Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.2: I'm a Rocket Man
“Brains Over Brawn”
Original Air Date: September 27, 1991
Last time on OUM: Things for Carl got explosive down at the station, and Urkel and his pals spent the whole episode monkeying around.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
The whole family is in the living room, gathered around Carl, who has a brochure for St. Thomas open on his lap. They all spend a few moments saying what about the island most excites them. If you guessed that Carl’s answer was the food and Rachel’s was dongs, you could have been a writer for this show back in the day. Harriette asks if they can really afford such a costly trip, and Carl tells her that as long as they don’t run into any unforeseen expenses, they can make it happen. At that exact moment, thunder crashes, and it begins to rain heavily. Water begins to pour into the living room from a leak in the ceiling, and the family groans.
The Story:
Harriette is in the living room, watching Carl mop up the water that has leaked onto the floor. She tells him that they’ll have to cancel their vacation so that they can pay to fix the roof. Carl tells her to slow her roll, because he’s going to fix it himself. Harriette remembers all of the other times he’s told her such a thing, and she (understandably) tells Carl that he should leave it to a professional. When he asks her why, she reminds him of the time he built a bathroom for Estelle. Carl (less understandably) launches into a soliloquy about how she doesn’t have his back:
I was starting to come around to his side of things until he insulted her cooking for no reason at the end. That’s bush league.
Later, Laura and Maxine come through the front door, chatting excitedly about a boy named Alex who asked Laura if she wanted to study together. She starts talking about how cute she thinks he is, when Hurricane Urkel comes in dressed like a prepubescent Gorton’s Fisherman. The Urkman begins a dramatic demonstration of how listening to his one true love talk about another boy is like taking arrows to the heart. When Laura says that she wouldn’t mind kissing Alex, Urkel really commits to the bit, and tumbles backwards over the couch. After seeing that, I can’t help but wonder if Jaleel White has any lingering injuries from his days taking pratfall after pratfall for this show. We really didn’t know how much of a toll it took on the human body yet. Anyway, Maxine and Laura are not impressed in the slightest with Steve’s dramatics, and they head upstairs, still chatting about Alex.
Carl and Eddie head up onto the Winslow’s roof, and the latter is following the former ridiculously closely. I can’t advise the “two people on the ladder at once” strategy, especially if they are both going to reach the top at roughly the same time. While pulling a toolbox up onto the roof, Carl tells Eddie that they are going to prove Harriette wrong, and Eddie asks him why he always has to be involved in proving his mother wrong. I love this kind of continuity in my lazy 90’s sitcoms. Eddie has had to watch his father try and fail to prove this point so many times that it would have rang false to me if he’d not complained. Carl tells him that he wants to spend quality time together, and Eddie calls shenanigans on that too. Carl grabs a screwdriver out of his toolbox, and the toolbox, which has come magically untied somehow, falls off the roof. Carl says they’ll use those tools the next day, and then starts looking for the leak:
Some time later, at Mysteriously Unnamed Junior High, Urkel and Waldo stroll casually into the gym. Waldo thanks Steve for helping him find the gym, and Urkel tells him not to feel bad, because it’s Monday and he had two whole days to forget where it was. Steve marches straight up to Alex, whose last name we find out is Phillips. Alex says, “What do you want, Jerkel?” which is almost as lame as his haircut. Urkel tells him that he won’t be drawn into a battle of wits, since Alex is unarmed. Solid slam right there. Steve tells him to stay away from Laura, who shows up with Maxine at that exact moment like she was summoned there by Larry Hagman. The girls call down to Alex from a conveniently placed window. Phillips (like the douchebag that he is) says, “Hey, Laura, baby!” and flexes his admittedly impressive arms. Urkel (like the far less impressive douchebag that he is) does the same. Before anyone can say more, the gym coach enters. He has a modern-day haircut and a mustache like J. Jonah Jameson. He announces-to Urkel’s dismay-that today’s activity will be the rope climb. Waldo asks Steve what’s wrong, and the Urkman tells him that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t climb the rope. Waldo tells him that he has the same problem with Mr. Potato Head (look it up, youths). I don’t know how long they can continue to make this type of joke before I tire of it, but today is not that day. The gym teacher (a Gary Cole type) announces that Phillips gets to go first. It makes sense to me, I’m sure there wasn’t anyone there who had last names in the A to O range. Anyway, Phillips scampers up the rope quickly, and everyone congratulates him. Gary Cole Light tells Urkel that he’s next. Steve tries his hardest but is unable to climb the rope. The gym teacher tells everyone to go hit the track. Apparently, once the best and worst rope climbers have gone, there’s no point to anyone else having a turn. The room empties, but Phillips stays long enough to taunt Urkel one more time. The Urkster tells Alex that in a fortnight, not only will he be able to climb the rope, he’ll do it faster than Phillips can. Alex tells him to put his money where his mouth is, and Waldo begs Steve not to do so, because money has germs on it. Waldo would do just fine in today’s COVID-19 climate. Urkel and Alex agree that the loser of the bet has to stay away from Laura forever. Besides the fact that this wager is incredibly insulting to Laura, it’s also a very stupid bet for Steve to make. If Alex loses, the most he will forfeit is a little making out with Laura and potentially an over-the-pants HJ. It’s not like Phillips is in love with her or anything. If Urkel loses, however, his entire fucking life as he knows it comes to an end.
Two weeks have gone by, and Steve is hard at work in the gym, trying to build the muscles that he’ll need if he wants to climb to glory. Unfortunately, he’s riding the struggle bus, and he can’t seem to lift the weights off his chest. He obviously forgot to use a spotter, which is understandable. It’s not like there was anything there to remind him. Luckily for the Urkman, Laura likes to spend her evenings hanging out at her school gym, and she rescues him just in time. Urkel is clearly in a great deal of pain, and Laura feels so bad for him that she begrudgingly acquiesces to his request for her to rub his back. As soon as she begins, he starts to make sounds of pleasure. Laura threatens to stop massaging him if he can’t be quiet, so Urkel just makes faces of passion instead. And that is how it came to be that we all saw Steven Q. Urkel’s “O” face:
(Family Matters)
After she’s done massaging the Urkman, Laura goes to leave, but not before telling him that the Steve Urkel that she’s “come to know and…tolerate” would get out of this jam by using his brain. Then she walks away like an old lady in a cartoon.
Back on the roof, Carl has just finished telling Eddie about a weird rash he had once. As he’s finishing his tale, he realizes that they are done. Somehow, the two of them failed to notice that the hole in the roof was no longer a hole in the roof. Carl is so excited that he breaks into a song and dance routine set to The Drifters’ “Up on the Roof”:
It’s heartwarming to see Eddie join in on Carl’s dance number. Most teenagers would just roll their eyes at these types of shenanigans.
Rope climb day is here again, and the student body is milling around, waiting for Urkel to show up. Waldo rushes in, but he’s forgotten what he’s supposed to say. Luckily for him, Steve has written it down for him. Never change, Mr. Faldo. Urkel’s note states that he’s still getting ready and that Phillips can go first. Alex, who has popped his shirt off for some reason, is happy to oblige. I hope that motherflower gets rope burn. Phillips beats his record time, and things are looking pretty bleak for the Urkster. Alex points at Laura, who is looking on from the conveniently placed window. She tells him to put his shirt back on. I’ve never felt prouder of her. Urkel walks in, and things are about to get ridiculous as shit:
I’m not sure why anyone would count this as an athletic victory of any sort. I especially don’t know why the coach would count this as a new school record or why Phillips would adhere to the terms of the bet when Urkel clearly cheated (“no one said that you couldn’t use a rocket” is definitely not within the spirit of the rules; no one said that Alex couldn’t kick the shit out of Urkel before he started climbing either). I do know that I’m 100% on board with the direction the show started taking from here on out. As I was telling my friend the other day, the best era in the show was the one when every episode used the formula, “Steve does X using science.”
Conclusion:
Harriette walks through the front door, followed closely by Carl, who limps his way in. Rachel, seeing her brother-in-law looking beat half to death, asks what happened. Harriette tells her that he fixed the roof, and Rachel says, “’Nuff said.” Carl, still looking for the validation that he’s rightfully earned, says that the important part of what happened is that the roof got fixed. Harriette tells him that it only cost him an arm and a leg, and the two sisters crack up. Laura walks in, followed by Urkel, who is still wearing the rocket suit for some reason (plot device, Mr. Frodo!). She too is concerned about her father’s health, and asks what happened. Harriette tells her, and Laura, like her Aunt before her, says, “’Nuff said.” Carl gets no respect from the women in his life. Urkel tells Carl that it’s too bad that he didn’t have a rocket on his back when he fell off the roof. Carl asks him if it actually works (which he should definitely know not to ask by now), and Urkel demonstrates, launching himself through Carl’s newly fixed roof and into the Chicago night:
This ends the episode, and probably Urkel’s life.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.3, “The Show Must Go On,” which has to be about how a blue collar family copes with the death of their nerdy next-door neighbor.
