Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.8
“Cousin Urkel”
Original Air Date: November 2, 1990
Last week, Steve tried to save Laura from a bank robber, and then wimped out. I’m not saying that it wasn’t the right decision, but that is what happened.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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Cold Open:
Okay gang, I hope you’re strapped in safely, because right off the rip:
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Rachel is just finishing up a bed-time story for New Little Ritchie, but he wants to read it again:
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You’ll notice that he opens the book to the middle, and then says, “Once upon a time.” I don’t know if that was meant to be cute or whatever, but that book sure as shit doesn’t have “once upon a time” written on page eight. Rachel brings NLR up to bed, and Hurricane Urkel rolls in. Carl informs Steve that he’s busy with a game of solitaire, and tells him to scram. Urkel convinces Carl to play one hand of gin rummy, which Carl agrees to do on one condition: if he wins, the Urkman has to go home. Carl deals, and Urkel’s enthusiasm when receiving the cards is absolutely priceless:
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Carl goes to play his first card, but every time he’s about to put in on the table, Urkel gasps excitedly. I can’t really tell if he has the worst poker face known to man or not, but I prefer to think that the Urkster was able to see the cards Carl was about to play (because Carl was doing a terrible job hiding them), and therefore waited to not react until Carl was about to play the exact card he needed. Regardless, as soon as Carl plays the card, Steve picks it up, and of course he has gin.
The Story:
We pick the story up immediately after the cold open, which almost never happens on this show. Laura and Eddie come strolling in, and he’s pissed because she put Jheri curl in his deodorant. Okay, I know what a Jheri curl is, because I grew up watching Pedro Martinez pitch for the Red Sox, but I had no idea that there was a product specifically designed to make that happen. I assume it made his armpits sting? Maybe his armpit hair just got a glow-up. Eddie promises Laura that he’ll get her back for this, and she tells him that she’s going to go buy some boots so that she can shake in them. That’s a solid line. Laura is at her best when she’s needling Eddie. Urkel basically explodes in his pants at the thought of Laura in boots for some reason, and Carl sees his opportunity to pawn Urkel off on his children. Laura also skedaddles, leaving Steve alone with Eddie. Urkel asks him, for what seems like the hundredth time, what he needs to do to get Laura to go out with him, and Eddie tells him that he should wake her up with song. Eddie is obviously trying to get Laura back for the Jheri curl incident, but Steve, who is so smart that he will eventually invent a time machine, is unable to see through Eddie’s blatant charade.
Later that night, Urkel climbs a tree, pulls his accordion up using a rope, and let’s his feelings out through the majesty of song:
My favorite parts of this clip are the cats screeching at the sound of Steve’s voice and Laura (who is roughly fourteen at this point in the show) still having a tapestry on the wall that explains which words start with what letters. Carl and Eddie burst in, and this starts a fantastic trend for this episode:
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In this episode, every time Carl comes (tee-hee) to investigate loud noises, he’s wearing a police shirt with some sort of sexual innuendo on it. I choose to take this as the producers of a 1990’s family sitcom telling me in the only way they possibly can that Carl and Harriette were interrupted mid-coitus. I’ve always had a theory that they wanted a fourth child (third if you don’t count Judy, and no one would blame you), but were too busy stopping Urkel from destroying their house to conceive one. Carl leaves after finding out it was just Urkel doing Urkel stuff, and Eddie taunts Laura with the knowledge that his revenge scheme went exactly as planned.
What I assume is a few days later, the Winslows are having family dinner, and everyone there has a very calm and zen-like attitude, because Steve Urkel is hundreds of miles away. Apparently, some of the neighbors were so angry at Urkel’s midnight serenade that they started launching bricks at his house. His parents (instead of, you know, raising a child properly) sent him to stay with some relatives until things blow over. If it seems like things are too good to be true for Carl and the fam, it’s because they are:
That’s right y’all, it’s Myrtle fucking Urkel! From last week’s OUM:
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.8, “Cousin Urkel.” It seems too early for this to be Myrtle Urkel, but I pray to god that it is.
I didn’t think that the producers would have been in this mindset already, but I dig that they are. I’ve always said that this show is at its best when someone in the writing room says aloud, “What if Urkel did X” or “What if we dressed Urkel like X?” It’s such a foolproof formula. Then you can go to Reginald VelJohnson and say, “Okay, Reg, how would Carl’s face react to that?” Comedy 101, bay-bay! I feel like this is a good time to mention how Jaleel White knew that he was such a good actor that this character would just plain work, and the realization that his friends would certainly see him dressed as a girl reduced him to tears. Seriously, his talent was so immense that he knew it would get him bullied. This isn’t hubris, because he’s right. He’s just as good at playing Myrtle as he is at playing Steve, even though the difference between those two characters is so subtle. He just crushes it. Such a talented guy. But I digress. The Winslows are shocked to see a feminine Urkel standing before them, and Myrtle explains in her southern drawl that her parents would only take in Steve if they could send Myrtle to Chicago. Rachel smartly dubs this the “Urkel Exchange Program.” Eddie comes in, and Myrtle loses her mind in lust. My years of watching professional wrestling have taught me that sometimes stories are the best when the most obvious route is taken. Male Urkel is in love with Laura, so it makes sense that female Urkel would be in love with Eddie. The girl version of his scrawny pal creeps Eddie out to the max, and he bolts from the room.
Some time later (a few days, if I were to hazard a guess), Harriette, Rachel, and Myrtle are sitting at the kitchen table, trying on lipstick. Myrtle talks shit about Rachel’s choice in lipstick, or in other words, throws shade at her shade. Eddie and Laura come in, and Myrtle makes another pass at Eddo, even trying a trust fall approach, but to no avail. Eddie flees the room, and Laura gives Myrtle some advice: Eddie’s most passionate desire is for a beautiful woman to wake him with a kiss. Myrtle thanks Laura for her sage wisdom, and declares that she will steal into Eddie’s room that very evening.
That night, Myrtle uses the siding of the Winslows’ house to scale her way up to Eddie’s room. Unfortunately, it breaks off as she reaches his window, and she falls to the earth. Undeterred, she next tries to use a ladder, but that too falls from the house, and she falls with it. A desperate Myrtle turns to her last resort:
Myrtle uses a motherfucking grappling hook, and climbs (with some effort) into Eddie’s bedroom. She attempts to kiss him, but luckily Eddie wakes up just in time (even though a grappling hook being tossed into his open window did not even cause him to stir). Carl, Harriette and Laura come rushing in, and Carl is wearing another sex shirt:
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Myrtle, unlike her cousin Steve, recognizes that Eddie does not appreciate her advances, so she retreats out of the window from whence she came. Carl and Harriette figure out that Eddie and Laura have been playing pranks on each other, and using the Urkel cousins to do so. They instruct the children to apologize to both of them first thing the next morning, when Steve returns from his exile.
Conclusion:
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The next day, Eddie, Laura, and both Urkel cousins are seated at the kitchen table.I remember this shocking me as a kid, because even though it would have made zero sense plot-wise, I assumed that “Myrtle” was just Steve in a dress, trying to Mrs. Doubtfire the Winslow family. Eddie and Laura ask the Urkels for forgiveness, and Myrtle tells them that she and Steve will need to talk it over. After the Winslows have left the room, Steve and Myrtle decide that they have definitely been “used and abused” by their crushes. They somehow infer that this means that the Winslow kids are in love with them, so they head back into the living room, and tell them that Myrtle is trying to convince her father to sell his property so that they can move to Chicago, and they can all be together forever. The Urkels hug their respective Winslow crush, and the episode ends.
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.9, “Dedicated to the One I Love."
