Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.3
“Marriage 101”
Original Air Date: September 28, 1990
Last week, Urkel had to let a love-struck Rachel down easy, but luckily Rachel found another Steve to keep her warm at night.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram now! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should obviously like 7th Evan on Facebook. Following my personal account on Twitter seems essential as well, doesn’t it?
Cold Open:
Eddie is in the living room, wrapping bandages around Steve’s entire body. He is taking a first aid class, and he wants to ace it. Unfortunately, there is no rhyme or reason for anything that he’s doing, so he’s definitely going to fail. Eddie leaves the room to get some plaster (Steve is definitely going to die), when Carl arrives home. Urkel talks too much for his liking, so Carl places a piece of tape over his mouth. Nothing to see here.
(Family Matters)
The Story:
Harriet comes downstairs in maybe the trashiest dress I’ve ever seen.
(Family Matters)
She’s all excited because she and Carl have a date night planned. Carl comes in and waves a pair of tickets around enthusiastically. The women in the room take turns guessing what those tickets are for; Harriet guesses Les Miserables, Laura thinks they’re for Janet Jackson, and Estelle wagers that they’re MC Hammer tickets. Carl has something so much better: Blackhawks tickets. For some reason, Harriet isn’t eager to spend her date night at a hockey game. She conveys this to Carl in an obviously sarcastic tone, but Carl is excited to watch some sticky puck, and he doesn’t pay much attention to her. She leaves to change, and he tells her to hustle up. Harriet throws her bag at him.
(Family Matters)
Carl, who just had a purse thrown at his head, smiles and tells the rest of his family that he’s married to the most wonderful woman in the world.
Later, at a thus far unnamed junior high school, the bell rings, signaling the start of a new period. Laura and her classmates take their seats, but one student is still missing.
You have to love their patriotism. It’s worth noting that this is our first glimpse of Maxine, who will end up playing a key recurring role in this series. Urkel is helped down by the teacher, Ms. Steuben. When she grabs his hips to lower him down, Urkel takes that as a sign that she’s hitting on him, a nice callback to what he “learned” from Eddie last week. After Urkel is seated, Ms. Steuben begins the class, but Steve asks her for a moment. He takes his sweet time taking out his pencils, a notebook, and a picture of Laura. He glances lovingly over at Laura, but she’s too busy taking notes on NOTHING. The teacher hasn’t started class, what the shit is she writing? Urkel gives Ms. Steuben his permission to start the class, so she begins a short presentation on how families are the center for all social interaction. She tells them for the next two weeks the class will be paired off into married couples. A student asks if they get to pick their spouse, and Ms. Steuben tells them that they will all make a list of their top three choices, and she will do her best to give everyone someone that they want to work with. Urkel starts making intelligible, almost apelike noises in his excitement. Ms. Steuben, who can clearly see that his obsession with Laura is a problem, walks over and tells him that he can’t put the same name on his list three times.
Back at the Winslow house, Harriet is sporting a fresh bandage on her forehead. Carl walks in, and after greeting everyone, asks Harriet how her head is feeling. Harriet, who was hit in the head by a puck, asks him how he thinks she’s feeling. At this point, I’m so used to the netting that protects crowds from the puck that I had to look up when they started installing them. The NHL made that a requirement in 2002, which really isn’t that long ago, when you think about it. Carl mentions that Harriet got a standing ovation from the crowd after “stopping” the puck with her dome. Harriet tells Carl that she has made a reservation for dinner that evening. Carl feels awful about this, but he forgot to tell Harriet that he can’t make it to dinner, because he and his police buddies are throwing a bachelor party for Joe Hitchborne, a fellow officer who is marrying a prostitute after being put on “hooker patrol.” You would think the precinct would have a bit of a problem with this. That being said, “Hooker Patrol” would be a great name for a band. Carl asks Harriet if she minds if he goes, and she says, “Up to you, Carl,” which means, “I’d advise you not to” in lady language. Carl, who has been a great husband for years, somehow misses this, and tells her that she’s the best. He says, “Don’t wait up!” as he heads upstairs to change. As he passes by Rachel, she brandishes a pair of scissors at him, as if to say that he should watch himself, lest he lose his manhood. Estelle and Rachel ask Harriet why she’s letting Carl get away with this nonsense, and Harriet says that she can’t force Carl to be romantic. She then recalls all of the romantic things he used to do for her, like leaving her notes throughout the house and sending her flowers for no reason. Rachel asks her if him not doing that anymore makes her mad, and Harriet responds that it makes her scared. It’s a really touching and sad scene, and Jo Marie Peyton really brings it here.
Back at Unnamed Junior High, the list of everyone’s “spouse” has been posted at the back of the room. Maxine is excited because she got her top choice, Mark Healy. Laura asks her who she got, like her destiny was going to give her any sort of choice in this matter, but Maxine couldn’t see that part of the board over her lady boner. Laura goes to look for herself, and the obvious happens:
I love that none of those three boys even tried to save her. Chivalry is dead, bay-bay! Urkel, who is a true gentleman, tells everyone to spread out and give his wife some air. You know who the real villain is here? Ms. Steuben. It’s so obvious that Urkel is stalking this poor girl, but instead of putting any effort in, she’s just like, “Oh well, this is Laura’s problem now.” Terrible teacher.
Later, at the Winslow house, New Little Ritchie tells Rachel that he’s glad Uncle Carl came home. Rachel’s like, “You’re so dumb, NLR, Carl didn’t go anywhere.” NLR tells her that he overheard Aunt Harriet saying that Uncle Carl was in the doghouse. Classic adorable little kid confusion! Laura comes in through the back door, and she’s just glum as hell, gang. Harriet tells her that she called Rachel’s place hours ago, and wants to know where she’s been. Laura tells her that she was just out walking. Carl tells her to sit down, and that she almost missed dinner. But look at his facial expression:
In his eyes, you can see his seriousness, but his mouth is just slightly quirked up, as if he’s trying not to laugh. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Reginald VelJohnson is one of the better actors in the world when it comes expressing with his face. As soon as Laura reaches for some chicken, all of the adults start humming “Here Comes the Bride.” Laura says, “Very funny,” to which Eddie responds, “What’s the matter? Lose your sense of humor, Mrs. Urkel?” and then laughs hysterically. Laura responds with the exceedingly original, “Is that your face or did your neck throw up?” Judy chimes in, telling them, “Now children, no fighting at the table.” Maybe if she didn’t antagonize her siblings like this, Judy wouldn’t have been murdered by them. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Urkel comes in (also through the back door) and asks Carl for Laura’s hand in marriage. Carl, who thinks this whole thing is hilarious, approves. Urkel tells Carl that he won’t be sorry, because Urkels are a fine old family with a proud name. He also mentions that in Kenya, “Urkel” means “benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest.” I trust Steve far too much to fact check this statement.
Two weeks later, Laura is sitting on the living room couch, eating a TV dinner that her doting husband prepared for her. Look at all this shit the Urkman bought her!
(Family Matters)
Urkel is every woman’s dream husband. He comes in through the kitchen door, wearing a “World’s Best Husband” apron, and he pretends to dust Laura’s face, which would make me blood red mad. You’re telling me a kid who sees an allergy doctor wouldn’t be sensitive to other people’s allergies? Laura tells him to go home, but Urkel tells her that since this is their last night of “wedded bliss,” he can’t leave just yet. He presses play on the cassette player (look it up, youths), and a romantic melody starts to play. Urkel starts to get really into the moment:
(Family Matters)
The Urkster wants a kiss (again), but Laura remembers the last time he tried that nonsense, and she shuts it down real quick. He tells her not to hold back, and throws himself onto her. He’s lying on his back, looking up at her. Laura tosses him onto the ground (understandable), and tells him that he’s “looking down the barrel of an “F.” Urkel asks for a kiss on the cheek again (pathetic), and describes it as a “momentary osculation.” Urkel’s out here teaching me new words while flirting. Not sure a math term is going to get the ladies going, though. Laura digs deep and goes to an old reliable; she tells Urkel she’s got a headache. Ah, brings back terrible, terrible memories. Steve is prepared, though, and he offers her an aspirin. Laura wants a divorce, and tells him to go home to his mother. Steve is the rubber to her glue, however, because he’s convinced that he’s scared her off with his “manly ardor.” I gotta tell ya, gang, the Urkman is doing a great job expanding my vocabulary in this episode. Ardor means, “enthusiasm or passion,” and your boy is going to be using that word a lot going forward. He tells her that he’s a patient man, but would like to give her a token of his appreciation in the meantime. He hands her a ring, which he has purchased for $800. Laura tells him that the ring is way too expensive, and boy, is she right. According this website, $800 in 1991 is equal to about $1,500 today. Laura wants to know where he got that money, and he tells her that it’s from his “stayaway fund.” Apparently, his relatives literally pay him money to not come and visit them. Laura tells him that this is a pretend marriage for an assignment, and that they’re not even dating. She also tells him that they never will be, which no woman should ever have to tell a man. Women give clear signs when they’re not interested in you, and if they have to straight up tell you to leave them alone, you’ve already taken things way too far. Steve listens to her say this glumly, and the dumb fucking audience says, “Aww.” You feel bad for this dude? He keeps making advances on a girl who has shown over and over that she has no interest, and that he’s making her uncomfortable. I can’t/won’t pity someone for something like this. Urkel compares his love for Laura to reaching for a star. He knows he’ll never reach it, but he’s got to keep trying. The audience says, “aww” again. Nope. He’s insane. Trying the same thing over and over and expecting results is textbook insanity (It isn’t, however, the “definition” of insanity. Look it up, and stop saying this. Fuck, I’m getting preachy in this recap). Laura, who is now crying (and crying well, I might add, solid acting here), asks him why he always says things like that. He tells her that the last two weeks have been wonderful for him. That’s why he wanted her to have the ring, “no strings attached, except the one to my heart.” He then heads home, leaving Laura to cry alone. More emotional manipulation, but I can’t even focus on it, because STEVE LEAVES TWICE:
I know you see those floating glasses. (Family Matters)
What I assume is moments later, Laura walks from the living room to the kitchen, but it’s shot using a different camera angle than we’ve seen before. She heads into the pantry, but wait, it’s not a pantry:
(Family Matters)
Yep, that’s right folks, the Magical Porch That Fixes Everything is so magical that it’s now magically inside the pantry. Before you get started, I know this porch isn’t the same porch that solves everyone’s problems, but am I to understand that the Winslow family has two porches and calls one, “the pantry?” There are even windows there that have never existed before. The choices they made in this episode are bizarre. Laura asks Harriet if she’s busy, and Harriet, who is trimming a fern, says, “No, just pruning your father.” She then corrects herself, but is this plant joke the reason behind the second porch? Was there not enough room on the other porch for a fern? I’m straight up baffled by this. Laura tells Harriet that she thinks she hurts Steve’s feelings, but he was smothering her, and she didn’t know what else to do. Harriet lets her own feelings get in the way, and tells Laura that a man loving her that much is a good thing. Uh, just because your husband isn’t being romantic, that doesn’t mean you should advise your daughter that having her neighbor stalk her is something to be cherished. At some point during this conversation, Carl comes downstairs, and he hears Harriet telling Laura all of this. I know none of the Winslows take Urkel seriously, but Carl should be concerned that he has done such a poor job of being a husband recently that his wife is almost wistful when talking about the guy prowling after her daughter.
Conclusion:
Back at Unnamed Junior High, Maxine is at the front of the class, talking about how shitty a husband Mark Healy has been over the last two weeks. She caught him at the movies with an older girl. I’ll remind you, as Laura did to Steve so often, that this marriage was imaginary, and Mark was free to date whomever he wanted. That’s why, when Maxine gives him a grade of “F-Minus,” the teacher should have stepped in and asked her to be a bit more reasonable. What Ms. Steuben does instead is congratulate Mark and Maxine on handling their incompatibility like mature adults. Ms. Steuben turns to look at nothing on the blackboard, and Mark and Maxine loudly insult each other. Ms. Steuben doesn’t react to this at all. Is she deaf? Again, she’s a terrible teacher. It’s now Steve and Laura’s turn to assess their marriage. Steve gives Laura an “A all the way,” which is a neat little rhyme, isn’t it? Laura, after mentioning how annoying Steve is and her desire to slap him all the time, gives Urkel an “A+,” causing Steve to believe in their love once again. Laura says forlornly, “What have I done?!” I couldn’t agree with her more. She had finally beaten down this whiny little shit, and her mother’s mid-life crisis fueled advice caused her to give him a reprieve from his self-loathing. Bad move.
Later that evening, Carl comes home to find Harriet sitting on the living room couch. He tells her that he overheard her conversation with Laura, and that he recognizes that he’s been a jerk. To make up for it, he’s made a reservation at a fancy restaurant (perhaps even the one that Leroy treated himself to a nice dinner at?), and he’s bought her some jewelry. She opens the box, and it’s a beautiful diamond ring! It seems a little familiar though, and when Harriet asks him how much it cost, Carl tells him that Urkel sold it to him for $1,000. Harriet looks at her new ring and says, “Ooh, Sparkle City,” which I believe is the exit before the one for “Suplex City.” Carl tells her that Urkel threw in a romantic cassette tape with the ring, and after Carl pops that bad boy into the cassette player, he shows Harriet some of his best dance moves.
(Family Matters)
I like to think Judy was on the stairs, and she made a mental note to try this new dance move out herself. Carl and Harriet continue to dance the night away, and the episode ends.
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.4, “Flashpants.” I got nothing.
Please share this post on your favorite brand of social media by clicking its respective icon below. It really makes a huge difference in the amount of people who’ll read it, which I appreciate greatly.
