Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.1

“Rachel’s Place”

Original Air Date: September 21, 1990

The season one finale of Family Matters saw the Winslows make an incredibly cringey music video, and Shitty Rodney had his shitty last stand.

 If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here. 

Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram now! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!)

Theme Song:

The theme song stays the same long version that spanned all of season one, but with three notable changes:

1)  Joseph Julius Wright (now Julius Wright) was replaced as Ritchie by Bryton McClure (now Bryton James).  I imagine that the producers of the show decided that having a baby was getting boring and they wanted a little kid who could say cute things from time to time.  The solution was to age Little Ritchie three years between the first and second season.

2)  Eddie and Laura have updated turn and smiles (which is the phrase I use in my head when a character in the main titles is doing something, realizes the camera is on them, turns, and [you guessed it] smiles) to account for their rapid maturity between the first and second seasons.  But the producers also left scenes from last year in there, so who knows what they’re trying to do?

3)  Steven Q. Urkel has graduated from recurring guest star to the main cast.   There are also a few shots of him doing things with the Winslow family.

It’s going to be fun watching how these title cards change from season to season, as the show becomes about Urkel more and more.

The Story:

There’s no cold open this week, so we jump right into the main story.  Rachel is sitting in the kitchen, paying close attention to something in the newspaper, when Mother Winslow comes out in a tennis outfit.  So, for those of you keeping track, this elderly woman plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, and beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, as she tells Rachel she’s about to do.  I hope to be as spritely as Estelle when I reach her age.  After this short exchange, Estelle leaves.  Harriet comes in with a bundle of groceries, and we’re officially welcomed to season two of Family Matters, the Mullet Season:

(Family Matters)

 Harriet ditched her blowout from the previous season, and somehow found herself with an even more egregious haircut.  Don’t worry, she isn’t the only one who mulleted up.  Rachel grabs a bag from her and shuts the door, leaving Carl (who also is carrying a lot of bags) to have to let himself in.  They have a discussion about how their food bills are astronomical, which makes sense, considering how many mouths they have to feed.  Rachel tells them that she has been looking for a job, but they’re all crappy.  One of them is particularly strange: a shy man is looking for a lady who shares a love of pie toppings.  Harriet tells Rachel that she should only get a job if it challenges her, and Rachel tells her not to worry, because it seems impossible to get a job.  Laura comes in through the back door (which Carl left open and she too doesn’t bother to shut) and guess what?  She got a job.  She’s the new waitress at Leroy’s.  Harriet and Carl are a little skeptical, because she’s only fourteen, and she has a bunch of responsibilities as it is.  Laura proposes a deal to them: she’ll work there for a month, and if they think she’s slipping in any way, she’ll quit the job.  In the end, Harriet signs Laura’s work permit, which she needs because she isn’t sixteen yet.  Rachel half-jokingly asks her if there’s any more jobs available at Leroy’s, and at that moment, Steve Urkel comes frolicking through the open door and tells them her that there aren’t, because he just got the last one.  He was following Laura, naturally, and when he heard her ask Leroy for a job, he waited until she left and then did the same.  Laura tells him to go home, and then goes into the living room.  Rachel can’t believe that even Steve Urkel has a job and she doesn’t.  Maybe it’s because he took some initiative!  Urkel tells her that his Uncle Cecil Urkel is hiring, and Rachel inquires into the nature of the job.  Urkel doesn’t know, but he knows it has something to do with pie toppings.  A very well executed joke right there.

Later, we’re at Leroy’s, and it’s absolutely hopping.  They’re doing that early nineties shitty sitcom thing where teenagers go to a restaurant and dance kind of near each other.  This one is fantastic:

(Family Matters)

 You’ve got three couples dancing reasonably close to each other, and they’re all the most interesting extras I’ve ever seen.  The first guy is trying to make a name for himself, so he’s aggressively dancing.  The second guy is dressed in overalls and is obviously very uncomfortable, so he’s looking at the first guy with more than a little disdain.  The third guy is my favorite; he clearly has no idea how to dance so he’s just making small, stiff motions and puckering up his face like a goddamn weirdo.  His partner is clearly annoyed that of all three of these guys, she got stuck with him.  All of this happens in like five seconds of screen time, but it might be my favorite five seconds in Family Matters history.  Eddie is sitting at a nearby table with his girlfriend(?) Jolene.  He asks her who is better looking, him or Tyrone (who you may remember as the guy he tried to set his sister up with in episode 1.12.  You know, the one who wouldn’t take his fucking headphones off).  Unfortunately, Eddie has a large dab of mustard on his nose, so Jolene picks Tyrone, citing the mustard as the reason.  After a brief conversation between Laura and the owner of the restaurant (who is named Leroy, gasp!), the rest of the Winslow family walk in, and Carl and Judy do a weird dance/walk up to Laura.

(Family Matters)

The family heads for a table, and Harriet grabs a napkin and wipes the mustard off of Eddie’s face, which has to be embarrassing as hell.  He deserves it though, because it’s been about a minute since Jolene told him that he had mustard on his face.  What the fuck is he waiting for?  Wipe your face, dummy.  The family asks Laura for menus, but this isn’t Laura’s table, it’s Steve’s.

(Family Matters)

A waiter would obviously never hold a plate in their mouth, especially since most of those things are piping hot, but it’s a hilarious visual.  That dropped plate brings our Shit Urkel Broke total to eight, a pretty low number that is about to grow very quickly.  Urkel takes the Winslows’ order (cheeseburgers for everyone!), and then stops to help Laura clear a table, because “hands as delicate as (hers) should never have to touch grease!”  It should be mentioned that on his way to the table, Urkel and a random waiter give each other some serious stink-eye.  Laura doesn’t want his help, and the two of them end up in tug of war that ends with Urkel shattering three plates (SUB total=11).  The Urkster grabs a broom to help clean up the mess, but the waiter who just gave Steve the side eye is on his way back to the kitchen with a tray full of milkshakes (who orders a milkshake and then doesn’t drink them?). 

(Family Matters)

He’s not watching where he’s going, so he trips over Urkel’s broom handle, and ends up dumping the milkshakes all over Eddie and Jolene.  Everyone stares at Urkel, and he asks, “Did I do that?”  The thing is, he didn’t.  It’s not Steve’s fault that this garbage waiter isn’t paying close enough attention and tripped over a very obviously placed broom handle.  The real loser of this scene is Eddie, whose date went poorly by ALL accounts.  Here’s a tip, fellas: girls don’t find you attractive if you have to ask them if you’re attractive.

A few days later, it’s pay day at Leroy’s.  Leroy hands Laura her check and tells her to keep up the good work, and then hands Urkel an envelope as well.  It’s not a paycheck, though, it’s a bill for all of the dishes he broke.  Steve’s not taking any shit, however, and he suggests that Leroy spring for some better china.  My dude.  Leroy lifts him off the ground by the collar, which is always a funny visual, and tells him that he should fire him, but he’s in a good mood and is going to cut Steve some slack.  Leroy is off to deposit a check, and Steve, still ice cold despite the threat of violence, tells him to take his time, and that maybe he can treat himself to a nice meal for a change.  Leroy rolls his eyes and leaves.  Steve hops over the counter, shattering four glasses of conveniently poured water (SUB total=15).  He tells Laura that he’s got a handle on this restaurant nonsense, and he heads back towards the kitchen.  What follows is the most important Urkeling that Urkel has done thus far, at least story-wise: 

(Family Matters)

(Family Matters)

Yes, Urkel set a restaurant on fire.  I’ll count that as only one thing that he broke, but I could count it as 800 if I wanted to.  (SUB Total=16)  He wakes up on the sidewalk and asks, “Did I do that?”  To be honest, he did do that.  He very much did.

A little bit later, Harriet arrives on the scene.

(Family Matters)

I don’t know what I find funnier, Harriet looking at the fire and then asking what’s going on, or the guy who just assumed she couldn’t tell that a building was on fire despite the clearly visible flames.  Probably the latter, because I can explain away Harriet’s reaction as a panicked mother desperately wanting more information and asking anyone near her for some.  Harriet finally spots Laura, and runs to her in a panic, mullet flapping hilariously behind her.  She is running so damn slowly, and she awkwardly tilts her head back and forth.  Jo Marie Peyton is a fantastic actor, don’t get me wrong, but between her running here and her form in the bowling episode, it seems like she’s never done anything athletic in her life.  Harriet finds Laura despite the chaos, and she runs past an open-armed Urkel to hug her.  Carl arrives shortly after, and he too shirks Urkel in favor of hugging his daughter, which is completely understandable.  What isn’t completely understandable is that Urkel’s folks never show up for him, continuing their streak of being the world’s worst parents.

Approximately one kitchen fire later, the Winslows and Urkel check out the remains of a still smoldering Leroy’s.  I understand the fire department letting Carl inside (he’s a police officer after all), but why would you let the guy who started the fire back onto the scene of the crime?  The fire inspector approaches Steve and Laura and asks them how the fire started.  They tell him what happened, and Urkel essentially admits that he thinks that he’s going to jail.  Leroy himself walks in, and tells the Winslows that he’s flipped his last burger.  He’s going to take the insurance money and maybe his wife, and he’s moving to Florida.  Steve makes a joke about Leroy having gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Steve just (metaphorically) set this man’s life on (literal) fire, and he’s still busting his balls.  Lock this fucker up.

Two weeks later, Carl and Harriet are sitting on the living room couch, looking at Steve and Rachel, who are standing next to a covered easel.  Carl wants to know what the hell they’re doing there, and Rachel answers.  She tells them they she and Steve have come up with a potential solution for all of the Winslows’ problems.  She wants to buy Leroy’s and rebuild it into her own restaurant, which will be called Rachel’s place.  She got the bank to approve a loan for her, but she’s still thousands of dollars short and would like Carl and Harriet to invest.  They take off the easel’s cover, revealing a mock-up of what Rachel’s Place could look like.  It looks like every restaurant in the entire world, but Harriet is still stunned at how beautiful it is.  Rachel and Steve give Carl and Harriet some time alone to discuss the situation.  Carl wants to help Rachel out, but Harriet is worried about giving all of Carl’s hard-earned money to her sister who quits everything at the first sign of trouble.  Carl tells Harriet that it’s not his money, it’s their money, which is a nice moment.  Too bad he’s about to ruin it.  Carl tells Harriet that they can only give Rachel a portion of the money that she needs, because he blew the rest on an investment that was suggested to him by Lieutenant Murtaugh.   This is the first mention of Murtaugh, who winds up being a hell of a recurring character on this show.  Harriet tells Carl that they will talk about him making decisions on their money without her later, and they bring Rachel back in to tell her that they don’t have enough to get her the restaurant.  Just then, a pissed-off Estelle comes in and berates them for having an investment meeting without her.  If it wasn’t for Steve, she tells them, she’d still be outside shooting hoops.  If you’re still tracking, Estelle (an elderly woman) plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, and beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis.  Mother Winslow hands Rachel a blank check, and tells her that whatever she needs, Estelle will cover it.  Carl asks her, “You have that kind of money?” and Estelle responds, “Is a frog’s butt watertight?”  I’m no amphibian expert, but Rachel hugs Estelle in victory, so I suppose that a frog’s butt is watertight.

Conclusion:

(Family Matters)

After a brief construction montage (I’m a sucker for a montage), we see that Rachel’s Place has been built, and looks ready to go.  The restaurant isn’t open yet, but there’s already four bikes in the bike rack, with two more cyclists arriving.  I’m not sure why, but Rachel’s Place seems to be a hotbed for cyclist activity.   There’s a sign that says, “Grand Opening” and underneath it stands the family, including Little Ritchie, who is also sporting a mullet.  Season Two:  Rock That Mullet!  Carl toasts Rachel (with soda of course, they’re not heathens), and Harriet toasts Estelle right afterwards.  Estelle wants to “get down with her bad self,” and she does a small dance to show them she means business.  Judy follows suit:

(Family Matters)

I’m glad to see that Judy (who didn’t have much to do in season one) has nicely settled into her new role, “poorly mimicking everyone else who dances.”  Rachel tells Estelle to hold one for just one moment, because she has one more person to toast:  Steve.  She tells them that without him, she never could have pulled this off.  What a M. Night Shyamalan style twist. It’s clear to me that Rachel and Steve planned this from the beginning.  Rachel was looking at the help wanted section of the newspaper every day, planting the idea of getting the waitressing job into Laura’s brain.  Steve, under guise of getting to work with Laura, infiltrated Leroy’s and started messing with his head, causing Leroy doubt himself and his career.  Steve, still feigning as if he was trying to win Laura’s affection, used an “accidental” grease fire to burn the place down, causing Leroy to give up completely, and making the property much less expensive to buy.  Rachel then used this “serendipitous occurrence” to appeal to the Winslows’ sense of destiny.  I’m not 100% sure that Estelle wasn’t in on it herself.  I’ll keep looking for evidence throughout season two.  The best part of this is that Family Matters played this subtly.  They don’t outright explain to you what Rachel and Steve did, they just let you figure it out on your own.  Very coy.  After the toast, Steve makes a crack about firing up the grill, and the episode ends.  What a ride.

Join me next week when I break down Episode 2.2, “Torn Between Two Lovers.”  I imagine that the plot will be centered around Steve having to decided between his first love, Laura, and his new flame (tee-hee), Rachel.

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