Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.11: Pay No Attention to the Dance Behind the Curtain
“Old and Alone”
Original Air Date: November 29, 1991
Previously on OUM: Urkel cock blocked Eddie.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Carl and Harriette come in with the groceries, and they race each other to the counter. It’s adorable, you guys. They spot Laura, who is sitting at the kitchen table with a gloomy look on her face. She’s upset because she didn’t get enough birthday cards from the kids at school. Who gets birthday cards at school? It’s not Valentine’s Day, and she’s not in the fourth grade. She has received SOME birthday cards, but they’re all from Steven Q. Urkel. Carl opens one up, and it laughs and snorts like Urkel would. Cool.
The Story:
Buckle in, because right off the rip we get what might just be the longest scene in Family Matters history, and it’s certainly not the best scene in Family Matters history. Rachel, Laura, Judy, and NLR are sitting on the couch, blowing up balloons for Laura’s birthday party. Eddie and Waldo are the first two people to come in. Eddie tells Waldo that he’s seeing three girls at once, and that he’s short on cash “because of inflation.” It’s a stupid thing to say, but it sets up a pretty good joke where Waldo thinks that Eddie is dating blowup dolls. He flat-out refuses to lend Eddie the money for the movies, because all Eddie needs to do is put the doll in his pocket and inflate it when he gets to his seat. Hilarious, as always, Waldo Geraldo Faldo. He and Eddie go into the kitchen, and Mother Winslow comes in through the front door. She brags that she was able to beat two people at once on the tennis courts. She’s an absolute warrior. Next, a young boy comes to the door with a present for Laura. It’s Daniel Wallace, who you might remember as the douchebag from Episode 3.3. Laura sees who it is, closes the door, and celebrates wildly. When she reopens the door, Daniel has enough class not to mention her theatrics, even though there was zero chance he couldn’t at least see shadows of her celebratory movements. How do I know this? Because we could see Daniel through the curtains while Laura danced. Daniel comes in, and Laura silently conveys to her family that she wants them to scram. They quickly make up an excuse to leave, and Daniel hands Laura her present. It’s a CD (or cassette tape, I honestly can’t tell; it’s not an iPod, let’s just say that) from the band ‘Sticky E and the Toxic Wasters.” Now, I did not recognize the name of that band, and a Google search did not bring any relevant results, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that this is a band that they made up for the show, a la “The Beets” from “Doug” or “The California Dreams” from “California Dreams.” Laura is taken aback, and she gratefully (and a bit too sexually for my liking) offers Daniel some refreshment. Daniel accepts a soda, and Laura goes to get him one. At this point, this huge douchebag “puts his feet up on Carl’s coffee table” like the little piece of shit he is. Little does he know, he’s about to get Urked (See what I did there? Like irked, but with Urkel’s name in it? Jokes are always funnier when you explain them). Hurricane Urkel blows in, and he’s got a shit-ton of presents for Laura’s big day. After a moment, he realizes that he’s not alone, and recognizes Wallace, his former over-study. He asks him what he’s doing there, and Daniel tells them that he’s here to see Laura. Steve tries telling him that she’s spoken for, but Daniel isn’t having it. He tells The Stevearino that he likes Laura, and what he likes, he takes. Urkel is horrified (rightfully so, what kind of sixteen-year-old is already thinking like this?) and he considers murdering Daniel for a moment before ultimately going to his strength: his brain. Steve tells Daniel that he thinks he is incredibly brave to be going after Laura, since she has an incredibly contagious disease. Daniel asks him to explain, and Steve gets way too descriptive with his fake illness, eventually telling Daniel that if you sneeze while you have this disease, your head will explode. Daniel too feels like Urkel might be making this up, and he conveys that to Urkel, who just shrugs and says, “(I) could (be), but if I’m not, the last two words you’ll ever say will be ‘A and choo.’” At that, Daniel splits, and Urkel smiles to himself for a moment before realizing that he has no legitimate way of explaining why Daniel would leave while waiting for a soda (a soda, I might add, that Laura is taking a long time to retrieve. Is she slipping him a mickey?). Laura returns with two generic colas, sans ice, of course. I don’t care how much the ice cubes fuck up the audio, glasses of soda without ice in them look ridiculous. Interestingly enough, Laura addresses my two complaints right away, telling the person on the couch that she thinks is Daniel that she’s sorry she took so long, she had to crush the ice. When she realizes that it’s Steve Urkel and not Daniel Wallace on her couch, she becomes immediately suspicious, because she alone realizes that the nerd sitting in front of her is a sociopath. Urkel confesses his sins almost immediately, and Kelly Shanygne Williams absolutely crushes Laura’s reaction:
It seems like at least one of the child actors on this show has been taking tips from our boy RVJ, because you can see some of his mannerisms in her reaction. I don’t say that lightly; you all know how fond I am of RVJ’s ability to convey irritation to the point of almost erupting with anger. Williams is basically on his level in this scene. On another note, I’m sick of the crowd saying “aww” after Urkel gets caught being a piece of shit and immediately becomes contrite. Sure, he’s saving her from a bigger piece of shit, but it’s not like his intentions were pure. He was doing it for himself. Let’s find out which of Laura’s ignorant-ass parents will convince her to give him another chance.
If you guessed “Carl,” sorry, you lost your fifty-fifty shot. Harriette comes into Laura’s room with a piece of birthday cake. She asks Laura if she’s feeling better, and Laura tells her that she is. Harriette immediately wonders if Steve is feeling better. For the life of me, I do not understand why Carl and Harriette insist on feeling bad for this kid who tries to manipulate their daughter’s life every few days. Laura opens the window, and you can hear Steve moaning in grief. Laura tells Harriette that she doesn’t want to talk about it, so Harriette goes to leave, but before she does, she tells Laura that if she keeps pushing people away, she’s going to end up old and alone. Laura turns off the lights and closes her eyes, and as she drifts off to sleep, she hears her mother’s words echo in her head over and over.
The next morning, Laura wakes up old (and one could presume, alone) as fuck. She waddles her old ass over to her mirror, where she screams in terror.
Laura heads down to the kitchen, where she sees her parents walk in through the door. Like her, they’ve aged about seventy-five years, and are now 110 years old. Carl still races Harriette to the counter (#adorable). Laura explains that she went to bed fifteen years old and woke up ninety, and Harriette tells her to just be glad she woke up at all.
Laura wanders off into the living room, where she sees a very old-looking Judy and NLR. She asks them why they didn’t grow any taller despite aging, and they explain that they didn’t eat their vegetables and stayed up past their bedtime. Hahaha. Classic. Comedy. The Urkman rolls in, and as you might expect, he has also aged. He stutter-steps over to Laura, who at this point is thrilled to see him. They walk gingerly over to the couch, and their bodies shatter as they attempt to sit down. Laura admits that she was wrong to push him out of her life (nope) and asks him on a date. Unfortunately, the Urkster has just gotten married at ninety years young. On cue, in walks his smoke-show new bride:
(Family Matters)
This actress’ name is Garcelle Beauvais, and you may recognize her from everything ever made. What a career this woman has had. My first memory of her, though, was as the insanely beautiful woman who bathes with Will Smith in the water tower in “Wild Wild West.” If you’re sad to see her in such a small role, don’t worry. She’ll be back three more times, in three different roles. Laura is taken aback by her beauty, but doesn’t have time to adjust, because her entire family comes in to sing her a happy birthday. Somehow, Estelle is not only still alive, but also has not aged at all, which is a surprisingly good gag considering the rest of the garbage they’ve tried to pass off as funny in this episode (Worst episode of season three? Worst episode of season three.). Like the rest of us, Laura can’t stand the birthday song (which they probably had to pay an arm and a leg to use), so she mumbles, “no, no, no!” as we head into the final commercial break.
Conclusion:
Surprise! None of that actually happened. Laura wakes up from this horrible nightmare to find another nightmare staring her in the face: Urkel heard her whimpering over his own, and clambered up into her room to make sure she was okay. Laura heads immediately to her mirror to make sure her body is back to normal. When it is, she tells Steve to sit down so she can apologize for what feels the sixty-fourth time for kicking him out of her life. I also feel like this is the sixty-fifth time I’ve made this joke. Steve accepts her apology, and then quickly transitions to negotiation mode:
That master class in the art of the deal ends the episode.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.12, “A Pair of Ladies.” This is one of those rare early episodes that I have some recollection of, so make sure you’re here for it, and don’t gamble away your watch in the meantime.
