Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.9
“Dedicated to the One I Love”
Original Air Date: November 9, 1990
Last week, Steve’s skeevy attempts to woo Laura landed him in some hot water, so his folks traded him for an Urkel to be named later.za
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should obviously like 7th Evan on Facebook. Following my personal account on Twitter seems essential as well, doesn’t it?
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie, Judy, and New Little Ritchie are in the living room, helping to put the finishing touches on packing up for a fishing trip. Eddie says that he wishes he was going, which lets you know that this trip is not for the whole family. Harriette and Carl come in, and Harriette speaks candidly about how she thinks taking a solo fishing trip is insane. Carl waxes poetic about how risk and adventure is the whole point of a trip like this, and we’re led to believe that he’s speaking about himself. But wait, is that Mother Winslow’s music?!
(Family Matters)
So, for those of you keeping track, this elderly woman plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, and goes on solo fishing expeditions.
The Story:
Harriette is sitting in the living room, drinking coffee with a woman who just moved into a house across the street. I guess no one warned her about the wacky neighbor down the street who plays accordion at all hours and sets shit on fire. Carl comes in, and Harriette introduces him to their new neighbor, whose name is Loretta McKay. Carl tells her that if there’s anything that he can do to help, to just let him know. She cashes in immediately, because as Harriette tells Carl, Loretta’s “hot water heater isn’t working.” The way she said that is dumb. Why would you need to heat hot water? Anyway, Carl asks, “Does it has a resume? I’ll ask around!” and Loretta cracks up. This should have set off an alarm for both Harriette and Carl immediately. A piece of friendly advice for you, gentleman (and ladies looking for ladies, but you probably already know, being one yourself): If you make a joke that you know isn’t very funny, but she laughs anyway, she likely wants to jump your bones. Unfortunately, I can’t use this strategy myself, because everything I say is a goddamn riot. Carl gets up to go take a look at Loretta’s water heater, and Harriette heads into the kitchen to make dinner. On the way out the door, Loretta casually mentions how handsome Carl is, which is another, less subtle way to let him know she wants to fuck him.
At Rachel’s Place, we get another edition of “three random couple dance kind of near each other”:
I respect that they followed the number one rule of awkward teenage dancing: scatter immediately afterwards. After they’ve finished skedaddling, Laura brings a root beer over to a shy girl wearing glasses. She walks away and is intercepted by Urkel, who has brought a present for her: he’s seen to it that a star was named “Laura.” She thinks that’s pretty cool, and he tells her that it’s only right that “a heavenly body be named after a heavenly body.” I’m not sure if this should cause Laura to finally agree to date him or to finally get a restraining order on him. Laura walks away, and Shy Glasses (whose name, as it turns out, is Susie) tells her that she wishes that Steve Urkel would be interested in her. Laura, eager to make Urkel someone else’s problem, drags him over to meet her:
(Family Matters)
After an awkward start, these two hit it off, and Laura brags of her genius to Rachel.
At the Winslow’s front door, Loretta is thanking Carl for trying to fix her water heater. True to his character, he made it explode instead of fixing it. Carl tells her that he’ll see her later, and she says, “Not too much later, I hope,” and kisses him on the cheek. Carl giggles, and doesn’t even notice Harriette staring at him as he heads towards the kitchen. She tells him that he’s late for dinner, and reprimands him for not calling. Carl is disappointed that he’s not getting dinner, and he heads towards the kitchen again, determined to get himself a Pop-Tart. Harriette asks him if he even recognizes what’s happening between him and Loretta. Carl seems genuinely confused, but it may be an act. If he didn’t get that she was flirting with him, what was up with the giggling? Harriette warns him to watch his ass, and then heads off to punish him by eating all of his Pop-Tarts.
Back at Rachel’s place, Urkel and Susie walk in, and she points out that the booth that they met at is available. Steve sees an opportunity to sweep her off her feet, and he (literally) takes it:
(Family Matters)
Carrying girls in your arms is fun, but I’m surprised that Susie wasn’t embarrassed by Urkel’s ride on the struggle bus. I used to date a gal who would only let me pick her up if I agreed that she could slap me if I showed any sign of exertion. That always seemed fair to me. Rachel and Laura come over to their table, and Rachel tells Steve that he’s late for work. Urkel apologizes, and tells her that he was out buying a gift for his “Suse.” He bestows a locket onto his girlfriend of barely a week, and Laura walks away, clearly jealous. Rachel walks over and calls her out on her jealous attitude, and Laura brushes it off, but as soon as Rachel walks away, Laura continues to look longingly at Urkel and his new bae.
In the Winslow’s living room, Harriette confesses to Mother Winslow that she’s nervous about Carl spending so much time with Loretta, who Estelle agrees is a “man-burglar.” I like that they keep the “we know she’s trying to fuck Carl because she’s certainly not interested in his handy-man skills” joke going. Estelle tells Harriette that she knows it’s tough, but Harriette has to trust Carl. It’s fantastic advice, especially since it’s the opposite of the advice she gave when Carl’s new partner was a smoke-show.
In the kitchen, Laura, who is obviously still feeling super weird about her jealousy at Urkel and Susie’s relationship, phones Steve and asks him to come over the next morning so that they can talk. Before she is even done asking him, Urkel bursts through the door:
Imagine being the guy in the writer’s room who’s like, “He should still have suds on his body!” Laura explains to Urkel that had been starting to feel jealous of his and Susie’s relationship, but she came to her senses and realized that they were perfect for each other. Laura is doing that girl thing where she is starting to develop feelings for Steve, but she knows that she shouldn’t, so she pretends to do the “right thing” and tells him that she’s happy for him. She doesn’t fully know it about herself yet, but she adores the attention that he gives her, even though he’s the world’s most annoying human being. At this point, I honestly can’t decide who I think is a worse person, Laura or the Urkman. Urkel tells Laura that he broke up with Susie, and introduced her to the captain of the chess team. Apparently, he knew that she needed a confidence boost, so he dated her for a week and then set her up with someone he thought would be a good fit for her. What a manipulative little shit; he’s definitely worse than Laura. With Susie out of the way, Urkel can get back to his true passion, which is stalking Laura. His love for her has been invigorated yet again by her giving him a small glimmer of hope. She should probably stop making a habit out of doing that.
Carl comes in through the front door, and Loretta follows shortly after. She’s brought him a gift, to thank him for all of his hard work. It’s a pair of musical underwear, and it plays, “Only You” by The Platters. She then invites him over to her place to model them for her. Carl, who by now has realized that Harriette was right about Loretta all along, spurns her advances, and tell her that she’ll have to find a new handyman
The Conclusion:
Later, Harriette comes home from…working out? Swimming? I don’t know, she’s got a towel on her shoulder. Carl tells her that she was right, and that Loretta made a pass at him. He tells her that he should have listened to her from the beginning, but he underestimated his own animal magnetism. The way he said, “animal magnetism” made me chuckle pretty hard for some reason. Harriette tells her that she was scared that something was going to happen between him and Loretta, and that she’d have had to kill him. Carl tells her (for what feels like the fifth or sixth time already) that she’s the only woman for him, now and forever. They kiss, and something happens in Carl’s pants:
Harriette rightfully asks him what the hell is going on, and he tells her that he’ll explain upstairs. The two of them bolt up the staircase, and the episode ends. I doubt she’ll still want to have sex with him after he explains where the underwear came from.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 2.10, “The Science Project.” Seems too early for this to be the one where Urkel makes a tornado, but I thought that about the Myrtle episode too.
