Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.5: Urkel Gets Crabs
“Daddy’s Little Girl”
Original Air Date: October 18, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel had a bad case of beat-up-a-police-officer-in-his-sleep-itis, so the gang sought psychiatric help.
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Cold Open:
Hurricane Urkel blows into the Winslow’s living room, and he’s bopping along to Young MC’s “Bust a Move” on his extremely 90’s headphones. He spots a sleeping Carl on the couch, tries to wake him up once, and then decides to go nuclear on the poor man’s nap. Steve goes into a closet, where he finds, of all things, an air horn. He walks right up to Carl and blows the horn in his face, shocking the shit out of Carl and continuing his recent streak of sleep-based crime. C’mon Urkman, he’s a heavyset man in his late thirties. He could be at risk for a heart attack! Carl asks Steve what he wants, and the Urkster tells him that he needs a favor. Carl refuses, and lays back down without bothering to listen to what the favor is. Urkel tells him that he had come to ask for a ride; he and his parents were scheduled to go to Hawaii, and they had left without the poor kid. Kind of like if the parents from Home Alone had left Kevin home intentionally. Urkel tells Carl that if he can’t get a ride, he’ll just spend two weeks at the Winslows. Carl moves quicker than he ever has in his life, throws Steve over his shoulder, and heads for the airport:
Gotta give Steve credit for having the cognizance to shut the door on their way out.
The Story:
A uniformed Carl walks in through the front door, and he’s followed closely by a handsome young man, also wearing a police uniform. Carl introduces the man to Harriette as Mike Forbes, who is freshly out of the Academy and was assigned to Carl. What happened to his smoke-show partner from before? Did the Winslow women get together and murder her? Maybe that’s why Judy was murdered; she couldn’t keep quiet about what they’d done. Mike is under the impression that Carl is known as “make my day” Winslow down at the precinct, and Harriette tells him that they must’ve gotten tired of using his old nickname, “make it to go” Winslow. Harriette retreats to the kitchen. Mike tells Carl that he’d like to see a departmental commendation. Carl has three; we know one was from the convenience store robbery, and I assume he also got one from the situation at Nakatomi Plaza, so I’m excited to see what the third one is for. Carl heads off into the kitchen to look for them, and that’s how it comes to be that Mike is sitting alone on the Winslow’s living room couch when Laura and Maxine walk in. After not noticing him for a moment, Laura loses her shit when she makes his acquaintance. Turns out that she’s just as bad at flirting as my dude Steven Q. Urkel. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t kicked his ass yet; she can sense that they have something in common. Carl comes back into the room to tell Mike that Harriette is going to cook them a big dinner on Friday. Harriette responds by hitting Carl on the head with a baguette. Poor Carl can’t get a break from people bashing him on the head. Carl calls Mike into the kitchen so he can show him the awards, and Maxine spends a few moments mocking Laura for eating shit during her interaction with Mike.
We go from the chilly winter landscape of Chicago to the beautiful summer islands of Hawaii. The Urkman has just arrived at the beach, and he asks two bikini-clad gals to put sun-tan lotion on his lower back. The girls get up and leave in disgust, so Steve steals their spot. He starts setting up, and the first thing he pulls out is a fucking towel with Laura’s face on it:
(Family Matters)
He must have paid a fortune to have that thing specially made. No printing company is going to make one extremely specific towel for cheap. The next “beach-essential” item that Steve pulls out is a satellite phone. He figures out the proper coordinates and dials up the Winslow house. As my buddy Ryan pointed out in our Family Matter’s Watchalong, the first thing you want to do when you go on vacation is call home to your neighbors that you just saw less than a day ago. Eddie and Laura hear the ringing phone, and have a brief but intense squabble over who gets to answer it. Eddie wins, but is dismayed when he hears the Urkster’s voice on the other end. After a few moments of small talk, Urkel requests to talk to Laura, and despite Laura’s protests, Eddie obliges. Steve tells her that he’s remained loyal to her, despite the aggressive pursuit of a particularly buxom native Hawaiian lass. Laura hangs up the phone, and before Urkel can call back, he’s alerted to the presence of the giantess who is pursuing him:
(300)
Back at the Winslow home, Rachel comes in from a jog, followed after a moment by Harriette, who is huffing and puffing. I don’t think there was any set up or reason for this, but it could just be that they needed to take up a little time in the episode. Laura comes in and asks Harriette if she can talk to her about a guy she likes (she doesn’t mention who the guy is). Harriette tells her to just be herself and let him get to know her, which Rachel scoffs at. She tells Laura that she needs to have some sexy perfume, a nice dress, and soft hair. Laura is all too willing to take her advice, which I totally understand. Any time you can take dating advice from your perpetually alone single-mother aunt, that’s something that you have to do.
Friday comes, and Carl and Mike walk in through the front door. Carl tells Mike that they can bask in the knowledge that they spent the day making the streets safer for “John Q. Public,” which I think is another way of saying that he made the streets safer for Denzel Washington. Carl congratulates Mike on his first collar, and Mike in turn thanks Carl for letting him do all of the paperwork. It is at this point that you begin to suspect that Mike is a two-faced jerk, but the story doesn’t go down that path, at least not in this episode. I guess he just really enjoyed doing the paperwork. Carl tells Mike to take a seat on the couch while he goes and checks on dinner, and that’s when Laura comes down the stairs, dressed to the nines and wearing a look on her face that screams sexual predator.
After a commercial break (which I didn’t watch because I’ve got those Urkel blog millions and I can afford to pay for Hulu’s ad-free feature), Laura finishes stumbling down the stairs and greets Mike. She tells him that this is a lovely surprise, and Mike’s like, I was here when your father announced I was coming, what gives? She tells them that she forgot, and asks him to (“as they say in Europe”) sit. Laura asks Mike about his day, and Mike describes what happened the same way that he and Carl described it earlier. Laura overreacts to everything that he says in yet another feeble attempt to flirt. Eventually, Harriette and Rachel come in (carrying glasses of what looks like generic cola, but without ice; what is Mike, a peasant? Cool the man’s drink!) and they quickly figure out what is happening, so they make a flimsy excuse and try to flee the room. Unfortunately, Carl comes in before they can leave, and he starts laughing at Laura, asking her if she’s wearing the makeup for the school play and just generally making dad jokes about her get-up. Laura leaves, clearly upset, leaving Carl to wonder aloud about what it is he did to bother her. Harriette excuses herself and Carl, and drags the big guy by the ear into the kitchen (his cries of “why?!” are absolutely hilarious). The phone rings, and Rachel answers it. It’s Urkel, who is calling in a panic because his not-so-secret admirer has buried him in the sand. Because the concierge has already learned his voice and therefore will not answer his calls, the Urkman needs Rachel to call his hotel and ask them to dig him out. He also asks her to hurry, because he’s dealing with a rising tide and a particularly menacing looking group of crabs.
The Conclusion:
Laura is sitting in her bedroom, wiping tears from her eyes. A knock comes on the door, and it’s Carl, here to apologize. He tells her that he not only put his foot in his mouth, he got all the way to his kneecap this time. It’s a cute line, but Laura’s not biting, so Carl pulls out the big guns. He calls Laura’s attention to a stuffed bear that he won her at a county fair. Its name is Humphrey Beargart, which is a fantastic name for a stuffed bear. Carl tries a Humphrey Bogart impression, and it’s admittedly not very good. Laura tells him to keep practicing. Seeing that she’s softening up a bit, Carl tells Laura that he will try to respect the fact that that she’s growing into an independent and beautiful woman with womanly needs. You might recognize this trope from every situational comedy that you’ve ever seen. Laura forgives him, does an impression of Humphrey Bogarts that is equally as bad as Carl’s, and the two hug, ending the show.
The Tag:
Except that the show isn’t over! We come back after another commercial break to what I believe is the first tag in the history of the show. Although possibly historic, this one is nothing to write home (or in my case onto the internet) about. Carl and Harriette are sleeping in bed, when (surprise, surprise) Hurricane Urkel blows in, back from his trip to Hawaii. Harriette tells him that it’s 1:32 AM, and Steve tells her that it’s never too late for hand-carved coconuts! He holds them up for the sleepy Winslows (Sleepy Winslow sounds like a sex move) to see, ending the episode.
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 3.6, “Citizen’s Court.”
