Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.24: Wild Wild Pest
“The Good, the Bad, and the Urkel”
Original Air Date: April 19, 1991
Last time on OUM: Urkel and LT Murtaugh sang a duet about how much it sucks to get dumped, even though neither of them were in a relationship.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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Good News Everyone! I’ve added a Glossary to the site, to help newcomers (or day one readers that just need a refresher) understand the nonsense that is my writing.
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
The family sans Carl is in the kitchen, and the two Winslow sisters are dressed up as if they were flappers in the 1920’s (more on that later). The family takes turns taking genial shots at each other, and then Carl enters the house, looking like someone blew something up in his face (my money was on Urkel, but I was only kind of right):
(Family Matters)
He tells them to call 911, because “there’s about to be a murder.” You can tell that RVJ had a lot of fun with this entrance, and it needed to be a GIF.
The Story:
After the theme (you guys know I love it when the cold open leads into the show proper), the family recoils from Carl, who they say smells terrible. Apparently, Carl was minding his own business and grilling up some burgers when a breeze came through, carrying the same smell that is currently repulsing his family. He went to investigate, and found that the odor was coming from Steve’s father’s compost. Carl complained to Dr. Urkel-calling him a quack in the process-so the good doctor power-slammed him into said compost. The family is shocked, because Dr. Urkel is a diminutive man, and slamming Carl isn’t an easy feat. A defensive Carl tells them that the doctor made good use of leverage. Carl recovered from this slam and punched Steve’s father straight in the face. Dr. Urkel apparently began to cry and ran away into his home. As Carl is finishing the story, the door opens, and it’s Urkel (Steve type, one each*). He’s not very pleased with the dishonor that Carl has placed on his family’s name, and he’s here to rectify the situation:
(Family Matters)
If I’ve learned anything from Hulk Hogan, this finger pointing gesture means that Urkel can no longer be harmed despite how many times that he’s hit in the head going forward. Urkel tells Carl that he loves him like a father and loves his father like a neighbor (hilarious), but as an Urkel, he can’t let this transgression slide. Carl immediately dismisses Urkel and sends him out the door, but Steve tells him that he “shall return,” and that “revenge shall be mine!” He then gives Carl an example of what his father’s nose currently looks like.
*That joke was for my fellow military veterans. If you didn’t serve, it probably just appears to you as nonsense words, and that is okay with me in this situation. As you were.
Later, Carl is lying down on the living room couch, and he starts to drift off. He falls asleep, and we see that he’s dreaming of an old saloon, which we see is called “Miss Rachel’s Place.” A mustachioed Eddie is behind the bar serving drinks, and then oopsie:
(Family Matters)
NLR is sitting at a poker table with a couple of ruffians. He’s wearing a cowboy hat, and ISN’T IT JUST THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN, YOU GUYS? He wins a hand of poker that apparently everyone at the table was all-in for, and tells the scoundrels that he’ll see them next pay day. Why they don’t just kick his scrawny ass and take all their money back is beyond me. I guess they have hearts of gold. Estelle, who is sitting at a piano, announces that Rachel is going to sing a song. It’s a song about how Rachel plans to be promiscuous until she finds someone who deserves her loyalty, and that’s a sentiment I can get behind. She even includes a part where she calls herself, “Ricochet Rachel,” and I can get behind that too. None of it is funny or even that interesting, but if you like well-sung ditties presented to you by the sixth lead of a show you once watched, it’s worth looking up. After she’s done singing, Harriette shows up, and Rachel calls her a “schoolmarm,” which a quick Google search defined as a schoolmistress, typically used with reference to a woman regarded as prim, strict, and brisk in manner. This is Harriette to a tee, minus that schoolmistress part, but I suppose that’s her profession here in Carl’s Wild West Dream Fantasy. Harriette calls Rachel a “shameless hussy,” which is a bit of an overreaction, and is also slut shaming, although of course that term did not exist in the wild west. Laura and Judy come through, and it’s time to point out what the ladies are all wearing:
(Family Matters)
Carl had just seen members of his family in flapper attire, so it makes sense that this would spark wild west thoughts to enter his sub-conscious. It’s a nice little bit of extra thought put into the continuity of the show, and for the second week in a row! Bah dah dah dah dah, I’m loving it. Carl comes in, and he’s the sheriff round these here parts. He tells them that he’s got good news and bad news: the bad news is that he shot someone, and the good news that it was Doc Urkel. The saloon erupts into cheers. Harriette is peeved because Carl is always shooting people, but the rest of the family is on his side, especially Eddie, who went to Dr. Urkel for a hangnail (what a ninny) and ended up getting a surgical procedure. When he can’t quite remember what the procedure was called, Laura reminds him that it was a lobotomy. Now, Eddie has a headache and a hangnail. This got a good laugh out of me, as did Eddie’s mustache itself. Laura asks Carl “What happens if ‘you-know-who’ finds out you killed his pa?” Unfortunately, she’s not talking about Voldemort. What a crossover that would have been. We all know who she’s actually talking about, and her question starts a pretty funny gag that continues throughout the episode:
The best part of that video is that after the third time you hear that sound, everyone in the saloon starts checking under their seats. A man (I think he’s a cowboy, but is everyone a cowboy in this dream, or are only the baddest dudes around known as cowboys?) bursts through the door, and he tells them that “Two-Gun Urkel is a-coming!” Steve arrives in the Urklest way possible:
Two-Gun Urkel (TGU from this point forward) wants to know who the vermin that killed his pa is. Everyone in the saloon immediately drops the dime on Sherriff Carl, including his own family. TGU tells him that he’s about to meet his maker, and then demonstrates how good he is with his guns, twirling them about in an impressive fashion. Of course, this wouldn’t be Urkel unless he broke some shit, so he accidentally shoots down a chandelier. Since this happened in a dream, I’m not sure if I want to add it to the SUBtotal or not. I’ve decided to let you vote on it, so go here to participate in the poll.
After a quick commercial break, we come back to Carl sleeping restlessly on his couch. It’s a nothing scene, but I can’t stop laughing at him calling timeout at the end of it. We go back into the dream, and Sheriff Carl is going face-to-face with TGU. They get into a battle of alliteration:
I haven’t loved this much about one scene since “Do the Urkel.” Here’s everything I appreciated about the one you just watched:
As you all know by now, I adore alliteration (😉), and there was a shit-ton of it in this scene.
Eddie makes fun of TGU’s snort, as he would in reality, but in this dreamworld his muscles won’t help him in a fight against the “fastest guns in the west.” TGU points his guns at Eddie and forces him to snort in homage. Eddie tries his best, but TGU tells him that it “needs work.” It is extremely difficult to believe that the same writing team that wrote this episode also wrote the piece of garbage that was Episode 2.21.
I enjoyed that both TGU and Sheriff Carl got to show off their respective shooting talents, but I also thought it was incredibly strange that Sheriff Carl would endanger his own mother’s life just to prove a point.
Finally, my favorite part of the scene (and in fact the entire episode) was the re-emergence of the “dun dun dunnnn” sound, especially since it bothers the characters so much that they decide to put their beef on hold to track down the orchestra that is producing the sound.
The next day, Sheriff Carl and the rest of the Winslows walk into the saloon. Harriette does her best to talk Carl out of the duel, but the good sheriff knows that this is something he has to do. The bell tolls twelve times, signifying that the duel is about to begin. Carl hugs Judy goodbye, which is a pretty good indicator that this is a dream. Carl would never acknowledge her existence in real life. It seems like TGU is going to no-show the contest, but then he scampers out of the bathroom, apologizing profusely. No reason for that to happen, so you know I loved it. TGU and Sheriff Carl square off, and we get one of those fantastic cowboy closeups that you see in every Western (this one is even better, because it’s Jaleel White and RVJ, who are both fantastic facial actors). Carl is quicker on the draw, and shoots TGU twice in the stomach. Of course, Urkel does an exaggerated death scene:
This clip comes with that wonderful “tragic death” background music, and is punctuated by TGU falling over a banister to the floor below. If you look closely enough, you can see the exact moment when Jaleel White is replaced by his stunt double. This being Family Matters in 1991, they can’t resist making another “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” joke.
Conclusion:
Per the comedy rule of three, TGU gets three death scenes. The first two don’t mean much, but before the third, Sheriff Carl lets him know that there will not be a fourth. TGU dies, and everyone in the crowd turns on Sheriff Carl immediately, even though less than a day ago everyone was sick of the entire Urkel family. Sheriff Carl repeatedly says, “I’m sorry,” until we leave the dream sequence and a still asleep Carl is saying “I’m sorry” out loud. You know, like every single dream sequence ended in every 90’s sitcom. He’s woken by real-life Urkel (I wont complicate things further by calling him RLU going forward, but just know that I was tempted), who’s stormed into the room. Before he can say anything, however, Carl picks Steve up off the ground, and shakes him like a rag doll while excitedly yelling “Two-Gun! You’re alive!”
I once saw Brock Lesnar do this to Hulk Hogan until he passed out. (Family Matters)
Gotta love a policeman who can’t determine when he’s stopped dreaming and joyfully shakes pre-teens like he’s Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Steve, who hasn’t given up on his quest to avenge his father, puts up his dukes to fight:
His form looks like he learned to fight from one of those boxing nun dolls and not, as is actually the case, from Carl. (Family Matters)
Carl tells him that they don’t need to fight, because he’s on his way to apologize to Dr. Urkel. Steve is thrilled, and the two of them embrace. Emotional music swells in the background, and I thought this would be the end of the episode, but it turns out that in one final callback, Carl and Steve can hear the music too. They search for the source of the music, and thus ends an episode so chock-full of physical comedy that I had to make 178MB of media to share it with you. For real, this might have been my favorite episode that I’ve reviewed so far.
Join me next time, when I break down the final episode of season two, “I Should Have Done Something.”
