Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.9: Steven Q. Urkel, First of His Name, Master of Dragons and Breaker of Chain
“Born to Be Mild”
Original Air Date: November 15, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel was sick at basketball. That’s not even a joke. He basically won a game by himself.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura is busy waiting tables at Rachel’s Place when Steve comes up to her. He compliments her aroma, which turns out to be meatloaf. Steve would do anything for love. The door opens, and the group that comes in stops everything in its tracks:
(Family Matters)
Whoa, it didn’t take the Urkster very long to get himself into trouble this week, did it? Let’s read on.
The Story:
We come back from the opening theme right where we left off: with Urkel dangling in the air in a now-empty Rachel’s place. He asks the “building with hair” holding him if he has a name, or just a zip code. If there’s one thing you can say about Urkel, his level of sass never diminishes no matter how hard he’s being bullied (well, almost never, as we’ll discuss later). The big brute tells him that his name is Oswald, which Steve tells him is a great name…for a duck. My dude is on fire right now. Oswald throws Urkel to the ground, which is when Eddie steps in and tells them to leave. The leader of the gang (which we learned in the cold open is called “The Dragons”) asks him what will happen if they don’t leave, and Eddie tells him that he’ll have to get tough. Unfortunately, his voice breaks on “tough,” and the gang mocks him for a bit. Laura comes out from behind the counter and demands to know what’s going on. The leader of the gang becomes smitten with her, and asks her out on a date. She and Steve both decline this offer, and the gang leader, whose name is “Chain,” tries to reach for her face. That’s when Steve decides that it’s time to throw down, and he puts up his best Fighting Nun stance:
(Family Matters)
Steve is promptly hung on a coat rack. Fortunately for Steve, Rachel emerges and saves him from any more humiliation. She tells the gang to leave, and Chain smashes a glass in response. Rachel threatens to call the police, and Chain tells his gang (the chain-gang?) to break more of Rachel’s stuff. Luckily, Carl Powell-Winslow walks in just in the nick of time (Take away the “C” and the “R,” and what do you get?). He tells the Dragons to scram, but not before insisting that they pay back Rachel for the glass that Chain broke. The Dragons begrudgingly leave, and Steve throws a few barbs at them from his position on the coat rack. As they’re leaving, I also noticed this sign hanging above the door:
(Family Matters)
Were they having trouble with hoodlums locking the door before they were ready to close? Was this Dragon related? Was the Urkman closing up early so he could fry Laura up a Steve-O Supremo?
Back at the Winslow house, Laura, Steve and Rachel are busy telling Harriette about what happened at Rachel’s Place. Conspicuous by his absence is the Winslow King. NLR shows them the “karate moves” he would have used to take down the dragons, which is some serious foreshadowing, if you know the show really well. The phone rings, and Harriette answers. It’s Carl, and he delivers some terrible news: Rachel’s Place has been trashed by the Dragons.
When Harriette, Rachel, Laura, and Steve arrive at Rachel’s Place, they can see that Carl wasn’t lying. The place is trashed. Carl tells Rachel that he’s sorry, but they didn’t get there in time to catch them in the act, which is hard to believe considering how long it must’ve taken for the Dragons to do that much damage. Carl tells them that they’re going to arrest the perpetrators, but he fears that the Dragons will produce witnesses/alibis that will say they couldn’t have possibly been there while the restaurant was being vandalized. Rachel looks crestfallen, and incredulously asks Carl if the Dragons can do whatever they want and get away with it. Carl tells her that he wouldn’t go that far, but right as he says it, Eddie walks in, and he’s been beaten to a pulp. He says, “I would,” and his family rushes to his side. You have to respect Eddie’s commitment to comedic timing. The guy has just gotten his ass-kicked, but he still wants everyone to know that he’s got them chops, bay-bay.
Carl asks Eddie what happened, and Eddie explains what we already knew intuitively: the Dragons whooped his ass. Harriette brings him home to treat his wounds, and Rachel and Laura begin the process of cleaning up. Carl, enraged that his son was the victim of a gang beat-down, throws a chair, which adds a broken plate to Rachel’s already staggering number of damaged dishware. He starts to head out, but Steve tells him that if he acts now, the Dragons will claim police brutality, and he’ll lose his job. Steve suggests that instead of delivering vigilante justice, they should do some good old-fashioned police work. Carl inquires as to what he means, and that’s when the Urkman drops the bomb-shell: “Wire me big guy, I’m going in.”
Back at the Winslow house, a surprisingly ripped-up Steve is being fitted for a wire by Carl and LT Murtaugh. Murtaugh shows Steve and Carl where he and Sergeant Winslow will be posted while the Urkster goes undercover. When Carl admonishes his lieutenant for thinking a coffee stain is a brown lake, Murtaugh tells him never to correct him in front of the kid. I kind of see his point. While it doesn’t make much sense to think a lake would be colored brown on a topography map, it also would make sense to not spill your coffee on a map issued to you by the police department, CARL. Urkel, now all wired up, gives a rousing speech about justice:
(Family Matters)
At an undisclosed location (but certainly in close proximity to the brown lake), the Dragons are deciding what they want to do for the night. Going bowling and then robbing the place narrowly beats out going to the movies and then robbing the place. If I didn’t like the Dragons before, I certainly don’t now. Bowling centers (calling them alleys is for hapless thugs) are an already undervalued American establishment, and to rob them is just plain heretical. The door opens, and in walks the baddest man on the planet. I’m not talking about Iron Mike Tyson, Stone Cold Steve Austin, or even Orange Cassidy. I’m talking, of course, about Steven Q. Urkel, or as these punks are about to know him, The Urkman:
Honestly, I hope this isn’t the last we see of Oswald, the building with hair. He “yes, ands” with Steve for a while, and his improvisational touch could add something to the show. If I was the Family Matters writers, I would have had him be a bully for a while, but eventually become friends with Urkel and the gang, sort of like Boy Meets World did with Frankie Stecchino. Tell me you wouldn’t enjoy a scene between this guy and WGF. Also, that Sahara Desert joke was $$$.
In the surveillance van, Carl praises Steve for not being dead yet. Murtaugh shows him some “trick” handcuffs that he uses to impress women at singles bars. I’d almost forgotten that he is recently divorced. I can only assume that his divorce broke him mentally, because ever since that time, he’s been a lot fucking dumber. This time is no exception, because he chooses “in a surveillance van listening to a nerdy teen try to convince an adult gang that he should be one of them” as the best time to demonstrate the trick handcuffs to Carl. They obviously turn out to be real handcuffs, and the only two people that can protect the Urkman from a horrible, horrible death are now both down a hand.
Conclusion:
With some slick questioning, Steve is able to trick Oswald into admitting that he spray-painted the dragon onto the Rachel’s Place wall, and that he and the rest of his gang destroyed the restaurant and beat up Eddie. Unfortunately, Chain is not convinced by Steve’s ruse, and he tells the Urkster that he knows he’s wearing a wire. Steve admits that he is, but that it’s too late for the Dragons, because he already has Oswald’s confession on tape. Carl and Murtaugh (still handcuffed together) burst through the door just as Chain is threatening Steve with a knife (this is the point where Urkel stops sassing). They make sure that they stay close enough together to not give their handicap away:
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Look how smooth RVJ is, gang. The man’s got soul. The Dragons surrender, and Carl praises Steve for a job well done.
Later (I assume much later, because it must’ve taken them forever to clean up the restaurant), the whole family is gathered around a table at Rachel’s Place. Rachel thanks everyone for chipping in to help fix her establishment. Carl stands up and toasts Steve for helping to put away the Dragons for a long, long time. I’d say that the Dragons are probably looking at about five to ten years, which isn’t that long, but I see his point. Steve is proud that the Rachel’s Place menu now includes a sandwich that is named after him. Laura quips that it’s a Hero sandwich, but that it’s mostly bologna. What an ungrateful jerk. She did literally nothing to help. The family laughs at her incredibly tone-deaf joke, ending the episode. Steve deserved better. STEVE DESERVED BETTER.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.10, “The Love God.” JUSTICE FOR STEVE.
