Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.2
“Torn Between Two Lovers”
Original Air Date: September 21, 1991
*That’s not a mistake. Episodes one and two were both aired on September 21, 1991.*
Last week, Steve and Rachel colluded to set Leroy’s on fire, with the purpose of using that arson to acquire a restaurant on the cheap.
If you’d like to catch up on an episode before you read the recap, you can watch every Family Matters on Hulu. If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
The Story:
Laura and Rachel are at the super creatively named Rachel’s Place, when a handsome young man comes strolling through the door carrying flowers. Rachel tells Laura that this is Steve Webster, the loan officer who handled her loan application. I immediately thought, “Why would they name this guy ‘Steve?’ Don’t they know that this will be confusing?” It turns out, they absolutely did know that, and this will be explained mid-way through the episode. Webster, as I’ll be calling him from here on out, brought these flowers for Rachel, who declares that they are beautiful. “They’re just weeds compared to you,” he tells her, and, unflustered, she tells Laura to go put the flowers in a weed vase. Rachel asks Webster what he’s doing there, and he tells her that he came to go over some paperwork with her. He tells her that there’s a clause in her loan application that requires her to go to dinner with the loan officer within a week of the restaurant’s opening. Webster comes across very smooth, but I have to say that I don’t care for his approach to getting a date with her. It all seems kind of shady, like he needs to bribe and trick her to get her to agree to go out with him. Rachel seems to like his tactics just fine, however, and she agrees to go out with him on Friday night.
Back at the Winslow residence, Rachel is freaking out because she can’t find New Little Ritchie. She’s about to call the cops, when this happens:
A Michelle Tanner type #adorbz (Family Matters)
That newspaper didn’t just reveal where New Little Ritchie was hiding, it also revealed the true reason behind the recasting of Little Ritchie. The producers obviously took a page out of Full House’s book, and got themselves a TGIF staple: an adorable young child who can appeal to both the young and female audiences. Maybe it’s because I don’t belong to either group anymore (aging or sex change? You decide), but this effort fell flat for me. I found NLR’s expanded role to be grating, and every time he was on the screen I was tapping my foot impatiently like Sonic the Hedgehog when you don’t move the controller for little while.
(Sega Genesis)
Harriet’s genius solution to NLR hiding on Rachel is to buy Rachel an intercom system. Of course, the reason Rachel couldn’t find NLR is because he wasn’t making any noise, so this will not help her at all. There’s also eight people living in the house, you would think they’d be able to keep an eye out for a child (who at the time that he was “missing” was safely sitting on a couch with his uncle/father figure). Rachel tells Carl and Harriet to entertain Steve if he shows up before she’s ready (because they did such a great job of this with Alan), and then heads upstairs.
Back at Rachel’s Place, Rachel runs into Urkel, who just finished organizing the freezer. He was in there without a jacket, and didn’t leave even though his nose hairs had icicles on them. Rachel thanks him, and gives him a kiss on the cheek, which you may remember is a huge deal for Steve. Urkel doesn’t know how to deal with the ensuing erection, so he approaches Eddie for help. Unfortunately for Eddie, that’s when Jolene enters and asks him if it’s true that he asked out Simone Edwards. Eddie tells her that while she’s the only girl for him, it is true that he asked out Simone. She breaks up with him, which definitively answers my question from last week regarding whether or not they were an item. They were. Now they’re not. Jolene leaves, and Urkel comes over to ask Eddie (who is obviously clueless when it comes to women) how to tell if a woman likes him. Eddie tells Steve that the reason he knew for sure that Jolene liked him was because she had written his name in her notebook a few hundred times. I remember girls doing that in my middle school all the time (not that it was ever my name written in there), so this seems like relatively solid advice. Urkel heads over to the counter, and finds this doodled on a notepad:
(Family Matters)
So we’re to believe that Rachel, a grown-ass woman (and an incredibly attractive one at that) who gets asked out every two to three episodes, still doodles her crush’s name on a notepad like a sixth-grade girl? This seems preposterous to me. Ladies, if you disagree, let me know. The notepad confirms to the Urkman that Rachel does indeed have the hots for him, and he freaks the fuck out. Hilarious stuff.
Back at the Winslow residence, Harriet and her glorious Mullet notice that they are out of zucchini, so she tells Judy to add it to their shopping list. Judy struggles to spell “zucchini,” so she adds corn to the list instead. You can tell the writers are really trying to shoehorn Judy into the show this season, but they really should have stuck with her strength, which is poorly impersonating other people’s random dancing. Carl is at the kitchen table, putting together the intercom system that Harriet bought for Rachel. He tells Ritchie that with this device, they can talk to each other from different rooms. To prove it, Carl heads into the other room, and NLR waits for a moment, makes a “shushing” gesture to Harriet and Judy, and then loudly screams into the intercom. Except that he definitely doesn’t. Watch this clip:
(Family Matters)
His mouth does not move nearly enough to have produced that scream. Not the actor’s fault, of course, but they should have shot that scene again. Carl, who had the intercom system up to his ear, experiences actual pain from the scream. NLR runs into the living room so he can revel in the pain that he caused. Harriet, Judy, and Estelle head out the door to go grocery shopping, but Rachel is on her way in, and asks if she can talk to them about a man. They all rush back in, eager for the gossip, but Harriet sends Judy upstairs to look up the word “zucchini” in the dictionary. Rachel tells Harriet and Estelle that she had a great time on the date with Webster, but that she’s concerned about their age difference. Rachel is thirty-five and Webby is twenty-eight. Not really a huge deal considering that Webster is wildly successful, but Rachel still feels weird about it.
In the living room, Carl is in handcuffs, while NLR pretends to be a cop. Carl apologizes for speeding, and wants to know if NLR really has to take him to the station. NLR says that unfortunately he does, but they’ll have to stop and get some donuts on the way. They’re really forcing NLR’s adorableness. Seems like the mandate for the season from the network executives was, “Make the little kid do adorable shit and increase Urkel’s screen time by 500%.” Speaking of the Urkman, he walks through the front door at this time, and he’s got notes for Laura to borrow. Carl tells him that Laura is in the shower, so Steve heads towards the stairs. Hey, he saw Rachel naked with no consequences, might as well try to go two for two. Carl cuts him off at the pass, and tells Steve that he’ll let Laura know that he’s there. He heads up the stairs, but not before telling his nephew that he needs backup. “10-4!” says NLR (who is cute, we get it). Steve, who is a nosy little shit and loves technology, immediately fires up the intercom system. That’s when we get what is probably the best written scene in the show thus far. As soon as Urkel flips on the intercom, he hears Rachel talking about the way Steve Webster makes her feel, only she doesn’t use his last name. And when she starts listing off the things she likes about Webster, Urkel reacts in a way that only Jaleel White can pull off:
(Family Matters)
The best part is Urkel flapping his arms like a bird for some reason. No words that I can come up with can equal to Urkel’s physical comedy.
After Urkel mistakes Rachel’s declaration of love for Webster with one for him, he hears her plan to invite “Steve” to a romantic, candle-light dinner. He shuts off the intercom, and Rachel comes into the living room, completely unaware that he had been listening. She asks him for help putting some records into the jukebox at Rachel’s Place, which he takes as a reason to get him alone. He asks if he has to, and she says that he does, because she is his boss, but that she’s willing to pay him. Now, Urkel thinks she’s trying to pay him for sex, but his only issue with this is that he doesn’t know what to charge. She tells him that she’ll pay double the usual, so now Urkel is freaked out that she has a going rate for sexual favors. Lots of good, actually clever jokes here. Urkel agrees, because a gorgeous woman offering to pay him for sex is basically the dream for any teenage boy. She’s so happy that he’s agreed to help her that she hugs him, which of course leads to more Jaleel White goodness:
(Family Matters)
A little later, Carl is in the living room, ready to help Steve with his love problems. These two have a very complicated relationship, as Carl is both a mentor and father figure to Urkel, and yet he also despises him. Urkel explains that he has reason to believe that a woman is falling in love with him, but he feels terrible about it because his heart belongs to Laura. Carl advises Steve to give this new woman a chance, and even though Carl is unaware that the woman the Urkman is talking about is his sister-in-law, this is solid advice. At best, Steve could find himself experiencing love, and at worst, seeing Steve with another woman might make Laura jealous. It’s a win-win for the Urkster. Steve tells Carl that he’s been in love with Laura since she made him eat Play-Doh on their first day of Kindergarten. Steve is a masochist. You just know he’s going to end up being a cuck someday. Carl reiterates to Urkel that he’s got no chance with Laura, and after Urkel reluctantly agrees, they share a classic Urkel/Carl moment:
Jaleel White is fucking BRINGING IT in this episode. The Urkel you just saw has a confidence that I like to call “Big Urk Energy.” I’m slowly coming to terms with the realization that with the greatness that is Urkel having a much larger role on the show, comes the added responsibility of making more GIFs and video capturing more often on my part. This is a burden that I’m more than happy to shoulder. The strangest part of this scene is Steve calling Rachel a “filly,” which of course is a young, female horse. I feel like if we have to describe women as animals (which I’m not entirely sure we do), “filly” is a better option than “bitch.” Which one do you prefer, ladies? Let me know.
Back at Rachel’s Place, Rachel (who is looking FINE by the way, Webby is a lucky guy) is lighting a candle, creating an ambiance that can only be described as “very sexual.” Speaking of sexual, in walks the studliest man in the known universe:
I wish they could have gone with a straight up pimp outfit, but under the TGIF circumstances, I totally understand why they didn’t. “Bubbling brown sugar” is the funniest goddamn pickup line I’ve ever heard. Rachel asks him why he’s in a tuxedo, and Urkel tells her that it’s a special night, she’s a special lady, and he got a special rental price. Rachel is naturally confused, so Steve tells her that they’re both caught up in the gale force winds of Hurricane Urkel. This. Guy. Fucks. Rachel is still a bit perplexed, so Steve (after casually throwing his coat at a chair and completely missing) tells her that he knows how she feels about him, because he heard her on the intercom. Rachel immediately understands what happened, but Steve is all fired up, so he tells her not to worry about their age difference, then casually sweeps his hat backwards towards the counter, knocking down a glass case of what seems to be pies. They might have been a different kind of baked good, but either way, there were five of them in there, and the glass case shattered, so I’ll add six to the Shit Urkel Broke total. (SUB total=21)
Conclusion:
Rachel tries to explain to Steve what’s happened, but Urkel isn’t having it. He tells her that they shouldn’t speak, they should just listen…to their hearts. He strains to be able to hear his own heart, and if you took this out of context it would look very much like someone doing an extremely offensive impression of a mentally handicapped person:
(Family Matters)
Rachel soldiers on, ready to give explaining the situation another try, but instead, she gets lucky. Steve smells her perfume, Rainbow Cloud, and realizes that it’s the same one that Laura wears. He immediately backs off, telling her that he shouldn’t even be there because he’s so in love with Laura. Rachel pretends that she’s hurt, because she’s a good person and she doesn’t mind this nerd thinking that it’s him choosing not to be with her, instead of the other way around. He tells her to keep her chin up, because he fully believes that the good Lord will provide her with a man worthy of her affections. On cue, in walks Steve Webster, carrying a bottle of wine and smiling widely. Urkel looks towards the heavens and says, “Wow, you’re good!” which must have seemed bizarre to the other Steve, but the Webbed one never breaks eye contact with Rachel once. Power move, I like it. Maybe Rachel has finally found a decent suitor.
A little while later, Rachel and Webster are dancing closely. It’s super romantic, but Webster takes a small break from the romance to check out her rack:
(Family Matters)
After making his eyes happy, The Webbed One tells her that he can’t believe that she didn’t want to date him because he was so young. He asks her if she’s over that hang-up, and she tells him that she is.
The next day, all of the Winslows are sitting at a table in Rachel’s Place. They talk about how much money they’re all making, and bang their hands on the table in jubilation. Judy wants to eat some food, and Carl asks Laura for some menus. She tells him that it isn’t her table, so Carl asks Urkel for some help. Steve is too busy at the cash register to help them. Carl tells Rachel that she ought to hire another waiter if they’re going to be so busy. Rachel says it’s taken care of, and NLR comes running out dressed in a Rachel’s Place uniform. He’s got a notepad and a pencil, and he asks them, “Okay, what’ll it be?” The whole family cracks up, and I get down on my knees and pray to god that he’s featured WAY less next week. That’s the end of the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.3, “Marriage 101.” I’m guessing Carl will pretend that he’s got marriage completely figured out, but end up pissing off Harriet somehow, because that’s “Sitcom 101.”
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