Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.5
“The Crash Course”
Original Air Date: October 12, 1990
Last week, Carl fairly won a dance contest, but then gave it away because of “good sportsmanship.”
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Note:) As reader Pete Cahill pointed out to me last week, I had incorrectly identified a character from Office Space as Michael McDonald, when the character’s name was Michael Bolton. I have corrected this.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Harriet and Rachel are painting the living room, but Harriet sucks at it. She’s painting against the grain, and Rachel points out that everyone knows that you’re supposed to paint with the grain. Harriet splashes Rachel’s face with paint. You know, like a child would. Rachel retaliates in turn, and they immediately start dueling. Carl comes in and tells them that instead of fighting amongst themselves, they need to show a little teamwork. Easy for him to say, he’s not on the team. Carl is the one man in America that somehow doesn’t have to help when a room needs to be painted. The two women respond by swiping him with paint on both sides of his face. Carl grabs a roller, but it’s two on one, so he almost immediately calls for a truce, because he doesn’t want to get paint all over his uniform. If you predicted that this is the exact moment when Hurricane Urkel rolls through, you are correct. Steve opens the recently painted front door, and Carl, who was standing behind it, gets paint all over his uniform. “Did I do that?” Since I can’t be sure that Carl couldn’t get the paint off his uniform, I won’t be adding this to the Shit Urkel Broke total. Also, I’m sorry that you just had to read 200 words about nothing, but hell, I had to watch it, and that’s a minute and a half of my life that I’ll never get back.
The Story:
Carl is just sitting down to a nice bowl of generic cereal when Eddie comes running downstairs. Eddie is annoyed with Carl because he’s still in his bathrobe, and he’s supposed to be taking Eddie to take his driver’s test that morning. Carl asks him what the rush is, and Eddie tells him that if he doesn’t get his license by the end of the day, he can’t take Jolene out for a spin. I guess Jolene finally got over the Simone Edwards fiasco. Carl tells Eddie that before he takes him to the exam, he thinks they should have one last practice drive. Eddie wants to know why, since Carl has told him that he’s a great driver. Carl responds by saying that when they practiced before, Carl was acting as a super supportive father, but this time, he’ll be acting as an incredibly strict DMV examiner. That way, Eddie will be prepared for whatever the examiner throws his way. Eddie is on board, but he still thinks Carl should go get dressed so that they can get on their way. Carl takes off the robe to reveal that he’s already dressed, and he and Eddie share a laugh as they head out the door. Eye roll emoji.
In the car (with surprisingly decent green screen footage of a Chicago street rolling by, especially since this was shot in the 90’s), Eddie asks his father how he’s doing.
(Family Matters)
Carl says that Eddie is doing fine, but that he’s not Eddie’s dad. Eddie says, “Oops! Does Mom know?” Solid joke, but Carl is not laughing. He’s in DMV examiner mode, and that barb just cost Eddie two points for “inappropriate levity.” They continue down the road, and Carl tells Eddie to make a right. Eddie makes the very simple right turn, and for some reason is incredibly cocky about it, even referring to it as “hanging a Ralph.” He turns his eyes from the road to share a laugh with Carl (who, like everyone else in the world, would never laugh about this), and Carl screams, “Look out for that bread truck!” Eddie freaks out and slams on the brakes. There was never a bread truck, but as Carl rightly points out, if there had been a bread truck, he would have hit the bread truck. He tells Eddie to keep going, and then starts bombarding him with driving instructions, which Eddie can’t keep up with. Finally, Carl has Eddie pull over, and tells him that he’s proud of him, because he hung tough. Eddie is freaked out now, though, and he asks Carl to drive them to the DMV.
Back at the Winslow house, Eddie walks into the garage, where Laura is busy pumping air into her bike tires. She asks Eddie how the test went, and he tells her that it’s none of her business. She says that he definitely failed. This is the main difference between two siblings of the same sex, and two of the opposite. When my older brother failed his first driving test (for completely bullshit reasons, I might add), I asked him what happened, and he gave me a look that suggested to me that I should get away from him as quickly as I could. Eddie admits that he failed, but blames Carl. Eddie claims that he everywhere he looked he saw runaway bread trucks. The poor guy is clearly suffering from what is commonly known as “Bread Truck PTSD.” Jolene comes in, and wants to know if Eddie passed his test. Eddie, instead of just admitting that he failed like a normal person, asks her, “What do you think?” Jolene, who is a normal person, assumed that this means that he passed, so she gets super excited. She congratulates him, and calls him “Binky Bear.” Eddie thanks her, and calls her “Winky Bear.” High schoolers are the worst. Jolene tells him to take her for a ride, so Eddie tries to stall her. She calls him out on this (she actually says, “You’re stalling”), and walks calmly over to the passenger side door. Jolene knows that she’s a beautiful, supportive girl who deserves the world, so she calmly waits there until Eddie opens the door for her like a gentleman. Eddie pressed the garage door opener, and Laura asks him if he’s nuts, because Carl would kill him if he knew that Eddie was driving without a license. Eddie says it doesn’t matter, because Carl is never going to find out, right? He gives Laura a menacing look, and she responds, “Not from me, Binky Bear” as Eddie backs the car out of the garage.
Later, Urkel is following Laura from the kitchen into the living room, begging her for something. She tells him that for the last time, she won’t be giving him a lock of her hair or a toenail clipping. Still think she was “too mean” to him during the marriage episode? This is what happens when you give Steve a tiny bit of sympathy. Laura tells him that she’s going up to her room, and he goes to follow her. She tells him, “Don’t even think about it,” and he apologizes. The Urkman asks her if there’s anything he can do for her while he waits (subtly letting her know that she can’t shake him that easily), and she asks him to let her know when Eddie gets back. Urkel doesn’t have to wait long.
At least Eddie had the foresight to beep the horn in warning as he barreled through the front door. His instincts are all out of whack, because when the dust settles, his first instinct is to run the windshield wipers so he can see out the front. I’m not exaggerating, he does that before he A) Check to see if Jolene is all right, and B) gets out of the car to see if he killed any of his family members (two of which are young children) when he barreled through the front door. At least he has some instincts, as it takes Laura a full thirty seconds to investigate what caused the car-crashing-through-the-front-door sound she heard. After she comes down the stairs, Laura asks Eddie and Jolene if they’re okay, and luckily, they are. Laura, surveying the damage, says “Nice move, Binky Bear.” I love that after she knows her sibling is okay, Laura jumps right back into “your nicknames are dumb” mode. Urkel wants to know “how the Sam Hill did this happen?” Jolene explains that as Eddie was about to pull into the driveway, they passed a bread truck, and he had another bout of that pesky Bread Truck PTSD. Jolene pretends to check her watch, and then runs out of the house. No one stops her, even though she absolutely needs to be brought to the hospital and checked out. It’s not like she’d be in any trouble anyway, she had no idea that Eddie didn’t have a license. Eddie says that Carl is going to kill him, and Urkel tells him that it was an accident and Carl would understand. As it so happens, I have personal experience with both driving without a license and accidentally driving into my house, though not at the same time. When I accidentally backed my car into the side of my garage door, my father was more than cool about it (At least the first time; the second time I backed the car into the garage, he screamed, “Again?! Are you fucking kidding me?” That was warranted. I’m admittedly not very good at backing a car up straight). When I drove the car without a license, he was not nearly as cool. In fact, I can’t remember him ever being madder at me. I’m not sure if Steve knew that Eddie didn’t pass his driving test, but Eddie should have known that Carl would not understand:
Love that sweet, “At least we know where it is” line from Rachel. Harriet and Rachel do not seem to be mad at all, even though they both just spent a painstaking number of hours painting that very wall. Carl heads towards Eddie, ready to rip his head off, but Urkel stops him, and tells him that he’s the one who crashed the car. Carl heads towards Steve, and it looks like he’s ready to murder him, but instead he restrains himself and painedly asks Steve, “Why?!” The Urkster takes a moment, and then hits us with this week’s installment of Big Urk Energy:
Carl, who is about ready to lose it, tells Urkel that it’s probably for the best if he goes home now, and that he’ll certainly be calling his parents. Steve tells him that he understands, and also warns Carl that his father’s new hobby is pantomime, “…so if no one answers, it’s him.” Carl screams, “GET OUT!!!” and Urkel heads into the kitchen.
Eddie and Laura hurry after Steve, and catch him before he leaves. Eddie wants to know why the Urkman took the fall, and Steve says it’s because they’re buddies, and buddies cover for each other. Laura asks him if he’s worried about his parents’ reaction, and Steve says he can handle it. At worst, he thinks, they’ll cancel his bagpipe recital. This is the second instrument we’ve heard about him playing; we already knew that he crushes it on the bagpipes. Urkel is a musical savant.
Later, New Little Ritchie and Judy are sitting on the couch, watching some cartoons. They each have a burger in front of them. Judy says she needs more juice, so she goes to get some. As soon as she leaves, a dog comes running in through the hole in the wall (which the Winslows have just covered up with curtains) and steals Judy’s hamburger. NLR thinks this is hilarious, and he scampers off, mullet flapping in the wind. The second that he leaves the room, the TV turns itself off. For this to happen in 1990, ghosts would have to be involved. Eddie and Laura come downstairs, and Laura is hounding Eddie about how shitty it was to let Urkel take the fall for the car crash. Eddie says he knows, and he tells her that he’ll figure out a way to pay Urkel’s parents back and everything would be cool. Then, Urkel walks in, wearing a military uniform:
(Family Matters)
Now, I’ve never been to military school, but I have been to basic training, and I imagine there’s no way in hell he’d have been issued a uniform before arriving there. They love handing you shit and then screaming at you about it. Either way, it’s a hilarious visual, and, as Steve explains, his punishment for stealing and subsequently crashing a car. Eddie and Laura feel terrible that everything led to this, but Urkel is trying to look on the bright side. Maybe, he postulates, he’ll end up super ripped. Because he’s leaving, Steve wants to leave his friends some of his most worldly possessions for them to remember him by. He gives Eddie a brand-new baseball glove, which Urkel had bought so he could have a catch with Eddie, but Eddie was “never able to work it into (his) busy schedule.” (Audience: “awwwwww”) Steve walks over to Laura and tells her that he loves her, and he’s clearly very upset. Eddie tells him, “Wait here,” and heads into the kitchen. Steve gives Laura the first of his gifts to her: his baby shoes, which are roughly a men’s size eight.
Conclusion:
Eddie walks into the garage to find Carl sitting down and blowing up a giant balloon with air from his own lungs. Eddie comes in and tells him that he’s the one who put the station-wagon-sized hole in the wall, and Carl is so shocked that he lets go of the balloon, which he had to have been working on for at least a half-hour:
(Family Matters)
What a waste of air. Eddie explains that he drove the car in the first place because he was too embarrassed to tell Jolene that he had failed his driver’s exam. He didn’t want to lose her respect, but now he’s gone and lost Carl’s instead. Carl (using Eddie’s two middle names, so you know he means business) tells Eddie that he didn’t lose Carl’s respect, and that making mistakes is all part of growing up. I guess he forgot that THERE’S A CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM! Carl admits that he made a mistake when he gave Eddie such an intense practice test. Eddie tells Carl that he supposes they both learned a lesson, and tries to leave before he is punished, but Carl is too quick. He grounds Eddie for a month, tells him he has to work around the house until he’s paid back the Urkels in full, and he won’t let Eddie re-take the driving test for at least two more months.
Back in the living room, the Urkster is giving Laura the last of her gifts, a jar of his mother’s homemade catfish jam. Why this is a memento, I have no idea. He also apparently gave her his grandmother’s dentures. None of these gifts make sense. Give her the accordion and a pair of suspenders, you little weirdo! Eddie come in from the kitchen, and he asks if he can talk to Steve alone. After Laura leaves, Eddie tells Urkel that he confessed his crime, and Steve won’t have to go to military school anymore. He thanks Urkel for having his back, and a relieved Urkster tells him that that’s what friends are for. Eddie tells him that friends also play catch. He tosses Steve the glove that Urkel gave him, and goes to grab his own. Before Eddie even has his glove on, Urkel fires the ball at him, and breaks a vase, bringing our SUB total to twenty-two. Carl hollers from upstairs, and Eddie tells Carl that he broke the lamp. Steve thanks Eddie for covering for him, and they hug, ending the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.5, “Boxcar Blues.” Just give me Carl and Urkel trapped on a train for thirty minutes.
