Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.6
“The Crash Course”
Original Air Date: October 19, 1990
Last week, Eddie drove a car right through the Winslow’s front door, and Carl pointed that out to Harriette three times in a row, increasing his volume every time. Then, when Eddie finally confessed to the crime, Carl really didn’t give a shit.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should obviously like 7th Evan on Facebook. Following my personal account on Twitter seems essential as well, doesn’t it?
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Harriette and Rachel are both missing clothes: Harriette is missing her red shoes, and Rachel is missing her red silk jacket. They both complain loudly to Laura, who is in the living room, quietly trying to study. After they both leave, Estelle comes into the living room, where Laura notices that she’s wearing both Harriette and Rachel’s missing clothes, as well as carrying Laura’s red purse. Laura calls her out on this, and Estelle just says, “Oops” and bolts out of the house. This felt like they were just trying to shoehorn a Mother Winslow scene in because she’s had almost nothing to do for a few episodes.
The Story
Every now and then, I pop when a writer or director’s name appears on the screen. This week is one of those times, because Larry fuckin’ Appleton directed this bad boy:
Tell me this little boy doesn’t have serial killer eyes. (Family Matters)
The Winslow’s are busy eating dinner when:
(Family Matters)
New Little Ritchie is pushing his dinner around his plate, and Rachel asks him why he’s playing with his food. NLR poorly (probably on purpose, because kids sucking at things is the most adorable thing ever) sings “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown. Really? This is the second time in two seasons that this song has been sung on this television program. “My Prerogative” made it to #1 on Billboard’s Top 100 in 1989, but it only spent six months on the chart, so why is this joke being made again? He then asks Rachel what “prerogative” means, so he didn’t even understand what his own joke meant. He just got lucky and used it in the right context. Just some strange decision making by my man Larry A. Laura brags to the table that she could get into Harvard if she felt like it, so Carl asks Eddie what he is going to do with his life. Eddie’s plan is still to be a rock star, as if the “Rappin’ Winslows” didn’t absolutely bury those dreams. Carl is worried that this could be a tad bit short-sighted, so Eddie tells him that he could also be a model. These kids have some fucking ego.
Later, Carl is in the kitchen when Eddie comes in, and what the fuck is going on with the back of his head?
(Family Matters)
That’s basically the farthest I can zoom in without distorting the image, but he’s left a small amount of hair on the back of his head that looks like a goddamn price tag. Has this been there all along and this is just the first time I’ve noticed?
(MAD TV)
Carl wonders why Eddie isn’t at the movies, and it’s because “Jolene ran out of money.” The men on this show never deserve the women they’re with. Jolene is a goddess, and she’s putting up with this cheap fuck? Carl takes the opportunity to dive back into the “what are you going to do when you’re grown up” conversations. Eddie, who would rather talk about anything else, thinks he should have just paid for the movie. No shit, Binky Bear. Carl suggests that Eddie start thinking about a career in law enforcement. Eddie says he’ll think about it, but Carl just ignores Eddie’s obvious misgivings on the matter, and tells Eddie that he is going to set up a ride-along for him the very next day.
The next day, Carl’s superior officer, Lt. Murtaugh, comes over to the Winslow’s house.
(Family Matters)
As I’ve mentioned before, Murtaugh is one of my favorite recurring characters on this show. He’s heard that Eddie is interested in becoming a cop, and he’s here to shake his hand. What a good dude! Eddie comes in with Urkel, and he tells Carl that he can’t go on the ride-along. Carl hustles Eddie off into the kitchen, and Urkel, left alone with Murtaugh, asks him if he’s ever frisked a woman before. Little pervert.
In the kitchen, Carl asks Eddie why he can’t go, and Eddie tells him that he’s got a great opportunity at a modeling agency that he doesn’t want to miss. Carl tells him that he’s disappointed in him, and then heads back into the living room.
I’m showing y’all this whole next scene, because it’s fantastic:
Every Carl/Urkel scene is amazing, every Murtaugh/Carl scene is amazing, and every Urkel/Murtaugh scene is amazing, so obviously, this, a scene with all three of them in it, was just the best. The “We plug ‘em, they patch ‘em” line was particularly delightful. There was, however, absolutely no reason for Carl to pretend that Steve was his son. I highly doubt that Murtaugh would have cared if Carl’s contribution to the force came from within or without his family.
Obviously, the producers of this show fell in love with the green screen after last week’s episode, because they went right back to the well:
Moving past Urkel’s parents using him as a pinata (another example of their abuse/neglect towards him), every episode needs this much Urkel. I know too much of a good thing can become tiresome, but I’ve seen “Carl reacts to Urkel doing Urkel things” hundreds of times, and I’m not sick of it yet, so it’s clearly a formula that works. A+B=C, where C is always equal to Carl and Steve having scenes together. My only question is whether Carl brought Steve golfing, or if the Urkman just followed him to the golf course. Who am I kidding? It’s 100% the latter. He’s got to keep his stalking game on point. (It also drove me crazy when Carl said, “Over and out” over the radio. I’m a communications guy in the Army, and there’s no time when he should ever be saying over and out at the same time. Just a big fucking nope from me, dawg.)
Carl and Urkel track the perp to the freight yard. I don’t like to get political, gang, but I’m a little peeved at Family Matters for perpetuating the stereotype that all boxcar related crime is committed by handsome white men in skinny jeans and a flannel shirt:
Swiper, no swiping! (Family Matters)
By the way, this dude walks right past obvious evidence that he had been living on this boxcar for a minute, and just leaves it there for Carl to find. Speaking of Carl, he pursues our handsome young criminal, holding his gun in a manner that would make it easy to shoot himself in the fucking face.
(Family Matters)
Practice muzzle awareness, Carl! Obviously, Urkel, who was told to wait in the car, absolutely does not, and distracts Carl just long enough for the perp to sneak out of the boxcar and trap Carl and Steve inside. Carl calls out for his backup, but they can’t hear him. The train starts to leave, to Carl’s dismay (and for some reason, Urkel’s delight).
Back at the Winslow house, Harriet is so nervous about Carl being late for dinner that she distractedly tries to bake the salad. Eddie comes home, and he’s super bummed out. He explains that by the time he got to the modeling agency, it was crawling with good looking guys. Rachel, horny as ever, asks where the modeling agency is. Eddie asks her for some sympathy, because his modeling career only lasted thirty minutes, and Laura strikes at him quickly, telling him that at least it lasted longer than most of his dates.
On the freight train, Carl and Steve share an emotional chat about how Urkel feels pressured by his father to become a brain surgeon, even though he hasn’t decided what he wants to do with his life yet. The Urkman confesses that he sometimes wishes Carl was his father, because he knows that Carl would give him the time and encouragement that he needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Carl admits that even though parents just want the best for their kids, they can sometimes get lost in what they think is right for them, even when it’s not necessarily what their child wants for themselves. Carl is sure that Urkel will make his parents really proud of him some day. I have to disagree. Urkel’s parents are selfish assholes who don’t give two shits about their kid. Steve thanks Carl for the talk, and they share a hug.
Conclusion:
Carl is back at home, telling Harriette and Rachel how he and Steve escaped from the boxcar. Apparently, Steve started singing “I’m so pretty” and all of the cows in the car bolted out through the walls. Oh yeah, there were cows in the boxcar with them. Here’s a picture of Urkel talking to one of them:
(Family Matters)
Anyway, Eddie asks to speak with Carl alone, and the rest of the family scampers upstairs (except Rachel, who again tries to stay and listen to a private conversation; solid character continuity). Eddie apologizes to Carl about missing the ride-along, but Carl tells him that no apology is necessary. He’s learned something from his ride with Steve: parents should let their kids figure out what they want to do with their lives. Carl promises to have Eddie’s back no matter what he decides to do. Carl asks Eddie, “Have I ever told you that you’re a good kid?” Eddie says, “I think you just did,” and the episode ends. Wow, that ending was corny as hell.
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.7, “Dog Day Halloween.”
