Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.7
“Dog Day Halloween”
Original Air Date: October 26, 1990
Last week, Carl took Steve on a ride-along in his police car, and Urkel fucked up a police investigation with no consequences whatsoever.
Before we get into it, let’s talk about something from last week. Reader Ben Bishop pointed out something that happened during the episode that I didn’t notice. I’ll directly quote him here:
All the talk about the bad green screen and not a word about Carl turning on the street in an early 80’s impala and then responding in a mid 70’s Plymouth? Looks like b-roll from Hill Street Blues.
I’ve never been mistaken for a car guy, but after screen-shotting both cars, it does appear that they are two different vehicles. Nice catch, Ben.
(Family Matters)
(Family Matters)
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should obviously like 7th Evan on Facebook. Following my personal account on Twitter seems essential as well, doesn’t it?
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Harriette are putting up Halloween decorations, and Carl laments having to be a policeman on October 31. He hates having to deal with shitty kids throwing eggs at his patrol car and toilet-papering everything. As he says this, we get the return of the shittiest kid of all:
Eddie has the perfect sized dome for this costume. He’s really pulling it off. Also, fuck Rodney. (Family Matters)
That’s right, Shitty Rodney is back, and he’s dressed as his idol, Don King. Honestly, I’m kind of glad to see Rodney realize that since he’s the sleaziest kid in town, being a promoter would be a fantastic career choice for him. I’m also glad to see him finally get some karmic comeuppance. Carl doesn’t want Eddie or Rodney contributing to some other cop’s nightmarish Halloween, so he frisks them, accidentally cracking an egg on Rodney’s head in the process:
(Family Matters)
I’m surprised Shitty Rodney didn’t accuse Carl of illegal search and seizure. Anyway, by no means do I want this character back in my life, but if the producers brought him back simply to crack an egg of justice on his face, that’s okay by me.
The Story:
After the ladies of the house discuss their various Halloween cotumes (yawn), Laura asks Carl how the decorating is going. Carl tells her that it’s still not quite scary enough. Because you’ve seen this show/read this blog before, you know that this is when Hurricane Urkel blows through. He offers Carl some peanut brittle, and when Carl opens it, out pops one of these:
(Family Matters)
These dumbass snake-in-a-can things were hugely popular in the nineties, mostly because Playstations weren’t around yet. Carl tells Urkel that this wasn’t funny, and he’s right, gang. Here’s a little PSA from your Uncle Evan: ninety percent of pranks aren’t funny. “Ooh, I surprised you and your surprised reaction wasn’t very cool!” No shit, no one looks cool when they’re surprised. Pranks are the lowest form of comedy, and I look down on everyone who does them. This goes double for April Fool’s Day, AKA the stupidest fucking holiday of all time.
Later, we arrive at the very cleverly named Investors Bank of Chicago, who have gone all out to celebrate Halloween:
(Family Matters)
From off in the distance, we can hear Urkel yell at Laura to slow down. Laura doesn’t want to be caught dead with Steve when he’s in his “embarrassing” Superman costume, even though she’s dressed like this:
(Family Matters)
I suppose that nerd culture had yet to become popular in America, so Urkel’s love of superheroes might have been considered embarrassing at the time. The Urkman follows her inside the bank, and we get this week’s edition of Big Urk Energy:
Steve asks Laura, “Is everything all right, Lois?” and Laura tells her that she’s not Lois Lane, she’s Tina Turner, and does a little shimmy to prove it:
(Family Matters)
Without doing any research on the subject whatsoever, I assume that this a spot-on impersonation of Tina Turner. Laura tells Steve that she just wants to cash her check and go buy some candy for the Winslows to give out to trick-or-treaters. Steve understands, so he immediately cuts her in line, causing all of the tellers to quickly close for the day in an attempt to avoid having to deal with Urkel, which is a good little joke. They are all successful in this endeavor except for a woman(?)* named Marcy, who couldn’t find her closed sign fast enough. She asks the Urkster what she can do for him, and what’s this? Big Urk Energy is evolving?
Of course Urkel has a check depositing song. Anything else would have been ridiculous. I like how in the background, the lady with the face mask portion of a kitten costume on (and nothing else from the costume) opens back up so that Laura can cash her check. Urkel and Marcy conclude the deposit, and he and Laura head for the exit, where Family Matters perpetuates that old “all criminal acts are committed by Abe Lincoln impersonators” stereotype:
(Family Matters)
Good on ol’ Marcy for being quick on the draw with the alarm. Anyway, Honest Abe calls Urkel over, and Steve tells him that he’ll do anything if he just doesn’t hurt his girlfriend. Laura, who was told to lie down the ground, sticks her head up so she can tell Lincoln that she’s not Steve’s girlfriend. Not the time, jerk. Lincoln tells all of the tellers to lie down next to Laura, who he calls “Aretha Franklin.” This sets up a quality bit where the robber calls her the wrong pop star’s name over and over (before the end of the episode, he’ll also call her Diana Ross, Patti Labelle, Paula Abdul, and Chaka Khan). Abe tells Urkel to grab some money and put it in a bag, which is Lincoln’s worst idea since taking in a show at Ford’s Theater (if you had “less than a paragraph” in the “how long until Evan makes an assassination joke” pool, congratulations, you win). Steve trips over everything he could possibly trip over on his way behind the counter, somehow breaking nothing. He gets the money for Lincoln, who attempts to flee, but the cops have arrived. “You, Abraham Lincoln, freeze!” says a voice that is obviously Carl’s, but neither Steve nor Laura recognize it. Lincoln tells them, “Looks like we’re going to be spending some time together,” and he takes off his disguise for no reason whatsoever. Now you’re on camera, man, you’re definitely not getting away with this robbery anymore.
*I’m not trying to assume anyone’s genders, ya dig?
Outside, Carl is greeted by LT Murtaugh, who immediately starts praising the virtues of the CDs from Investor’s Bank of Chicago. This is a good callback to episode 2.1, when Carl lost five grand on an investment that was suggested to him by Murtaugh. The show tries to portray Murtaugh as a dummy, because he asks his sergeant for advice on what to do with this bank robbery situation, but I think it’s a good idea for him to rely on the experience and wisdom of his staff before ultimately making the decision. Speaking of which, Murtaugh wants to enter the bank guns blazing (which is a nice callback to that “we plug ‘em, they patch ‘em” line from last week), but Carl convinces him to take a more tactful approach: making contact with Abraham Lincoln so that they can hear his demands.
Back inside the bank, the phone rings, and Lincoln answers. It’s Carl, obviously. Lincoln gives him his list of demands, and Carl accepts, as long as no one is hurt. He tells the bank robber that it will take him about four hours to get him everything he wants, and Murtaugh wants to know why this will take him so long. I really don’t understand why they are going out of there way here to make Murtaugh look like a bumbling fool, especially since they set him up last week as a no-nonsense, respectable guy. Carl patiently explains to LT Murtaugh that he’s just stalling for time, and then asks Honest Abe if he can speak with one of the hostages. Obviously, Lincoln chooses Laura, and once she surprisingly exclaims, “Dad?!!” the stakes have been raised for both Lincoln and Carl.
Back at the Winslow house, two punk-ass trick-or-treaters steal all of the candy that the Winslows have left to give out. Their father, who is dressed as a clown, is proud of them. Mother Winslow says absolutely nothing to them, but complains about them as soon as the door is closed. She’s all bark and no bite. The door opens, and uh oh:
(Family Matters)
Judy (dressed as Janet Jackson) and New Little Ritchie (Raphael from the Ninja Turtles) come in, and what’s this? The adorable little tyke stole all of her candy! She realizes this a second too late, and NLR scampers off, turtle shell flapping in the wind.
We return to the bank, where Abraham Lincoln is telling the cops that if his pizza isn’t delivered in the next five minutes, a hostage is going to die. He seems pretty hangry. Lincoln goes to look out the window, and Steve whispers to Laura that he thinks he can take the robber. What follows is the type of scene that the Family Matters crew will fall head over heels in love with, and will set the stage for every “Steve transforms into Bruce Lee” scene:
I love how even though this was a fantasy, Urkel imagined Laura telling him that she’s okay with him getting shot dead. Urkel tries to pull the same stunt that he had imagined in his head, and reality does not go nearly as well. He’s unable to get the drop on Honest Abe, and he has to scamper back to where the rest of the hostages are sitting. The Urkman was honestly very lucky to not have been shot there. The pizza finally arrives, and the delivery man is Carl in a wig, pretending to be Jamaican. Abe thinks something is fishy here, so he tells Carl to open the first pizza. Sure enough, there’s a cheese pizza in that box, so Lincoln opens the other pizza as well. The snakes from Urkel’s earlier prank jump out, and that’s enough of a distraction for Carl to take out the bank robber. The hostages celebrate, except for Urkel, who hangs his head sadly.
Conclusion:
Back at the Winslow house, Harriette and Estelle have been forced to hand out canned goods, due to their lack of candy. If only one of the three adults in the house could have made a trip to the store. Laura, Carl, and Urkel come in, and Laura is accosted by the females in her family for not bringing the candy home. She retreats to the kitchen and they pursue her, having no idea that she has just been through a traumatic event. Steve asks to speak with Carl, and confesses that he was too much of a coward to stop the robbery. Carl tells him that he was scared too, and that he’s glad that Urkel didn’t make a move on Honest Abe, because he didn’t have the training to deal with the situation. Carl, of course, has had plenty of experience with hostage situations, thanks to his friendship with John McClane. Carl thanks Steve for sticking by his daughter throughout the event, and calls Steve a hero. Urkel says, “Thanks, mon,” and hugs Carl, ending the show.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.8, Cousin Urkel. It seems too early for this to be Myrtle Urkel, but I pray to god that it is.
