Only Urkel Matters, Episode 2.23: Breaking up Is Hard to Lieu
“Skip to my Lieu”
Original Air Date: April 1, 1991
Last time on OUM: Harriette and Rachel’s long-believed dead father returned just long enough to make them thing that they could have a relationship with him.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura is headed out the door when she runs into Hurricane Urkel. Quite honestly, I’m not sure when the last time that Laura left the house without running into Urkel was. We could be talking months in show time. Laura tells the Urkman that she can’t stay and talk because she’s on her way to meet Maxine, but Steve tells her that he’s here to see Eddie. Laura leaves, but not until she expresses her dismay about wasting a perfectly good excuse to not talk to Steve. Eddie comes downstairs and tells Urkel that he refuses to be seen in public with him. Steve thinks this is ironic, because his father had just told him the same thing. This, of course, is not ironic. It’s a coincidence. Please don’t be the kind of person who doesn’t know the difference. If you’re unsure, click this link for an explanation. Urkel asks Eddie for the name of a jewelry vendor that he bought Jolene an ID bracelet from, so that Steve can buy one for Laura. Eddie laughs at him and tells him that it makes sense that he’d buy Laura jewelry since “she’s had a ring in (his) nose for a long time.” From context (and from a small amount of research), I’ve deduced that someone having a ring in your nose means that that you have an unrequited love for them.* Eddie leaves, and Steve explains his sinister plan to win Laura’s love to no one. You know, like a fucking super-villain would do:
(Family Matters)
You’ve got to admire the imagination of a kid who can so clearly see his master plan that he loses consciousness out of horniness.
*If I’m wrong about this, feel free to explain it to me!
The Story:
Carl is in the living room, mowing down on some popcorn and watching the NBA playoffs. Someone on the Bulls makes a shot, and Carl throws his popcorn in the air like a goddamn child:
(Family Matters)
Who’s gonna clean that up? Harriette? She’s already cleaning up the messes of four kids (one of whom didn’t even live inside of her), and she doesn’t need to be mopping up after a fifth. The doorbell rings, and Carl yells for Harriette, even though he’s much closer to the door. Harriette pokes her head in and thanks him for letting her know, and then disappears back into the kitchen. I almost never laugh at things Harriette says, but that one tickled me. Carl heads to answer the door, but whoever is behind the door is getting impatient, so they ring the bell ten more times. Carl opens the door, intending to cuss them out, but stops when he sees that it’s Lieutenant Murtaugh. Murtaugh invites himself in, and then turns off the TV just as Michael Jordan is attempting a game-winning shot. Carl freaks out, and then turns the TV back on in time to hear the play-by-play announcer marvel at the events that have just transpired. Carl turns off the TV sadly. Moments later, Rachel enters and excitedly asks Carl if he just saw the shot that Jordan made. Murtaugh perks up when he sees Rachel, and creepily stares at her until she makes an excuse to leave. Murtaugh, who as we know is divorced, remarks to Carl that he thinks she is pretty. He does not do so in a normal tone of voice.
After a quick scene in which Carl convinces Rachel to go out on a date with LT Murtaugh for the sake of her brother-in-law’s career, we go to Rachel’s Place, where Urkel is busy waxing the floor and humming “Camptown Races.” I was disappointed that he didn’t create more original lyrics for the tune, but there’s plenty of time for that going forward. What we do get is a fantastic example of why you don’t wax the floor while there are still customers inside:
(Family Matters)
You would think that something would have broken during this scene, and it certainly sounds bad, but I honestly think that the only things beyond salvaging were the drinks and the food (perhaps Steve’s tips, as well). Eddie enters, and he looks confused by the mess for half a second, but then remembers who he’s here to see and lets it go instantly. He’s followed closely by your friend and mine, Waldo Geraldo Faldo. Steve is not pleased to see Waldo at all, and who could blame him? The last time we saw Waldo, he was on his way to juvenile hall. Fortunately for him, he has finally figured out that Willie was not a good friend for him, and has attached himself to Eddie Winslow. Eddie goes to leave, but not before explaining to Waldo how to get out of the restaurant when his dealings with Steve have been completed. Waldo says, “Ohh, cool!” I swear, when I watched this show growing up, I laughed at him saying, “Cool!” every single time. I still smiled to myself a little bit when I watched it happened this time. Steve asks to see the merchandise, which confuses Waldo, so the Urkman must get specific; he yells, “Your ID bracelets!” and Waldo obliges, in the most Waldo way ever. I feel the same way about Waldo as I felt about Urkel back in the middle episodes of season one: he’s a breath of fresh air and I want to see him as much as possible going forward.
There’s a small bit of time filling, involving a game of hide-and-seek between Dead Woman Walking Judy and NLR, and the only thing that matters is that NLR is doing his serial killin’ thang:
(Family Matters)
Rachel comes downstairs, ready for her date with LT Murtaugh. She’s a bit apprehensive, which only worsens when Murtaugh arrives to pick her up:
(Family Matters)
Personally, I think this was kind of a cute approach. Remember, there was no texting “here” back in 1991, so this was a very creative way to announce his arrival. I don’t think the light or the flowers were a very good idea, but I do feel like Rachel should have softened a bit towards him. My favorite part comes at the end of the scene, where Carl laughs and waves like nothing had happened.
Later, Rachel and LT Murtaugh are back from their date, and at this point I’m done being on his side. Rachel is doing her very best to subtly and kindly tell him that she’d like to end the date, but he refuses to acknowledge this. She eventually straightforwardly tells him that she definitely did not have a good time (which he ignores), and describes a scene where he ordered for her, cut her meat for her, and tried to feed her. “I’m surprised,” she says, “you didn’t try to burp me.” He replies, “Is that an invitation, baby?” He is very obviously not getting lucky this evening.
In the kitchen, Laura enters, followed closely by Steve. So closely, in fact, that when she stops short, he almost runs into her. She tells him to scram, but he’s not about to leave without presenting her with the ID bracelet. Of course, since Waldo made it, both Laura and Steve’s names have been misspelled. Laura tells the Urkster that she can’t accept the bracelet, because they are not in a relationship. When Urkel tells her that they should be, she vows to tell him that they will never be together every day until he finally understands. Did they not have restraining orders in the early nineties? Carl is a goddamn cop. If Laura were to hit Urkel at any time, I’d be behind her 100%. Laura yells, “Go home!” but Steve sticks around, even after she goes upstairs.
Back in the living room, Murtaugh has put on some romantic music, and is still trying to put the moves on Rachel. She finally breaks down and bluntly says, “You repulse me.” When he responds, “Wanna slow dance and neck a little?” she (like Laura before her) screams, “Go home!” What follows is weird as shit:
(Family Matters)
After their bat-shit insane (but utterly hilarious; I’m 100% here for the stuff that doesn’t make sense) performance, these two hopeless romantics realize that it’s weird for two people who both don’t live in a house to be inside said house singing together forlornly. It’s also worth noting that literally no Winslow thought it was weird that two non-family members were performing a duet together in their living room. Murtaugh blurts out that he needs a drink, and Urkel tells him that he knows just the place.
Conclusion:
Urkel and Murtaugh are at Rachel’s place, drowning their sorrows in root beer floats. They try as hard as they can, but they just can’t figure out why their approach simply isn’t working with the women of their hearts’ desires. Murtaugh suggests that the two of them should give up on women (which they should, if they don’t at least change their tactics). Urkel doesn’t see it that way; the hope that he might one day win Laura’s heart is what gets him up in the morning. His gumption fires up Murtaugh, who proposes a toast:
(Family Matters)
Oh, yeah. They’ve also got milk mustaches from their root beer floats. ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS?! The clinking together of their mugs is what ends the episode.
Join me next time, when I break down the penultimate episode of season two, “The Good, the Bad, and the Urkel,” which is the best name of any episode so far.
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