Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.10: Fast Times at Vanderbilt High
“The Love God”
Original Air Date: November 22, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel infiltrated the Dragon’s lair, and I wrote the best title that I’ll ever think of.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
It’s a normal business day at Rachel’s Place, when suddenly we see a flash of light coming from the kitchen. Urkel comes running out, waving around a fire extinguisher. He tells everyone to calm down, and then spays the hose back into the kitchen. That’s all that happens in the cold open. Nothing to see here.
The Story:
Lt. Murtaugh is in the Winslow family room, waiting for Carl. He yells up to Carl to get a move on, and Carl comes downstairs, dressed in women’s clothing:
(Family Matters)
This was a staple 90’s Sitcom trope, best done in Boy Meet’s World’s season four episode, “Chick Like Me.” Of course, this isn’t something that would be done nowadays, as it would be considered offensive. More on that later. Carl is dressed this way because the police commissioner’s wife has been mugged, and he and Murtaugh think there’s a promotion in it for them if they can catch the man responsible. Carl whinges for a bit, but then he and Murtaugh head out to begin their undercover operation. For some reason, Murtaugh goes to grab Carl’s ass on the way out. Hey, whatever you’re into, man.
Back at Rachel’s Place, Laura goes up to Rachel, who is standing at the counter. She tells her that a handsome man has asked to see the manager. Rachel goes over to the man, who it turns out just wants her to sit with him. Rachel is slightly taken aback, but in a good way, and she agrees. The door opens, and perhaps the best looking girl we’ve seen on the show so far walks in (later, Carl will need to learn to walk like a woman, and if he could learn to walk like this girl, he’d catch that mugger in four seconds). The actor who plays this girl, Danielle Nicolet, is still breathtakingly good looking twenty-five years later. She plays Cecile Horton on “The Flash,” and she’s a fantastic actress. She gives a brief glance to the man Rachel’s sitting with (because talent recognizes talent), and then walks over and sits at the counter. Eddie’s eyes bug out like Bugs Bunny in love. I guess Jolene finally got wise and showed his chump ass the door. Eddie starts fixing his hair, and Waldo hits him with “What you gonna do, Eddie?” like he used to say to Willie. Eddie tells him that the girl’s name is Vonda Mahoney, and that if he can hook up with her, their reputations will change. Waldo is confused, so Eddie explains that Vonda is “fast.” Waldo responds like only Waldo can:
Eddie saunters over to talk to Vonda, because the best time to approach a girl is right after your best friend yelled out “VIRGINS?!” for an entire restaurant to hear. Eddie tries a dumb pick-up line, and Vonda tells him to get lost. I already like her more than him. Eddie wants to know what’s bothering her (you know, besides him), and Vonda tells him that she’s not doing well in algebra, and she’s worried that she’ll fail. Eddie, who has seen his sister have this problem before, knows just what to do, and he sprints over to the Urkman, scaring the bejesus out of the poor kid. Eddie asks Steve to help Vonda, and Urkel asks what’s in it for “The Stevearino.” Thank God, I was looking for a new thing to call Urkel in this column. Urkel pronouns are the best. Eddie, for what feels like the hundredth time, promises to be Steve’s best friend if he can pull this off. Urkel, wise to his act, makes him swear that he’ll do so in public this time. They high-five, and the force from Eddie’s hand causes Urkel to fly into another server, breaking some dishes. This one isn’t on Steve. Eddie should have known not to slap his weak friend’s hand with so much force. I guess he was too sexcited. Rachel sees the mess and tells her new man friend that she has to go help clean up the mess. She slips him her number and comps his meal. What an amazing job of demonstrating her value! She showed that she’s a true leader who gets down into the nitty gritty with her staff, she indicated her ability to feed her new man, and she made it easy for him to contact her. Take notes, ladies, this is how it’s done.
Later, in the Winslow kitchen, Carl (still wearing women’s clothing) is complaining to Harriette that he can’t get a mugger to accost him. Harriette points out that it’s possible that his mustache is holding him back in that regard, but Carl tells her that the commissioner’s wife has a bigger mustache than he does. Harriette then tells Carl that it could be the way that he walks, which she says resembles the way a linebacker walks. Like every “guy dresses up like a woman” episode in sitcom history, Harriette takes a few minutes teaching Carl to stride like a woman. They giggle together, and it’s actually kind of adorable. They kiss, and that’s when Steve and Laura walk in. Urkel reacts horribly, and he should, because he thinks his father figure’s wife is cheating on him. When he realizes it’s Carl, he relaxes for a moment, then freaks out again because he thinks Carl is a cross-dresser. Of course, nowadays you wouldn’t react the way he does, but this was a different time, and Steve was reacting in a manner that was acceptable for the time he was living in. Harriette goes to leave, and Carl tells her that she has his purse, which isn’t a creative joke anymore, but I was still amused because of the playful vibe between him and Harriette.
Steve is waiting tables at Rachel’s Place when Vonda comes in. She’s ecstatic because she did well on her algebra exam. Steve congratulates her, and she tells him that she wants to thank him. Steve tells her that he’s partial to cheese, and I believe is the first time he’s mentioned that. She begins to rub his arm in a suggestive manner, and tells him that she’d like to thank him on a date. She then plants a kiss on him, and he faints into a commercial break, as he’s wont to do.
When Steve wakes up, he’s startled to see Vonda standing over him, asking if he’s all right. She begins to pursue him across the diner, and she tells him that one date with her will change his reputation. High school is some bullshit, isn’t it? Steve wants to know how one date with her will help him, and Vonda tells him that people will think he’s a ladies’ man. Steve starts to imagine what that would be like:
Did you bump a little when you saw the girl who loudly tells everyone in the restaurant that “Steve Urkel is coming!”? Maybe she looked a little familiar to you. That’s because this girl, who IMDB identifies as “Jenny,” is played by Tammy Townsend, who will eventually become Eddie’s longtime girlfriend, Greta. I’m a sucker for a fantasy sequence that ends with the person who is having the fantasy not getting what they wanted. Especially this one, since Urkel breaks the fourth wall at the end. After he snaps out of it, Urkel tells Vonda that he is a one-woman man who has no interest in what other people think of him. Again, I have to say, this is Steve’s most admirable quality, and a trait I’m deeply jealous of: the ability to not give two fucks what anyone thinks about you. He asks Vonda if she feels the same way about herself, and she forlornly tells him, “Not always.” The Urkster tells her that she doesn’t have to be easy to be popular, because she’s already funny, beautiful, and nice. Vonda is warming to the idea, but she’s a bit nervous, because she still has that date with Eddie, and she knows he’s expecting her to put out. Steve, who always sees the best in the people he loves (incorrectly, as we’ll see at the end), tells her that Eddie is a perfect gentleman, who will be the second to congratulate her on her new way of thinking. He then shakes her hand, becoming the first.
Conclusion:
Rachel and her new boy toy come in through the front door, and they’re raving about a hockey game they just went to (I assume it was a Blackhawks game, I don’t know of any minor league affiliates in the area). Greg (as it turns out his name is, we literally don’t this find out until this scene) tells Rachel that he’s wild about her, and the rest of her family as well, who he describes as good, salt-of-the-earth people. I was thinking that was a strange thing to tell a woman you just started dating, and then Carl-still dressed in drag-comes bolting in, excited as hell to tell Harriette that he caught the mugger. After Carl goes upstairs, Greg goes for a goodnight kiss, and succeeds for a moment, until Rachel pulls back. Greg goes to leave, but then asks Rachel to tell him if she’s not ready to date, so that they don’t waste each other’s time. Rachel tells him that she is ready for a relationship, so Greg asks her, “Then why are you still wearing your wedding ring?” After that mic drop, Greg wishes her a good night and then leaves her alone with her thoughts.
We go back to Rachel’s Place, where Eddie and Vonda walk through the door. Eddie tells Steve that he just picked up Vonda and that they’re just going to go get a bite to eat before heading back to Vonda’s, which is empty because her parents are out for the evening. So, why are they here? One would think that this was where they were going to get dinner, but it seemed like Eddie had another place in mind. So, did he just bring her by to brag to his nerdy friend that he was about to get laid? This guy deserves to be a virgin forever. Vonda chooses this time to let him know that because of her talk with Steve, she won’t even be kissing on the first date anymore. Eddie asks Vonda to excuse him and the Urkster, and then drags Urkel off into the kitchen forcibly. Vonda takes a seat, and Carl comes in. He proudly shows Harriette his newest commendation. As we know from Episode 3.5, this is his fourth. The man is an outstanding cop. He tells them that LT Murtaugh is jealous, and that he’s said that he won’t rest until he receives a commendation as well. Murtaugh comes in, and for some reason, he’s dressed like a woman. There’s no reason for this. They already caught the mugger, why would he think there would be other purse snatchers with an affinity for manly ladies? They go to leave, and Carl makes as if he was going to smack his bosses’ ass. Murtaugh tells him not to even think about it, and the episode ends. I have a few questions:
1) Why are Carl and Murtaugh so obsessed with smacking each other on the butt while they dressed as ladies?
2) Are we to believe that Urkel got his ass kicked for helping a girl find her confidence, and that Eddie didn’t learn his lesson about looking at women as objects?
3) What happened with Rachel and Greg?
4) Who was the “Love God” in this episode?
If we don’t get an answer to two or more of these questions in the coming episodes, I’m going on record as stating that this episode was trash.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.11, “Old and Alone.”
