Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.12
“Fast Eddie Winslow”
Original Air Date: November 30, 1990
Last week, Carl taught Urkel how to box, but more importantly, he taught him how to love.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Uh oh:
(Family Matters)
New Little Ritchie is coloring, and Rachel asks him why he colored a tree in purple. He probably drew the tree purple because he’d never seen a purple tree, and to be honest, he wanted to see a purple tree. NLR lets her know that he likes to use different colors. He then asks her why people are different colors, and she tells him “I guess God likes to use different colors too.” Estelle comes out in her tennis outfit from Episode 2.1, and Rachel asks her who she’s playing today. Estelle tells her that none of her female friends are good enough to hang with her anymore. Just then, a knock comes at the door, and it’s a kindly looking elderly fellow. Rachel pulls Estelle aside and ask if he’s good enough, and Estelle tells her that even though he’s a terrible player, he’s good enough, if you know what she’s saying. I’m kind of just mad at her for stepping out on my main man Fletcher.
The Story:
Harriette is in the kitchen when Carl comes in from the living room. He had a great day, because he was on a stakeout at a donut shop. Carl 100% has diabetes in 2019. Harriette is sad to spoil his good mood, but she breaks the bad news that Judy is in danger of flunking English. The two of them head upstairs to talk to her, just as Eddie comes in. He’s followed closely by Urkel and…*sigh* Shitty Rodney:
(Family Matters)
Why is Urkel throwing so many crosses when Carl specifically told him to focus on mostly jabs? Rodney tells Eddie that he can’t believe that he lost nineteen games of pool in a row to him. Urkel corrects him and tells Rodney that he actually lost twenty games in a row, and since they were playing a dollar per game, Rodney owes Eddie twenty dollars. Rodney asks Eddie if he can hurt Urkel, and Eddie tells him “not in the house.” Rodney tries to trick Steve into going outside with him, but Urkel isn’t dumb, so he stays put. Rodney leaves without saying goodbye, because he’s the goddamn worst. Urkel has a brief interaction with Laura, who (it’s implied) pushes him. It’s about damn time that Urkel took a stalking-related beating. Carl comes downstairs, and Eddie tells him about shit-kicking Rodney at the pool hall. After Eddie tells his father that his nickname is “Fast Eddie” and that he took twenty dollars off Rodney in the process, Carl tells him that he doesn’t want him gambling. Urkel quips that when you’re playing Rodney, it’s not gambling. Eddie makes the weirdest laugh in the entire world and then he and Steve do an impromptu strut out the door:
Carl is absolutely justified in making a disgusted face at the end of that sequence.
Later, at a pool hall called “Corner Pocket,” Eddie, Shitty Rodney and the Urkman walk in, even though the pool hall is 18+. Eddie does that thing that kids who are too young to be somewhere do: he makes a face that conveys, “I suppose this place will do.”
(Family Matters)
I know I have dragged on a young Darius McCrary’s acting at times, but the truth of the matter is that he grows to be an exceptional actor, and that was very well done. Being around RVJ on a daily basis is doing everyone in the cast a world of good. After Urkel loudly points out that they’re not supposed to be there, the boys immediately strike up a conversation with a man in a cowboy hat, who is from Bullwater, Texas, which a quick Google search tells you doesn’t exist. Alas for these young gentlemen, smartphones are not a reality just yet, so they’re prime candidates to be conned out of their hard-earned money. Shitty Rodney (who honestly could learn a thing or two from this seasoned veteran of shittiness) thinks he’s spotted a perfect mark, and negotiates a game between Eddie and Tex for five dollars a game. Tex tells them that his name is Boyd Higgins, but his friends call him Buck. Eddie tells him that his name is Eddie Winslow, but his friends call him…Eddie. Actually, his name is Edward, but his friends call him Eddie. He’s super dumb and deserves what’s about to happen to him. Shitty Rodney also wants to play the “my friends call me” game, so he tells Buck that his name is Rodney, but his friends call him “Rodmeister.” No they fucking don’t. Urkel tells Buck that his name is Steve Urkel, and he doesn’t get many calls. Fantastic stuff. Eddie and Buck begin to play.
A little later, Eddie is just finishing beating Buck for the fifth straight game. There’s a blonde guy behind him that is really on his side for some reason.
(Family Matters)
Is Buck paying this guy to hype up his marks, or is he just a huge pool enthusiast? Buck suggests that they up the stakes to twenty-five dollars a game, which rightfully sets off Steve’s bullshit radar. He tries to point out to Eddie that he’s about to get hustled, but Eddie just tells the Urkman to go home. Urkel says a variation of “I don’t have to take this, I’m going home” for the first time, and Eddie agrees to Buck’s proposed stakes.
A bit later, Eddie has lost eleven games in a row, and owes Buck $250. Buck drops the Texan pretenses, and tells Eddie (in what I assume is meant to be another New York accent) to pay up, now. He then snaps his fingers, and his henchman appear.
I get the bulky guy, but what about that nerdy motherfucker on the left is supposed to be intimidating? He’s somehow skinny and fat at the same time. (Check out that sweet double chin) Eddie’s shocked face doesn’t quite hit the same standard as his “I belong here” expression from earlier, but I did laugh at how cheesy it was. Eddie tells Buck that he doesn’t have the money today, but he’ll bring it to him tomorrow. Buck agrees, but not before he has a monster named Chuckie tell Eddie all that he has found out about him since they began playing:
Now THIS is an intimidating crony. (Family Matters)
Chuckie found out what Eddie’s father and mother’s name is, and where they live. He also somehow found out that his sister Judy is well on her way to a “D” in English, which is hilarious. All of this was to demonstrate to Eddie that if he doesn’t show up with the money, Buck absolutely knows how to find him.
At Rachel’s Place, Eddie and Shitty Rodney beg the Urkster to lend him the money he needs. Because Urkel is a good pal, he only busts their balls a little bit before he agrees. Because Rodney is shitty, he threatens Steve right away. Eddie reels him in and agrees to Urkel’s terms: Steve will give Eddie the money he needs if A) he can go with them to the pool hall and B) Eddie will be his best friend for a week. I swear, Urkel would have all my sympathy if he wasn’t stalking his neighbor. The three of them go to leave, but Rachel calls after Steve, telling him that his shift is about to begin. Urkel accidentally lets slip to Rachel what is going on, and then asks her to keep it to herself.
Back at the Winslow house, Harriette tricks Judy into giving Swiss Family Robinson a fair shot. The removal of Judy from this show can’t come quickly enough. For the love of God, give this girl something to do!
Conclusion:
Eddie, Steve and Shitty Rodney go back to the Corner Pocket, and Urkel tells Buck that he wants to play him double-or-nothing. Buck accepts, and Eddie asks Steve what the hell he’s doing. Steve says, “Fear not Big E. I play a plethora of pool when I have time to myself, which for some reason is quite often.” It’s a new day, yes it is. Buck breaks, and almost gets a ball in. Urkel tells him that it was a good try, and then launches into some classic nerd shit:
Love that Urkel has a briefcase that opens with a remote control, because who would fucking need that?
Later, Urkel is a few easy shots from victory when Buck breaks his glasses. Urkel, who can no longer see, refuses to keep playing, because he’s a goddamn G. Buck calls this a forfeit, and when Steve refuses to pay him, tells Chuckie and another one of his minions to take the Urkman into the alley and put a beating on him. Luckily for Steve, that’s when Carl (in his policeman’s uniform) and Estelle arrive. Carl explains that Rachel told him where they’d be, and asks what’s going on. Urkel does my job for me, and recaps the last few moments:
Carl tells Buck that he’s filling in for Steve, and if Buck doesn’t like it, he can go to jail. This is not at all abuse of power. Carl hits his first two shots easily, but the third one looks a bit too tough, so Estelle steps in and absolutely nails it:
So, for those of you keeping track, this elderly woman plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, and makes impossible pool shots.
Back at the Winslow household, Carl admonishes Eddie for gambling, but Eddie tells him not to worry, because he’s done playing pool. Carl tells him that he doesn’t have to quit, he should just be aware that there’s always someone better. Eddie tells him that the exception to that rule is when it comes to dads, because there’s no one better than Carl. Just when I think we’re ending an episode on yet another corny father/son moment, Urkel bursts through the door to remind Eddie that he has to be his best friend for a week. He pulls out a scroll and starts listing all the things that they’re going to do together, and the episode ends.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I’m a sucker for a scroll. (Family Matters)
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.13, “Have Yourself a Very Winslow Christmas.” My first time breaking down a Christmas special! Very exciting.
Before I go, I just want to acknowledge that like you, I couldn’t help but think of the similarities between this episode and the pool episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. To see who ripped off who, I checked IMDB.com to see when each of them aired. Like I said at the beginning, “Fast Eddie Winslow” aired on November 30, 1990, and Fresh Prince’s “Banks Shot” aired on February 25, 1991. That’s really not enough time for Fresh Prince to have ripped off Family Matters. I do think that Step by Step’s “Hello, Mr. Chips” which aired on November 10, 1995, ripped off both of those shows.
