Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.7: Urkel vs Urkelbot, Dawn of Justice
“Robo-Nerd”
Original Air Date: October 25, 1991
Previously on OUM: Carl squashed Urkel’s prize stick-bug, and the entire family had to go to court (TV) because of it.
You can watch full episodes of Family Matters with a subscription to Hulu or YouTubeTV.
If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
If you find yourself befuddled by anything written in this blog, or you’ve forgotten what specific abbreviations stand for, check out the Glossary I’ve made to clear up such confusions!
Only Urkel Matters is on Instagram! Check us out for the best Urkel content on The Gram (including sneak peeks of columns!) You should also like 7th Evan on Facebook, so you’ll know the moment an OUM is available! Finally, subscribe to 7thEvan on Twitch, to have access to our Watchalongs (must have an Amazon Prime account for this)!
(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura is in the kitchen, smashing away on the keys of a typewriter (look it up, youths), when Eddie comes in. He instantly starts complimenting her beauty, and because she is way smarter than him, she immediately knows that he wants money from her. Eddie, who is doing his best to reach “worst driver on the planet” status, tells her that the police got him on a technicality this time: “Did you know they expect you to stop at a stop sign every single time?” Laura tells him that she can’t help him because she’s saving up for a new computer. Eddie, who thinks about other people’s feelings about 10% of the time at most, tells her that she only ever thinks of herself. Hurricane Urkel blows in, and I start to get excited, because any time he’s dressed like this, I know that I’m going to love the episode:
(Family Matters)
Science-Action Steve heads straight for the freezer, where he pulls out a fish-stick. He explains that he’s been working non-stop in his laboratory and he needed a snack. He then takes a crisp bite of the frozen fish-stick, which revolts Laura. Personally, I was already disgusted by the choice of eating a fish stick alone, never mind that he hasn’t cooked it. Urkel tells them that he’s building a robot for the National Robotics Contest (how does he find all of these contests without the use of the internet?), and Eddie, far from thinking it cool that his friend has built artificial fucking intelligence, swiftly asks the Urkman if there’s any prize money to be given to the winner. Steve tells him that first prize gets a state-of the-art computer, which triggers yet another selfish Winslow to become interested in what Urkel is saying. At least Laura has the good grace to not ask for the winnings outright; she simply asks if she can borrow the computer from time to time. Steve already has a computer (given to him by his Uncle Colonel Werner von Urkel, who isn’t a Nazi, I swear), so he tells Laura that if he wins the computer, she can just have it. She hugs him (without thinking that there would obviously be consequences) and Steve promptly comes in his pants.
The Story:
Carl, Harriette, and Rachel are in the living room, watching what I assume to be “Wheel of Fortune.” They are having a hard time solving a puzzle, but NLR and Judy come strolling in and solve it for them. Carl tells them to beat it, and they do, for the remainder of the episode. Collect those easy paychecks, children. Estelle comes out of her room, wearing a nice red dress. Carl demands to know where she’s going, and she tells him that she’s going dancing with Fletcher Thomas (suck it, judge from last episode). Carl tells her that he doesn’t like Fletcher, and implies that she’s spending too much time with him. Estelle tells him that they spend a lot of time together because they don’t have much time left, which makes perfect sense to me. She exits, leaving Carl to fume silently while his wife and sister-in-law laugh.
The next morning, Carl is dozing in one of his two Lay-Z-Boys (baller). It’s clear that he waited up all night for Mother Winslow to come home. Estelle walks in, and Carl asks her where she’s been all night. She tells him that she was doing exactly what she told him she would be doing the night before: she was with Fletcher. Carl has had enough, and he forbids his Mother from seeing Fletcher again. I don’t know where he gets the balls to do this, but I suppose he could kick her out if he really wanted to; his house, his rules. Quite frankly, I did not understand Carl’s obsession with his mother being alone forever when it came up in Episode 2.11, and I certainly don’t understand it now. Estelle turns on her heel, gets right up in her son’s face and tells him to have some respect for the woman who brought him into this world. She finishes by saying, “I know you’re stubborn as a mule, but you don’t have to act like a jackass!” Gran slam.
Eddie is in the kitchen, doing a horrible job at throwing grapes into Waldo’s mouth. He asks Waldo if he could borrow the money he needs from Waldo’s sister, and Waldo tells her that she can’t lend out any money right now. The reason, of course, is a goddamn riot:
I apologize for my current Waldo obsession, but can you blame me? The way he delivers, “He was just gonna go to Barcelona and get in the shortest line” had me busting up laughing. Hurricane Urkel blows in from the living room and tells the boys to come quick, because he’s got something they have to see. Everyone rushes into the living room, where Steve reveals his greatest invention to date, the Urkelbot:
Fun fact about the Urkelbot: it was voiced by Jaleel White, obviously, but the man in the suit was professional-robot-dancer/actor Michael Chambers. He was so good in this type of role that he would also be cast as Good Robot Bill in “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” which also came out in 1991 (perhaps it was the other way around, and the movie got him the role in Family Matters, but you have to think that one of these roles got him the other one).
Laura tells Steve that his robot is incredible, and that it’s a shoo-in for first prize. The robot hears Laura’s voice for the first time and falls helplessly in love with her. Laura is naturally creeped out, and tells Urkel to fix it, before bolting out of the room. Waldo is fascinated by the idea of robots that chase girls, but Eddie is concerned that he is being replaced by machines. I love the idea of Eddie becoming a conspiracy theorist. Urkel, with the intention of reprogramming his robot to not stalk Laura (something he should reprogram in himself, incidentally), attempts to shut the Urkelbot down, but Urkelbot pulls a Keanu on him. He tells his creator that this is war, and marches off to chase after Laura, who fortunately has a pretty good head start on him.
Conclusion:
Carl is in the living room, practicing telling his mother that she can’t see Fletcher anymore. When he calls her out of her room, however, he breaks down and apologizes on the spot. Estelle asks him if he trusted his father, and Carl tells her that of course he did, because his father was the greatest man that ever walked the earth. Estelle tells him that if she had good enough taste to choose his father, he should trust her instincts in choosing a partner now. Carl agrees, and they hug. It’s a beautifully acted, incredibly poignant moment. But enough of that shit, let’s get back to the horny robot.
Urkelbot is in Steve’s Creepy Science Lair, and he kisses a picture of Laura, causing the glass to shatter against his metal mouth. Since you (the plural you, obviously, not you specifically, Jim) voted for damage that Dream Urkel caused to count towards the SUBtotal, I’m going to assume that damage caused by a robot that Urkel himself built should also count. So, we’ll go ahead and add one to the total, bringing it to forty-nine. Laura arrives, and Urkelbot lets her in (but not before freshening up.) She asks where Steve is, because she received a call from him telling her that he needed to see her immediately, and that it was a matter of “life and death.” Urkelbot tells her that it was he that placed the call, and demonstrates his ability to do so by playing recordings of several Winslow family members telling him to go home. Urkelbot serenades Laura by dancing along to a recording of Elvis Pressley’s “Heartbreak Hotel,” and then begins pursuing her around the room. While she scrambles away, Laura calls out for the real Urkman, who it turns out has been locked in the closet. Laura demands that the Urkelbot release Steve, but the robot instead continues towards her in an aggressive manner. She escapes (barely), and he follows with a creepy maneuver that I’ve dubbed the Moonstalk. Laura cries out in alarm, and Steve tells her that he’s going to try and break the door down. He only succeeds in knocking down two framed pictures from the wall (SUBtotal: Fifty-one). Laura grabs a pipe, but the Urkelbot is undeterred, and they wrestle for a moment. Steve musters his strength and is finally able to knock the door down (Fifty-two). Annoyed, the Urkelbot sets his sights on Steve instead*:
After Steve uses a fire extinguisher to dispatch with the Urkelbot, Laura tells him that she wants him to turn it into a go-kart. Steve tells her that while the Urkelbot did lack subtlety, its only true crime was having good taste. Laura tells him that this was a sweet thing to say to her, and he tells her that’s because he’s a sweet kind of guy. This might have been a turning point in his attempts to woo her, but he ruins it by starting to talk about how their married life will be. Take it from a guy who has ruined many relationships by moving too quickly, this strategy NEVER works. While spouting his plans for them, Laura leaves, and the episode ends with Steve continuing to rant to an empty room.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.8, “Making the Team.”
*SUBtotal Update: In their epic battle, Urkelbot smashes Steve’s work desk, which also causes a framed picture of Laura to be shattered (Fifty-four). Also, Steve technically broke the Urkelbot, so we’ll go ahead and make it fifty-five.
