Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.1: Starring Carl Winslow as Jack Traven
“Boom!”
Original Air Date: September 20, 1991
Last time on OUM: Carl couldn’t stop reliving his past failures as a police officer, and Estelle let Laura take the fall for smut that she herself brought into the Winslow home.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura, Eddie, and Waldo walk into the kitchen, and Laura announces to the house that they are home. Why do they all do that? Is it for masturbatory reasons? There are a lot of people living in this house. Waldo says that he likes this room because it reminds him so much of a kitchen. Laura tells him that it is a kitchen, and it blows his fucking mind. Shit like that is the reason why Waldo was my all-time favorite “stupid” TV character for over twenty years (until Andy Dwyer came along and said, “Leslie, it says here that you might have network connectivity problems.”). Carl comes downstairs dressed to work out, and he’s angrily mumbling to himself. Eddie asks him if he’s okay, and Carl replies that he’s not. It’s worth pointing out that Eddie himself doesn’t seem okay. The boy is a bow-tie away from being dressed like an orange Chippendale’s dancer. Carl tells them that he’s off to work out with LT Murtaugh, and he’s not in the least bit pleased about it. Laura wonders why he’s leaving so soon, because he’s got over an hour until he needs to meet up with the lieutenant. Carl tells her that he’s going to stop for some waffles on the way to his workout. That’s smart; you gotta carb up for these things. After Carl leaves, Waldo asks Laura if she’d like to hang out with him and Eddie, or at least that’s what I think he asks her:
You might think that this is a closed-captioning error, but it’s not; that is exactly the question that Waldo asks Laura. I’m not sure if he’s asking her if she wants to hang out and do kid stuff, or if he’s asking her if she wants to hang out and calling her “kid stuff,” but I’d prefer the latter. Either way, there needs to be a comma in there. Pause to refresh, Waldo. Laura tells Waldo that she has no intention of going anywhere, because she wants to hang around the house and enjoy an Urkel-less hour or two. She complains to the boys that she can’t get a date because Urkel is always buzzing around her like a gnat, and they don’t want to put up with the UAF (Urkel Annoyance Factor). This isn’t a good look for Laura. Abbreviations are just lazy. Eddie, for once acting like a supportive, kind-hearted brother, tells Laura to hang in there, because her dream guy could walk into her life when she least expects it. At that moment, a very dashing fellow wanders through the door:
(Family Matters)
Instead of being super weirded out by a random orangutan walking through the door, Waldo tells Laura, “See? Now you two be home by midnight!”
Theme Song:
There are a few changes to the title sequence this season, including:
JMP gets a new turn-and-smile, and it’s much more flattering than the ones from seasons one and two.
NLR gets a new adorable turn-and-smile, and it’s a call back to the dance contest in Episode 2.4.
This isn’t a change from season two, but is there any sexier image on the planet than Rachel flashing her big smile after setting down those menus? Hachi-machi!
A few new scenes are added into the “show some scenes from the program” portion of the title sequence. These include Carl bear-hugging Urkel from Episode 2.24, Judy and Estelle dancing from Episode 2.1, Carl and NLR’s peak-a-boo from Episode 2.2, Harriette and Rachel paint fighting from Episode 2.5, Urkel and Murtaugh clicking glasses in Episode 2.23, and Carl and Harriette practicing dancing, also from the dance contest episode. There are also some new ones that I don’t recognize, presumably from this season.
The Story:
Eddie, Laura, and my dude Waldo are in the same spot that we left them, staring at the orangutan, who is just chillin’ on the countertop. In comes Urkel (to a “major ovation” from the studio audience), and he’s filled out a bit since last season. This was a huge problem for Family Matters. As Jaleel White grew from a scrawny boy to a muscular and attractive young man, it became harder and harder to keep him annoying. Urkel bolts in and admonishes the orangutan for rushing ahead of him, because they draw less attention when they’re together. Steve briefly introduces the orangutan (whose name turns out to be Lowell) to his friends. This includes a funny bit where Lowell does the down low/too slow non-handshake trick to Waldo. Eddie asks where Lowell came from, and Urkel tells him that he met him at the Behavioral Sciences Lab. When Steve found out that Lowell was scheduled to be a part of some sketchy research involving discount parachutes, he sprang the orangutan from the facility. His plan is to keep Lowell hidden over the weekend and then acquire the funds he needs to purchase Lowell on Monday when the banks open. That way, he can donate Lowell to the local zoo.
We head to the police station, which from the outside looks less like a police station than any police station that I’ve ever seen:
(Family Matters)
Carl enters the gym through double doors that look like Bugs Bunny painted the words Men’s Locker Room on them so that he could trick someone into getting an anvil dropped on their head. Carl walks over to Lieutenant Murtaugh, who is busy sculpting his guns in the mirror. Murtaugh tells Carl that he can smell syrup on his breath, and then lectures Carl on the importance of physical fitness as a police officer. As usual, I’m with him so far, but he’s going to stray into unlikable territory very shortly. He’s a poor man’s Larry David. Carl asks if they can get on with it, and Murtaugh tosses aside what he was doing so they can do just that. The two walk over to a treadmill, and Murtaugh tells Carl that this machine is what enabled him to apprehend Nitro Newton, the Boston Bomber. The first time I saw this episode I remember thinking to myself, “I’m from Boston!” but now I can’t hear it without thinking of the marathon bombings on Patriots Day 2013. Murtaugh instructs Carl to get on the treadmill (and makes a few fat jokes in the process). The treadmill, which introduces itself as Altrea, requires a personal code name, so Murtaugh gives his, which is “Stallion.” He tells Carl that Stallion is a nickname that he picked up during a moment of passion when he was young and alone, which I’m not ashamed to admit that I cackled at.
That evening, Laura is in her bed, soundly asleep. As happens far too often, her teenage next-door neighbor climbs a tree and slips in through her window. He’s followed closely by Lowell, and they briefly discuss Laura’s beauty, before Urkel sternly reminds him that he has dibs on her. Lowell blows a raspberry at him and then combat rolls away. Urkel starts to tell Lowell that they need to be very careful about how they wake Laura, but Laura has woken up on her own, and she ends up startling Steve. The Urkman explains that his father discovered Lowell using his credit cards to buy a bunch of frivolous shit (my favorite is a ceramic statue of golf legend Lee Trevino) and kicked him out of the house. Steve needs Laura to keep him there for the night. Laura resists at first, but Urkel convinces her with his world-famous PLEEEEEEEEEASE routine:
(Family Matters)
The next morning, we see Urkel paying NLR and Judy five dollars each to not tell anyone about Lowell. Just then, Laura comes rushing down the stairs to tell them that Lowell is missing. Judy and NLR wisely scatter so that Steve won’t ask for his money back.
In the kitchen, Harriette is making breakfast when Rachel comes downstairs. She tells Harriette that she needs some coffee, because she has had the worst nightmare she’s ever had. Harriette asks her if it involved moving out and actually paying rent. SHE DOESN’T PAY ANY RENT?! The Winslows have been housing her and her son for at least three years! Did her husband have zero life insurance? Rachel ignores Harriette’s jab and describes her nightmare, in which Denzel Washington wanted her to kiss him but turned into an ape once she did. Harriette hands her a cup of coffee and Rachel sits down at the kitchen table. Lowell comes downstairs and seats himself right next to her, and when she sees him, she gets up to call her doctor, thinking that she’s suffered a mental break. Lowell begins to read the paper, so Harriette naturally assumes that this is her husband and feeds him some French toast. When she discovers that it is actually an orangutan, she freaks out, and sends cereal flying everywhere.
Back at the gym, Carl jumps back onto Altrea, which requires Murtaugh’s passcode. It has trouble hearing him, so an embarrassed Carl must yell, “Stallion!” in a room filled with his fellow police officers. As soon as the password is entered, we hear a voice that sounds like the mobster from every cartoon in the 1990’s identify himself as the Boston Bomber, and explain that he has rigged the treadmill with a bomb which will detonate the moment “Murtaugh” steps off of the machine. That’s right, it’s Speed on a treadmill, gang.
After a commercial break, we come back to Carl, still running for his life in the most literal sense possible. He calls over his fellow officers, most of whom scatter when they learn of the bomb. Chicago’s finest, everyone. One female officer remains, and she agrees to alert the bomb squad to the situation. Carl tries to reassure himself that he can do this, but the treadmill begins to speed up. Murtaugh enters, but not through his own free will (he is basically thrown into the room by the other officers). After Murtaugh tells Carl that the bomb squad is unavailable, the two switch places, so that Carl can get a rest. Unfortunately, Murtaugh begins to cramp almost immediately, so they have to switch back. While they swap places a second time, there is a moment where there are definitely no feet on the treadmill:
It was nice of Nitro Newton to allow for a small grace period in which the treadmill will not detonate. After another speed increase, Carl tells Murtaugh that they will have to disarm the bomb themselves. Murtaugh uses a Swiss Army knife to remove the cover for the battery terminal, and sees that there are three wires: red, blue, and yellow. Carl tells him to pull the yellow one, basing his decision on the old, “Red we’re dead, blue we’re through, yellow we’re mellow” rhyme. After a moment, Murtaugh pulls the wire, and Carl jumps off the treadmill. They both cover their heads, bracing for an explosion.
Conclusion:
Carl and Murtaugh slowly realize that they aren’t dead, and embrace for a moment, before returning to their more homophobic natures and pulling away quickly. Murtaugh asks Carl how he knew that the yellow wire was the right one to pull, and Carl admits that he had guessed. Murtaugh faints, and Carl leaves him lying there on the gym floor.
Back at the Winslow house, Laura and Lowell (who is now dressed exactly like Urkel) are watching Tarzan, when Steve walks through the door. He proudly announces that he’s paid for Lowell, and it’s time to bring him the zoo which will now be his home. Lowell doesn’t want to leave, and Urkel figures out that it’s because he’ll miss him. Steve promises that he and Laura will visit all the time. Laura does not commit to this. Carl comes in and Harriette tells him that he should rest, since he went through a traumatic ordeal. Carl refuses and says that stress doesn’t affect him the way it does everyone else. He then turns and sees this:
(Family Matters)
Feeling like he’s just hallucinated a waving orangutan sitting with Urkel on his couch, Carl decides that maybe he needs a nap after all, instructing Harriette to wake him just before Christmas. With that, the episode ends.
Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.2, “Brain Over Brawn.”
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