Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.10
“The Science Project”
Original Air Date: November 16, 1990
Last week, Urkel manipulated a poor young woman for what turned out to be for no reason. Sociopaths be doing sociopath things, ya know?
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Harriette are sitting on the couch when Estelle walks in. She’s just lost a bunch of cash playing bridge, and she feels like she was swindled out of her money by her friends, who she thinks were sending each other signals using their dentures. Harriette asks why she’d still be friends with people like that, and Estelle tells her that all of her honest friends are dead. This reminds me of something that happened yesterday in one of my classes. The professor mentioned that his eighty-eight-year-old mother had no filter, and the guy in front of me said that she had no peer pressure either. I have no idea how I was the only person to laugh at that. “Speaking of dead friends and money,” Estelle has a friend whose son just started selling life insurance, and she thinks that Carl needs to get some. Carl tells her that the last thing he needs is more car insurance, and immediately steps on a skateboard:
I’d assume that this was Eddie’s skateboard, but you never know, it could be Mother Winslow’s. A couple of weird things about this scene: 1) Harriette listening really hard to make sure that Carl’s okay, instead of simply opening the door and 2) When Carl heads off into the kitchen, we hear the sound of a shit-ton of a glass shattering. We all know how the Winslow kitchen is set up, and Carl was heading towards the kitchen table. You’re telling me that he rammed so hard into the table that it knocked every piece of glassware that they’ve ever owned onto the floor? Maybe Rachel has restarted her recycling drive, or perhaps Stone Cold Steve Austin just happened to enter the house at that exact moment.
The Story:
Carl, Harriette, and Judy are in the living room, and Harriette tells Judy to go up to bed. Judy is annoyed because she almost made it to Arsenio, which was a talk show hosted by (if you can believe it) a man named Arsenio Hall.
(Hollywood Reporter)
After Judy heads up to bed, Carl and Harriette start “family sitcom making out”, which is when two people move their faces so close together that you can barely tell that they aren’t actually kissing. Laura comes in, and Carl laments that he and Harriette only had five seconds alone. Harriette says that’s all it took to make Judy, and the two share a laugh. Not a great look for Carl. Anyway, Laura is pissed that she only has a B in her science class, so she grounds herself.
Later, we catch up with both Laura and Urkel, who are attending science class, which is obviously extremely boring unless you’re a huge nerd. The teacher, Mr. Nagy, even acknowledges this, telling the class to “try and focus (their) vacant stares in (his) general direction.” He announces that they are all to pair off for a science project, with the best project being entered into the city science fair. Urkel gets a huge science erection, and, being a teenage male, can’t contain his (s)excitement:
As soon as the teacher steps out, everyone in the class tries their best to get Urkel to partner up with them, including my favorite “that kid” that’s been on the show thus far:
(Family Matters)
His name is Aaron Lohr, but you may know him from “Newsies”, “Rent,” “A Goofy Movie,” or (as I know him) as Dean Portman in the Mighty Ducks trilogy. Here he is stripping in the penalty box. Urkel gets offered everything from party invitations to pocket protectors. The one student who noticeably does not participate in this kiss-assery is Laura.
Later, Laura is sitting in the Winslow living room when the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find Urkel, who explains that he didn’t just barge in is because he’d never been invited over before,so he thought he should ring the bell. This, of course, is a lie. It’s been less than the length of one episode since Laura invited him over to talk to him about his manipulady, Suzie. Laura tells him that he’s dressed interestingly, even for him. Steve informs her that every piece of clothing was given to him by his desperate classmates, all the way down to his Enrico Fermi Odor Eaters. This is some good foreshadowing for later, since Enrico Fermi has been called, “The Architect of the Atomic Bomb.” Laura does some simple flirting (essentially promising him nothing more than the potential for their relationship to change and the guarantee of one movie date if they get an A on the project) and Steve agrees to be her partner. As Urkel goes to leave, Laura blows him a kiss. Rachel, who walked in at the tail end of this exchange, admonishes Laura for using Steve, especially since he has real feelings for her. Laura tells her that no one will get hurt, and Rachel warns her that this could blow up in her face. Laura blows off this advice and decides to take a nap.
Later, Laura is still napping, but we hear the wind chimes that have come to universally signal a dream sequence. I legitimately can’t remember a time when I didn’t know that this noise meant that the person was dreaming. The dream opens with Steve in his science lair. Laura arrives, and it’s clear that she’s never been here before. We’ll find out soon that this lair is indeed real, so did Laura dream it into existence, like Al Gore did with Man-Bear-Pig? Laura asks to see the project, so Urkel makes his big reveal: he has used the power of science to duplicate an atom bomb.
We see a shot of Laura napping, and she’s now tossing and turning. Then, we hear those chimes again, and jump right back into the dream. Laura is understandably a bit upset about the prospect of living near an atom bomb, but Urkel tells her not to fret, because the bomb can only be activated by a very specific voice-activated code; it will only explode if Urkel says the word, “buttercup.” Of course, he immediately offers Laura a Reese’s peanut butter cup, activating the bomb, as well as a hash tag adorable pixelated version of Urkel:
Back in the 90’s, these pixelated computer proxies were all the rage. I recall Alfred having one of himself located in the Batcave in “Batman & Robin.” I’m not sure why creative types thought we would get to the point where AI would be able to duplicate a person’s conscious thoughts before we’d be able to project clear images, but what do I know? Laura, knowing she has only five minutes to live, runs home to warn her family.
Back at the Winslow dream house, Carl and Harriette are getting life insurance pitched to them…by Mr. Nagy? Laura was not present for the conversation about insurance, so why is her subconscious projecting it into her dream? Laura runs in and explains what’s happened to her family, who take it pretty damn well, to be honest:
After watching her parents, grandmother, and science teacher dance off into the kitchen, Laura finally gets the bright idea to call 911, who are definitely equipped to prevent a catastrophe in less than ninety seconds. She searches for about ten precious seconds, then finally finds Eddie in the closet. He’s on the phone with Jolene, who “thinks (he’s) cuter than Fresh Prince.” I guess this is ABC’s way of taking a shot at NBC’s brand-new show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” which had been on the air for a little more than a month at that point. Dream Jolene is full of shit. Eddie Winslow is by no means an ugly man, but Will Smith has had one of the longest runs of “handsome-ass man” of anyone on the planet. It’s been like thirty years, and dude is still throwing a mid-nineties fastball. Eddie slams the door on Laura, and down the stairs comes Aunt Rachel, dressed exactly like the shitty Christmas tree topper that my grandparents had for like fifty years and refused to throw out:
(Family Matters)
Rachel’s like, “I told you not to use Steve. Now we’re all going to die. Thanks, jerk.” She floats off to the kitchen, where I hope to God she’s going to turn off her smug attitude and say a proper goodbye to New Little Ritchie. Laura starts saying, “I’m so sorry!” over and over again, which is a tell-tale sign that she’s about to wake up, but wait, because this dream isn’t over just yet:
What’s up with the smattering of laughter after the mushroom cloud appears? At least a few people in the crowd thought that it would be hilarious if Chicago blew up. It is a legendary, “Did I do that?” moment though.
Conclusion:
Urkel comes in to find Laura still tossing and turning on the living room couch. Naturally, he stares at her until she wakes up, causing her to scream. I’m not sure what was so surprising about this to her. Creepers gonna creep. After regaining her composure, Laura apologizes to Urkel for using him FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THREE WEEKS. Urkel (also for the second time in three weeks) forgives her, and tells her he’ll still be her science partner.
Two weeks later, the Winslow family is gathered around Laura and Steve’s science project, which is a small rocket that Urkel named “Laura.” NLR wants to see it fly, but Harriette insists that they do not launch a rocket inside her house. What a bitch. The Urkman tells her not to worry, because the rocket will only launch if he presses a complicated combination of numbers into the “remote,” which is just a standard calculator. Of course, he accidentally sits on it, which miraculously presses the exact numbers that he needed to launch the rocket. The rocket takes off, destroying the Winslow’s ceiling, which brings our SUB-total to twenty-three, and also ends the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down episode 2.11, “Requiem for an Urkel.”
