Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.14
“Ice Station Winslow”
Original Air Date: January 4, 1991
Two weeks ago, Urkel proved Santa Claus was real, and a giant mob attacked a police officer with no repercussions.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should obviously like 7th Evan on Facebook. Following my personal account on Twitter seems essential as well, doesn’t it?
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Rachel and Harriette are in the kitchen, fitting New Little Ritchie for a penguin suit that he’ll be wearing in the school play. Judy comes in, boasting of an A that she received in a spelling test. She’s come a long way academically in the month or so since she was in danger of taking a D in English class (which is in no way indicative of her future career; sorry, last one for a while, I promise). Harriette, busy with NLR, brushes her off a bit, and we can see some jealousy start to cloud young Judy’s eyes:
Quick, doctor! We need an emergency sense of humor transplant for Aunt Rachel! (Family Matters)
Pretty soon Judy’s going to develop “Sith Eyes.” NLR tells Rachel that he needs to take a piss, and Harriette laments not putting a crotch zipper into NLR’s costume. If you’re starting a band, you have my permission to use the name “Crotch Zipper.” Just give my blog a shout-out from time to time.
The Story:
Carl and Eddie come through the back door, covered in snow. Eddie wants Carl to acquire a snow-blower, but Carl says he doesn’t need to, because he has Eddie. He won’t be saying that in a few years when ol’ Eddo moves out. Carl asks Eddie to go bowling, which to be honest sounds like a blast, but Eddie just wants to go out with his friends. Once Eddie has left, Harriette tells Carl that if he wants to spend time with Carl so badly, he should schedule it ahead of time. Carl repeats everything she said back to her and claims the idea as his own, so Harriette sprays him in the face with a water bottle.
Later, Harriette is folding laundry in the living room when Laura comes downstairs, and she’s…changed a bit:
(Family Matters)
Harriette knows that this isn’t how puberty works, so she tells Laura that she just needs to be patient, because she’ll fill out when her body is ready to. Aunt Rachel comes in and inquires as to what Laura is stuffing her shirt with, which is a pretty funny scene. Rachel shows Harriette the beak from NLR’s penguin suit, which has been torn off. The obvious culprit is Judy, whose jealous nature is going to get her killed one day. Rachel wants to know how she and Harriette should handle this, and Harriette suggests doing nothing. I 100% agree. Judy is doing negative shit to try and get attention, and the best way to thwart that kind of behavior is by ignoring it. Just then, the door opens, and in blows Hurricane Urkel:
Sorry, any future lady friends, but from now on, I’m yelling “Bazooms!” when I take off your shirt for the first time. And then, on the day after that, I’ll send you this GIF:
(Family Matters)
As you can see, Urkel is still recovering from Laura’s fake boobs when Eddie walks in. Urkel tells him that he saw Laura and fainted, and Eddie asks him, “Why?” Urkel calls her “an overnight success story” and I absolutely lost my shit laughing. Carl comes in with a butt-ton of fishing gear, and he tells Eddie that they’re going ice fishing together (but not before asking them, “What’s the haps, chaps?” which is another thing that I’m stealing for my personal life). Eddie doesn’t want to go, but the Urkman gets super excited. Carl tells Steve that he wants this to be a father-son trip, which Urkel has a very difficult time understanding:
After Steve leaves, Eddie tries once more to pass on the trip, but Carl has already spent a bunch of money, so this falls on deaf ears.
Later, Carl and Eddie are out on the lake, and the background is so obviously a painted canvas that it’s hilarious:
(Family Matters)
Carl and Eddie settle on a spot to fish in, and Carl tells Eddie to listen, and tell him what he hears. They’re out in the middle of nowhere, so Eddie can’t hear a thing, which is exactly Carl’s point. He tells Eddie that they’re totally isolated from any irritating sounds. It’s pretty obvious what’s about to happen, isn’t it?
Carl’s like, how did you even get here? Urkel tells him that his mother told him that was sent by a stork, but he knows that’s bullshit. When an aggravated Carl explains that he meant, “how did you get to this spot, right now,” the Urkman regales him with a story about how he hitched a ride with an armless teamster named Mabel.
Later, the three of them have begun to fish, and Eddie mentions that he’s cold. Steve…isn’t:
After he cools his balls off, Steve and the Winslows have a brief discussion about which type of bait is best. Carl and Eddie are using worms, and Urkel is using cheese. Obviously, Urkel catches the first fish, and the Winslows roll their eyes.
Back at the Winslows:
(Family Matters)
Rachel comes in and shows NLR how to waddle and wiggle like a penguin. Then the two of them waddle and wiggle on out of there:
If you stuck around to the tail-end of that (😉), then you saw Laura ask Judy, “isn’t he cute?” Judy does not think that. She tells Laura that she’s sick and tired of NLR getting all of the attention. Laura goes into dope big-sister mode and explains that while it sucks losing the attention that you get as the baby of the family, there are some advantages: you can stay up later, you get first crack at clothes (something Judy is still not going to get, by the way), and best of all, you get a little kid who really looks up to you. Judy tells Laura that she never thought of it that way, and Laura sends her to go apologize to NLR, who HAS NO IDEA THAT JUDY HAS WRONGED HER. Just put this one in your pocket, girl.
Back at the fishing site, Steve continues a great tradition of singing the same song over and over, with different lyrics each time:
The tune he uses for these songs is called “Camptown Races,” which is something I never would have needed to know if I didn’t write a fucking Urkel blog, but that’s baseball, baby. Eddie tells Carl that he’s cold, and he wants to go home, and Carl reluctantly agrees. Urkel calls Eddie a “big wuss,” so Eddie starts to chase him around. Carl warns them not to continue running around, but to no avail. Suddenly, the ice starts to crack, and the three of them are thrust into peril:
Thankfully, Eddie’s been doing his curls for the girls, and is able to pull both his much heavier father and his nerdy little next-door neighbor to safety.
Conclusion:
Back in the Winslow living room, Harriette is pouring hot water over Carl’s feet, which are in a bucket. She tells him to let her know if the water is too hot, and he replies that there’s no such thing as too hot. Bruno Mars would disagree. Harriette also grabs Carl a blanket, but he just can’t seem to get warm. She lays a smooch on him, and he jokes that they need to open a window. Eddie comes in, and he brings Carl his favorite winter beverage: a hot cocoa with nineteen marshmallows in it. I’d love to hear Carl’s reasoning as to why twenty marshmallows are too much but nineteen is just right. Eddie asks to speak to Carl in private, so Harriette leaves the room. Eddie asks Carl why he was so adamant that they go fishing, and Carl tells Eddie that he just misses when Eddie was a little kid and always wanted to spend time with him. Eddie tells Carl that if he wants to hang out with him, all he needs to do is ask. He also admits how scared he was to almost lose Carl, and Carl tells him that he was scared too. Eddie tells Carl that they should never go ice fishing again, and the two of them hug, ending the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 2.15, “Son.”
