Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.6: The Assassination of Pablo the Stick-Bug by the Coward Carl Winslow
“Citizen’s Court”
Original Air Date: October 25, 1991
Previously on OUM: Laura embarrassed herself completely and totally, while Urkel was pursued by Madam Maxime.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie and Laura are on the couch reading the newspaper when they hear the distant cries of a panicked nerd. This has become old hat for them, so they spring into very casual and well-rehearsed action:
I love how Carl doesn’t even react like they’ve accomplished anything. Act like you’ve scored before. Also, I know the Urkman dented those cans, but I remember when we all had those things, and they would dent if they were hit by a bouncy ball. I’m choosing not to add anything to the SUBtotal.
The Story:
Laura is in the kitchen making a sandwich when Eddie, Waldo, and Steve walk in. The Urkster is all excited because he’s brought along his new prized possession: a Peruvian stick-bug that he’s named Pablo. Eddie remarks that the bug is ugly (which it certainly is), and Steve tells him to be kinder, because his bug is bilingual. Waldo tells him Urkel that he doesn’t want to hear about Pablo’s sex life, which is certainly a joke that I didn’t get when I watched Family Matters as a youngster but cracked up at this time. Urkel tells them about his plans to enter Pablo into a competition at the entomology expo, but when he turns back to the container that he left his bug in, it’s gone missing (#NinetiesSitcomTropes). Waldo, Laura, and Eddie freak out, and Steve begins his search for his prized insectoid.
In the living room, Estelle comes out of her room dressed for an invigorating game of tennis, when she spots Pablo slowly crawling up a napping Carl’s body towards his face. She wakes Carl, who launches the bug over the couch and then asks his mother, “Did you see the size of that thing?” Estelle, as sassy as ever, responds, “I bet it thought the same thing about you.” I normally crack down on Estelle being mean to Carl for no reason, but in this case she’s right. He needs to lose some pounds. After Estelle leaves, Carl hunts down the insect. Instead of smashing it with a shoe like a normal person, he elects to kill it with an extremely breakable vase. Carl succeeds in smashing the vase down onto Pablo, but this bug isn’t going out that easily:
(Family Matters)
A panicked Carl executes a perfect stomp from the top rope and murders Pablo, just as the Urkman rushes in. Steve cries out in dismay, informing Carl that the insect cost him $486.52. Steve asks Carl for an apology, but Carl tells him to clean up the mess and then go home. He departs the room, leaving Steve to mourn over his treasured pet.
Later that evening, Carl is busy spraying the house with pesticides. I guess he thinks Pablo could have found another stick-bug to breed with during the four seconds he was in the house before being murdered. Harriette comes downstairs and begs Carl to come to bed, but Carl can’t get the way the bug looked at him out of his mind. Steve comes in and gives Carl one more chance to apologize to him. When Carl refuses, Urkel tells him that he’ll see him in court. Carl tells Steve that there’s no way they’ll be seen in small claims court any time soon, but that’s not what the Urkman has in mind. He challenges Carl to go on Citizen’s Court with him. Citizen’s Court, of course, is a parody of the popular courtroom series, “The People’s Court.” Harriette asks Urkel and The Big Guy if they are willing to embarrass themselves on live TV, and they both exclaim, “Yes!” and storm out of the room.
On the day of the trial, NLR, Judy, and Rachel get some snacks and refreshments and settle in to watch the legal proceedings of the century. NLR and Judy get into a bit of a kerfuffle regarding whether Carl will be going to jail or not. My money, as always, is on the kid with serial killer eyes. The trial begins, and it’s hilariously reminiscent of the opening to People’s Court:
The judge sits, and asks Steve for a brief summary of what happened, which the Urkman does, hilariously. After he’s finished, Carl exercises his right for legal counsel. In a brilliant courtroom tactic that harkens back to the ladies’ bowling strategy in episode 1.21, Carl chooses Laura as his lawyer, hoping to get into Steve’s head. Urkel congratulates Carl on such an excellent approach, but tells them that today, his only mistress is the law.
Laura begins calling witnesses, and she kind of shits the bed, because the first of her two witnesses is Estelle, who spends the whole time on the stand either making flirty eyes at the judge (let her have her fun, Fletcher, we all know who she’s going to end up with) or praising Steve for being “a fine young man.” Urkel doesn’t even bother to cross-examine her, because “all of (his) work has been done for (him).” Laura has a bit more luck with her second witness, Harriette, who does a good job of painting Carl as a fair and just police officer. When Urkel tries to cross-examine her, he ends up badgering her to the point that the judge tells him that he’s out of line. Laura is done calling witnesses, so Steve calls his first:
I’d put this clip up there with any scene we’ve seen on the show thus far. I couldn’t tell you why, but when Waldo hops over that gallery partition I straight-up guffawed, and when he says, “Waldo Faldo….from Illinois,” I just about peed my pants laughing (Waldo wasn’t in any danger of this, because he went to the bathroom before he left the house). Never change, Waldo Faldo from Illinois. Anyway, Witness Waldo obviously does not do the Urkster any favors, but Steve tells Laura, “Don’t gloat, dreamboat, that ain’t all she wrote.*” He calls Eddie Winslow to the stand.
*Does he lie in bed at night thinking of these rhymes, or is he just naturally gifted? Not getting a Steve Urkel/Eminem battle rap is one of the biggest tragedies of the late nineties.
Conclusion:
Urkel asks Eddie to recount the tale of the time Carl accidentally killed Eddie’s pet hamster, Mr. Fluffkins. The hamster had somehow gotten out of its cage and into the laundry. Carl had done the laundry, and Eddie found his hamster dead in the lint trap. If Urkel is trying to prove that Carl has a habit of accidentally killing people’s pets, he’s certainly accomplishing that task. The judge asks Carl if he wants to make a closing statement, even though Laura was never given a chance to cross-examine her brother. She doesn’t bother objecting. It seems like Carl made a mistake in hiring a sixteen-year-old as his legal representation. Carl’s final statement is simple: “It was just a stupid bug!” Urkel’s closing argument is a bit more heartfelt. He tells the gallery that to him, Pablo wasn’t just a bug, he was a friend, and because Carl refuses to apologize, he’s lost two friends instead of just one. The judge tells them that he’ll be back in a moment with his ruling, and Carl walks over to Steve. He tells him that he didn’t know that their friendship was in danger, and he apologizes for murdering Pablo. Steve accepts his apology, and Carl tells him that he has no problem paying for a new bug (once Steve has properly moved on from the loss of his insect pal). The judge returns, and Steve tells him that they’ve settled and won’t need a verdict. The judge is visibly upset that he doesn’t get to make a ruling. Steve and Carl join the rest of the family and they hug, ending the episode:
(Family Matters)
Join me next week, when I break down Episode 3.7, “Robo-Nerd.”
