Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.4
“Flashpants”
Original Air Date: October 5, 1990
Last week, an inept teacher helped her creepiest student stalk his crush.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Note): Through the magic of subtitles, I discovered that I had been spelling Harriette’s name wrong. I had been using the standard “one t, one e” spelling of the name. Since no one pointed this out to me over the last six months of writing this column, I decided that I will not be going back to fix this mistake, but instead directing any future complainers to this note.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura comes downstairs into the kitchen to find Eddie in the process of making himself a sandwich. Oh, yeah, and she’s wearing a fanny pack.
(Family Matters)
Now, I’m not the fashion police or anything, and I’m certainly a “substance over style” kind of fella, but how were fanny packs ever popular? They are so dumb looking. Laura asks Eddie if he’s seen Steve, who apparently has asked to walk her to work every day that week. Eddie suggests that she invest in some Urkel repellent. What would that even be? The only thing that Steve has shown an aversion to thus far is bullies. I guess Laura could pay Bull to hang out in her doorway to scare Urkel away. Laura tells Eddie that she’s going to leave an hour early to throw the Urkman off the trail. She opens the door to leave, and surprise, surprise:
(Family Matters)
Urkel’s not even breathing hard. He’s the fastest man alive. Laura says, “I give up.” Stop giving up. Punch him in the face one time. He’ll get it.
The Story:
The family sans Carl is sitting at the table, when Eddie notices New Little Ritchie reading the stock market section of the newspaper. Rachel asks NLR if he has any hot tips for them, and he says, “Toys.” Rachel asks him if he means that they should buy a toy stock, and NLR says, “No, just toys.”
Ten minutes into stock market and chill, and he gives you this face. (Family Matters)
We get it, you’re adorable. Carl comes in through the kitchen door, and this is the GIF equivalent to sliding into someone’s DMs late night.
(Family Matters)
My favorite part is how Laura gets up to “get out of the way” and 100% gets in their way. Eddie asks Carl and Harriet to not be so lovey-dovey, but they can’t help it, because they’re caught up in the spirit of the annual Policeman’s Memorial Foundation Dance Contest, which I wish was an actual televised event. The kids don’t want to A) go to the event or B) sell tickets to the event, but Carl just rolls his eyes, so I guess the matter is closed.
Later, Carl comes home from work to find Harriette in the living room. He’s blood-red-mad, so he beats the ever-loving shit out of his jacket.
(Family Matters)
I love how when you think he’s done, he comes back for more, like Michael Bolton in Office Space. Harriette calmly asks him what’s wrong, and Carl explains that a new cop named Charlie Carnelli has been pissing him off at work. Charlie makes everything a competition, and Carl has put up with it long enough. When Charlie said that he and his wife are going to win the dancing competition, that was the last straw for Carl, and he told Charlie that he and Harriette are going to wipe the floor with him. To prove his point, Carl boogies to the kitchen:
She hates to see him go, but loves to watch him dance away. (Family Matters)
Later, Carl and Harriette practice their routine. I won’t bore you with a GIF of it, because you’ll be seeing their routine in completion a little later on. After they’re done, Eddie tells his mother that with those kind of moves, she can’t lose. Harriette, humble as ever, deflects those compliments onto Carl, who, egotistical as ever, takes a bow. The problem is, his back gives out mid-bow. Rachel rushes off to call the doctor, and Harriette tells Carl to relax. She also mentions that they shouldn’t take part in the dance contest anymore, so Carl can’t relax at all. He’d rather look like a pretzel (Harriette’s words, not mine) than to hand the trophy to the Carnellis. Rachel tells Carl that the doctor can see him in an hour, and not to worry, because he has a treatment that can help him out. Carl limps off to the Doctor’s, and the whole family goes with him, including NLR, who pretends that his back is hurt too:
Harriette can’t get enough of that ass. (Family Matters)
I actually enjoyed that. That’s the type of subtle adorableness that I’m looking for from NLR.
What I assume is the next day (based on the fact that Charlie doesn’t know about Carl’s back until later, I assume that Carl hurt himself on a Friday and was healthy enough to work the following week), Eddie and Laura are headed to the mall, so they ask their father for some cash, even though they both have jobs. Carl is unable to just hand it to them, however, because he’s in the middle of rehabbing his back:
(Family Matters)
At least I think he’s doing rehab. He could just be protecting his friends from ice zombies.
(Game of Thrones)
The Winslow kids grow an actual sense of humor here, and make some pretty good jokes. Eddie points out that he could take as much money from Carl as he wants, because there’s really nothing Carl can do about it. Carl agrees, but lets him know that he’s not going to be hurt forever, and he’ll eventually be able to hunt him down. Carl tells the kids to skedaddle, and they leave, but not before Laura asks him if he wants them to hang him up on the porch so he can get some sun. After they leave, Carl settles in, ready to relish in the peace and quiet. Obviously, that’s when Hurricane Urkel blows through:
(Family Matters)
After Urkel makes the obligatory “Just hanging around?” joke, Carl asks him why he’s there. The Urkman tells him that he’s there to keep Carl company throughout his rehab, and starts to read to him from Encyclopedia Britannica. Carl seems to love it:
An indeterminate amount of time later, the day of the big dance contest has arrived. The Carnellis are on the dance floor, dancing to some old timey music. Urkel bops his head along to the music, because when he’s not being a creepy stalker, he’s a delightful little fellow. Laura asks him if he actually likes this kind of music, and the Urkster says no, he’s more of a polka guy. Carl, whose back pain is at least manageable enough to stand up straight by now, is standing with Harriette, watching the Carnellis’ dance routine. Harriette tells him that she thinks the Carnellis are talented, and Carl begrudgingly agrees. I won’t bore you with their whole performance, which is ACTUALLY OVER A MINUTE LONG (WTF?), but here’s the end:
After they’re done, Charlie heads over to Carl, and they introduce their wives to each other. Charlie tells Carl that his wife is prettier, and Carl responds, “In your dreams.” The MC of this shindig, who is played by legendary “That Guy” Steve Vinovich, steps onto the dance floor. If he looks familiar, it’s because Vinovich has run the family sitcom gauntlet, appearing in Malcom in the Middle, 8 Simple Rules, Everybody Loves Raymond, Home Improvement, Family Matters, Step-By-Step, Married…with Children, Perfect Strangers, Roseanne, Cheers, and Three’s Company. He acknowledges how good the Carnellis were, and then introduces the person who sold the most tickets to the event, NLR. The following adorableness lacks the subtlety mentioned previously:
(Family Matters)
If anything, it’s gratuitous adorableness. It’s an adorable slap in the face. Vinovich, who I’ll call by his real name since he doesn’t ever get one on the actual show, then introduces Harriette and her lovely husband Carl (solid joke):
This scene is hilarious because Laura cheers for way too long. I originally thought it was Steve, which would have been in character, but if you watch the video, it’s clearly her. Besides, they’re saving the “Steve claps too long” joke for later. Rachel comes onto the floor at the same time as Carl and Harriette, and she tells them that they don’t have anything to worry about, because they have the contest in the bag. Vinovich tells her that she’s pretty, but she needs to get the fuck off of his stage. You tell her, Vino. Carl and Harriet start their routine, and it sure exists:
There’s really nothing about the dance that makes it special, but I did enjoy Charlie and Steve’s facial reactions during the routine. Also, Charlie’s wife makes this face at the end, which is pretty spectacular:
(Family Matters)
Shortly after, there is a couple doing a polka, and everyone is reacting like it’s the shittiest thing they’ve ever seen, even though this whole night has been a medley of mediocrity (great name for a band). Everyone, that is, but Steve Q. Urkel:
Nothing in this entire world can match the Urkman’s enthusiasm for dumb shit. I just realized that my love of Urkel is equally as dumb, so I’m basically a modern-day Urkel. Lord, send me a Myra. We find out that the polka couple are the children of the police commissioner, and the whole crowd shows way more enthusiasm, instead of wondering why two adult siblings are still dancing together like this. Anyway, the results are in, and it’s a tie! Both the Carnellis and the Winslows have won, so there will be a dance-off a bit later on to decide the winner. In the meantime, Vinovich asks the two remaining teams to take a bow. Predictably, Carl throws his back out again.
Conclusion:
Carnelli notices Carl bent over in pain, so he walks over and starts to mock him, using what everyone outside of the northeast region thinks New Yorkers sounds like:
As you can see, Charlie hurts himself while mocking Carl. They’re called back out to the dance floor, but after a few moments, Mrs. Carnelli stops the music and tells Vinovich that Charlie is too hurt to continue. Vinovich tries to declare Carl and Harriette the winners, but Carl, ever the sportsman, tells Vinovich that he’s hurt as well, and offers a tie to Charlie. Charlie accepts, but our boy Vinovich is like, “Hell nah, the incest twins win.” He then begrudgingly (wow, got to use that word twice this week!) turns the dance floor over to the youth. MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” blares over the loudspeaker, and everyone gets to dancing. Urkel, knowing that this episode desperately needed more of him, does me a solid and dances across the screen:
(Family Matters)
Harriette tells Carl that she’s proud of him for being such a good sport. She promises to fix him a banana split and hang him from the door. Carl tells her that she really knows how to treat a guy. The rest of the family dances the night away, and the episode ends.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.5, “The Crash Course.” Something tells me that SUB total will be going up considerably.
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