Neither of them understand how to politic, but at least Carl knows that it’s something he SHOULD know how to do.
Carl has invited the Captain over for dinner, and Harriet is perturbed that he’s just telling her now. We don’t know what time of day this is going on, but I assume that it’s very late in the day for Harriet to have to plan a meal.
Laura’s Story:
Laura walks in through the front door, and she’s exhausted. She’s been babysitting the Murphy twins, and as you can imagine, they’re terrible. She decides that to ease her suffering, she’s going to start a babysitting service. Her plan is to pay these girls to babysit for her, based on her reputation and recommendations, and take 10% off the top. Apparently, she learned a bit from her brother prostituting her last week, but instead of providing dates, she is going to provide babysitters.
A few days later, Laura has started her business. Unfortunately, the teenage girls that she’s coerced to do her bidding have all flaked on her. Eddie explains to her that Paula Abdul (who has the ability to make Eddie go comatose with lust) has come to town for a surprise concert, and everyone in town wants to go. Laura assumes that the seating is limited, but Eddie tells her that the concert is at Soldier Field, which holds 65,000 people.
Laura’s best friend Penny walks in the front door towing along two children. She tells Laura that though it hurts her to do this to her BFF, but she’s going to that fucking concert and Laura can go screw. Eddie, who was apparently supposed to babysit Little Ritchie, tells Laura that he’ll see her later. He’s got a date, and he’s VERY confident that it’s going to be a good night. Laura tells him that if he leaves, she’ll tell their parents about the “ugly incident” that happened at school last week. It’s obvious that she’s bluffing, but Eddie apparently has done enough shady shit within the last week to not be sure, so he agrees to stay. When he’s out of earshot, Laura admits to Judy that she had nothing on Eddie.
A few hours later, there are kids EVERYWHERE, and they’re causing a huge ruckus. Eddie has had enough, so he finally calls Laura’s bluff. He doesn’t remember doing anything at school that she could blackmail him with. She knows her brother though, so she says, “Are you forgetting about that incident with Rodney?” Great bluff. Shitty Rodney is the WORST, and there’s no way he didn’t do anything in the last week that would get Eddie in trouble by association. Eddie should never play poker with Laura, because she’d take everything. Steve Urkel walks in through the front door (he has a real knack for knowing which door to walk through to give him access to the most Winslows at one time), and Laura is actually glad to see him. When he hears this, Urkel basically blows a load in his pants, and asks her if she wants to make out. Subtle. She sends him towards the bathroom, where one of the kids is playing in the toilet for some reason. On his way there, the Urkman trips headfirst into a playpen. His legs dangle upwards, and it’s hilarious, obviously.
(Family Matters)
Rachel’s Story:
Yes, there’s three simultaneous stories this week, and they all converge at the end of the episode! The writers must really be firing on all cylinders. Anyway, Rachel comes through the front door, and there’s a man following her. Don’t be alarmed, he was her date for the evening. As usual, he looks like a creep, with a wispy little mustache on his face. She certainly has a type. She shuts the door on him, and tells her that she had a great time. He tells her that it’s still early, and asks her to invite him inside for coffee. What a beta-ass bitch. Read the signs, creep. She tells him that the family doesn’t drink coffee, and slams the door shut. Estelle doesn’t even wait for the poor bastard to be out of earshot before she loudly says, “Another loser, huh Rachel?” Rachel replies that she likes Wispy Mustache guy (Whose name is revealed to be Jeff). Carl wonders why she didn’t invite her inside, and then does the weirdest humpback impersonation to imply that she’s embarrassed by the family.
Borderline Offensive. (Family Matters)
The truth is, Rachel hasn’t told the creepy fucker that she has a son yet. She doesn’t want to scare him off, because the last time she told someone about Little Ritchie, she had to take the bus home. She really needs to pick better quality men. Estelle says that at her age, the bus ride is the highlight of the date. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
Later, Rachel is having trouble picking out a dress (again), so she asks Harriet which one a man would like. When Harriet suggests the low-cut dress, Rachel gets annoyed, telling her sister that she just wants her for her body. Weird.
On the night of her date, Rachel comes downstairs extremely frazzled. She went with the low-cut dress, because after all, she DOES have a slamming body. However, she’s so panicked that she thinks she’s wearing the other one. Rachel wants Laura’s advice on how to break the news of her son to Jeff, but she is so out of sorts that she never lets her answer. She tries to leave, but Laura advises her not to bring Little Ritchie if she doesn’t want Jeff to know about her son right away. Rachel hands Laura the baby and then leaves.
Conclusion:
Strap in, gang, this is going to be a long one. All of the plot points converge at this point, and we’re only about halfway through the episode.
Later that evening, Carl and Harriet come running through the back door carrying groceries, and they’ve only got twenty minutes to prepare a meal. Carl complains about this, even though it’s his own damn fault. A little white boy, decked head to toe in camouflage, runs down the stairs.
I fucking hate this little boy. (Family Matters)
He’s got dog tags dangling from his neck, which makes me want to punch him in his little dumb face. Put that shit in your shirt, you little jerk! He’s also wearing a bandanna and carrying a dart gun, which he points it Carl, asking, “Friend or foe?!” Carl wants to know who he is, and this little bastard says, “Your worst nightmare!” and shoots Carl right between the eyes. I have to admit, his accuracy is impressive. The little fucker runs into the living room, and Carl and Harriet give chase, only to discover the chaos that is Laura’s babysitting service.
Carl and Harriet are like, “What the heck?” and Laura explains that all of her sitters cancelled on her. Estelle walks in through the front door and takes her hockey stick back from one of the kids. Why does an old lady own a hockey stick? I like to think that she’s a dominant winger in a sixty-plus league. Carl sees his promotion going up in flames, so he starts to panic, but Harriet keeps her cool and divides the kids into groups: toddlers with Mother Winslow, kids over seven to Eddie’s room, and she splits the rest up among Laura and Judy. They rush all the kids upstairs, and Harriet shares her hopes that Captain Davenport just won’t notice what’s going on. No need to be honest with your guest, guys, definitely lie. Urkel comes out of Estelle’s room with goggles on (hilarious).
You could dress him in literally anything and I would just smile and nod. (Family Matters)
On his way to greet Carl and Harriet, Steve trips over the same playpen that he did earlier, but stays upright this time. True to form, he says, “excuse me” to the pen, which is the third time that he’s apologized to an inanimate object. After taking the goggles off, Urkel reports that the Murphy twins have destroyed Mother Winslow’s water bed.
A short time later, Carl is trying to quickly clean up the mess in the living room. That Rambo little shit from before comes running into the room and says, “Halt! Who goes there?” I think he has actual military training. Harriet rushes the little asshole upstairs, and Carl mocks the child. The little bastard turns and fires a dart at Carl, again hitting him right between the eyes. Does he grow up to be Chris Kyle? I don’t know, they never say what his name is. The doorbell rings, and Captain Davenport is here. Carl welcomes him into his home, and ushers him inside. Carl tries to make small talk, but the Captain is having none of it. Harriet feels awkward so she leaves to check on dinner. Carl somehow gets even worse at small talk, but he’s saved from a crash in the kitchen. Carl tries to explain it away as Harriet cutting through the calves of a lamb (?), and he heads into the kitchen to see what happened.
Urkel is on the kitchen table, getting silly-stringed. For the love of God, where does all this silly-string come from? Somebody in the writer’s room was like, “I know what the people want, and the people want silly-string!” Carl comes in and yells “Hey!” five times, which you think would alert Captain Davenport. Urkel thanks Carl for rescuing him, because he didn’t want to have to rough with the kiddos. The problem child menacingly says, “Oh, yeah?” and a terrified Urkel jumps into Carl’s arms. Laura comes downstairs and says, “If I ever mention babysitting again, just kill me.” Laura comes up with legitimately good ideas to make money roughly twice a month, and abandons them at the first sign of adversity. Steve sees Laura and instead of being embarrassed that he’s in Carl’s arms, tells her that Carl was showing him how to carry her over the threshold. My God, what a ballsy line. If this was a sitcom these days, Carl would have dropped the kid on his ass (or if it was a sitcom just a few years later, thrown his ass out the door). As it stands, he gingerly places Steve onto his feet. Urkel is immediately chased up the stairs by the pack of wild children. Carl realizes that almost everyone who is supposed to be watching the kids is already in the kitchen, so he wonders who’s watching the other half of the children who weren’t chasing Steve. At the same time, they all come to the realization that the answer is “no one” (fantastic facial acting by the cast here), and rush into the living room to check on Captain Davenport.
The Captain is, quite literally, tied up. He’s been bound hand and foot by the children, who are now mercilessly beating him with foam bats. Carl rescues him, but the Captain is annoyed with him for “ruining the game.” Are you telling me this guy said to a group of children, “Why don’t you tie me up and beat me with bats?” Kind of a weird thing to want. Captain Davenport tells Carl that he loves kids, then leads ALL of the children in a game of “chase me with bats.” Carl is stoked.
Later, on the Magical Porch That Fixes Everything, Rachel is walked to the back door by her date, Wispy Mustache Jeff. She invites him in, but tells him that she has something to tell him first. Wispy Mustache Jeff is concerned that she might be married, and it seems like he’s ready to tell her off if that’s the case. This makes me like Wispy Mustache Jeff more. She explains that she’s a mother, and invites him in to meet her son. When they enter the kitchen, that punk-ass Rambo kid comes flying down the stairs, being chased by the rest of the children. He gets silly-stringed, and Wispy Mustache Jeff gets caught in the crossfire. He panics, and asks Rachel if those are her kids, but she assures him that none of them are. Laura brings Little Ritchie in through the kitchen door, and hands him to Rachel as she heads outside to stop the Murphy twins from giving each other haircuts. Wispy Mustache Jeff meets Ritchie, everything is grand.
Back in the living room, Captain Davenport is thanking Carl for a wonderful evening. Carl thanks him, and calls him sir. Captain Davenport tells him to call him Casper off-duty. Carl thinks it’s weird that his name is Casper, but holds back his reaction until after Casper has left. To Carl it’s weirder that a black man has a very white name than it is for any man to enjoy being beaten by children. Harriet and Laura come in through the kitchen door, and Harriet tells her to focus on being a kid, instead of a business tycoon. I don’t agree with this parenting advice. The advice here should have been, “don’t give up on things after the slightest hiccup.” I shouldn’t be surprised. This family LOVES quitting things. (RIP Mickey) Carl and Harriet head to the kitchen to start cleaning up yet ANOTHER giant mess, but before they can get through the door, Carl gets hit between the eyes with a dart again. I was fully expecting it to be that horrible little military brat, but instead it’s Estelle, which got a huge laugh from me, and also ends the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 1.19, “In a Jam.” Probably another episode about the Winslow family trying to start a business together.
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