Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.12: Captain Urk
“A Pair of Ladies”
Original Air Date: December 6, 1991
Previously on OUM: I genuinely don’t remember. I mean, I could go look, but this is a fine testament to how long it’s been, am I right? Also, there’s a link below if you want to catch yourself up.
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If you missed the last recap, you can read it here. Any “Only Urkel Matters” that you may have missed can be found here.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Harriette and Laura are in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on Laura’s skirt before a party. Laura wants it to be higher, and Harriette obliges, but Laura wants it to go even higher, so Harriette asks her if there will be boys at the party. Laura tells her, “Of course!” and Harriette lets it down all the way. Big laugh from the studio audience, but I honestly don’t know if I can handle yet another episode about Laura’s budding sexuality. On to the main story.
The Story:
Harriette is still hemming Laura’s skirt when Rachel walks in. She’s exhausted from a long day at Her Place, especially because she lost two waitresses. Laura tells her that she’ll work a few more hours to help out, and Rachel gratefully accepts. However, when Harriette offers the same thing, Rachel balks. She tells her sister that she can’t stand working with Harriette, because she’s incredibly bossy. She even goes as far as to call her “Harriette the Hun.” Harriette insists, and Rachel reluctantly agrees.
Later on, in the Winslow’s living room, Carl’s got three of his cop buddies sitting around a poker table, ready to enjoy a good ol’ fashion night of gamblin’. When one of cops that was supposed to play calls and tells them that he can’t play because his wife is in labor (“How far apart are her contractions?” LT Murtaugh wants to know), Murtaugh becomes forlorn, because five people playing poker is a good game, BUT FOUR IS BULLSHIT. When Hurricane Urkel blows in (to a huge pop from the studio audience), Murtaugh jumps at the chance to add him to the game, especially after the Urkman brags about having a spare $500 on him, which he had intended to use to buy an accordion. Steve sits down and introduces himself, and as soon as one of them introduces himself as Fred Yamano, The Stevearino jumps to the most racist conclusion and begins conversing with the man in Japanese. Yamano tells him that he doesn’t speak the language, and that he grew up in Nebraska. Eager to redeem himself, Urkel bursts into song:
(Family Matters)
At Rachel’s Place, Harriette calls out a cheap asshole for leaving a twenty-five-cent tip. I feel her pain. No lie, I once had a customer on my paper route leave me a Chuck E. Cheese token. Needless to say, I make sure I take care of those in the service industry these days. Anyway, Rachel confronts Harriette because she completely rearranged her storeroom. Imagine having the balls to do that on your first day? To make matters worse, her system doesn’t make any sense. She filed mayonnaise and pickles under “J,” because they’re in jars. Harriette owes Rachel an apology, but instead, she carries on like she’s in the right. If this episode doesn’t end with Harriette telling Rachel that she has a hard time forgetting that she’s an adult because she’s her little sister, I’ll be shocked.
Back at the card game, the boys seem to be having a good time. Eventually, there’s a hand that comes down to Murtaugh and Urkel. The Urkman thinks that he’s got Murtaugh beat, so he goes all-in. Steve’s got tens over sevens, which he thinks is called a “crowded condo.” I’ll definitely be calling a full house a crowded condo from now on. Unfortunately for the Urkster, Murtaugh has four fives, and he takes the pot. Urkel, who thought they were playing just for fun, asks for his money back, and Murtaugh tells him to go screw. I’m on the lieutenant’s side here, despite the fact that he’s being a prick. They did tell him that it was a friendly game, but he should have asked a question or two when they made him buy the chips. Carl asks his boss to reimburse Steve because he’s a confused young kid, but Murtaugh overrules him. Steve calls Murtaugh some names, and Murtaugh responds with a line that became famous in my childhood home:
(Family Matters)
Carl, who we all know is an amazing guy, really outdoes himself by giving Steve the money out of his own wallet. A tearful Steve gives him a big hug, and Carl tells him to go buy his accordion before he changes his mind. Urkel goes to head out, but stops before reaching the door, insisting that he will not leave until he wipes the floor with Murtaugh. He buys back in, and takes his seat back at the table.
Later, at Rachel’s place once again, Eddie has brought yet another drop-dead gorgeous date to his family’s restaurant. He’s really getting by on looks alone. He’s screwed after high school, when girls realize that there are good looking dudes with decent personalities out there. For now, though, Eddie has convinced this girl that he’s a good catch because he’s from a warm and embracing family. Just then, Harriette and Rachel come out into the diner, and they’re arguing like cats and dogs. Eddie, ever quick to lie, tells his date that he’s never seen them before in his life and tells her that he wants to go get Chinese. I wonder how he plans on paying for it. Maybe Waldo has finally agreed to spot him some cash. The women continue to bicker, but Rachel isn’t the only one that Harriette has pissed off. She’s also angered the cook, who tells Rachel that either Harriette goes, or he does. Harriette tells the man to collect his check and hit the road, which enrages Rachel. She points at the Rachel’s Place sign and points out to her sister that it doesn’t say “Harriette’s Place.” She fires her sister, who to her credit does not mention during this argument that she is one of the main financial backers of the restaurant. Just as Rachel finishes declaring her sister’s termination, the door opens, and a baseball coach walks in and asks for a table for thirty-five. What blows my mind about the players that walk in is that they are wearing two different jerseys. For some reason, two separate teams have decided to eat together. That would never happen. If I take an L, I’m not dining with my vanquisher. Conversely, if I get that W, those motherflowers don’t deserve to bask in my glory. After seeing this amount of young, hungry men walk into her establishment, a sheepish Rachel has no choice but to re-hire her sister.
The poker game is still heated, and it once again comes down very quickly to a head-to-head between the Urkster and LT Murtaugh. These two are as destined to face off as Mike McDermott and Teddy KGB. Urkel goes all-in, and Murtaugh doesn’t have the capital to call him, so he puts up a watch that his commander gave him for breaking up an illegal gambling ring. Delicious irony. Murtaugh draws a flush, and Urkel suckers him in by telling him that he only has two pair. When Murtaugh goes to take down the pot, Steve tells him not so fast; he’s got two pairs of tens. Sorry, Murtaugh. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Murtaugh can’t believe it, and Urkel helps him come to terms with reality by hitting him with some vicious smoke.
The baseball team is just finishing their dinner, and the Winslow (I know Rachel is a Crawford, don’t be bothering me about that) gals are ready to close up shop. Rachel asks Laura how she did tip-wise, and her niece responds that she made $38. Harriette, however, only managed $4.13 and a half a stick of gum. After laughing knowingly, Rachel sends Laura to the back so she can speak to her sister alone. Once her daughter leaves, Harriette tells Rachel that she is extremely impressed with her ability to remain calm under pressure, and admits (winner-winner, chicken dinner) that she has a hard time seeing Rachel as anything other than her little sister, but is so proud of what she’s made of herself. Rachel tells her that she could never have made it this far without the sage advice that she received from her older sister. They hug into the final commercial break.
The Conclusion:
We come back to one of my favorite Family Matters endings of all time. Most of the cops have left for the evening, but Murtaugh is still sitting slumped in his chair, muttering “Four tens” over and over. Carl suggests to him that he call it a night, and a dejected Murtaugh heads to the door. Before he can leave, Steve calls him back:
(Family Matters)
I spend a lot of time writing about how these characters make some truly despicable choices, but this ending genuinely warms my heart. Steve tossing Murtaugh the watch remains one of my favorite “He gave him the knife!” moments in sitcom history, and the class that Carl shows in pretending that he drew a deuce is just as heart-warming. Carl’s selfless moment ends the show, but I have one more thing to discuss before we’re through. After he’s given his watch back, Murtaugh renders Urkel a salute. As a military guy, I can’t help but acknowledge that this means that Urkel must be at least a captain in the Chicago PD. Therefore, from this point on-in addition to all his other nicknames-I will occasionally refer to Steven Q. Urkel as “Captain Urk.”
Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.13, “Choir Trouble.”
