Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.11
“Requiem for an Urkel”
Original Air Date: November 23, 1990
Last week, Carl bought life insurance from Laura’s science teacher.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Harriette comes in through the front door, and her hair is just a monstrosity:
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It legitimately looks like she murdered a small animal and stuck it on top of her head. Rachel comes downstairs, and the two of them have a forgettable conversation about something that happened to Harriette at work. Estelle comes into the room and says that she heard someone come in and thought it might have been her date. No knock or doorbell ring occurred, so I guess she thought that he would just walk in like he owned the place. The doorbell rings (so it turns out that her date is classier than she thought), and it’s this fucking stud:
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His name is Fletcher Thomas, and even watching as a kid I could tell this dude was smooth AF. He hands her a single rose, which is TV speak for “this guy fucks.” Total Stefan move. Estelle tells the ladies not to wait up, and they giggle as he guides her out the door, lightly touching her arm. They have a very playful vibe. The two of them are elderly relationship goals.
The Story:
Harriette is painting her toenails in the living room when Laura comes in. Laura tells her that there is a Sadie Hawkins dance coming up (one where the girls ask the boys, for anyone that has never seen mid-90’s television), and that she wants to ask Greg Hudson, who she describes as a Greek god with his own moped. We don’t yet know who Greg is, but I have to say that she isn’t far off. Harriette tells her that she better be home before eleven, and Laura flips out. I have to say, these Winslow kids don’t know how good they had it. My curfew was ten o’clock until I was eighteen. Harriette notices that Laura is wearing the new nightgown that she bought her, and tells Laura to model it for her. That’s right about the time that Hurricane Urkel rolls on through. He sees Laura in her nightgown (which isn’t sexy in the slightest) and passes the fuck out:
Here’s hoping that New Little Ritchie is stuck on that toilet for a long while. I love any scene that forces Jo Marie Peyton to run, because she’s always leaning a little bit towards one side, and nobody runs like that. Also, regarding Jaleel White’s pratfall: I feel like that dude had to do so many ridiculous stunt falls that he would have been a halfway decent professional wrestler. Urkel asks Laura to ask him to the dance, and she tells him that she’s going to ask Greg. Steve strikes a deal with her: if Greg says no (which Urkel says would be a result of inbreeding), Laura and Steve will go together.
At Unnamed Middle School, we get the return of Shawn Harrison as Waldo Geraldo Faldo (not, as some websites put it, Waldo Dildo Faldo), even though in canon we don’t know his name yet:
OF COURSE Urkel has an alarm on his locker. I love Waldo saying “Willie” at the end of every question, too. This show needs him in it as much as possible. After Urkel does his best “detective at the beginning of a crime movie” bit, Laura asks Greg to the dance, and it’s Aaron Lohr again, obviously:
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Unfortunately, this is the last episode for Lohr, as he’s about to become way too busy breaking Bombay’s curfew rules and singing about the last day of school. After a threatening look from Willie, Greg turns Laura down for the dance, and she leaves, crestfallen. I guess his parents really were siblings. Urkel approaches Greg, and he’s like, “What the heck, man?” Greg tells him that Willie had told Laura to ask him to the dance, but she declined. Steve is proud of her and calls her a “feisty filly.” That is the second time that he’s compared a woman to a young female horse. Good enough for Urkel, good enough for me. I’m bringing it back. Willie was so mad at his rejection that he put the word out that he’d kick the ass of anyone who agreed to go to the dance with Laura. Urkel thinks that Willie’s master plan was to force Laura to go to the dance alone, but that’s not exactly right. His true plan was to force her to go with Steve. This is too much for the Urkster to handle, so he walks up to Willie and hands him another big heaping helping of Big Urk Energy:
Gotta love the stereotypical gym teacher who thinks these kids are better off fighting each other under supervision than going to the principal’s office. I also very much enjoyed Waldo’s “Do you think he’ll really be wearing bells?” line.
Later, Steve and Carl enter a boxing gym. Carl asks Urkel if he’s sure that he wants to go through with the fight, and the Urkman tells him that he has to, since Laura’s honor was “impugned by that pugnacious pile of putrid pond poop.” Pop them p’s, playa. Carl tells him to get into the ring. After an obligatory “Urkel struggles to get into the ring” scene, Carl gets down to business:
Don’t lie, you laughed every time Urkel punched Carl in the face. Shit was an absolute riot. I was legitimately belly laughing. Carl mentions to Steve that his best strategy is to focus on not getting hit and hope Willie gets tired.
Back at the Winslow residence, Estelle and my main man Fletcher are home from their date. They share a tender kiss, which Carl is present for. Carl busts up this nice moment, because he can’t handle that his elderly mother doesn’t want to die alone. He tells Fletcher that he’s a cop, and Fletcher’s like “That’s nice” because he is in his 80’s, and he does not give one fuck. Once he leaves, Estelle must convince Carl that it’s perfectly fine for a single woman (especially one with a middle-aged son) to go on dates with nice men like Fletcher. Carl relents (like he has a goddamn choice), but heads off to run a background check on Fletcher. I’m actually okay with that.
Conclusion:
On the day of the fight, the school gym is packed with students and various members of the Winslow family. Even Fletcher is there, because there’s nothing an old man wants to see more than a nerdy kid he doesn’t know get his ass kicked. Willie enters to a rousing chorus of boos, which makes me a little sad, because Waldo is also there, and he deserves to be showered with praise. Speaking of praise, Urkel enters to the roar of the crowd. He’s wearing a robe that Mother Winslow made him that says, “Iron Man Urkel” on the back:
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You’ll notice that his fight team, which consists of Carl and Eddie, are wearing rainbow colors. The Urkster was a champion of gay rights way before it was cool. The fight begins, and Urkel immediately gets knocked down. Carl tells him to do “The Urkel Shuffle,” and the Urkman starts deftly dodging all of Willie’s punches. He gets too cocky, though, and starts dancing around like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV:
Unfortunately for Steve, this fight is going to end only slightly better than Apollo’s fight with Ivan Drago. After that first punch knocks Urkel silly, Willie keeps hitting Urkel with shot after shot. Laura runs over and tells him to stay down, but Urkel refuses. After another brutal hay-maker, Steve is literally on the ropes, and it’s obvious that he’s concussed. As Willie lines up for a punch to the back of Urkel’s head that almost certainly would have killed him, Greg stands up and yells, “Hold it!” I guess he finally remembered that he’s a bash brother. He tells Willie that after he finishes Urkel, he’ll have to fight him as well. One by one, all of the male students rise to their feet and claim that they’ll fight Willie. Willie runs for it, and Waldo follows suit. I imagine he went home and thought long and hard about who his best friend should be. Greg offers to take Laura to the dance, but she’s decided to go with her champion, Steven Q. Urkel. Carl lifts Urkel up onto the stool, and the whole audience applauds his effort, ending the episode.
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Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.12, “Fast Eddie Winslow.”
