Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.13
“Have Yourself A Merry Winslow Christmas”
Original Air Date: December 21, 1990
Before I start, I must give a shout-out to reader Daron Green, who pointed out in last week’s blog how weird it is that Buck’s crony was able to ascertain that Judy was getting a D in English, but was unable to discover that Carl was a cop. I had meant to point out the absurdity of that, but I guess I forgot. I suppose the Crony could’ve just messed up, and it was definitely necessary to the story, but it doesn’t seem very likely. If you’re thorough enough to find out what Judy’s English grade is, you’re definitely going to find out that Eddie’s dad is a cop.
While we’re doing shout-outs, a previous version of this blog called NLR “Eddie’s nephew,” but as Morris Hazelnut pointed out, NLR is actually Eddie’s cousin.
If you missed last week’s recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
The whole family is in the living room, decorating for Christmas. Laura is singing Christmas Carols, and Harriette remarks that Laura is sure in the Christmas spirit. Laura tells her that it’s her favorite time of year, because the entire Urkel family goes out of town for two whole weeks. The whole family, delighted at the prospect of fourteen days without Steve Urkel, joins in her caroling. Obviously, that’s exactly when Hurricane Urkel comes rolling in, and he’s creeped up to the max:
(Family Matters)
The Story:
We pick up right where the cold open left off. Laura asks Steve what he’s doing there, and the Urkman tells her that his folks have gone to Hawaii on their own, leaving the Urkster to celebrate Christmas with his Uncle Cecil, a known criminal. Don’t do what I did and confuse Cecil with Ernie, Steve’s hearse-driving uncle. Carl is under the impression that Urkel’s Uncle Cecil was busted for operating an unlicensed hot tub club (what?), but Steve lets him know that Cecil had incriminating pictures of the judge and the bailiff together at that club. Carl makes a face that implies that he thinks this is bizarre, but the subject is changed immediately. Solid police work, Officer Winslow. Chicago is filled with crooked cops. Urkel tries to do the old, “Would you look at that, we’re under mistletoe” routine with Laura and gets shut down via candy-cane.
(Family Matters)
Later, Rachel tries to steal a Christmas cookie from Mother Winslow in the kitchen, but Estelle has an awareness rating of 96, so she shuts that shit down real quick:
A disappointed Rachel heads over to the kitchen table where she steals part of Carl’s cookie from him (he probably asked for it like a good boy) and then immediately asks for a favor. It seems that New Little Ritchie really wants a Freddy Teddy doll for Christmas, but Rachel hasn’t acquired one yet, which is also known as Schwarzeneggering. Carl, instead of telling her that she fucked up and must now suffer the consequences, tells her that he’ll get his supply officer (who he says can find anything) to look into finding the doll for her, which is not at all an abuse of power. Mother Winslow, without seeing this supply officer for herself, decides she’d like to fuck him:
Please keep my dude Fletcher in your thoughts and prayers.
Back in the living room, the rest of the family (and Urkel) are still busy decorating. Laura points out an ornament that was given to her by her Grandmother and means the world to her. I wonder what the fate of that ornament will be. Urkel takes a moment to revel in the Winslows’ Christmas excellence:
Judy takes some of Urkel’s spit directly to her face, which is not at all indicative of her future endeavors. NLR takes Steve aside and lets him know a secret:
See, this is the kind of interaction NLR should be having. A little kid would absolutely have this kind of “secret conversation.” I’d also be lying if I told you that I didn’t laugh when he said, “I had a pretty good August.” Eddie wants to know why Urkel is getting NLR’s hopes up, especially when Rachel and Carl have thus far not been able to secure a Freddy Teddy. Urkel tells him that they’re wasting their time anyway, because that’s Santa’s job. The Winslow children give him shit for still believing in Santa Claus, but the Urkster has a plan to prove his existence: he’s going to write what he wants for Christmas down on a piece of paper, then mail it to the Winslows. If he gets what he wanted, then that proves that Santa Claus is real. Steve heads off to get started on the letter, but accidentally knocks the Christmas tree down on the way out. By my count, he breaks two ornaments in the process, bringing our SUBtotal to twenty-five. Unfortunately for the Urkman, one of those ornaments is the one that Laura’s grandmother gave him, and she bans Urkel from the house. Urkel says, “That will be my present to you. Merry Christmas, Laura.” The audience:
Fuck that. This kid has been breaking stuff in their home for at least two years. Ban him for life!
Later, Carl is second in line at a Toy Store. As you might expect, everyone is there for a Freddy Teddy. While Carl waits, the rappin’ old lady from The Wedding Singer chats him up about how much she loves her kids and her grandchildren. It’s exceptionally sweet. When Carl ends up getting the last Freddy Teddy, this old lady turns on him on a dime, and incites the rest of the crowd to swarm in on Carl and the bear. Carl is last seen calling for backup as roughly forty people commit assault on a police officer. The bear is ripped to shreds.
Back at the Winslow house, Harriette convince Laura to apologize to Steve for what seems like the millionth time. Far be it for me to question the mothering skills of this fantastic woman, but for real, the Winslows need to cut this dude out of their lives ASAP.
In Urkel’s science lair, Steve is sitting sadly, singing to a tiny Christmas tree, which he inevitably knocks over. He then counts his Christmas cards, even though he only has the one. Fuck you, Family Matters. I’m not going to feel bad because he broke so much of his friends’ shit that they banned him from their household. That stuff costs money. Steve takes his TV dinner out of the microwave, BECAUSE HE’S SAD, GUYS. They’re really hitting you over the head with this. Laura finally arrives, and Steve lets her in using science:
(Family Matters)
This science lair is only about ten years from becoming a sex dungeon, isn’t it? Laura asks Urkel why he’s not at his Uncle Cecil’s house, and the Urkman explains that Cecil was arrested for caroling in the nude. Why am I not surprised that the Urkel family has a history of sexual deviancy? Laura takes pity on Steve, who is clearly planning on spending Christmas Eve alone, and invites him to spend it at the Winslow’s instead. Steve falls down in shock, and exclaims, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” This, of course, is a reference to the Life Call commercial that everyone in the country knew in the early nineties.
Conclusion:
The next morning, Urkel awakens on the living room couch to find that someone (Carl) has placed a bunch of presents under the tree. Even though it’s only 5:30 AM, he starts shouting that it’s Christmas and wakes everyone up. Sleep is more important than presents, nerd. The family slowly starts filtering in, including Mother Winslow, who shows off her brand-new trumpet:
So, for those of you keeping track, this elderly woman plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, and plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician. Laura hands Urkel a gift, and it’s a wallet. He tells her that he’ll put her picture inside it and tape it to his chest. She tells him that it’s completely unnecessary, and he tells her that he begs to differ:
“You learn a few tricks when you’ve been shaken down for money as often as I have.” (Family Matters)
Laura opens Urkel’s present to her, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s an Urkel doll:
I, like millions of other nineties kids, had an Urkel doll as a child, and this is where they got the ball rolling. Sometimes when you’re producing content, an advertising opportunity just slaps you in the face, and this is one of those times. Rachel asks NLR if he likes the bicycle that Santa brought him, and NLR says that he does, but he really likes his Freddy Teddy. The family looks around at each other, and no one knows where this bear came from. NLR says that it came from Santa, and Eddie says (in front of his baby cousin) that this is impossible. Urkel calls him Doubting Eddo, and tells him that if he wants proof that Santa is real, all he has to do is open the letter that Steve sent him. It turns out that Steve’s Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with his favorite people, the Winslow family. Urkel looks up to the sky and says, “Thanks, Santa.” The Winslows sing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” which gradually transitions into a montage of the family giving each other presents, and the episode ends with that Christmas card thing that every sitcom had at the end of their Christmas episode:
(Family Matters)
That’s it for this week; remember to check the 7thEvan Instagram page on Tuesday for a preview of the bonus content to come next week!
